JFW1415

If you want us to really feel the fear, to feel like we're the child on the bed, you're going to have to delve deeper. A lot deeper. Lines like ...

I didn't read this entire thing, but I did skim through it, and I can see that you're trying to do something I played around with before - rambling. You ...

This isn't really a short story, because it's not a story at all. A story has a beginning, middle, and end. It has 3-D characters with emotions. It has a ...

A few business things first: 1. Why would this woman take time to see this man? He's clearly unprofessional. It's expected to be clean-shaven for work, yet he shows up ...

I have to say I really really liked this... until I hit the flashback. That's not what I wanted at all. I wanted Diane to be all better, not some ...

It's late and I'm probably way too tired to be critiquing, but I'm doing it anyway. So there. =] First, I'd like to see the ages defined a little more ...

[remind me to check dates next time? urgh. oh well - ignore this if you wish. It's not that that old?] haha, I loooooove the ending. Very much so. =] ...

This was very good - gold star. One thing I'd like to see more of is the tension. We hear it and we know she feels it, but we don't ...

If tomorrow was the big day, why not start there? With stories, you always want to start in the middle. Don’t give us all this information at the start – ...

I didn't check your age, so I don't know if you simply need to take more pride in your writing or if you're just too young to understand all the ...

I know you aren’t going to like this, but this isn’t very good at all. I don’t know why – the prologue wasn’t that bad, grammar speaking and all – ...

I haven’t read the rest of this story, but I can already tell you that this is not needed. 9 times out of 10, that is the case with a ...

Awww. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. =] I only have a few comments for you, since I liked this a lot. The first is, why aren’t the ...

This is a sweet little story, but I wish you had slowed down a little bit. You’re not reciting a story out loud, so you can use a different tactic ...

My main problem with this was the lack of emotions and senses. This isn’t an action book, it’s an emotional one. What’s going through his mind? Why’s he think he’s ...