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Winterland.



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Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:23 pm
Jas says...



Spoiler! :
This is the second version of a short story I wrote a couple of months ago. I edited it a lot and need the harshest, most honest criticism I can get because I'm entering it into a contest and it needs to be as good as possible. Thank you so much.



Pain was hidden in the palms of his hands. It seeped out, dripping onto her skin every time she said something wrong. Novas exploded wherever his fingers touched, but she took herself to another place where his hands could not curl into fists and his words weren't jagged. She allowed herself to disassociate, to become someone else for a while, until the novas burned themselves out and nothing but embers were left. When the volcano finished erupting, she would clean herself of the burning lava it left behind. She would pick up the table that was knocked over, limp to the kitchen and get the broom to clean the shattered glass on the floor. Sometimes, afterwards, she would trace flowers with her fingertips onto her stained skin, letting the roses bloom after the bruises did.


He raised his hand and she flinched back, already bowing her head, already taking the blame. His fist knocked out a porcelain tooth and she tasted metal in her mouth. She didn't even remember what she had done; maybe he hadn't liked the way dinner was arranged on the table or perhaps the coffee was too sweet. It didn't matter though, those were just excuses.


She had her excuses too, pulling them out of a magician's hat whenever that little rational voice in her head opened its big mouth. Why are you with him? Why don't you leave? Fear seizes up in her at the thought of leaving and she spits back lies, He doesn't mean it. He promised it wouldn't happen again. He loves me. She is Alice in Winterland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, losing bits and pieces of herself on the way.


She knew when to worry, when to go to the bedroom and put on a large, thick sweater to soften the blows. Either he'd come in late, smelling of liquor, his eyes ugly, blood-shot red or he'd come too early, his face blank as he held the credit card bill or the crumpled "Does he hit you?" pamphlet her doctor gave her after seeing all the art he painted on her body. He would look at her with those eyes and wait a couple of seconds, only a couple of seconds, tick-tock-tick, before his face twisted into a grimace and his hands became claws.


He had reasons, words and lists that would justify his actions in his mind, after he slammed the door shut and sat on the porch stairs, his heart still accelerated, his head still pounding. The sky was dark but he wasn't alone, a laughing couple walked down the sidewalk, hands interlaced; an elderly woman crossing the street, her cane tap-tapping on the ground and of course, his millions of thoughts, his devil and angel, tearing each other apart in anger.


Whenever he hit her, it wasn't him, he reasoned, it was some other version, some alter ego, who became angry at the smallest things, who couldn't cope with his fury and channeled it into his hands against her. It was like a high and whenever he came down, his anger restarted at zero and every swallow would bring a fresh wave of guilt, like eating acid candy. Then the dial goes up and up and up, until finally he explodes, finally gets his next hit, finally gets to that high and the colors on her body that had just begun to fade, become vivid and alive and proof.


He would stand, the stairs creaking under him as he stepped back inside and viewed the damage his alter ego had done. The pieces of a broken plate were hiding under the table, water and something else, something red was spilled onto the floor. He would grit his teeth and walk to the living room, where books were strewn across the sofa, her cellphone broken after he had thrown it against the wall. Finally, the bedroom, where he sat, forcing himself to listen to her soft sobs, the only thing in the world that could make him cry.


She wasn't always so fragile, so delicate. At one point, maybe when it first started, she would yell, hit back, push him against the wall and let her bunny-rabbit paws thump against his chest. His face would redden, his mind blank, other than one line repeating and repeating and repeating: hurt her. He would reach that high and the house would shake with their screams. Once, he slapped her hard on the face and she fell to the floor, her cool fingers pressed against her cheek, warm with pain. She stood and watched stars burst in her eyes, stumbled like a drunk, before she grabbed her favorite porcelain vase and threw it at his head. A crash, then a thud and shattered glass sang from the floor. Blood dyed his hair a dark red and his eyes closed, once, twice, before staying shut. She screamed, the loudest of that night, and ran to the kitchen, filling a bowl of water, before rushing back and pouring it on his face. Her heart was electrically fast, thumping in her chest, a pulse beat that he might not have. Slowly though, he woke and the look on his face, like he was a child, like he needed her, was enough to make her stay.


As she lay down later on, after the worst of the earthquake was done, she shivers even with the heaviest of blankets covering her. She whimpers as she pressed cloths damp with alcohol onto her bleeding skin, trying her best to deal with the aftershocks.


He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite vase; you could glue it back together, but it was hard not to notice the cracks.


He was a fire-breathing dragon, blind with rage and she, a peasant girl lost in the forest. She hid in the briar bush, waiting for him to hibernate for Summer. It's a shame that in his world, Winter never ends.


Spoiler! :
I don't know if I should make Winterland specifically about "her" and write another part to the story maybe called Summerland or something about his point of view, instead of incorporating both into this one part. Your thoughts perhaps?
Last edited by Jas on Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:31 pm
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shadowraiki says...



You wanted a harsh response, but I'm afraid that's beyond me. I'm just too nice. But all joking aside, here is what I thought about your piece. It holds my honest opinion. I'll put the good up here so you will unwillingly see it before seeing the Delta's I suggested.

It was an an amazing piece about abuse. I wrote a piece about abuse last year and it has nothing on this. Your use of litterary devices is top notch. I'm surprised I even noticed them since I'm not one to care about them, which is a lot meaning they were powerful. You don't sugar coat the truth or anything. You portray everything as it is: why people stay, why people won't leave, and how people cope with their life. This feels like it actually was someone's story.

Spoiler! :
Pain was hidden in the palms of his hands. It seeped out, dripping onto her skin every time she said something wrong. Novas exploded in her head whenever he started, but she took herself to another place where his hands could not curl into fists and his words weren't jagged. She allowed herself to disassociate, to become someone else for a while, until the novas burned themselves out and nothing but embers were left. When the volcano finished erupting, she would clean herself of the vivid red lava it left behind. She would pick up the table that was knocked over, limp to the kitchen and get the broom to clean the shattered glass on the floor. Sometimes, afterwards, she would trace flowers with her fingertips onto her stained skin, letting the roses bloom after the bruises did.

I did not understand the first paragraph. That is as blunt as I can be. I did not understand what is being described except for novas (as in the stars) and volcanoes (as in the mountains that spew smoke and lava). After reading it about five times, I finally understood. The nova was a metaphor for the explosive amount of pain, the volcano was her husband, and the lava was blood. There is a point you have to draw when you are using too many litterary devices and too few. Some may disagree with me, but when it gets to the point where someone has to read it too many times, people will be turned away. Especially if it is the first paragraph. My suggestion here is to decide on what is essential and then use the rest of the litterary devices that you took out at a later section.

He raised his hand and she flinched back, already bowing her head and already taking the blame. His fist knocked out a porcelain tooth and she tasted metal in her mouth. She didn't even remember what she had done; maybe he hadn't liked the way dinner was arranged on the table or perhaps the coffee was too sweet. It didn't matter though, those were just excuses.

Flinching generally implies "back" already. It may be un-needed. Also, isn't porcelain like ceramic? So why would she taste metal? Did he use a pair of pliers to rip out her tooth? There is some unclarity here. Or could you be trying to refer metal as in iron as in blood? It's a very thin line I am threading there. Or am I thinking too much?

She had her excuses too, pulling them out of a magician's hat whenever that little rational voice in her head opened its big mouth. Why are you with him? Why don't you leave? Fear seizes up in her at the thought of leaving and she spits back lies at the voice: He doesn't mean it. He promised it wouldn't happen again. He loves me. She is Alice in Winterland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, losing bits and pieces of herself on the way.

It would be best to split the MC and her mind into two seperate characters to avoid conflict. I changed she to it. After the series of questions, the tense changes from past to present. Is that on purpose? If not, you may want to check that out. Spits back lies sounds a little funny, even after I tried saying "at the voice". Read it yourself and see if you agree with me on that.

She knew when to worry and when to go to the bedroom and put on a large, thick sweater to soften the blows. Either he'd come in late, smelling of liquor, his eyes ugly, blood-shot red or he'd come too early, his face blank as if he held the credit card bill or the crumpled "Does he hit you?" pamphlet her doctor gave her after seeing all the art he painted on her body. He would look at her with those eyes and wait a couple of seconds, only a couple of seconds, tick-tock-tick, before his face twisted into a grimace and his hands became claws.

You only have two 'whens' in the first part so an and is better than a comma. You may want to add a result as of the worry like you did for when Alice goes into the bedroom to put on a sweater. For example, she knew when to worry and hide and... it seems a bit unnatural with all the 'ands' but it works. You use either twice in the next sentene so I removed the second one. Think about cutting off the pamphlet her doctor... part into a second sentence. It seems a tad bit too long. I must mention that I love your emphasis on time here. I personally use three 'ticks', but more people will recognize the tick-tock-tick.

When she lay down later, after the worst of the earthquake was done, she would shiver even with the heaviest of blankets covering her. She whimpered as she pressed cloths damp with alcohol onto her bleeding skin, trying her best to deal with the aftershocks.

I like the comparison of his out bursts to natural disasters. Nova, volcano, earthquake. It may seem like you're not using enough variety to some people. Just a heads up. This mini-paragraph is also one sentence. I split it into two, see how you like it.

She wasn't always so fragile, so delicate. At one point, maybe when it first started, she would yell at him, hit back, push him against the wall and let her bunny-rabbit paws thump against his chest. He would get angrier and the house would shake with their screams. Once, he slapped her hard on the face and she fell to the floor. Her cool fingers pressed against her cheek, warm with pain. Stars burst in her eyes, yet she managed to stand. She stumbled around like a drunk, before she grabbed her favorite porcelain vase and threw it at his head. A crash, then a thud and shattered glass sang from the floor. Blood dyed his hair a dark red and his eyes closed, once, twice, before staying shut. She screamed, the loudest one of that night, and ran to the kitchen, filling a bowl of water, before rushing back and pouring it on his face. Her heart was electrically fast, thumping in her chest, a pulse beat that he might not have. Slowly though, he woke up and the look on his face, like that of a child, like he needed her, was enough to make her stay.

You used back twice, 'yell back' and 'hit back'. I changed the first one to 'at him', though then realized that you used 'push him' as a third option. Angrier doesn't sound right. I'm not sure if it's more angry or angrier. I would simply just use a stronger word such as 'became infuriated'. I split the next sentence into two again and switched some of the word order on the next one. The short parts that I bolded add a lot of emphasis. You may want to add some transition words though such as, "There was a crash, then a thud, then the shattering of glass sang from the floor". It makes a little more sense, but I see what style you're going for. 'Electrically fast' also doesn't mean much to me. At first I just think of a wheel spinning around. It's the word fast that forces me to think 'fast'. At the very end, I changed the "like he was" to "that of". It sounds a little better in my opinion, but disrupts the double, "like he..." style that you had gone with, it takes away from the emphasis of how much he wanted her to stay. You'll have to make a decision here.

He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite vase; you could glue it back together, but it was hard not to notice the cracks.

Just like the first paragraph, this one made little sense to me. Does the first line mean he left her and married someone else? Or did he just realize his mistakes and actually begin loving her? But then the next line says, "he stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with" meaning either A) he simply didn't love her any more and left her. B) Stopped cheating on her. or C) stayed with her, but no longer saw her as a person he had once loced. I'm going to go with C since the story about Alice almost killing him was almost like a flashback. Love the last line though. I'm going to remember that forever.

He was a fire-breathing dragon, blind with rage and she, a peasant girl lost in the forest. She hid in the briar bush, waiting for him to hibernate for Summer. It's a shame that in his world, Winter never ends.

Suddenly we go from an urban setting of domestic violence to a medival setting. It just doesn't fit. While I like what you were trying to do, perhaps you could change the wording to reflect more accurately what your story was just about. For example, instead of a peasant girl, you could say a girl lost in poverty. Unless I pictured the entire story in the wrong setting and it actually is some medical fantasy world, then dis-regard this last part. I apologize for the confusion if so.
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?

I step away from the grammar to review the story.

I don't do poetry.
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 7:39 pm
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GraceMatthews says...



Can I just say that I loved this. It was emotionally engaging and intriging.
Some critique:
In the first paragraph, you say "vivid red lava". I think you should use a different adjective for this. When I think of lava, I automatically assume that it's vivid red and I think you could use that oppurtunity for a different adjctive, like searing, emphasizing the heat and pain of lava?

She is Alice in Winterland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, losing bits and pieces of herself on the way.

I love this so much. The imagery and metaphors that you use in this story are so in-depth and expressive. You have a really beautiful grasp on words.

He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite vase; you could glue it back together, but it was hard not to notice the cracks.

I wasn't sure what you were trying to say in here. Did he stop seeing her for a long time after that, and then they got back together? If so, I think you should clarify.

The last paragraph wrap up everything very nicely and makes the whole idea and title come together.
The characters! Oh my, the characters! They're both sympathetic, even the man. I get the feeling that even though she is the one who gets hurt most of all, he's also caught in the cycle of abuse. The characters are so realistic. I love the idea that they are unnamed. It makes it much easier to slip into their heads and become them.
I think you should be aware that not everyone would like that it has no dialogue. Some people are very specific and want that. I don't think you should add dialogue, though. I think it would take away from the beauty of the story. I just think you should be aware of that.
You're very talented and I loved this story. Good luck with the contest! Hope I helped.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:06 am
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HostofHorus says...



Hey Jasmine! Thanks for yet another request, I'm always happy to help out.

First I'll give you all of my corrections, then I'll say some things. I'm mostly a grammar and overall story nazi, I don't focus on many of the other little details. So here you are.

Sometimes, afterwards, she would trace
You can lose that comma, the one after it makes up for it. Having that one makes it excessive.

the roses bloom after the bruises died.
That was my guess, if that isn't what you meant, then I was just confused. That said, if you do mean to used died, bloom needs to be changed to bloomed

maybe he hadn't liked the way dinner was arranged on the table, or perhaps the coffee was
I think the comma is needed here.

Either he'd come in late, smelling of liquor, his eyes ugly, blood-shot red or he'd come too early, his face blank as he held the credit card bill or the crumpled "Does he hit you?" pamphlet her doctor gave her after seeing all the art he painted on her body.
Big run on, try to break it up please.

He had reasons, words and lists that would justify his actions in his mind, after he slammed the door shut and sat on the porch stairs, his heart still accelerateding, his head still pounding.
A little bit of a run on, and you mixed the tenses.

The sky was dark but he wasn't alone, a laughing couple was walkeding down the sidewalk, hands interlaced; an elderly woman crossing the street, her cane tap-tapping on the ground and of course, his millions of thoughts, his devil and angel, tearing each other apart in anger.
Again a tense problem. I also think you could break the last part up a little to make it easier on the reader.

Finally, the bedroom, where he sat, forcing himself to listen to her soft sobs, the only thing in the world that could make him cry.
Lose the commas.

As she lay down later on, after the worst of the earthquake was done, she shivers even with the heaviest of blankets covering her. She whimpers as she pressed cloths damp with alcohol onto her bleeding skin, trying her best to deal with the aftershocks.
Again, just a tense problem. Just need to pick one and go through the entire piece to make sure it is all consistent.

Overall: Very good imagery, and you made it interesting to me, which honestly with this kind of thing is a bit hard. I believe the reason for that is the emotion you had in it, readers can really feel what you put into it, and that is a very good trait to have. As far as problems go, it was really only tense selection, and run-ons. One thing to remember with run-ons, is that if you have the opportunity to break up a sentence, take it. It doesn't take anything away from the story, and it makes it easier on the reader. Here is an example where you could have easily broken it up, and it would have had no negative impact.
The pieces of a broken plate were hiding under the table, (change to period.) Water and something else, something red was spilled onto the floor.

I actually think that also makes it more suspenseful, adding a little more, maybe unnoticed, excitement. As far as tense problems go, as I said above, you just need to pick one from the start and remember to stick with it. When editing, that should be something you check during one of the times that you read through it. Good job, and thanks again for requesting my services. It was a nice read. Keep it up!

~HostofHorus
HostofHorus Author, Poet, Dreamer, and Expressionist.
http://JRSStories.com
Stories Poems © As of January 1st 2014

Need a review? Feel free to ask me! :)
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:36 pm
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Master_Yoda says...



Here's your requested review:

You remind me very much of myself a while back, Jasmine. I wrote a piece entitled Abuse that I still have somewhere on this website. *goes to find it*. Ah, here it is: viewtopic.php?t=42570

I think I received the most positive reviews for that piece of writing out of anything I have ever published in my time here. Still, in hindsight, I believe it was perhaps the worst story that I have ever told. Ever. Even with its allegorical nature.

The reason for this is simple. What makes a good emotional story is character interaction, not one that cries sympathy.

You can have all the imagery you want and all the cliched story telling you want, and a character truer than life itself, and you can still be left with bad story. You have all of that. You're missing a story.

If you want your readers to emerge wanting more, you need to give them something they haven't seen before. Merely preying on your reader's emotions is not enough. Anyone can do that.

So what sets your story apart from all those about abuse? You will usually find the answer in character interaction. With your own fresh characters you can tell this story. Add in a friend who tries to kill the abuser. Add in her running away and his response. You need to up the ante if you want me interested. And at the beginning of the story too. You don't want people like me who have read the prose of Ursula Le Guin, Steven Erickson, George Orwell, F Scott Fitzgerald, and Khaled Husseini, none of whom you can compete with yet, interested.

Hope this helped!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

I review your reviews: viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94522
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 6:18 am
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PenguinAttack says...



Hi Jasmine!

I’m afraid I can’t say I enjoyed your piece very much. Not just because your chosen topic is one which is difficult and uncomfortable by nature. Keep in mind that I’ve chosen not to read your other comments, so as not to change what I’m saying partway through.

Characterisation: For both characters, we know nothing about them other then their anger, and their situation. There aren’t even slight references to colours or sounds or smells to give us more of a sense of them. So what we’re left with is a case of domestic abuse (which is horrifying, and where you get all of the interest and real emotion) which has no connection to the reader at all. We’re distanced from the scene, and while I know your characters are doing this themselves, we need more as the reader. We’re not just disconnected from the event, we’re disconnected from the characters and that means we don’t care about them. Not caring about characters means we lose interest in them, and their plight.

I suggest that you give us less introspection and more of the situation. You amble in this piece, we move slowly to the point, even though it’s clear from very early on (first and second lines) what’s going on. Throw us bodily into it, give us the hard crunch of his fist against her cheekbone, how the thick edge of his ring slices below her eye, and she says – she says to the ones who still bother asking – that she cut herself on the side of the bathroom cabinet. How she laughs with the increasing pitch of the hysterical. I want some meaty show-not-tell business to really drag me into their lives, and their heartache.

This is really how I feel you could improve on this piece, by giving your reader something to connect them to the people and the situation in a more personal way. Show us what’s going on rather than telling us through their heads.

I do look forward to any changes you make to this.
- Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
  





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Sat Aug 06, 2011 10:42 am
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MiaParamore says...



Hey Jass! Mia here to review yah, and I hope that I can be of some help.

I have read this before, and I have a brief idea of what is going to come but on the other hand my reviewing skills have rusted up since I haven't reviewed much lately, so pardon me if I confuse/anger you.

Alright, I remember from the last review that I had given you a big lecture on how to invite your readers into reading, and how to not bore them away. I had not liked the beginning merely because it looked over-loaded. In this version too it's not a very straight start, which is your choice entirely but I feel strongly that you could have another attractive line to get our attention and then fire your imagery. But it's not that bad, I'd like to conclude so it's now your wish entirely.

Before I brag on other points, I'd like to point out that for all the paragraphs from 2nd to 5th you have the beginning with a pronoun, i.e. he or she. It could be a deliberate thing or you might have just missed it out. Anyways, I won't say too much about it since I have a feeling that you did this on purpose. :)


She whimpers as she presses cloths damp with alcohol onto her bleeding skin, trying her best to deal with the aftershocks.



So, wow, this was nice. Much much better than what I had read earlier mostly because you had more stuff into it, which made it a story and partly because I got the gist of this story fully now. Your style of writing was really different and which is also one of the reasons I was glued to this story. Generally, I am fully against Show vs. Tell thing and loathe reading something in Tell mood, but this was different and had I not known what the Tell concept is, maybe I'd have never even noticed this about the piece. The flow was smooth, and I didn't find any grammar mistakes, which is not unusual for your writing. :)

Despite this being a kind of memoir, I liked the 'story' in itself. I have read many stories on domestic violence and never have they been so fresh and different. Although this didn't have a story, but mostly thoughts and feelings, I was still somehow glued to it.

Your metaphors, imageries everything was apt and in this version I never felt that you were over-doing anything, while in the last version everything seemed to be present with loads of cherries on tops which only made the piece messy. But here you've got good hold of description, feelings and the art of narration into your hands, that it is not feeling like a strain to read it.


However, I do have one complaint from you on this piece. In the earlier version you had very well talked about and explained how the concept of 'Winterland' was applicable to this piece and this story. But now only you have got a single line in the end, which I strongly believe is not enough to express your concept. You did have a mention of Alice in Wonderland, but I think that was all about it. We need more, something more to crisp the plot, to get the feeling instilled in reader's about the beautiful concept you have got in your mind. I'd personally like to see more.

As for writing another part to it called 'Summerland' with the boy's POV is not such a good idea, for me. Mainly because Summerland doesn't give much feeling, and even though it might seem that this girl is facing all the brutalities, it is not the full truth. He is too under a great turmoil as you yourself explained because when he hits her, he doesn't know himself. It's like another 'he' who is unbridled and is too dangerous for the person he loves the most. So, it's like split personality for him, which I am sure is no 'Summerland' for anyone.


Overall:

This piece has got huge potential, and I'd love if you would write more to it and elaborate into a novella or sort of thing because I love such stories. It would be amazing to see how she cures him with her love, or how she maybe retaliates find herself again and moves on with her life. Whatever you'd do would look and read nice, I know that for sure. But if you want to keep it to a short story, that's your choice too.

You've beautifully portrayed all the feelings one could feel, and the piece does look well thought of. It's systematic and I am wondering why you haven't got more likes.

I think this piece is good enough and if you make Summerland, it won't be quite that impressive and accurate. Also, you need to elaborate on the point of this being related to Winterland.



I am not sure how much this review helped you, but that's all I had to say. I might have spoken in a muddled way so pardon me for that.



Best of luck for the contest and let me know if I could help you with anything else. :)

Ciao,
Mia
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Thu Aug 18, 2011 11:21 pm
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Charlie II says...



An interesting piece, jasminebells. You've clearly got a good grasp of writing. Now it's all about perfecting and honing your craft.

1. Imagery

Imagery is all about taste. The problem with writing a competition piece is that, for obvious reasons, your writing tends to change to become more "competition worthy". And that is not so good.

When I read your first paragraph, I see the words of a writer who is trying to impress a judge. That's not a bad thing -- clearly you've gotta stand out -- but it seems like you've got a little bit overboard on the imagery front: we've got "novas" and "volacanos" and "some seeping-dripping substance" that are all representing anger/pain. To my eyes, at least, it's too much.

You can get the best results from fewer, more powerful extended metaphors that don't give the reader whiplash from the number of different ways you describe something. I really do think you've got a beautiful way with words, but remember that sometimes less is more. If you can achieve the same effect with less surplus then you're writing well!

Also, try not to feel the pressure of the competition. You can just write. Don't worry about fulfilling criteria -- you'll only dilute your "awegreat" as you end up trying to hard.

2. Depth of Character

As a couple of the other reviewers has said, the spark of life in most fiction is, of course, the characters. If you can make them real enough, and not just classic abusive stereotypes, then your writing will really hit home to your readers. We've all heard anecdotes or passing comments about abusive relationships -- see if you can slip some more of that into your characters.

Give the characters an explanation -- not told, but shown through their actions. Build it up, but don't tell your reader so it's something that makes them sigh and say, "Oh..." when they work it out. Just like what you did with the woman's "little voice" that made excuses for her. That was powerful -- try to find more of the same.

  • Perhaps the man has recently been made redundant. Perhaps he was better when he was still able to earn a decent wage and support his wife. But now she has to work extra shifts while he searches for jobs, and he hates himself for that, and in turn he hates her.
  • Perhaps they can't have a baby. Not for lack of trying, of course. She blames herself and gets depressed and there's just no way he can get through to her. He blames himself. They keep trying, but all it's doing is making the problem worse. They're stuck together, hating themselves and their situation and finally each other. But they can't give in now, not after all these tears and trying. And so the love turns to hatred and spirals on.
There are just two examples, but you get the idea.

3. "Winterland"

You know, when this first came up, I thought there was gonna be something really clever that linked it to Wonderland -- especially with the explicit "Alice in Wonderland" reference. But apparently not! I'll tell you why I'm disappointed.

Winterland/Wonderland:

  • You talk about (red) roses in the opening paragraph.
  • Later, her "her bunny-rabbit paws thump against his chest" -- White Rabbit bunny paws perhaps?
  • She notices the "tick-tock-tick" of the clock -- not a pocket watch, but time is important.
  • The madness of the husband -- I half expected him to return to his hat making at the end of the story!
I think that leaves a real opportunity for you to add to and strengthen this link. If you like, of course -- it just struck me as something cool that had the potential for development.

Overall

Don't forget, you've got a great piece written down and even redrafted once already! More thought and more imagination around this can only make it stronger. I hope you do well in the competition, because you deserve to -- if you keep some of my advice in mind then (I hope!) it'll help you to improve this piece even more!


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  








You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote