Jherek

My suggestion would be to take the first three sentences: "He was searching for her. His obsession with her was to the point of terrifying. She crouched down lower into ...

Yo, I've attached my editing contribution, underlined are either bits which I think should be cut/changed, or inserted. Overal, there are some bits, like Tommyknocker & alex1444 have pointed out, ...

Yo, that's a hemingwayish/horhe borhe lit story, with Serious Themes. Well, to be honest, I also had some phantasies of writing something to reflect the Mexican drug-war crisis, but depending ...

Yo, that was pretty good. As in: good overal rhythm of both sections; good descriptions; nice tight punches throwin in the sentences, although we'll see if you can maintain that ...

Yo, that was a pretty pleasant story with an inspirational tinge. In the attached file I've underlined my comments and what I think are mistakes, and in bold are bits ...

Bravo, (clap, clap, clappity), excellent graphic-novel/cartoon type of plot-core, which, at your tender age, is an achievement. If you can actually introduce some sort of crisis for them to solve, ...

Here we are, chapter 4 through the eyes of a Jherek:) One broad thing, which seemed to bug me since the first chapter, but I can only now articulate, after ...

Right here we are:) I see dramatic clouds are gathering above our heroes and physical and emotional turbulence starts striking. bits in bold - annihilate; underlined bits - comments and ...

That was pretty good scene-building. Some chopinessnessnessnissity lurking around the otherwise quite functional descriptions, but you'll get them on the first or fifth edit (I almost always get them

Yo, here's my take on the first 3 chapters. It's a very pleasant adventure so far, although there is a lack of decriptions, still, due perhaps to the low-tech clerk ...

Yo, this was a very pleasant, coherent, and almost mature read. Brilliant bits and pieces of the living together thing, the time of return, the annoying light from the bathroom, ...

Hey, great atmospherics! A moody, sentimental piece, I like it. When the time comes for editing, here are my recomendations: Line 3: I think it’s not the steps, but the ...

Hi there, Hailey the 2nd, a plseasure to read someone with a serious bent. I've just divided it into readable paragraphs and will insert stuff here and there. *** April ...

Hi, this is a promising start, when the time comes for the editing, here are my two cents. It's all mainly to do with the logistics of some situations and ...