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My first impression of this is pretty... unkind. I found it to be generally awkward: The rhymes are quite run-of-the-mill, the rhythm is off, and I am not sure what ...

This starts off very well. You draw the reader in with a certain cosmic and mystifying quality, and you have managed to create a fairly seamless flow, and some good ...

Okay. I am not sure whether to be interested or bored by this piece. It had the makings of something, it had some good imagery, some effective use of metaphor, ...