Emerson

So, I took another stab at ultra short poetry. I think I did better with this one, than with my last. All comments are appreciated greatly! Rough Drafts Crinkled pages ...

Ah, I love this version so much more. In parts it felt too rambly and too much full of "telling". I think you are wanting to use certain lines really ...

This poem is too short. It is like The Red Wheelbarrow , but this is just too short for me... It's too simple, bland, there isn't anything I can get ...

Yes, like Rieda says, punctuate! The poem, like your last one, just tells . You have to do more than tell in a poem. You have to show, paint a ...

Just as some general notes: your title has a typo, you'll want to capitalize the pronoun I, always, and be sure to add in more punctuation in places. I can ...

I liked this--all but the last stanza. Everything before that was actually pretty good, almost superb, but that last stanza just... sort of summed everything up. Rather than flat out ...

Hmm... This is cute? ^_~ But, at times the rhymes forced your line to do certain things that didn't make much sense, and so the poem didn't make sense. @_@ ...

I also like this.... but the tense change makes me squeal in a bad way. You'll really want to fix this. Another thing that irked me was the fact that ...

I adore Depp. ^^ He's a brilliant actor, and I'm hoping that Burton will also make a nice work with this--his last two were rather disappointing and major sell outs. ...

We just weren't ment to be! ment->meant. I really liked the last stanza: Like the first slice of cake, I want the unbroken surface back, The innocence of that first, ...

The imagery... Yes! You actually have imagery. But I didn't really pick up on it. The poem is hard to read, because it lacks punctuation and capitalization in places, and ...

Unlike Matt, I'm all for adding punctuation and capitalization. Unless you do it with a purpose (and I think you were just forgetful ^_~) you should use them. Here is ...

I can't critique lyrics at all, so you will get no real comments. ^^; Since this is a song lyric, like you said, I'm going to move it to the ...

In the last stanza I think you should use commas instead of semicolons. That was the only stanza I liked. Everything was telling, and it was telling me something I ...

I second Incandescence--this just doesn't give off what it should, though the first line is well written. But, I'll expand on that and see if I can give some tips. ...