Butterfly18

Well, strictly focusing on dialogue, in my honest opinion its a little overdone. Too many exclamation points, too many breaks, and it seemed a bit unnatural at times. Here's my ...

I loved this as an opening. He woke up, wedged between busty blonde triplets. Not the worst place to be. No, defiantly not the worst place to be. Good stuff. ...

Hello, OriginalKommadant. I like the name, Dresden first of all. :) Some of the things I noticed. "HE CANNOT BE KING!" And indignant voice called out that erupted the diplomacy ...

Hello, IsItLove. Just some things I noticed. “Do you understand what has happened Maria, sweetheart, your parents, well, your family was killed in car crash.” the kindness, sorrow, and empathy ...

Hello, Aquareed. I love witches and withcraft, I have them play a major role in my fantasy series. As for your opening, here are some things I spotted. I lifted ...

Hello, Gamergirl. First thing I noticed, My vision was blurred , but I noticed I no longer was in a white nothingness. My vision was blurred, is one sentence. I ...

Hello, neonwriter. First of all, you're paragraphs are very clunky and awkward. Whenever a character speaks, or there is a shift in opinion, point of view, meaning, thought etc. it ...

Hello, Deathcurrent. First of all, very intrigued from the moment I read, I’m Victoria Stake and I’m a Naiad, or a water elf in simpler terms. Good stuff. Only thing ...

Hello, I'm new to this site as I see you are. First thing that confused me was this, “You must die, Nate!” “It is the only way!” “Why have you ...