Lucifer

Oh no I'm going to spend some time on it, probably tonight. I just wanted a bit of feedback, is all.

No... twine as in bindings.

Is the ending bad because the idea is stupid or just because it's badly written?

I would say that this one doesn't really have a rhythm, I'm kind of new to poetry but I'm pretty sure that a rhythm is not required.

Any suggestions on how I could make the end smoother?

sweat slides along strings of black twine carving grooves in her pale flesh the blood vessel orchestra pounds in her ears hinges creak door opens it enters the room lifts ...

I mostly listen to metal, but I also like punk, hip hop, and I've been getting into stoner rock and psychedelic.

The style is tanka, you're not supposed to use punctuation.

So you're saying that God punished him because he wasn't paying attention to the teaching?

the clock chimes seven I sense my impending doom then my date drives up

i pound the bread dough imagining it’s your face you make me want to eat a bullet, kill myself bread will be fluffy tonight What do you think of the ...

Really good. Those first two lines could use work.

The title doesn't make sense but the story is pretty good.

Oh, another thing. You make it sound like they have a strong relationship. All they are is penpals. This girl is getting emotional over a relationship that never really existed.

Oh noes!! A picture!!! And I'm 15 now.