GryphonFledgling

Is this going to be continued? Because as is, the reader (me!) is left hanging. You set up a great situation, but I still want to know what the bad ...

I really can't say I cared for this poem. It was rather crude and didn't have much point to it. Your rhyming was all right and Stephixy already pointed out ...

I liked the emotion in this poem. You did a good job of expressing frustration, hurt, anger and so forth through your words. The rhythm seemed a little choppy to ...

The last time someone died. Everybody cried, then everyone lied. Lied to themselves of what really happened. I really liked this part. I think it is the best section of ...

I liked it. I was always a Brothers Grimm fan, so this was right up my alley. The thrice reversal of the sisters was interesting. It wasn't quite what I ...

I was a little confused the entire time. They have school on a ship? And there's magic? I liked your writing. Your style was really great. But I really was ...

Nice beginning. I liked your language. You have a very pretty style. I loved the little details, like the fact that the glass is expensive. I still feel like I ...

My only problem is that the last line doesn't really seem to work with the rest of it. It doesn't have quite enough syllables and you have to say it ...

This chapter does quite a bit of telling rather than showing. How about, instead of just telling us about what the men and women talk about, you take us through ...

Interesting. People don't generally voice thoughts when they are in the middle of a life or death struggle. When Momo looks down at the drop, you could have her swear, ...

I'm totally into this one! ~GryphonFledgling

There were some punctuation errors, but nothing too major. My main concern is how quickly you get the story started. You begin right when the conflict really begins, rather than ...

1/1/08 038 – Touch Warm. Mother is warm. Her hands are warm as they hold me. Hard. Mother is hard. Her arms are hard as they hug me tight. Soft. ...

I agree that perhaps this could benefit from punctuation, or more consistent punctuation, since you seem to have a little. "the bakery guest moans" = this seems a little awkward ...

Wow. I really liked this. Very thought-provoking and emotional. My only question: how did he do the transferring of his jacket, etc. while he is running? It seems like it ...