Young Writers Society

I know,
as you will come to know,
or might have already known,
the most profound word in all of language.
Its power manifests itself as twine,
tethering realities in latex globes of red
where images reflect on the surface
and depth is all captured
airs.

I see
as you see,
myself, yourself, identities.
A whirl of eyes connected in
monosyllabic
self.

I love
as you love,
tendrilous minds intimate of
the blazing need to be conjoined:
a memory mesh of
one.

To read
a single syllable, letter, word
is to become all that is me--
the place-marker for my story, my life,
and yours; connected as balloon to string.
I is the id,
that when used in the written art
becomes all of us
and we all become
air.

I think this is a very intersting peice. You used a great vocabulary, but i thought at points it drowned out the message of the poem. This line inparticular
"Its powers conjured as a string
to tether realities in latex globes of red
images reflected"
is quite confusing.
Great job with it though, and hope to read more

Heya!
It was you're title that really drew me in, I'm not sure why but the word I, is much more important then I had realized thank you for the insight! Though like someone said before me, I think maybe you should be more clear how you write something down, I'm sure in your head it all makes sense but some of the expressions you made I found hard to understand.
Love,
Evenslily x

Hai!

Okay so I like the poem you have here, but I think it might have been more interesting to present it as a guessing game. Like, because of your title and the way you phrased this, I knew by the end of the first stanza that the word was going to be 'I' and because of that, I found myself a little impatient to get through the rest to confirm my suspicions. Which is a shame because you had some good supporting lines and I didn't mean to rush through them, but some I didn't give proper thought to until my second read through.

I know,
as you will come to know,
or might have already known, <<< Maybe switch known and already around to known already, I think that would flow better.
the most profound word in all of language. <<< Getting a little prosey. Do you need 'in all of language'?
Its power manifests itself as twine,
tethering realities in latex globes of red <<< Don't be so quick to grab and drop an image! These first two while very visual could do with a little more substance, how do twine and latex link together and what do they have to do with 'I'?
where images reflect on the surface <<< I love this line, some beautiful implications there and I'd like to see more of its kind.
and depth is all captured
airs.

I see
as you see,
myself, yourself, identities. [color=blue]<<< Maybe a little too obvious?
A whirl of eyes connected in Love the pun on eyes!
monosyllabic
self.

I love
as you love,
tendrilous minds intimate of
the blazing need to be conjoined:
a memory mesh of
one. <<< Probably your weakest stanza. It doesn't add much to the poem or have interesting imagery.

To read
a single syllable, letter, word
is to become all that is me--
the place-marker for my story, my life,
and yours; connected as balloon to string.
I is the id, <<< I think you could have done more with this. Is I something that gains you admission to certain parts and not others? Is everyone's body callibrated with a different I, like some genetic matrix?
that when used in the written art
becomes all of us
and we all become
air.

Overall

Okay so I'm not sure about your ending, it felt a little too much like you were trying to link the poem back to that first stanza but it felt forced. So I'd suggest you think of something stronger. Maybe a more definate statement about I. Also, it might have been cool to include somewhere something to do with the origin of the word and since you called it the most profound, a comparrisson to others. Why is it more profound?

I liked this in general but felt there was more that could have been done with it and there wasn't enough drive or purpose behind it for me to take much away. I won't wake up tomorrow and think about this. It won't come to mind when someone next says the word 'I'. But it does have the potential, it just needs more lure and firmer images. It needs to translate I into something that can be visualised but at the same time has a thousand faces.

Annnd maybe I've given you an idea or two or at least a few things to think about. Well drop me a pm if you have any questions,

Heather xxx

So.

This wasn't a bad poem. There were a few powerful lines, a few interesting pieces of imagery, some sense of a moral conclusion.

However, I'll admit that this wasn't the most intriguing poem I've ever read. You seemed to be rambling more than anything, tossing together little bits of imagery and emotion that as far as I could tell weren't especially relevant to the topic.

Perhaps, before we attempt to solve this, we should ask ourselves what, exactly, the topic is. Is it unity? Is it individuality? Frankly, I can't tell.

One of the reasons, I think, that this came across as so aimless was that half the time you were more or less simply telling us the definition or sound of the word "I," albeit in fancier wording. The reader already knows this. They already know it's

monosyllabic

or one syllable or is the manifestation of you or whatever else you said. Poetry is the communication of new ideas, not old ones. You keep trying to tell us what "I" is; don't. Tell us the story of "I," the elegance of "I," the contour of "I." Definitions and petty descriptions will lose the reader every time.

So you see, this poem was lacking in purpose. The reader, after making it through, does not walk away reveling in any inspirational or insightful new concept. You say that "I" is a link between language and life - you say it many times, in fact - but what then? You elaborate on a single idea for three stanzas, but do not accord any purpose (there's that word again) to it, only describe again it in different words.

Once again, this wasn't a terrible poem. But it lacked the drive to make it anything more than that. With this thought in mind, I bid you good editing/writing. Hope my critiques prove useful.

-Kafka