$luckylucas$

This is a really interesting idea. It belongs more in sci fi, but I like the mutated aspect to Lucas. You should describe the mutation in Lucas a little bit ...

Well done, especially for a first time! You seemed to have edited it well too. A few minor things-- Then I screamed. I screamed as the plane plummeted out of ...

It's a little confusing. You might want to tell a little more about what happened before this scene. Also I don't know the setting. The forced marriage part sounds like ...

slightly deluding the smell of old cigarettes and pretended cleanliness What does the smell of 'pretended cleanliness' smell like? You shouldn't use visual language to describe a scent. A tiny ...

Well written, but instead of having bug after bug after bug, mix it up alittle. He needs to overcome some obstacle for this to really classify as an adventure. Maybe ...

I like how you start with a James bond-like intro The name is Killer, Max Killer. On the part where you write I went up to one of the tables ...

Since he had nowhere to live and no money, Clover decided the best thing to do was get a job. He wandered the cold streets of the village, not knowing ...