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The Magnificent Humphrey Wolf Adams (Part Two)



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Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:10 pm
joshuapaul says...



For fifteen minutes he stood in stone, barely breathing, eyeing the atlas. At last, he turned on a heel, like a rusty gate in the wind and said, “We are going to Wolf Island.”

Esteban’s big bottom lip curled a little in protest. He considered his life with Humphrey. Crisp evenings standing on mountain slopes with a walkie-talkie and a stopwatch. He looked down at his missing middle finger which Humphrey had made 'disappear.' The scene was still fresh. Humphrey’s confident smile under curled moustache, he spoke loud, with sleight fingers and shifting eyes and when the blood came he couldn’t shake the magicians persona. Grinning madly, shuffling a deck of cards, all the way to the hospital. And he could barely count the times Humphrey’s wide looping throws missed the heavy bag and clocked him, a mouse had risen under each eye at just the first evening of training to be a boxer.

So the idea of sailing to the Galapagos Islands wasn’t at all enticing. Couple that with the dreamy look Humphrey now wore, and his conviction about some number he heard twenty years ago. Esteban let a hoarse breath burr between his lips.

"Okay, Sir."

They packed up. Humphrey replaced his moccasins with tightly tied rubber shoes, which squeaked with each step. And Esteban was loosely sealed in yellow polyerathane, his cheese cutter hat still sat under the hood. Humphrey puffed his pipe and watched on while Esteban hunched forward and pulled the oars back as the dinghy skimmed toward Edmund’s Endeavour. They climbed aboard, pulled the anchor, raised the sail and began.

***

When Humphrey woke after nine days at sea, it was still early and wet hot. Esteban’s feet, wrapped in holy socks, sent Humphrey’s breath back over his forehead. Last time they sailed together Esteban slept on the wood floor. But Humphrey had seen him hunched with his palms pressing into his spine, a grimace on his face and he thought the hard wood was no place for an old man with a bad back. So they bunked.

He considered the ship, but not the dusty old relic he lay in, the ship as it was forty years ago. He waited on the wharf, dangling his feet over the edge with a fleet of maids huddled around in case he slipped. Just five years old, he eagerly eyed the horizon, for five days. Watching for those great white sails, the sharp wooden nose of Edmond’s Endeavour as it cut through the blue. And every time another ship came, he eyed it expecting.

When that grand old thing bounced over the white caps and got closer, close enough to recognise. "It’s him!" He screamed and the fleet shook themselves from day slumber, fingernails ceased to be picked and eyes left magazines. They all watched as the little thing, with hair like Indian ink, danced his way along the wharf, waving his arms wildly.

Esteban’s feet shifted as he sat up and Humphrey sat aswell. They were face-to-face, close enough to hug.

“Morning, Sir.” Esteban said inquisitively, because it may have been afternoon, but they wouldn't know. Not until Humphrey reviewed the suns movement and the charts, of course.

Dolphins were cutting in and out of the whitewash which peeled from the prow. Humphrey sat with one hand hard on the helm and a cup of tea in the other. The vessel carved an unfaltering line, the sail sighed, and the mast groaned and swayed with the breeze. Humphrey looked up into the blue sky, then towards the horizon. Dark clouds were amassing like an army, staunchly waiting their approach. But he couldn’t stop, he wouldn’t wait. Wolf Island would arrive in a few days more if he kept this pace.

Esteban emerged from the cabin in time to find Humphreys sharp nose low, his gaze hard set on the coming thunder-heads.

“We are heading for the storm, Sir.”
“I can see that Esteban, but not to worry, this old girl has seen plenty of storms in her time.”

Esteban’s mouth shaped as if to speak again but he thought better of it. He swallowed, seemingly indifferent but for the way his mouth sat a little ajar and the way his fingers moved in and out of each other.

“Get back down stairs, Esteban, no use in you getting wet as well.”

Esteban went to speak again, but stopped himself and receded down the hatch.

The lanyard was flapping a little now, jerking about against the mast, ringing like the church’s bells. The sea was upset, rising and falling, breaking white caps. A fine caul of mist obscured the horizon. Then it began to fall, heavy lugubrious drops, beating their way across the water towards Edmond’s Endeavour. The sails were jerking tight, then falling flat, then jerking again. The ship was rolling over the mountains and into the valleys of the sea.

“Come on you bastard!”

From the pitter-patter of the rain, beating closer, came thunder. From the thunder came the storm.


Humphrey's father sailed, before he was locked away. And while his father was at sea Humphrey had only the maids for company. When the evenings got cold, and frost voided Humphrey’s bedroom window looking out over the garden, Jemima, the evening cook, made soup. Into the deep copper pot, she dropped peeled onions, and chicken stock, making gallons of it to last all week. Humphrey would help her cook, tugging on her apron and dictating ingredients, added in feign. She said “Go on down to the cellar and fetch me the big ole can of tomatoes would you, Humphrey?” And when she said Humphrey the ph slipped through her deep southern drawl.

Humphrey disappeared down the wooden steps, legs going like a sewing machine. When he busted through the cellar door his short breath stopped. His eyes stopped. His hand still clung to the brass handle. There he was. His father, home but unannounced -- some how he had got in without detection. His knees were wrapped under his elbows. His eyes mad wide and his face tight and clean, a child’s face on a man. “You’re my forty-first, son, my forty-first.” He said then he smiled, and his teeth were like white leather shoeshine. He was younger, he could have been Humphrey's teenage brother. But he was his father, his naked trembling father, balled in the corner of the cellar. Humphrey turned, and ran to his room, he didn’t eat supper that night.

The next day, he was convinced it was a nightmare, though how could a nightmare be so clear? He wondered. His father was at the breakfast table, coffee in hand. He looked his age again, whatever it was, though his skin was still tight, and his hands. His hands were clear of liver spots and callouses, younger.

Thump! His heart started going for it. He slipped and hit the wood as the ship rolled to almost ninety degrees. One white hand clutched the helm, the other let the tea cup slip along the wood and into the static. He hung for a moment then the mast settled upright again. He scrambled back to his feet and twirled his moustache with his freehand and his clothes stuck like heavy skin. The sun was gone now, down the horizon, or impossibly obscured by dark cloud. The ship rolled; the sails snarled and whipped. Humphrey pulled jerky lines, letting slack out, pulling it back. He was mad. Grinning.

“Is that all? You sonofabitch!”

Then an eruption hit. Sea water blasted over the side, washing over the boards at knee height. The mast swung with the wind and the force of the wave. It went ninety degrees, at least. Lightening flashed so bright that Humphrey could only see in negative for a few seconds after. Then Thunder, only a heartbeat later.Thump!

***

Humphrey woke. He was in bed. Was it a dream? He may have gone another four rounds, the way his head swam when he sat up. In the mirror, he pulled the comb back over his hair. But he couldn’t get past the crest without a crippling pain shooting through his skull like a masons drill, down his spine. He felt with his fingers and found a golf ball which had risen.

“You’re awake, Sir,” Esteban, who had silently moved into the cabin, said.

“What the hell happened? Are we still in the storm?”

“You,” He began uneasily, “You hit your head, Sir. I don’t know how long you were out there, sliding across the deck.”

Humphrey's bushy brows fell a little. “I have been sleeping?”

“Almost two days.”

Suddenly, Humphrey realised how empty his stomach was. Esteban, sat him down, and fixed oats and tea. The sun was pouring through the round cabin windows and Esteban said “We will be arriving this afternoon, according to your charts, Sir,” then climbed out of the cabin and back outside, to the helm.


Humphrey tried to follow him, but the sun was too bright, the rocking deck made his head spin, so he quickly resigned to the cabin. Out of boredom, or perhaps curiosity, he began rifling through the drawers, for a book or anything to pass the time. His fingers moved between broken compass pieces, ink pots and quills. They ran over something with hard edges, a book.

It was green and worn and turning it in his hands he read B.W.A carved in faded black ink on the cover. Bart Wolf Adams. He opened it, to the middle and read.

3rd January 1831


13-8558-89-8180

I have successfully visited again. Three times in total now. It's allure isn't quite what it was, anymore. I remind myself to look away, I say it, I scream it, I etch it into the back of my hand. And when I see it happening, I see the ink, I hear my voice and it's easier.

I am making my way East again, home. I am too tired to tell you it all. This was an adventure as always.

Sleep comes now.

1831, impossible. He had the date wrong, the crazy old fool. If it was right and he wrote this at age ten, he would have been 144 on the day of his death. Impossible

"I can see it," Esteban called, failing to keep the excitement out of his voice. "Sir, we are approaching Wolf Island."

It appeared as a pimple on the horizon. Then it grew into a tumour, then the boat creaked against the sand and they were forty feet away. It was steeped in vines, algae green. And the beach sand was as white as Humphrey’s milky earl grey. At the peak of the island sat a grey patch, a stone pillar, perhaps. That's it, Humphrey thought, though he didn't say it. Esteban let the anchor go and it hit the sand after only a second.

“ It’s shallow, sir.”

"Well, let's get going then, shall we?"
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Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:31 pm
sargsauce says...



Housekeeping. You don't capitalize "sir" unless it's a title like Sir Elton John. But as a word of respect, it's just, "How are you, sir?"

Grinning madly, shuffling a deck of cards, all the way to the hospital.

In the previous section, you made Humphrey out to be a tired, wild, restless, energetic man's man. Here, you have made him a clown.

Edmund’s Endeavour.
...
Edmond’s Endeavour

You're still doing it. It's weirding me out.

He considered the ship, but not the dusty old relic he lay in, the ship as it was forty years ago...waving his arms wildly.

Not sure what the purpose of this scene was.

Humphrey's father sailed, before he was locked away. And while his father was at sea Humphrey had only the maids for company.

This was a weak segue into the scene of finding his crazy dad.

He may have gone another four rounds

The connection to the beginning of the story is not very solid here and goes rather unnoticed for the most part.

“You,” He began

Uncapitalize that "He".

3rd January 1831

Just a few paragraphs ago, you were foreshadowing about his dad's immortality or resetting age or whatever. And before we've had time to let it sink it, you give us firm evidence that this is indeed the truth. Too soon? For this to come so early, we wonder why you even bothered foreshadowing in the first place.
Also, you never tell us that his dad's name is Bart (which I'm assuming here). Not a big deal, but you're forcing the reader to make this assumption.

he wrote this at age ten

What? I think you were thinking something but never wrote it down. There is no indication that the writer is ten.

The storm seems like a cheap excuse to have something happen on the trip there and pass the time, and the way it was written didn't really capture the imagination. There's not much of a sense of danger, and the water "blasts" and the boat "rolls" and the sails "whip" and that's about it. We enter the narration nine days into the trip, have a storm, and then spend the rest of the trip in limbo. The storm is just kinda stuck in there as a well-used, broken-in seafaring device.

All in all, this section was lacking in oomph. Perhaps because it's a "traveling" bit and just serves as a segue between two events. But between the forced flashbacks and the so-so storm, there's not a lot to chew on.
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:22 pm
SmylinG says...



Hey, JP. ;]

So I'm gonna go ahead and be a little less nit-picky and jump right into the gist of things here. Now, for some reason I think I like this part better in comparison to the last. The last seemed to have that superb opening with the boxing and the adrenaline and I was quite pulled in. But then you had sort of faltered a bit in the middle, and I was more so clinging to the facts as best I could. And for some reason or other there was this sense of being only vaguely clued into things. With this part of the story, I feel as though I've let go of most of that. After reading, there was no real bad taste left in my mouth and I felt like you let your readers in a little more to where they could grasp the intriguing ideas you were handing out. So for this, I think this part as a whole has kept its pace well.

Now that I'm on the topic of pace, I guess I'll dabble a little in the bigger ideas you set to light here. The father, there's this sense of mystery about him and I quite like how you aired that all out here with the flashback before Humphrey gets knocked out, amidst the chaotic atmosphere of the storm and all. One might think it as a little much to be revealed so abruptly, but I think it was splendidly executed in the fashion which you made it. I was being swept up by the description of the storm in my peripheral, while in the center of my "vision" I was reading all these queerly suggestive flashback memories from the viewpoint of Humphrey's. I can't really place my finger on why I like that, but the thoughts seem very collective from the writer's standpoint, and I can appreciate that most. You weren't simply blurting out information either. You did it in a semi-chaotic yet totally in control manner. So this is win, JP sir. Win.

Now, about the father in particular. I'm a bit confused at the condition of his life and the mystery behind his past endeavors. Though I'm at odds with this direction you've suddenly decided to take with your audience, it rather intrigues me. Which is great, because you've captured your audience with something just early on enough to keep them wanting to journey on forward with your story. I want to see where this journey takes Humphrey's. I want to know what's going to all mesh together in the end, because as of this moment, the only solid thing I can take from what is going on is that there is an odd truth to be revealed. Though I don't know exactly what, I can say I'm assuming it'll lead to a grander scheme of things. In other words, I'm hoping for a twist!

There were parts in here that seemed a bit choppy to me as far as general details. The beginning for instance. You make a minor recount of Esteban's life with Humphrey's. I know they're linked with the boxing and obviously friendship, but you reveal some random odd things like Esteban getting his finger cut off and Humphrey's reacting like some mad magician? I don't know, I felt lost. I tried to gather something useful from it, like perhaps Humphrey's had a tendency to take Esteban for granted or he wasn't as mindful of the well-being of their relationship, or something. It just wasn't clear though. I can only hope you'll smooth this out for your readers; assuming I'm not the only one who gets lost in translation of what you were trying to conclude their.

And now that I'm on the subject of Esteban, I'd like to talk a little more about his significance in the story. I try to wonder what type of role secondary characters like this play in stories where it seems the MC is clearly secluded. I want to think he'll have some greater significance come the end of this story, but I just wanted to throw it out there not to leave him as dust in the wind. Not saying that you will, but I sort of like his character. He reminds me of a little sidekick, but will he shine in the story? I only wonder.

Anyway, I think I like what you have here perhaps a little better than the last part. Mostly because it seemed a little more well collected in thought. Though, it is far easier to view things as a whole when they're not in such broken up piece as this. So I won't be to quick to jump the gun in saying you should fix certain smaller things before I've even read where you're intricate ideas take me.

That's all for now I think. Link me part 3 when it's posted!

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:06 am
confetti says...



When Humphrey woke after nine days at sea, it was still early and wet hot.

"wet hot" doesn't seem like proper grammar. I toyed around with it in my head, trying to say it in different ways, but it just doesn't seem right.
Esteban’s feet, wrapped in holy socks, sent Humphrey’s breath back over his forehead.

Were his socks blessed by a priest?
“Morning, Sir.(comma, si?)” Esteban said inquisitively,

Also, I found this part (the paragraph that this is a part of) to be rather odd. They should have some idea of whether it's morning or afternoon, shouldn't they? By the sun's positioning or if it was low in the sky when they woke up? But I suppose it could be the time of day when you just wake up and have no freaking idea. Like when you look a the clock after a nap and you aren't sure if it's am or pm right away. Anyway, I just figured they would be able to tell.
“Come on you bastard!”

The imagery before this was quite lovely and intriguing, but you lost me here. It was probably just me, but I don't really understand the purpose of this. I feel like he's challenging the storm, but I'm not sure. I suppose I could really interpret it however I please.
Humphrey's father sailed, before he was locked away.

I don't think that comma is of much use to you
Jemima, the evening cook, made soup.

Like... Aunt Jemima?
Into the deep copper pot, she dropped peeled onions,(I would get rid of this comma) and chicken stock, making gallons of it to last all week.

His father, home but unannounced -- some how he had got in without detection.

Somehow is one word
“You’re my forty-first, son, my forty-first.(comma)he said then he smiled, and his teeth were like white leather shoeshine.

Humphrey turned, (no comma)and ran to his room, he didn’t eat supper that night.

I feel like "he didn't eat supper that night" should be its own sentence, it would stand out more.
“Is that all? You sonofabitch!”

This outburst helped me to understand the other one better, props
Then Thunder, only a heartbeat later.Thump!

De-capitalize thunder. This little find made me so happy, honestly.
“You,” he began uneasily, “You hit your head, Sir. I don’t know how long you were out there, sliding across the deck.”

Like a rag-doll.
“Almost two days.”

Was Esteban not worried? The guy was lying around the ship for two days and he didn't think to check to see if he was okay? Odd.
Esteban, sat him down, and fixed oats and tea.

You have a little uncontrollable comma syndrome happening here. Honestly, I think the sentence would be okay without any commas whatsoever.
The sun was pouring through the round cabin windows and Esteban said (comma)

Out of boredom, or perhaps curiosity, he began rifling through the drawers, (no comma) for a book or anything to pass the time.

It appeared as a pimple on the horizon.

Your imagery has been beautiful this story, but I feel like this is so out of place. If your imagery were a balloon, filling each time you wrote something lovely, this deflated it.
(remove the space here) It’s shallow, sir.”



I enjoyed this part immensely more than the first. It was downright enjoyable. You're using a whole lot of figurative language, which works well for you, but sometimes it feels like you overuse it, and I lose whatever meaning you were trying to put across. That was really my only gripe aside from the nitpicks above. I hope my reviews are at least half as much help as yours have been to me. Au Revoir
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss
  








Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.
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