Young Writers Society

The acrid scent of smoked flesh stung my nasal passageways, invading my lungs. I coughed violently, flinging myself up with every heaving breath. I felt the sensation of its sound traveling through my ears more than I heard the sound itself. It was all a garbled, disjointed roar of noise growing louder. I could not distinguish whether it came from inside of me, or out. My head was pounding.

I saw the flashing of shadows from beneath my eyelids. I tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture. I could feel my lips, shriveled up into strips of dry blisters. My own body was slicked with sweat, my limbs trembled.

I tried to force my eyes open, only to realize with an eerie sense of disorientation that they were already opened. I saw nothing but darkness. The first thing I thought, where am I? and reality snaps into place. I'm alive.

And then out loud: “I'm alive!” My voice was raspy, like a jagged knife to the surrounding emptiness.

Something stirred beside me. Not quite emptiness, I thought deliriously. There was a crowd of people. I couldn't focus on the individual voices, they seemed so far away. My head was starting to get foggy. If I were to come to my senses I had to focus on something small. That much I knew.

Then I felt it. To my left, something wet. A puddle of water, perhaps? I mused over this thought. If I stretched my arm, I could feel it. I wanted to take a drink of its sweet coolness. I discovered that my fingers weren't quite broken. And yet....

I tried moving them towards my face and almost gasped in fright. I couldn't see! Not a thing was visible in this darkness. I knew something was wrong. Somehow, I knew my body wasn't responding how I wanted it to. My arm. Was it not moving? I didn't dare struggle with it. I was afraid to touch my own face. Afraid to move my own arm. Afraid that if I regained my sight, I would not find myself whole.

A desperate plea escaped from my parched throat. Something warm rested itself upon my forehead and brushed at my hair. Another rough and cracked palm held my lower jaw open, forced something into my mouth. My tongue wrapped itself around a pill, and without hesitation I swallowed.

I imagined myself as the pill, making its descent down a long tunnel, but my sleep never came. Instead, I felt more awake. My eyes were able to adjust, and I made out dark figures. I could hear words again!

“Fiel?” It was the Captain's voice. I took a deep breath; he was with me all along.

“How are you feeling?” It was his rough hands that helped me up. I immediately felt light-headed from moving so fast, but all the pain was gone.

“My arm—” I began. I tried to move it again, and clenched my teeth.

“It looks broken,” said the Captain. I wiggled my fingers again, though it took more effort than it should.

“Ah, maybe just sprained. This is good news.”

“Good news? I can barely see...” The last thing I remembered was falling from the sky. The cruiser caught on fire, completely destroyed by an unknown aggressor, but it wasn't just us. It seemed like we were in the middle of a cross-fire. A hundred ships were falling down from the sky. Those at Willsboro would have seen everything, would have preyed with each fallen ship, like one would wish upon a shooting star.

“The smoke is still thick,” Captain Vinn said. “You can't even see the moon.” I began to recognize more shapes in the darkness. I realized then, the source of that horrendous noise that was now just a background sound to all the terror—

It was the cries of so many people. Waves upon waves of people, screaming, running, shoving. Everywhere. Plenty more were crying in agony, festering wounds, grieving over the dead. More crafts came crashing towards the earth—it was a thunder of sound, a storm of destruction. Every once in a while, the sky was illuminated from these giant balls of flames. More blood; more violence; more tragedy.

Captain Vinn worked on my arm, wrapping it in scraps of fabric he tore from the shirt on his back. He had no obligation to be here with me, yet the Captain was always looking after me. What kind of man would stay in this nightmare willingly? This wasn't supposed to happen anymore. I thought I had escaped from all this, I thought I had made it. No—almost escaped. Almost made it. We still had yet to cross the mountains.

“Can you move?” He asked me. I wearily got to my knees. He was holding me up, trying to get me over his shoulder. Then all at once, his body slumped and we both fell to the ground. I felt the impact in my heart, a dreading fear. I heard the sounds of guns. It can't be...

Another ball of fire scorched the air, this one a lot nearer. I could just make out the Captain's cold, vacant eyes, and the blood now spurting from between his shoulder blades. I hugged the ground. I couldn't even clap my hands to my ears. This wasn't happening! It could've been me!

“No!” With all my strength, I crawled towards his body. I struggled against the agonizing pain in my chest. My one arm wrapped around his neck, I buried my face in his blood. Was I crying?

“No!” My voice was getting weaker. My own world was crumbling before my eyes. My mother. My father. My grandfather. And now my uncle—

He had his gun still in his holster. My good hand picked it up. Before I could try anything, I felt a tugging pain at my scalp. Someone held me by my hair.

“I'd drop that if I were you, young lady. You're coming with us.”

Okay, so let me get this straight. The girl's name is Fiel and she couldn't see at the beginning of the chapter because of all the fog and couldn't move her arm because it was broken, correct? I like your description of Fiel's awakening at the beginning of the chapter. You tricked me into believing Fiel was either dead, blind, or in a cave. I don't like how you killed the Captain in your first chapter, while hinting that the Captain might have a love interest in Fiel.

“I'd drop that if I were you, young lady. You're coming with us.”

In novels, first chapters are really important and your last line is definitely a hook. Good job on that.

It'll be interesting to see where you go with this, right now it's really too early to say if I like it or not. I believe as your novel progresses, the reader will develop more emotional connections with Fiel and they'll be able to relate to her more. Keep on writing no matter how hard it gets!

Hi Audy! I enjoyed reading this! Haha the surprises at the end were great and well placed - it makes me excited to see twists so well placed! It could use some brushing up, and I'm going to point out a few things that could have been done better, but this is definitely a good piece! So, on to the meat of the review:

The acrid scent of smoked flesh filled my lungs after stinging my nasal passageways.

So there is too much going on in this sentence. You need to break up the different actions somehow, like by breaking up the sentence in commas somehow, using a semicolon... whatever you can think of. If you try adding punctuation, I think that you will still need to reword the sentence.

I saw the flashing of shadows, as opposed to light, from beneath my eyelids. Tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture.

I don't see any subject in this sentence. I could, of course, be wrong; from what I can see there are two actions without a subject. So you need to fix that by putting "I" or 'he", whichever one you meant to place here. If you don't want to put a subject there, then you could always replace the period with a semicolon.

Something stirred beside me. Not quite emptiness, I thought deliriously.

You need the 'ly' suffix here. I'm not sure what the exact rule is, but you need an 'ly' at the end here. I'll find the rule and post it on your wall for you!

If I were to come to my senses I had to focus on something small; I knew that much.

You need to break up this sentence; there are too many commas, it is too long and there is too much going on. I placed my suggestion up there, but there are other ways you can do it as well.

Well I enjoyed reading and reviewing this! There weren't really too many things wrong. You have a solid story going - we don't know a whole lot of what is going on, but you enlightened me enough to keep me from being utterly in the dark and confused. So yeah! If you message me when you post chapter 2, I'll totally be there to review it!

Keep Writing!
~HP

I REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY liked it. Crafted well. Writen VERY well! But some sentences were awkward like this one

Not a thing was visible in this darkness, and yet somehow I knew something was wrong.

. You might want to change some words you used over again that are plain. I Really enjoyed the ending, but some parts of the story were "unclear". Splendid job there. I loved the aura of mystery. . . . Ooooh, is the boogie man Under my bed OR in my closet! O) OH MY GOD!!! (lol not the Sasquatch). Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Hey! Happy to be your first reviewer:) I really like to rip EVERYTHING apart, and I've got a lot of time. I'm going to be VERY, VERY nit-picky. Sorry if I'm harsh!

The acrid scent of smoked flesh filled my lungs after stinging my nasal passageways.

First off, ew:/ But good start. I like how it draws me in! I want to know what (who?) is burning! But I think it should be
'stung my nose and filled my lungs.'
less wordy and easier to comprehend.

When you wake up from unconsciousness, the first thing you experience above all else is the sensation of sound traveling through your ears. A garbled, disjointed uproar that made my ears pound.

So this is a little confusing. That's never the first thing I experience when I wake up... But if that's the case for you, then you should change it to the first thing I experienced... not you. Also, didn't you notice the smell of the flesh first??? Then you say 'A garbled, disjointed uproar that made my ears pound.' Okaaayyy, what about it? That's a broken sentence. What is this sound doing? Is it filling your brain, calming you down? Is that an extension of your last sentence? You could say that's the first thing you heard maybe? CLARIFY!

No—the pounding was my own pulse, felt at my temples. Heavy, but very much alive.

What? The pounding in your ears is really your pulse, I got that. I also get that it's at your temples, even though that's worded strangely. It's the heavy part I don't get. Don't pulses speed up and slow down when their in a critical state? I'm no expert, but I don't think their weight changes.

I saw the flashing of shadows, as opposed to light, from beneath my eyelids.

Yep, that's normally what a shadow is!

Tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture. I could feel my lips—shriveled up into strips of dry blisters. My own body was slicked with sweat, my limbs trembling.

put an I before the tasted part. Get rid of the dash and maybe try to add a that before feel? Not necessary but welcomed:) Get rid of the own. We didn't think it was anyone' body but yours! Also trembling should be trembled. keep up with the past tense!

I tried to force my eyes open—only to realize with an eerie sense of disorientation that they were already opened.

Oooh I like that a lot:) Just remember that in the last paragraph they WERE closed. And you don't need the dash.

I saw nothing but darkness. The first thing you think—where am I?

Hmmm I'm noticing a pattern. You like to tell us what we think and how we act. Not always a bad thing, but I think you should switch the you think to the first thing I thought was. Keeps it from turning into second person I believe. and later on in the paragraph you say then reality sinks... you need to work on keeping it past tense and first person.

And then out loud. “I'm alive!”

something about that irks me. Join them together with something, like 'then I said aloud, "I'm alive"'. I don't know, SOMETHING.

There was a crowd of people—I couldn't focus on the voices. My head was starting to get foggy. If I were to come to my senses, I had to focus on something small, I knew that much. Then, I felt it. To my left, something wet. A puddle of water perhaps. I mused over this thought. If I stretched my arm, I could feel it. I wanted to take a drink of its sweet coolness. I discovered that my fingers weren't quite broken. And yet....

Okay. You're just a little bit- crazy with the dash marks! You really don't need them at all in this paragraph! Replace it with a but or yet and get a much smoother effect. Also, get rid of a few commas. Like the one after senses,Then, left (and add a there was), and arm.
You seem to discover that your fingers aren't broken quite randomly. Did you think they were broken before? I was not informed of this! And yet.... what?

I tried moving them towards my face and almost gasped in fright. I couldn't see! Not a thing was visible in this darkness, and yet somehow I knew something was wrong. Somehow I knew my body wasn't responding how I wanted it to. Was my arm not moving—and how could I not know? I was afraid to touch my own face. Afraid to move my own arm. Afraid that if I regained my sight, I would not find myself whole.

Tried? Does that mean you failed? The and yet is repetitive. So I had to reread this paragraph a few times before I got it? (Get rid of the dash!!! Make those two separate sentences.) What I gathered is that it was so dark, you couldn't see your hand. Therefore you can't tell if your hand is moving or not. Then you get afraid that maybe it really isn't moving and don't want to see, because then you'll discover if you can move or not.
Right? But here's my theory. Lay down on the floor. Close your eyes. Raise your arm. You can feel it lifting off the ground, even with your eyes closed. You don't have to see to know that your arm is moving! I do like the last bit sentence though. Just rethink this paragraph.

A desperate plea escaped from my parched throat. Something warm rested itself upon my forehead, brushed at my hair. Another rough and cracked palm held my lower jaw open, forced something into my mouth. My tongue wrapped itself around a pill, and without hesitation I swallowed.

Replace the first comma with an and and get rid of the second one.

I imagined myself as the pill, making its descent down a long tunnel—but my sleep never came

Just remove the dash.

“My arm--” I began, I tried to move it again to no avail.

Ohhh so you could tell earlier that it wasn't moving. So say that you could tell it wasn't moving! It doesn't matter if you can see or not, you can tell when your arm wont move. Plus, if it's broken you can still move it, it just hurts like heck on a stick!

It seemed like we were in the middle of a cross-fire—a hundred ships were falling down from the sky; those at Willsboro would have seen everything, would have preyed with each fallen ship, like one would wish upon a shooting star.

This is all one sentence. Let's break this up, shall we?

It seemed like we were in the middle of a crossfire. A hundred ships were falling from the sky. Those at Willsbro would have seen everything and prayed with each fallen ship like one would wish upon a shooting star.

I realized then, the source of that horrendous noise that was now just a background sound to all the horror—

get rid of the comma and make the dash a period.

Plenty more—more people crying in agony, festering wounds, grieving over the dead.

Plenty more than what? Plenty more were somewhere else? Were doing something different than the others? Get rid of the plenty more- (YES, the dash goes too) and just say Still more were crying... (We already know you mean people).

More crafts came crashing towards the earth—it was a thunder of sound, a storm of destruction.

FINALLY! AN ACCEPTABLE DASH!

He was holding me up, trying to get me over his shoulders, when all at once, his body slumped and we both fell to the ground. I felt the impact in my heart—a dreading fear. I heard the sounds of guns. It can't be...

Just one shoulder. Not plural! Get rid of the comma after shoulders and once. Also the dash after heart, add a comma and say it was. Make the It can't be to symbolize that you are thinking and it makes the present tense okay.

My one arm wrapped around his neck, I buried my face in his blood

Um... Why? Why not his chest or something?

And now my uncle—

He had his gun still in his holster. My good hand picked it up. Before I could try anything, I felt a tugging pain at my scalp. Someone held me by my hair.

Period. Not dash. Get rid of the comma after anything.

“I'd drop that if I were you, young lady. You're coming with us.”

Woah! it's a girl??? Hm... Good suspenseful ending though!
Okay, well I WAS the first reviewer when I started this! Overall I like your story!!! It has a great plot and I look forward to reading more:)

Okay, let me warn you, I'm in a harsh mood.

I think I will just edit as I go and have some general notes at the end.

Audy wrote:
1016 words

The acrid scent of smoked flesh stung my nasal passagewaysthroat, invading my lungs. I coughed violently, flinging myself up with every heaving breath.I lurched, coughing the acrid taste from my lungs I felt the sensation (?) of its sound traveling through my ears more than I heard the sound itself. It was all a garbled, disjointed roar of noise growing which grew louder. I could not distinguish whether it came from inside of me, or out. My head was pounding. (Don't open successive sentences with I/me/my or any pronoun that derives from these. Unless it is deliberate, designed that way. Also try avoid using the same format for successive lines, use 'Object/verb/subject' and 'subject/verb/object.' If you use a series of short sentences. )

I saw the flashing of shadows from beneath my eyelids. I tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture (this is a bizarre way to express your narrators thirst(?)). I could feel my lips, shriveled up into strips of dry blisters. My own body was slicked with sweat, my limbs trembled.

I tried to force my eyesopen my eyes, only to realize(comma) with an eerie sense of disorientation(comma) that they were already opened. I saw nothing butDarkness. The first thing I thought,where am I? and reality snapsinto place. I'm alive.

And then out loud: “I'm alive!” My voice was raspy, like a jagged knife (what does this metaphor mean? think about it, what did you want to say? I can't find the disconnect because it seems so misplaced. Take care with barren imagery, it may sound nice but it's distracting.) to the surrounding emptiness.

Something stirredThis is cliche beside me. Not quite emptiness, I thought deliriously( this doesn't make sense, because if you are delirious you may not be coherent, nor will you have the prowess to acknowledge your delirium.. There was a crowd of people. I couldn't focus on the individual voices, they seemed so far awaydistant. My head was starting to get foggy(cliché). If I were to come to my senses I had to focus on something small. That much I knew.

I will stop there. I did read it through, though but I don't have time to grind through any more nitpicks and it is generally the same small errors hashing.

So the big things.
Character

There isn't much of this. It really is lacking, you need to talk more about fear. Make us care for this character and foreshadow/mention aspects that might reveal a little more character. You have a very desperate scene, show us this desperation. Really drive home the sweat, the pain, the quaking hands. The tears starting. The horror.

Plot

There was a good dose of plot here. You would do well to foreshadow the coming story. It's pretty grim but that's not enough, we need a little hope for something else. I did enjoy this a little, I was hoping that it would pick up a bit towards the end and I think you could really work on your closing line too.

Anyway I don't have much else to say, well done, PM with any questions if you want.

JP

Edit: I really did like this and I hope you keep it up, it felt like I was a little harsh.

Hola!

I haven't read the previous reviews so excuse me if I'm redundant. :]

First off, I wouldn't suggest putting the amount of words in the beginning. I've never seen anyone do that and it's a bit distracting, so if it's not really serving any bigger purpose, scrap it.

Your first line throws us into an action but it doesn't have much of a pull. The vocabulary was great and the scene it painted was delectably disgusting but I, personally, don't like being shoved right into a scene. I like, even if it's just one sentence, something that will hook me in and make me thoroughly interested in the story.

Audy wrote: flinging myself up with every heaving breath

That sounds extremely awkward. When I think of flinging, I see something going ridiculously high, without any control whatsoever. I don't think that's exactly what you're trying to say here. The sentence is good, just the word flinging feels out of place.

Audy wrote: only to realize with an eerie sense of disorientation that they were already opened.

I like this a lot.

Audy wrote:I tried moving them towards my face and almost gasped in fright. I couldn't see! Not a thing was visible in this darkness.

How is this surprising? You already said that the person couldn't see anything because she was in darkness. Did she have sudden amnesia?

Audy wrote:It can't be...

I dislike the ellipses. They seem unprofessional.

Very nice ending, makes me wanna rush to chapter 2. xD

~*~

Overall, I really liked this. You have beautiful imagery and vocabulary. I'm liking Fiel even though I can't quite tell Fiel's gender. xD I don't much like sci-fi but I truly enjoyed this and will definitely keep up with other chapters.

Sorry I wasn't more help. Maybe the next chapter I'll be?

Grade: A

~Jas