BrokenSword

As a side note, I don't think that this merits an R-rating, unless you have things planned for later in the story, in which case maybe you should just rate ...

True. Erik is a servant of the Shah's, and Sabah is visiting from another land, but Nasser Shah is willing to let Sabah have whatever she wants while she's there, ...

Thanks, sokool! :D

Currently, I can't detect much emotion from Erik. It's almost like the two are robots talking to each other with pre-programmed dialogue. This works as a formality for a little ...

I feel I must caution you on name choice. I find it easier to mix unusual names you can pronounce with maybe the one odd one that's a little more ...

I think I’m on adjective overload. The above is what I’d suggest. On the topic of the sword, you sometimes call it a blade, sometimes a pike, so I’m not ...

Thank you so much Amelia, I love getting detailed crits because when I re-read the chapter so many times I start missing some important things. I'm starting to notice I ...

Ooh, very nice. I also thought it was quite sad, too. I agree that I like this "telling" style of the story. Great work!!

Part 1 They’d been marching for three days. Exhausted, sweating and stinking, fifty thousand rebels trudged across the soaked landscape, struggling to remain upright and trying their best to ignore ...

Thanks so much!! I knew a lot was missing from this piece or needed to be fixed, I just didn't know what. Thanks again, I really needed those suggestions.

Whoops! Sorry bout that :)

Please see the new topic for chapter 2! :)

@aeroman: I think everyone thinks of the narrator, if speaking in a first person point of view, is the gender that the reader is. Really, it makes it easier to ...

Thank you for all your tips. I've edited the beginning; you can take a look at it and see what you think. :) Chapter 2 is in progress! I hope ...

Ack! Thanks, you're right, I didn't realize how many times I had put in "his" in that sentence. I'll fix it. Thanks for your post; I am going to continue ...