Young Writers Society

she is rolled and mound from
tanned clay. the limbs, twigs drunk
and sun scorched, fresh from spruce
saplings where she was picked and placed
here: shapely, ripe. i smell syrup across
the apartment room, salivate, between
(only five feet,
olfactory gnawing
like tics on peach silk)
the cheap vinyl mat laid as
her table, it is like a baby's first blanket,
we are almost sanctimonious as
we manger on crouton topics that crunch with
undulations in centrifugal conversation tied
in the hip to the ceiling fan; a greased pig
squeals lapping at sweaty liquorice strands
dangling from her head, but with a shiver
they are raven's feathers; she sighs with a yawn
(my stomach squeals again).
a stray draft of wind
sheens the matte coat of her skin where
i fade in with the upholstery, the walls, the carpet;
the crops she tills, simmering in skillet turn
beige, vanilla, then brown as caramel,
spun and spooned like her hands are a potters
in a distant clay mound village, hands cradling precious crafts
too soft, too brittle, progeny reluctantly sold to
fill a black-hole; i wonder if she is thinking
of Islamabad.

Great! I loved how much you described everything. It really makes the little details seem bigger and more realistic. Keep up the good work.

By reading this at first glance, I'm not even sure if this is a poem or just someone narrating or describing her fantasies. There was some capitalization errors with the 'I' and I think the first letter of every line should be capitalized. The poem felt a little bit rushed for me, It would have been better if it was divided to give the reader a breather. It's not easy to take in all that message at once. So in order to make this more appealing, I think this poem needs to be revised and reconstructed. But It's just my opinion. Excellent grammar by the way. Keep writing

Love this poem but don't have the time to go into depth so I'm just making you aware of a few errors.

we manger on crouton topics that crunch with

Not a verb.

spun and spooned like her hands are a potters

Either this should be singular or given a possessive apostrophe. Or you could axe the "a" and make it, "like her hands are potters"

One other nitpick: I didn't like the repetition of "squeels" as seen here.

squeals lapping at sweaty liquorice strands
dangling from her head, but with a shiver
they are raven's feathers; she sighs with a yawn
(my stomach squeals again).

Sorry this review is so superficial. I'll write a lot more on other aspects next time I give you a review. =)