Young Writers Society

I clutched tightly to the mail armor as I stared at the red haired girl in the mirror, her swollen abdomen all too obvious beneath the filthy tunic. How I had managed to keep this a secret as long as I had amazed me. The bulky mail armor and leather belts did most of the work.
“Thea!” I panicked as Fendrel burst into my tent. “ The Princess has summoned you for battle, the Turks are on the move!”
“What! Now?”
“Are you ok?” he asked, surprised by my shock. “You look awful.”
I attempted to calm myself. “Of course. I’ll be right there.”
“I’ll let her Majesty know then.” Fendrel didn’t look convinced but left anyways.
My heart raced as I slipped into the mail, feeling its extreme weight settle around me like a suffocating monster. I couldn’t abandon my army, we’d been training for this battle for moons and I was their leader. I stared into my own reflection and found fear there. What was wrong with me? I wasn’t afraid of anything. But this was unfamiliar territory, I was pregnant and no one knew about it. I had been too afraid to mention it to anyone and now the battle had arrived, it was far too late to leave now.
The camp was writhing with filthy men and women, their stench and noise as suffocating as the armor that clung to me. I ignored the shouts and gestures as I forced my way through the molding tents, my mind in a different place all together.
I was almost to the Princess’s tent when I saw him and my heart seemed to freeze. His brown gaze lingered on me for a second before a heart-wrenching smile crossed his face. His high cheekbones, narrow face, curly brown hair; it was enough to soften even the toughest heart. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks and reminded myself to breathe.
“Thea,” his deep voice washed over me and I trembled, “I need to speak with you… it’s urgent.”
Panic filled me. Did he know?
“W-we’re minutes away from battle, I don’t have time,” I stuttered, feeling the blush return full force to my face.
“What do we have here? A timid mouse? And here I thought you were as unmoving as old Alys.” He laughed and I found purchase on reality. I smirked, Alys was one of the war elephants.
“I apologize. You caught me off guard, Terrin. If we survive this battle… we’ll talk then,” I added calmly.
“Of course." He neared me and for the briefest of seconds his lips brushed my forehead before he turned and disappeared into the throng of knights.
I suddenly felt nauseous and hoped I wouldn’t vomit in the Princess’s presence.
“Thea!” Princess Ysmay’s musical voice sounded as I entered the large tent, leaving the filth and brashness of war behind me. Though there was no doubt Ysmay was a warrior there was also no doubt she was a woman. She was beautifully kept, her long black hair shining around her pale face and dark eyes.
“Your horse awaits you out back. Are you ready to lead this army to victory?” she asked quietly.
I didn’t respond as I waited for the nausea to dissipate. Concern flashed across Ysmay’s face.
“Thea, are you well?”
I nodded; I had broken the oath I’d sworn when I had become a Knight and I wasn’t about to admit it now. If I didn’t die a warrior’s death today, I would disappear after the battle.
“Fendrel can take-“
“No!” I interjected, my pride taking over.
I left immediately, grateful to find that most of the army had already gathered and were waiting anxiously. After a few clumsy attempts, I managed to mount the horse, unsheathing the broadsword at my side
I thrust the sword to the sky, my war cry sounding loud and clear, echoed by the knights surrounding me. The thrill of battle filled me as the horses lunged forward and for a brief moment I forgot how serious my predicament was. The Turk’s lay in wait over the next rise and the numbers were not in our favor. In the moment; death wasn’t my worst option.
Bloodlust overcame me as the horses’ hooves pounded the soft dirt beneath us and I shivered in anticipation. Not for the first time I wondered what was wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be more concerned about preserving the life that lay growing inside me? But right then I didn’t care.
As we neared the huge hill that would give us our advantage I gawlked in astonishment as horses came stampeding down us from the crest, some sliding from the steep incline. No! This wasn’t supposed to happen like this, how could they have known? And then I saw the archers.
I raised my shield, but I was too late. Arrows flew past us and I heard the screams of my knights surround me, only seconds later realizing that one of those screams was my own. I gasped as pain pierced my body and I screamed again, my vision faltering. The Knights around me were shouting in concern as they reined in their mounts, fear causing them to falter. But then a voice rose above the din of chaos, commanding the Knights to continue their charge. Fendrel raced past as my army rode on without me and my horse slowed while I struggled to remain mounted. How dare they! Anger rose in my pain-drowned mind as I urged my horse to continue after them. I would be fine.
I felt a body press against my own and my horse began to run again. No. It was the wrong direction, I couldn’t abandon my army! I struggled to correct the charging animal’s course as my hands shook.
“Let it go, Thea,” Terrin’s soft voice enveloped me, calming the sea of panic drowning me. His strong arms steadied my body as I bit back another scream.
“There will be other battles to fight. Today you must fight your own battle. And, Thea,” his angelic voice broke, shattering my heart, “promise me you’ll win this battle; for the three of us.”

First off, I want to say I thought your story was awesome I really don't have much else to say, but there were a few things I want to mention.

I thought the opening line was good, it catches the readers interest and makes them want to read more. I don't really get why that one guy had a sword to her throat, though. I mean, I don't get why he would want to kill her. I don't know, I just thought it was a bit confusing. For me anyway, and my tiny brain.

It was too obvious, how I had managed to keep this a secret as long as I had amazed me.

This sentence is a bit confusing at first. I got what you were saying, but I had to read it twice. Again, it could just be my miniscule brain.

She had been trained in the art of battle since childhood and her armies had grown rapidly as for the first time in the history of our nation she had allowed women to become knights in her army.

I was almost to the Princess’s tent when I saw him and my heart seemed to freeze.

This sentence seems a bit forced. Maybe you could try to rephrase it in a way that flows more smoothly.

Pain engulfed my body and I screamed, it was beyond anything I had every felt in all my eighteen years. Everything happened so fast I made little sense of it. For some reason my army rode on without me and my horse slowed. How dare they! Anger rose in my pain-drowned mind. I felt a body press against my own and my horse began to run again. No. It was the wrong direction, I couldn’t abandon my army!

Here, I honestly don't really get what is happening. She feels pain, her army rides on, someone else takes control of her horse and rides the other direction, I get that. But I don't really get what the pain is??? Sorry, it could just be my limited understanding, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.


Anyway, considering your limitations for the contest, I think you did an amazing job. The description vs. dialouge seems to be balanced out quite nicely, not too much of either. You managed to get through enough information without an infodump, and the action keeps the reader intrigued (Or, at least, me.)

Again, I'm probably not a very good reviewer, so you probably shouldn't listen to me, but anyway, that's basically my opinion on it. Oh, another thing, your 'show not tell' (Which is a big one for me, as you may already know) was great I always have trouble with that, so I admire your skill.

Keep writing!!
~Tayla

That was a very unique way of describing what was going on with the lady knight, but like your other reviewer said I didn't really understand why the other knight was holding a sword to her throat, but overall a great job. and Tarrin was a really well crafted character, I have to say he was my favorite

I Luke it skit. Very original. I couldn't tell what happen at the end, but the spoiler clears it up. Maybe you should add that information into your story? That would sound better and it would be less confusing. Good job, it kept me reading until the end ^.^

Unlike Unicorn, I knew what was happening to Thea pretty early on without having read the spoiler, and it annoyed me how roundabout you were dealing with the issue. You spend a lot of words on the roundabout that could be better used for action, so rather than dance around the pregnancy, I suggest addressing it directly and go from there. Starting off the story right when Fendrel walks in on her and finds out she's pregnant would be a more dramatic start, though another possibility would be to cut out that scene entirely. There isn't enough time to establish why Fendrel's rather extreme reaction is warranted, and it would leave more room for the drama of going into labor right as battle is about to begin.

Another thing you spend a lot of word count on is exposition and description, and they both struck me as being particularly noticeable. If you could cut down on it a little or incorporate more of it in the dialogue, it would become less obvious. Incorporating more of the exposition in dialogue in particular would also open up room for more characterization, which you need in as short a piece as this.

Lastly, when a woman is about to give birth, it is very obvious. It struck me as very odd that no one was asking Thea if she was well, and how none of her soldiers seemed to notice her being taken away during the charge. It would be more convincing if some of the soldiers, and perhaps even Ysmay, commented on Thea's health with concern, and while she's being taken away, have some soldiers call out to Terrin to take care of her, or some such.

Another thing that struck me as odd was that Thea was so active. Generally, when the labor pains begin, a woman does not want to or cannot move without a lot of assistance. There's a lot of physical changes going on in a woman entering labor, among them the dislocation of the hips (which are rather important for walking) and the flexing of the tailbone. Walking around the camp through sheer force of will, I can buy, but Thea's mounting the horse just struck me as completely implausible.

Basically, you can cut a lot of this down in various ways, but I think focusing on the last scene would be the best option since that is the climax of the entire piece. Also, incorporating more comments on Thea's health would be more realistic.

Ok, I revised it a bit. I have about 100 words left lol, so if you think I should take parts out or elaborate on other parts that would be awesome.

Hey DakotaK!

Hmmm... A lady knight... being pregnant at the heat of the battle?! Already, that is a pretty awkward time. But then to be about to deliver as she goes into battle? OUCH.

Okay, so first things first... I really really like your way of describing things and, quite honestly, if this is the sort of tone that your novel has, I can't wait to read it, lol. (I was going to read it for review day, but I kind of want to enjoy it, so I'll review it after and it will be awesome!) Anyway, you have a really good way of putting things together so that we can relate to the characters in both a physical sense with tons of action and an emotional sense so we can look at the characters and see ourselves in them. Very nice stuff here!

The main thing that concerns me is the realism of this piece... she's about to deliver and she's riding a horse? That's... something that you shouldn't do when you're pregnant, first of all. It's just not good for the baby! And I know she's hiding it and everything, but that seems like a particular way for a miscarriage, quite honestly.

Then, she starts to get the cramps when she's on the horse? I don't know... this may just be me, but when an instructor was teaching me how to ride a horse, she would tell me to use my legs to steer. And, in particular, if you were going in as cavalry, I think steering by the legs would be absolutely essential as a warrior, since you were holding your shield in one hand and your weapon in the other. So, if she were truly going to have a baby, I doubt that she would be able to ride into battle at all... the cramps would be too limiting and I don't think she could if she tried.

I also think if she was in that much pain, it's very possible that she might fall off her horse. I mean, if she can't wrap her legs around a horse and she has the equipment on, there is not much hope for her!

So yep. CRUEL REALITY STRIKES AGAIN.

Anyway! Besides those points (and yeah, I am a biosci nerd, so those stuck out at me especially... >.>) I really liked it, and I definitely can't wait to look at your novel!

Best of luck for your contest!