Griffinkeeper

The gleaming violet-flecked green eyes would appear from the stairway. I think it would build the suspense if you added "at any moment" somewhere in here. That way the reader ...

“Wear have you been we’ve been looking all over for you, are you…?’ She trailed off, and then asked. Should be "Where." “Who’s she?” I think I had a pretty ...

I sat upright, suddenly awake, shaking and sweating. I used Father's calming techniques subconsciously, breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. In, out, in, out, in and out. ...

Concerning structure: One thing that bothered me was the beginning. Check out this passage: “I will answer your questions in time,” he said through a scratched throat, “For now, join ...

Grif "Adelaide, I need to know when that second wave is coming in," Grif said. "They're ten minutes out. Be advised that the Utopian fleet has disengaged us and jumped ...

(OCC: Hey folks. Two things: one story related and one storybook related. The first mission is more or less complete. The Utopian Firebase has been stormed, valuable intel is being ...

Above the planet, the battle raged. Three escorts remained of the original ten. Aboard the Utopian Carrier Paradise , the last pig re-entered Snoink's TARDIS. It dematerialized, revealing a console ...

"Scar, we just got information from Vit. He said that the place marked "Guard House" was a trap, meant to kill anyone that tried a rescue attempt. The actual guard ...

The moment that Grif leapt from the pod, he took fire from every corner. The shields of the SPEW Commando suit kicked into action and absorbed the fire. The shields ...

Welcome Benway! This is a good place to get back into writing. Everyone is really supportive when it comes to new or returning writers. I think even I need to ...

I noticed all the dirt and grim about his face Should be "grime." This chapter is really dull. While it is better to show action instead of telling us about ...

Grif's pod shuddered as it was ejected from the underside of the SPEW Gryphon. Around him, he could see other pods that had been released and above him fighters were ...

Grif "All hands to Battle Stations. This is not a drill. First wave to drop pods, second wave to drop ships," Adelaide's calm voice said. Grif walked calmly to the ...

Well be starting within 24 hours folks, stay tuned!

Welcome to YWS Charade! I'm Grif, one of the many friendly moderators here on YWS. One of the things we try to do is make the site as warm and ...