Young Writers Society

A story about a mathmatician in a waiting room stealing time.

Studying for a complex science test was the only thing on the mind of Johnny Brankton. Who would want to make a theory for everything? Better yet who would want to make that theory into one theory? I can turn any letter into a number, I can graph the most complex points in the world; why would I need to or even have the desire to figure out the string theory?

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain to the back of his head. Without even lifting his head he figured it had been his wife. He also assumed that she has once again been attempting to speak with him. He glanced up slightly to have his theory confirmed by the look on her face. Her palm still raised from the recent slap she began to speak.

"I swear, you mind is always somewhere else! What do I have to do in order to keep you attention for five minutes?" she pleaded.

He studied her face before he replied, deciding whether or not to tempt her wrath. He smiled at his wife and spoke, "It might help if you were made of numbers and I could understand you." Her brow gained tension as she contemplated his reply. She turned her face away in an attempt to seem disinterested.

"I’m sorry Jane, I really didn’t mean it I was only kidding." He said this while grabbing her chin and turning it back in his direction. She only glared at him with her brown squinted eyes, a scowl occupying her face. He decided that it was a lost cause to try and please her so he returned his attention back to his thoughts.

He observed his surroundings trying to remember why he was here. The lack of noise and the assistant behind the glass reminded him of his location. He remember that he was in the waiting room of a hospital awaiting the news of his examination. He had already assumed the news was bad so he tried to keep his focus on other things. Studying for his science test, for instance, was the key factor of distracting himself. He contemplated this until he noticed the arrival of a man in a white coat. The man held a clipboard that he used to remember the name of the patient he needed to call back.

"Johnny Brankton," he called mispronouncing the last name as most people did. I stood from where I was seated and meandered across the small room. "Please join me in my office," the doctor said with an air of authority.

Time seemed as if it mattered now, he wished to stall time and make the doctor forget the results of the blood test. The doctor didn’t hear these thoughts though and continued to speak.

"We have some bad news Johnny," the doctor said in a collected voice as he closed his office door.

Now he really just wanted to steal time away, to take the numbers out of the clock and make it stop altogether. He wished that the string theory was proven true now and that he could just escape to another diminsion, erasing the need for time altogether. He couldn’t do this but he wanted very well to be able to. The doctor continued as if Johnny’s thoughts meant nothing to him.

"You have cancer," the doctor said staring at him as if demanding his attention. "The cancer seems to have started in your liver, but now it has spread to many of the surrounding organs. I would have suggested chemotherapy if you had come in sooner, but as it is it wouldn’t be any help."

He thought about his words and the only thought that came to his mind exited his mouth, "How long do I have to live?"

"I do believe you may have as long as three month," the doctor said with pity written on his voice.

He stood to exit the room that was now suffocating him . He entered the room that his wife had waited in, in no hurry to tell her the news. His wife who had stayed in her place soon joined him begging for the news. He only stared at the clock though, thinking about stealing the silly numbers in order to stop time. In reality though instead of him being the one stealing time, time was stealing him away.

Hi Flower, here to review as requested from the Dynamic Duo! ^^

An Algebra II test was the only thing on the mind of Johnny Brankton. This test would define his career as a mathmatician which was very important to him. Who in their right mind would decide to put letters with numbers, he thought with hatred. Even someone with math skills of my caliber would find distaste in this subject.

I have a slight problem with this.

1) You suggest his mathematical knowledge is quite high
2) He dislikes algebra, the gateway to advanced mathematics

The two don't slide. Advance math is all about substitution and unknowns. A true mathematician would not be fazed by letters that stand for unknown numbers. I think you might need to do some research here - look up String Theory. Then your story would make even more sense ^^

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain to the back of his head. He glanced up slightly to see that his wife had been trying to speak to him to no avail. She held a magazine that she had rolled up and used as her weapon.

For some reason this sounds really dry and awkwardly worded to me. Perhaps because I believe it's not in the best order to utilise the surprise, who and what of the situation. The part that is stricken is because: how would he know she had been trying to speak to him? If it's from the point of view of the man, he shouldn't know that - unless he guessed, in which case you should probably state that.

He studied her face before he replied, deciding whether or not to tempt her wrath. He smiled gently at his wife and uttered silently,

There are so many descriptive words in here that the sentences become cluttered. Studied, replied, smiled gently, uttered silently. Is there a way for you to beef out the two sentences so there aren't so many such words in close proximity?

"It might help if you were made of numbers and I could understand you." Her brow gained tension as she contemplated his reply. She decided to settle her emotions on anger and turned her face violently away from his.

This part to me made no sense. No one I know gets this annoyed at someone who wasn't listening/paying attention. Once again, I believe you're over-describing the actions between them, and you either need to play it down a little bit, or scale your sentences to be larger.

His math test, for instance, was the key factor of distracting himself.

This also made no sense. Why would he be allowed to answer a math exam outside of exam conditions?

The man made a gesture suggesting that he join him. Johnny arose from his warm seat and entered the cold air of this man.

Cold air of this man? Also, I don't know how it works elsewhere, but in Australia you make an appointment with a general practitioner, they take your details, you give blood or whatever you need to the appropriate places, then you go back for a check-up/whatever. I just found it odd that this doctor knew Johnny. If you got to choose a doctor and the one you had was a cold-hearted man, I assume you'd be able to respecify.

Time seemed as if it mattered now, he wished to stall time and make the doctor forget his news. The doctor did not forget the reason of his being there though.

I think you have the power to make this part more emotional, but you fell short in the conveyance.

"You have cancer," the doctor said staring at him as if demanding his attention. "It’s spread to far to treat, you have around three months to live." It seemed the doctor showed no feelings towards him at all, almost as if he didn’t care. The doctor walked away leaving Johnny standing there in a shock that would never leave him.

I think this part is unrealistic. That's unprofessional practice on the doctor's side. Also, you might like to do some research. What kind of cancer? Where is it spreading? Why wasn't it detected earlier? What about chemotherapy?

His wife who had stayed in her place soon joined him begging for the news.

Generally when you meet with doctors they'll talk to you in their offices.

Anyway, PM me/comment in the thread if you want me to review once again if you make any changes ^^

- jhoijhoi

Hi again! ^^ I see you've edited Here's what I noticed on the second run-through!

Studying for a complex science test was the only thing on the mind of Johnny Brankton.

Good, you gave him a last name, that makes him more realistic to the reader. However, I still think perhaps this is a little vague. Maybe "reading about the newest advances in the development of String Theory was the only thing on...."

Who would want to make a theory for everything? Better yet who would want to make that theory into one theory? I can turn any letter into a number, I can graph the most complex points in the world; why would I need to or even have the desire to figure out the string theory?

I believe a mathematician would believe the opposite ^^ He'd want to know THE formula, the one equation to rule them all. But this is certainly better than what you had before.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp pain to the back of his head. Without even lifting his head he figured it had been his wife. He also assumed that she has once again been attempting to speak with him. He glanced up slightly to have his theory confirmed by the look on his wife’s her face. Her palm still raised from the recent slap she began to speak.

Good!

~You have extra enter spaces here~

She only glared at him with her brown beady eyes, a permanent scowl occupying her face.

The description "beady eyes" reminds me of rat eyes. And I doubt she had a permanent scowl just like that, maybe "a scowl settled over her features and he knew from experience that it'd take a long time for it to disappear".

He observed his surroundings trying to remember why he was here. Then he remember that he was in the waiting room of a hospital awaiting the news of his examination.

Between the two sentences maybe you could add in a snippet of what he saw to jog his memory, such as other people in the waiting room, or an antiseptic smell.

"Johnny Brankton," he called mispronouncing the last name as most people did. I stood from where I was seated and meandered across the small room. "Please join me in my office," the doctor said with an air of authority.

You suddenly switched from third person to first person here. And if you don't mind me saying so, I think you write better when you slide into the character's shoes.

Time seemed as if it mattered now, he wished to stall time and make the doctor forget his news.

"forget the results of the blood test" maybe, will sound better.

Now he really just wanted to steal time away, to take the numbers out of the clock and make it stop altogether. He couldn’t do this but he wanted very well to be able to. [*] The doctor continued as if Johnny’s thoughts meant nothing to him.

Here would be a prime place to input some research about String Theory. Basically String Theory is the idea that this world co-exists with other dimensions. If someone could verify this, time travel might become possible. You'd have to do a fair bit of research and read between the lines, but it'd be delightful if you managed to incorporate more of the theory into your story. Furthermore - what if John was the lead String Theorist? What if they were coming so close to cracking the code, creating the formula? What if all John needed was time?

"You have cancer," the doctor said staring at him as if demanding his attention. "The cancer seems to have started in your liver, but now it has spread to many of the surrounding organs. I would have suggested chemotherapy if you had come in sooner, but as it is it wouldn’t be any help."

More research here would also be beneficial. You could mention that the liver was failing to produce enough nutrients in your blood for your body to sustain itself. Or whatever, I'm not to sure about the details of liver cancer.

"I do believe you may have as long as three months," the doctor said with pity written on his voice.

He only stared at the clock though, thinking about stealing the silly numbers in order to stop time. In reality though instead of him being the one stealing time, time was stealing him away.

I like the ending, but for some reason it sounds a bit too wordy. However, I can't think of a way to condense it without losing meaning... And making it longer also seems to be the incorrect way to go, "He stared at the clock on the wall, watched the second hand tick slowly downwards. Time. If only he could have been able to reverse time, or steal it. Steal the numbers that have chocked his existence. But he didn't have long enough to steal time before time stole him away."

*shrugs*?

Anyway, nicely done, I'm very glad you took my opinions to heart. I do like how this has turned out, as it is far more realistic. I realise that there's a word limit to this competition, what is the count that you are sitting on now? And is there anything in your story you believe could be cut out, made more succinct or even elaborated upon? Simply reply to this thread if you wish for me to go over it again, or if you have any questions or comments ^^

Thanks for the request!

- jhoijhoi