Young Writers Society

I stood in front of my bedroom mirror and stared at a girl I did not recognize. The strange creature touched her fingers to her rosy cheeks and bright red lips. The lips were stunning on her. They stood out from her ashen complexion, giving her the impression of fierceness. Her icy blue eyes were striking under her long lashes that had been darkened by mascara. She stared back at me with the same curiosity that sprinkled my own features.
As I ran my fingers down the silk of my teal gown, hers did the same, echoing my actions. I refused to admit that this girl was me; she was too stunning… too perfect. I sighed and turned away from my mirror. I looked perfect, and my mother would expect nothing less.
There was a knock at my door.
"Come in," I called as I shifted through my jewelry box for a pair of earrings to match my dress.
Agatha Trimble, my housekeeper, walked through the door in a rush. In her hand she carried a small box.
"Miss. White, your mother has asked me to give this to you."
"My name is Violet, Agatha. No need to be formal," I reminded her. It was probably the fifth time that day.
"Sorry, Miss. Violet," Agatha said sheepishly, placing the box on my dresser beside my jewelry box.
"What's in the box?" I asked as I put on a pair of diamond earrings.
Agatha smiled. "I'm not sure, I wasn't allowed to look."
My mother could be a real witch sometimes. Actually, cross that out. My mother could be a real witch all the time.
"Let's have a look, shall we?" I said playfully and lifted the lid of the box. Agatha gasped as I revealed a silver necklace. It was a simple design, a silver chain with a dangling heart made of diamonds. Simple, but expensive.
"It's very pretty," Agatha remarked.
"It is, isn't it?" I said quietly. "Would you help me to put it on?"
"Of course, Miss. White," Agatha said quickly.
"It's Violet.” Make that six times today.
After Agatha helped me to put the necklace on, and after we had admired it once more, she left to finish her evening chores. I took one last glance in the mirror, and then went downstairs to see my mother before the dinner.
I checked the living room first, but it was empty. "Mother!" I called and headed towards the kitchen.
She was running around amongst the chefs and waiters. "This needs more salt! You call yourself a cook?" she was shouting.
"Mother."
"Oh, Violet! There you are, I need to speak with you right away. Meet me in the living room, please," she said shortly, and turned back to the cooks.
I sighed, but went back to the living room and took a seat on the sofa. The living room was quiet and calm compared to the rush of the kitchen. It was nice. I tapped my toes on the hardwood tile as I waited.
After a couple of minutes, my mother rushed into the room. She was wearing a business suit and high heels that rang against the floor as she walked.
"Alright," she said hurriedly, like she had somewhere better to be. "This evening is very important for my business, and I need you be on your best behaviour. Is that clear?"
I didn't answer her at first; I was too busy clenching my teeth to keep from shouting. There were so many things I would like to say to her.
"So in other words perfect?" I confirmed, furrowing my brows.
My mother smiled, “Good, I’m glad we understand each other. I will see you at dinner.” She got up from the couch and left as quickly as she had come. Understand each other, what a joke. I don’t think I would ever understand that woman.
I looked at the clock that hung across the room. It was 5:30. I had half an hour until I had to be in the dining room, so I decided to spend it helping Agatha finish her chores.
I found Agatha standing outside on a stool, washing the top of my mother’s new car. She was quietly humming to herself. It reminded me of one of the seven dwarves in Snow White.
"Can I help you?" I asked her, picking up a sponge from a bucket of soapy water.
She jumped at the sound of my voice, nearly falling off the stool. "Oh, yes, Mis- Violet, yes of course," she stuttered. I was afraid I had given her a heart attack, until she faintly smiled and added, "I haven't washed the front of the car, if you'd like to get started on that."
I shook the sponge in the bucket and rung it out a couple times to clean it. Washing the car helped to take my mind off my infuriating mother. The time passed quickly, and I hadn't yet finished the car when my mother came rushing out of the house. She had changed into a long, black dress and had pulled her hair into a bun that rested high on her head.
"Violet! Our guests are going to be here any minute, and you're playing with the maid? Get inside."
Irritation crawled up my spine. She could be such a prude when she wanted to be. "Of course, mother," I said, like the proper daughter I was. I dropped the sponge back into the bucket as I walked by, splashing some water onto the bottom of my dress. Luckily, my mother had already retreated inside and hadn't seen.
The dinner started out like any other dinner my mother had hosted. All the adults spoke in polite, proper voices to one another, making small talk, and ignoring me completely. I don't know why my mother always wanted me there. Probably to show what a good job she had done raising me as a single mom. I scoffed at the thought.
"Did you have something to add, Violet?" my mother asked, turning to me.
"Oh, no sorry, I was just thinking of how delicious this dinner is," I lied, and for good measure, I took a bite of my lamb. Lamb, potatoes, and fresh salad. I'd had worse dinners.
"Yes, it really is scrumptious," my mother's boss said, patting his stomach to emphasize it. Scrumptious. Who even says that anymore? As good a job as my mother did at irritating the hell out of me, these people took the cake.
"Violet, have you decided what college you'd like to attend?" the boss's wife asked politely.
"N-"
"She'd love to go to Harvard," my mother said, cutting me off.
"Oh, Harvard," the woman said, smiling shyly, "That's a lovely school."
"Yes," I muttered, "I guess I think so, too."
My mother flashed me an angry look, but I ignored it.
They went back to talking amongst themselves while I picked at my potatoes. I'd lost my appetite.
"Oh, Violet, you got your dress dirty," my mother said lightly, laughing. Had we been alone, she would have yelled. But not in front of our guests, no, of course not.
"I guess I'm not looking very perfect anymore, am I?" I said, gritting my teeth.
Although I had momentarily forgotten about our guests, my mother had not. "Who says you had to look perfect?" she said, laughing flakily.
"You, of course. Who else pushes me to look like a frickin' doll all the time?" My voice was raising, annoyance bubbled inside of me, threatening to spill over into full-blown anger.
"Violet, that's enough."
That's when I snapped. "Yes, that's enough of your damn comments!" I yelled, standing up. The guests looked at me curiously.
"Sit down," my mother ordered.
Instead, I did something that no one could have seen coming. I scooped a handful of potatoes from the bowl in the center of the table and smeared them across my dress. "And I hate this God-damned dress!"

This story blew me away. It was superb in so many ways. In particular, I smiled and chuckled to myself whenever Violet let out one of her perfectly-timed, biting comments. You were able to quickly establish a character that I could identify with and care about, as well as a character who I could see and feel as a hinderance to the protagonist.

My only comment might be where you say,

Agatha had been my housekeeper since I was a baby, she had been always been like the mother I'd never had. She’d been to almost all of my school plays, where my mother had been to one. It was something I never failed to appreciate.

You have established that Violet is grateful and caring towards her maid, but you only give one example. My suggestion would be to either give several examples, or just further explain in general how much involvement Violet's maid has had in her life.

Regardless, this was a fantastic piece and I'd love to see more from you! Thanks for sharing!

Oooh, I very much liked this! Two little things, though.

Agatha was a short person, she couldn't have been more than 5 feet tall, and she had to use a stool to reach the top of the car.

Run-on. I believe you should just put a period after "person" and start another sentence from there.

Agatha had been my housekeeper since I was a baby, she had been always been like the mother I'd never had.

Same issue here. Easy fix!

Anyway, lovely piece! I'm intrigued as to how her mother will react to all this. Violet is definitely a compelling character, and she has a strong voice. Perfect closing line, by the way! I wish I had more to add, but this was just such an enjoyable read.

Hey Confetti,

Time for the review.

I have very mixed feelings about your piece. Your word choice is on the whole very appropriate and your story is very readable. You do have a horrible habit of feeding us information that is completely unnecessary, and does not enhance character or the story itself. With a little bit of care this can easily be avoided, however. Some examples of this habit are:

leaning against one of the counters near the fridge.

This adds nothing to the story.

She’d been to almost all of my school plays, where my mother had been to one. It was something I never failed to appreciate.

This is one of the examples that more information means less. Why? Simply because you blunt the impact of comparing her to a mother by limiting it to school plays.

The driveway was coated in a layer of soapy water.

Once again unnecessary.

Also any dialogue tag other than a simple said followed by no adverb or contextualization should be used unless it is really necessary. The dialogue itself should be, and very often in your story is, enough to convey the tone. Remember, the more you write the less you say.

Your narrator also repeats stuff about how irritating her mother is. This makes it sound less like a story and more like a rant. That's bad.

Your story itself allegorically is strong. There is tension that represents struggle to gain individuality and I really like that. At the same time, you have portrayed the methodology of the mother as unsubtle and rhinoceros-like. Mother's who subtly control their children are far more likely to be believed. You have eliminated a lot of the tension you might have created by painting a scenario so one sided that you sound as though you are not telling a story but rather arguing a point. This takes a lot of the magic out of your story for me.

Nevertheless, your dialogue itself is very strong and this results in well defined characters. Just remember, all characters are a shade of grey. Black and white characters do not exist.

I hope the review helps!
Yoda

Why are you so good a writer!!! I loved this! ALOT! This flowed so easily that it showed that you really knew and understood your characters. The narrator is insanely amazing by the way. I love her wit, and sass, and stubborness. It is a fantastic blend that you portray so well. I love her little snide thoughts too, like: "Scrumptious. Who even said that anymore? As good a job as my mother did at irritating the hell out of me, these people took the cake." literally cracked me up. Other than those two grammatical error in the comment above mine (which i didn't really notice until they pointed out ), this was perfect. Great Job! Please do another story with this character!

P.S. I LUV the name Violet (its a character name in on of my stories too teehee :-p)

Yoda seemed to cover everything. I only have a couple of things to add.

"Can I help you?" I asked her, picking up a sponge from a bucket of soapy water.
She jumped at the sound of my voice, nearly falling off the stool. "Oh, yes, Mis- Violet, yes of course," she stuttered. I was afraid I had given her a heart attack, until she faintly smiled and added, "I haven't washed the front of the car, if you'd like to get started on that."

This all seems frankly bizarre. Considering the tigress she is working for, why on earth would the maid let your MC help clean the car in her dress. At least have her resist and encourage your MC to go inside before conceding.
Also the nature of the task itself. It's moments before a party and instead of cleaning up or what-have-you the maid is busy soaking the headlights? It all seems a little contrived.

That's when I snapped. "Yes, that's enough of your constant criticisms!" I yelled, standing up. The guests looked at me curiously.
"Sit down," my mother ordered.
Instead, I did something that no one could have seen coming. I scooped a handful of potatoes from the bowl in the center of the table and smeared them across my dress. "And I hate this God-damned dress!"

I think the conclusion would come along much better if you scraped the 'constant criticism' line, because when people are that angry, when the snap, they aren't always that coherent, they also swear. But if you want to keep it PG you could replace constant with damn. It would be much more effective, not to mention make your character seem more realistic.

Anyway I was looking forward to giving a full critique of this, but like I said Yoda has been reasonably comprehensive.

Hope That helps anyway.
JP

there's no period after Miss, just Ms.
there are several moments of misplaced dialogue connecting with description, also there are times where you miss the second quotation mark in your dialogue
behaviour- behavior? unless you're using a Uk English spelling?
I think calling Harvard Lovely is a bit off, even for a rich women Harvard is one of the most prestigious schools on earth

I think you do a solid start but rush to an end here. I loved the way you described the way she looked at herself in the dress, very nice, you have a strong sense of detail throughout.

I feel the ending came far too soon, too sudden, and it felt unfinished, unsatisfying. There wasn't a real build up to the moment. I mean sure mom was being a bitch (almost too much, almost one dimensional) but she needs to do something extreme to get your MC to react in such a way.

That said, this was a solid piece. I enjoyed the char of the maid and really liked your main character, very relatable and matching the way many many young adults have felt.

Solid work

Oh very nice. I loved the way you portrayed it as a mother and daughter that are like two complete strangers. The ending was brilliant.

Hey Confetti! I'm going through and reviewing the entries from the Capture That Emotion contest -- sorry it's taken me so long!

Now, you were given a difficult emotion to portray, and I think you did a pretty good job of showing the build-up of irritation, culminating in a burst of anger. I feel like you could have emphasized the annoyance a little more, showing how Violet was becoming more and more impatient with everyone around her -- it seems like you really focused her attention on the mom, which kind of led it more in the direction of her being angry and frustrated with the mom. If you had shown how she was getting annoyed with everyone she came into contact with, that would have helped -- I think you could have dragged on the part with the guests, as they seemed supremely irritating.

You gave a lot of details regarding her appearance and of the things she did during the day which made the story's pace feel slow, to be punctuated by the times when she got annoyed, and I think you could have made it a little smoother. It kind of felt like you strung along a sequence of events that matched the criteria, while the rest of the parts of the story were just there as transitioning points. I would have liked to know more about violet and get more of a glimpse into the person she is, and grow more attached to her and more empathetic to her constantly nagging mother.

I think you have a good ending, which rounded off the story nicely, although it felt like you strayed from irritation to rage then. But, overall, you did well, especially considering the emotion you had to work with. Keep up the good work!

Please let me know if you have any questions or whatnot, and thanks once again for entering!

Cheers!
~Hawk