GryphonFledgling

Hello there... You have action in this piece, but really no heart. The first paragraph was okay, but then you go right into the action without letting us get to ...

Nice beginning. A couple things: you never really explained what exactly the "baeleen’kar" is. What exactly is this reward from that "yakar?" Why are two needed? "Gonna" and "what a ...

Hello, hello, hello... My suggestion would be to post the chapters in separate threads. That way the reader doesn't have to read piecemeal bits of the chapters. Anyway, a few ...

Yes, you have a bit of an info-dump here. Never fear, however, it can all be fixed with a little editing. My suggestion would be to have the action happening, ...

I liked this. Your descriptions were nice and you have what appears to be the start of a great story here. A crit: "Bible" should be capitalized. Other than that, ...

This was kind of depressing. It just felt so hopeless. However, you did a good job of getting into the character's head. She rambles a bit and so on and ...

Oops, read chapter 1 before the prologue... :) This was quick, but it was to the point. And it sets up the meeting of Tanner in the next chapter quite ...

This was an interesting beginning. I want to read more. You move the story along pretty quickly in this chapter. Maybe you could slooooow down a bit and describe things ...

It all started the day I realized that I was in love with my therapist. That day, I was minding my own business, waiting in the waiting room. The creepy ...

I loved this. It was awesome the way you gave a fire personality. It sounded like an angry god from ancient mythology almost, regretting those puny humans and some stupid ...

Hello and welcome to YWS! You have come to the perfect spot for being passionate about stories. Why don't you post some of your work? I'd love to read it! ...

Welcome to YWS! I'm afraid it's no Land of Shadow, but we have smileys and stars! Tips for you: Read the FAQs. Trust me. I wish I had when I ...

This was so sad. I just ache for both the person sewing and the one they are trying to mend. I loved this. The language and the rhythm, and just ...

I liked it. It was simple, yet powerful. My only issue with it is that you use the word 'hole' at the end of two lines in the first stanza. ...

I'd have to agree that the kiss is a little awkward. It is just completely random. I understand the whole idea, but in practice, it doesn't really work. This was ...