Finding Perfection.

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Mon May 02, 2011 5:24 pm

Kagi says...

Spoiler! :

Finding Perfection

Kelly O'Brien was surrounded by white and cream dresses hung delicately on smooth hangers. Bubbles rose in her chest as she supressed a giggle-It was all so unreal. Of all people she had never imagined herself as a bride; at least not for another while. Letting her eyes wander over the vast amount of dresses she tried to picture herself walking down the aisle. It seemed so... strange, almost impossible. Everything had been a blur, Travis proposing, Pre-paring for the wedding, picking out rings; One day it's normal, the next your engaged to be married. It was still such a shook to her, such a surprise. Often she wrote her new name on pieces of paper, trying to get used to it. Kelly O'Sullivan.The thought of this caused her to shudder in pleasure.
"Kelly?" Her mother's smooth voice dragged her back down to reality. Turning to face her, Kelly smiled widely- it seemed to be the only thing she'd been doing in the last few weeks.
"Do you see any you'd like to start trying?"

"Wow, I just can't choose. I mean, I'm not even sure what I should be looking for-what I want, you know?"

"You've got an amazing figure sweetheart so I wouldn't worry. Maybe start browsing and try on what catches your eye? I'll start looking around too,"

Nodding, she let her fingers crawl over the different materials. Did she want something fancy and mind-blowingly beautiful or something simple but elegant? Looking around the small bridal shop she finally settled with the simple option, possibly something with a little lace around the edges. She felt a sharp tap on her shoulder, causing her to jump and whirl around to face her mother.
"Kells, I'm not saying anything but.." Raising her hand, Kelly's mother lifted up a floor length gown and shrugged her shoulders softly.

"Oh.." She stared at the dress in her mothers hands."I can't believe this, it's.. the dress is perfect," She breathed, pausing in excitement she whispered, "Should I try it on?"
Cupping her face in her hands, her mother beamed down at her,
"Go,"

Staring at herself in the mirror, she ran her hands along her waist, fingering the sequins carefully.
"I think," she said, pausing, "I just found my wedding dress!"
The young, chinese assistant grinned at her.
"Beautiful Madame, some champagne?" She took one glass and handed the other to her mother-she raised it above her head and spoke,
"To my beautiful little girl,"

As I sipped at the champagne my mind wandered to Tia, my younger sister and best friend. She had promised she'd come along later for a bite to eat and of course, to see the dress. I walked over to my purse and pulled out my phone, texting her to meet us in the bar for lunch in twenty minutes. Casting one last glance at myself in the mirror, I ambled over to the dressing room already fumbling with the zip on the back of the Vera Wang.

Travis O'sullivan sat at his desk sipping a hot Starbucks coffee. His head seemed to be elsewhere these past days, he couldn't focus on work at all. Grinning, he shook us head. Kelly had really got to him these last couple of days, her happiness and energy had rubbed off on him, she seemed to be glowing from every angle. His phone vibrated in the pocket of his denim jeans, he quickly set his coffee on the table on looked down at the screen.

One new message;
- Think I just picked my dress. ( :
With Mom, meeting up with Tia later for lunch at The Bar; Join us?
Miss you. xxx K

Smiling again, his stomach grumbled, as he replied, telling her he'd be there in ten. Grabbing his jacket, he wondered where he'd be if he hadn't met Kelly. She changed everything, his direction, his opinions and the way he felt about himself.
"Travis?" Hugh O'Reilly strolled over to his desk, his arms hung loosely by his side.
"Oh, Hugh!" Startled he turned to meet his manager.
"Going off again?"
"Yeah, just grabbing a bite to eat!" He pointed in the direction of The Bar.
"You seem to be 'grabbing' a bite to eat quite often now aye?"
Taken aback, he stuttered, "W-we are allowed to eat around here are we not?"
"Of course, that's why the canteen's downstairs. Don't get me wrong Travis, I just don't want you slacking off, you know how important this season is to the company,"
"You know that I work hard and have been for as long as I've worked here. Kelly's been in Town the last couple of days so we thought we might as well have lunch together, do I need permission?" He replied indignantly.
"Have a nice meal, Travis," He watched as Hugh walked out of his office and turned the corner. Infuriated, he closed the door behind him and stepped into the elevator.

He pushed open the door to 'The Bar' and searched the crowd for a sign of Kelly. There. Travis waved and began picking his way through the tables until he found himself pulling his fiancé into a hug.
Sitting down on a chair he shrugged off his jacket,
"Well, have you done successful shopping? Such hard work ehh?" He teased.
"They have actually! You better know just how lucky you are young man, Kelly is going to look ravishing on the day of the wedding!" Tia, a short haired blonde-Kelly's younger sister-retorted.
"She already is," He laughed, taking her hand.
"Guys? Can we focus on lunch please?" Kelly broke in, fondling Travis's hand.
"What? You don't like us throwing compliments at you?" He faked surprise.
Kelly grinned at the both of them, and then turned to the menu, waving it in their faces.
He took the menu from her and skimmed down the page, deciding on a ham and onion toastie. Looking around, he yawned, taking note that an early night was essential.

After everyone had placed their order he began telling them about his argument with Hugh just before he'd left.
"I mean, I know I have been eating out more lately," He looked jokingly at Kelly, "But he has no right to tell me I have to eat at the canteen, it's ridiculous!That man can be such an ass sometimes,"
Kelly's mother, Linda, a nice woman in her early fifties, let out a soft laugh.
"Oh he's not that bad. He does have his good sides, and you can see where he's coming from,"
Tia nudged her arm,
"How do you know Hugh? An old friend huh? An old boyfriend?"
"He was in my year in High School, we were friends for a while and lovers too. It didn't last though, but you know that!" Linda joked. She must have noticed our shocked faces as she continued, "What? You didn't think I had admirers in my time?"
"Not Hugh mom! He just doesn't seem your type," Kelly grinned.
"Oh I have a type now do I?"
They broke out into friendly laughter, nothing unusual, the humour in Kelly's family was one reason he loved spending time with her side of relations and what got Kelly and him going.

"If the food doesn't hurry up; I'll have to leave or else face being killed!"

Hopefully, I'll have another chapter out soon. If you Like it then, Like it!

Last edited by Kagi on Fri Jul 08, 2011 8:47 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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Mon May 02, 2011 6:52 pm

AdoxagraphyAngelus says...

I very much enjoyed reading this. There are just a few things that could be fixed to make it even better.

Kelly O'Brien was surrounded by white and cream dresses hung delicately on smooth hangers. Bubbles Bubbles doesn't fit correctly into this sentence. Maybe it was excitement? Nerves? rose in her chest as she surpressed Suppressed, not surpresseda giggle-It was all so unreal. Of all people she had never imagined herself as a bride, at least not for another while A long while. Letting her eyes wander over the vast amount of dresses Commashe tried to picture herself walking down the aisle. It seemed so... strange, almost impossible. All of this had been a blur, the only clear thing in her head being that Travis loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. The thought of this caused her to shudder in pleasure.
"Kelly?" Her mother's smooth voice dragged her back down to reality. Turning to face her, Kelly smiled widely- it seemed to be the only thing she'd been doing in the last few weeks.
"Do you see any you'd like to start trying?"

"Wow, I just can't choose. I mean, I'm not even sure what I should be looking for-what I want, you know?"

"You've any amazing figure Comma sweetheart Commaso I wouldn't worry. Maybe start browsing and try on what catches your eye? I'll start looking around too, Period instead of a comma."

Nodding, she let her fingers crawl over the different materials. Did she want something fancy and mind-blowingly beautiful or something simple but elegant? Looking around the small bridal shop Commashe finally settled with the simple option, possibly something with a little lace around the edges. She felt a sharp tap on her shoulder, causing her to jump and whirl around to face her mother.
"Kells, I'm not saying anything but.." Raising her hand, Kelly's mother lifted up a floor length gown and shrugged her shoulders softly.

"Oh.."
Suddenly over-whelmed by it all she began to cry,then clap her hands and finally she run to hug her mother.
"I can't believe this, it's.. the dress is perfect," She breathed,Period instead of comma. Capital P pausing in excitement she whispered, "Should I try it on?"
Cupping her face in her hands, her mother beamed down at her,
"Go, Period instead of comma."

Staring at herself in the mirror, she ran her hands along her waist, fingering the sequins carefully.
"I think," she said, pausing, "I just found my wedding dress!"
The young,Chinese with a capital C. chinese assistant grinned at me.
"Beautiful Madame, some champagne?" You suddenly changed from third person to first person.I took one glass and handed the other to my mother-she raised it above her head and spoke,
"To my beautiful little girl, Period."

As I sipped at the champagne a surge of excitement made my arms tingle. I was really doing this, it was really happening to me. My mind wandered to Tia, my younger sister and best friend. She had promised she'd come along later for a bite to eat and of course, to see the dress. I walked over to my purse and pulled out my phone, texting her to meet us in the bar for lunch in twenty minutes. Casting one last glance at myself in the mirror, I ambled over to the dressing room Commaalready fumbling with the zip on the back of the Vera Wang.

Travis O'sullivan sat at his desk Commasipping a hot Starbucks with a capital S.starbucks coffee. His head seemed to be elsewhere these past days, he couldn't focus on work at all. Grinning, he shook us His head. Kelly had really gotten to him these last couple of days, her happiness and energy had rubbed off on him, she seemed to be glowing from every angle. His phone vibrated in the pocket of his denim jeans, he quickly set his coffee on the table on looked down at the screen.

One new message;
- Think I just picked my dress. ( :
With Mom, meeting up with Tia later for lunch at The Bar; Join us?
Miss you. xxx K

Smiling again, his stomach grumbled, as he replied, telling her he'd be there in ten. Grabbing his jacket, he wondered where he'd be if he hadn't met Kelly. She changed everything, his direction, his opinions and the way he felt about himself.
"Travis?" Hugh O'Reilly strolled over to his desk, his arms hung loosely by his side.
"Oh, Hugh!" Startled he turned to meet his manager.
"Going off again?"
"Yeah, just grabbing a bite to eat!" He pointed in the direction of The Bar.
"You seem to be 'grabbing' a bite to eat quite often now aye?"
Taken aback, he stuttered, "W-we are allowed to eat around here are we not?"
"Of course, that's why the canteen's downstairs. Don't get me wrong Travis, I just don't want you slacking off, you know how important this season is to the company, Period instead of comma. "
"You know that I work hard and have been for as long as I've worked here. Kelly's been in T in town doesn't need to be capitalized.Town the last couple of days so we thought we might as well have lunch together, do I need permission?" He He shouldn't be capitalized.replied indignantly.
"Have a nice meal, Travis, Period instead of comma." He watched as Hugh walked out of his office and turned the corner. Infuriated, he closed the door behind him and stepped into the elevator.

He pushed open the door to 'The Bar' and searched the crowd for a sign of Kelly. There. Travis waved and began picking his way through the tables until he found himself pulling his fiancé into a hug.
Sitting down on a chair Comma he shrugged off his jacket, Period instead of comma.
"Well, have you done successful shopping? Such hard work Commaehh?" He teased.
"They have actually! You better know just how lucky you are Comma young man, Kelly is going to look ravishing on the day of the wedding!" Tia, a short haired blonde-Kelly's younger sister-retorted.
"She already is," he doesn't need to be capitalized.He laughed, taking her hand.
"Guys? Can we focus on lunch please?" Kelly broke in, fondling Travis's hand.
"What? You don't like us throwing compliments at you?" He faked surprise.
Kelly grinned at the both of them, and then turned to the menu, waving it in their faces.
He took the menu from her and skimmed down the page, deciding on a ham and onion toastie. Looking around, he yawned, taking note that an early night was essential.

After everyone had placed their order he began telling them about his argument with Hugh just before he'd left.
"I mean, I know I have been eating out more lately," He looked jokingly at Kelly, "But he has no right to tell me I have to eat at the canteen, it's ridiculous!That man can be such an ass sometimes,"
Kelly's mother, Linda, a nice woman in her early fifties, let out a soft laugh.
"Oh he's not that bad. He does have his good sides, and you can see where he's coming from, Period instead of comma."
Tia nudged her arm, Period instead of comma.
"How do you know Hugh? An old friend huh? An old boyfriend?"
"He was in my year in High School, we were friends for a while and lovers too. It didn't last though, but you know that!" Linda joked. She must have noticed our shocked faces as she continued, "What? You didn't think I had admirers in my time?"
"Not Hugh Comma mom! He just doesn't seem your type," Kelly grinned.
"Oh I have a type now do I?"
They broke out into friendly laughter, nothing unusual, the humour Humour needs to be changed to humor. in Kelly's family was one reason he loved spending time with her side of relations and what got Kelly and him going.
"If the food doesn't hurry up; I'll have to leave or else face Comma being killed!"

I really enjoyed reading this and most of the mistakes were punctuation errors. Other than that, great job.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

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Mon May 02, 2011 7:49 pm

Dreamwalker says...

Howdy there! Walker here with a review for this piece! Hope you don't mind

Alright so, I'm going to start off with my opinion right off the bat. Don't take this offensively but what was the point of this chapter?

You give us no plot, vague character, and a pretty much grotesquely perfect scenario of two good looking people who are about to get their happily ever after. Of course, something will go wrong. Anyone can see that. What I'm trying to get at is right off the bat we have unoriginal perfection and cliche fluff. The cliche won't make you a writer. You need character flaw, and plot that isn't about perfection. Its character flaw that creates the drama people crave so much when reading a book. When you read a book about people who are perfect with perfect situations, the reader cannot connect and will likely toss it, so for the sake of this story and whatever plotline you seem to think you have, change this ridiculous idealism of perfection and beauty.

Nextly, lets talk about your grammar and punctuation.

Bubbles rose in her chest as she surpressed a giggle-It was all so unreal.

Here we have a complete misuse of dashes. A dash, in itself, is mean't to be paired and used for internal thoughts such as;

ex. The rain - though a nice refresher - plastered down on us.

As you can see, if you take the dashes out and replace them with commas, the sentence would still work. If you took out the 'though a nice refresher', you would have a complete, full sentence. Then, and only then, can you use dashes.

In the case of what you have above, that is where the semicolon comes in. Use it or don't word your sentences in that manner.

Of all people she had never imagined herself as a bride, at least not for another while.

This is what I like to call the spliced comma. This is a big no no. We don't use commas in place of a semicolon or period because that is just bad punctuation, so change it.

"You've any amazing figure sweetheart so I wouldn't worry.

And now we come to the grammatical errors that a six year old could spot. 'got an' should replace 'any'. This could have easily been spotted out if looked for.

So, my word of advice here is to re-read your work constantly. Don't just skim and post. Grammar and punctuation are so important when it comes to literature, and nothing looks worse on a writer than poorly checked work.

"You seem to be 'grabbing' a bite to eat quite often now aye?"

Eh and Aye are too completely different things and are also pronounced differently.

Now, lets move onto the mistakes within your piece. Little areas that made no sense or should be changed.

All of this had been a blur, the only clear thing in her head being that Travis loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

This is usually the part thats the most blurry to a bride. Everything else is usually very sharp and overwhelming.

These kind of unrealistic thought processes make a book unconnectable. Like something straight off the harlequinn table xP.

Suddenly over-whelmed by it all she began to cry,then clap her hands and finally she run to hug her mother.

You also jump into things ridicuously quickly! This is so sporatic it actually made me reread the line cause I didn't believe it the first time. She was happy and than suddenly went ballistic. Doesn't make common sense. Change.

"I think," she said, pausing, "I just found my wedding dress!"
The young, chinese assistant grinned at me.

You jump from third to first tense. Watch out for this. Tense jumping is another big no no in writing.

As I sipped at the champagne a surge of excitement made my arms tingle. I was really doing this, it was really happening to me.

We get it. This is becoming redundant. Don't overdue your topics. I know this is something fun and happy to write but we don't need to hear about how gloriously happy she is all the time. You could easily use this for description and setting which you completely lack.

His head seemed to be elsewhere these past days, he couldn't focus on work at all. Grinning, he shook us head. Kelly had really got to him these last couple of days,

You repeat words and phrases though a little differently each time, like here we have the 'these past days' and then you follow up with a 'these last couple days' which sounds awfully familiar, don't you think? xD

Next, I would like to make a statement about your lack of description and setting. We don't know what anyone looks like, the places they are, or pretty much anything that would flesh out a novel. You put lots of emotion in your work which is nice, but we need to see things before we can feel them. Why should I be happy for someone who feels so unrealistic to me? Why should I want her to find that perfect dress and marry that perfect guy? I don't see connections here that you need to start making. Its a skeleton mostly that is lacking any form of flesh.

So I really hope that wasn't too harsh. I think I just got a little bit annoyed that the title was called 'Finding Perfection' and yet throughout the entire piece we have only that. Theres nothing that gives this character or personality. The unoriginality of this is boring and cliche, so step up your game. I know you can do better than this, and hope to see it in the next chapter!

~Walker

Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S

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Tue May 03, 2011 8:08 pm

Kagi says...

Thanks for the reviews, I got asked a couple of questions so here's hoping I help readers understand a few things.

I was asked what was the point of the chapter, why I wrote it? Well why do we write things? It's either a topic we feel passionate about, have experienced our just had a sudden urge to type. I guess, I just felt so excited about being able to write, I've had writers block for a while. But aside all of that, I thought this chapter would be the beginning of the beginning if that makes any sense. Like I was giving the inlook too their emotions, what they were doing and the way they felt about the upcoming event. I wanted to give some basic information, did I not get that across? One reader said, it was simply an enjoyable read. I think that's what I wanted. Something that people enjoyed so they'd want to read some more and hopefully, as time went on I'd get a real hearty plot going on. So has that answered that one?

Nextly, my lack of description and setting. Something I did on purpose. As a sort of prologue, I purposely didn't give to much facts like; hair colour and country and such. I wanted to give readers a reason to keep reading and find out. To let people see different sides about the charchters in each and every chapter, adding in more valuable information as I went. I thought I gave enough detail and description for the moment. Of course the next chapter, whenever it comes out, will have some other bits of information dropped here and there without making people confused. I hope.

Dreamwalker said;

Its a skeleton mostly that is lacking any form of flesh.

Kind of what I want right now. If my writing is any good then as each chapter goes along I'll be adding organs and flesh to my skeleton.

So does that make things a little clearer?

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Tue May 03, 2011 8:42 pm

borntobeawriter says...

Hey there Kagi.

Well, I just read Walker's review and although I agree with everything she said, I must congratulate you on how much you've grown in your writing.

I read your very first works posted here and they were a mess in dialogue and detailing. This was much, much better. Although I wish you'd go a little more in-depth, I really felt the love between the characters. Just be careful not to make everything too perfect. Not too easy.

Like Walker said, we can feel something bad is about to happen. Which is really cliché. Make it a surprise. In fact, why make a prologue at all? I don't recall ever reading any in a romance before.

Other than that, it's an interesting start. Keep up the great work!

Tanya

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Tue May 03, 2011 9:42 pm

Titan4ever says...

I love it! It is such a good chapter! I only noticed a couple of things.

It was still such a shook to her, such a surprise.

Instead of the word shook, it should be shock.

I also noticed that a lot of the dialogue in your story, you ended with a comma instead of a period. I don't know if that it's just me, but it kindof bugged me. I can't wait to read more!

-Titan

-Titan4ever
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."

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Wed May 04, 2011 1:07 am

eldEr says...

Hi Kagi! Here as requested!

Unfortunately, there's been a lot already said, so I'm going to apologize in advance for repetition and/or briefness of the review. xD (I hope I can still help a bit, though. oo")

So, as an overall perspective, this piece was pretty good. It's not really my style of story, either, so I was a bit bored, though that probably has more to do with personal preference than your writing. :lol:

Your characters, which you said you were focusing on for the prologue, seemed pretty average, though. They have decent personalities, I suppose, but there's nothing really prominent about them. Nothing popped out about them - Travis and Kelly seemed like a pretty average pair of getting-married lovebirds. Not that that's a bad thing, but if you wanted to focus on your characters for the prologue, then (in my opinion), you should probably throw at least one thing in that makes them really stand out.

Otherwise, though, I don't have much more to say on that topic. I would go through and nitpick everything, but all it would really require is a quick run-over - the mistakes were mostly typos and a few punctuation errors. (I suppose I'll point a few of those out for you, though. :lol:

)

But first, I wanted to point one paragraph out:

As I sipped at the champagne my mind wandered to Tia, my younger sister and best friend. She had promised she'd come along later for a bite to eat and of course, to see the dress. I walked over to my purse and pulled out my phone, texting her to meet us in the bar for lunch in twenty minutes. Casting one last glance at myself in the mirror, I ambled over to the dressing room already fumbling with the zip on the back of the Vera Wang.

You switched persons here. The rest of your prologue is written in third person, and this is first person. Sorry for the extremely long quote, by the way, but it was needed.

Another thing here was something I noticed in your dialogue:

"You've got an amazing figure sweetheart so I wouldn't worry. Maybe start browsing and try on what catches your eye? I'll start looking around too,"

You ended the paragraph with this dialogue, so what's up with the comma? You need to end that in a period - and I noticed that you did that a lot. I'd scan your story and fix that.

And that's about all I could find here.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?

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Thu May 05, 2011 12:32 pm

MiaParamore says...

Hey Kaka! What's up? I am so glad you've finally come out of the Writer's Block shell and written something. Bravo! Now it doesn't actually matter if it would be a brilliant read or not, but you've taken the first step and written something, which is very good for a start.

Of all the people, she had never imagined herself as a bride; at least not for another while.

Letting her eyes wander over the vast amount of dresses she tried to picture herself walking down the aisle.

If I were you, then I wouldn't have gone for something like 'vast amount' That's something you'd generally for smaller items, but not here. I just..didn't feel it belongs here.

The thought of this caused her to shudder in pleasure.

Umm, shudder mostly comes across as something negative to me, which isn't always the case, though. But I would suggest you to replace this with something nice.

The young, Chinese assistant grinned at her.

"You've got an amazing figure, sweetheart so I wouldn't worry. Maybe start browsing and try on what catches your eye? I'll start looking around too,"

I can't believe this, it's.. the dress is perfect," she breathed, pausing in excitement she whispered, "Should I try it on?"

Using a comma then a capital 's' for she? Whoa! :lol:

His ~~head~~ mind seemed to be elsewhere these past days, he couldn't focus on work at all.

Head is always stuck to your body, unfortunately, dear.

"You seem to be 'grabbing' a bite to eat quite often now, aye?"

"She already is," he laughed, taking her hand.

"Not Hugh, mom! He just doesn't seem your type," Kelly grinned.

To be honest? That's after a long time I've come across so many punctuation mistakes and had to point them out in a long time. You had similar kind of mistakes and I hope that once I point out them to you, you'd be able to work them out. I hope my review would help you. You need to take care of the following things, and please do notice them and register it to your memory:
1. Your dialog tags. When you end up a dialog, there are two ways of doing so. Either you end it with a fullstop and that's done when the sentence after the dialog is an independent one and can stand on its own. Other way is by having a comma at the end, and when you have that, the part which follows is not independent. I'll give you some examples:
--"I won't be coming," snapped Ali.
--"Is that your cousin? You should introduce us." A cheeky grin cascaded on Ramans' face and he strutted towards the petite blonde.

The difference is that in the first one, there is not being much done after the dialog ends and that's why it has been given a comma. On the other hand, the second dialog has a long independent sentence following which is why it ends with a full-stop. Do lemme know if you've got some doubt.

2.Whenever you address a person directly, you use a comma after or before their name, as the situation persists.

"Not Hugh, mom! He just doesn't seem your type," Kelly grinned.

Right now mom is being addressed directly so that's why she'll deserve a comma.

--"Please come, Anna," Mark pleaded. See? ;wink:

Those were your grammar mistakes, and they were repeated a lot, so just watch out for them. You need to work out on them. Only when your piece is clear of these typos or mosquitoes would the reviewers be able to concentrate on other important things. If you need help with any of the things I mentioned, just PM me, and I'd be glad to help out.

I haven't actually read any of your stuff before, but just skimmed through one and it looked a bit shabbier than this is, so that definitely means you've improved a lot. As Tanya said, your dialog are better but you still need to work on them, and make them a bit better.

Now coming to the real story. My first impression of it was sweet and personally I really enjoy such kind of stories, which have a wedding and the bride hurries through shops to find something for herself. The concept in itself was sweet but nothing unique. Don't worry, I am not fussing about that. But my main problem with this was that I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel anything. Nothing for the characters. They were just plain piece of a paper and they a lot of colouring and marks upon them. I won't bug you to much with it since this is just the start, but if I were you, I'd be careful about it from the next time and give a bit intro to some characters' personality from the very beginning.

Your descriptions need a bit work. You described her emotions of waiting to get married but they all seemed mechanical. Like just some phrases which had been added. There was no imagery, and I was waiting to get more feel. But I didn't. What you could probably do is to make this a bit lengthy and add in more stuff to it. Add in how the dresses she browsed looked like and how the dress she chose looked(if you don't want to keep it a secret, that is). In such chick-lit novels, one needs to feel everything the person is feeling and for wedding novel it would be amazing to actually feel being there, touching the fabric and feeling through it. Do you get me? I know I use a lot of insensible descriptions, but personally I'd like it more than using none. You need to write like you feel it, just don't...I don't know how to explain it.

Other thing that kind of bugged me was your off and on change of persons. One moment we were reading from third person and the other it seemed like it was Kelly speaking those lines. Then again third person. It seemed actually really awkward and I'd have loved to get more feel to the characters. Your transmission isn't a bad thing provided you do that systematically. You need to be careful with that. If it is Kelly's POV, mention it. If it is third person, do something to convey that to us. You shouldn't be confusing readers.

To begin with, work out on your descriptions in the shop. Make it look as magical as possible. Make it sound like a treat to our ears. How would you want a shop to look like if it were you?

Anyway, I can see that you have got good plans and as I said, the theme in itself was sweet and I liked reading it. The conversations were good in themselves even if there was some minor mistake every time with the dialog, and I could picture them talking, but I think we need more than that now. Some solid descriptions, so we could feel everything. I hope I wasn't harsh and I can't wait to know what would be the twist of the story. I would advise you to hang on to this project and work on it hard so that you get something good at the end of the day.

Sorry if I were harsh, and lemme know if there's anything at all I could help you out with. I'd be happy to do so.

Thanks for the read,
~Shrubss

"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore

Gender:

Points: 44887
Reviews: 816

Thu May 05, 2011 7:45 pm

Shearwater says...

Hey there, Kagi! I'm here to review for you. ^^

Nitpicks & Comments

Kelly O'Brien was surrounded by white and cream dresses hung delicately on smooth hangers.

Hung should actually be 'hanging'.
It's one of those grammar/tense rules that are hard to explain but if you read this sentence out loud, you'll probably see that it doesn't sound right. You already have the past tense here with the 'surrounded' so during that time the dresses were 'hanging' not 'hung'.

at least not for another while

Another while? I feel like that's worded a bit weirdly. Try, "at least not for a while or at least not now or maybe at least not until a while later."

"You've got an amazing figure sweetheart so I wouldn't worry. Maybe start browsing and try on what catches your eye? I'll start looking around too,

Why is there a comma at the end of this? There shouldn't be one if she stops talking about this subject.
So the comma should be a period. If you're having difficulty figuring out how to correctly punctuate a sentence try taking a look at the writing tips forums under community forums. It should help you out.

Alright, I usually keep finding the same mistakes:
-Dialogue punctuation errors
-Comma misplacement
-awkward wordings in some areas
... so I'm not really going to go into the rest of the nitpicks.

-----

Okay, let’s start with the opener. It wasn’t the greatest in the world. You’ve decided to make the opening a little slow and steady by easing the readers into your story. However, it’s kind of boring. I give it B- if at best but try working on it a little more to make it stand out. The first few lines were okay but then you went into the dress fitting and honestly, I skipped a few paragraphs.

Right now, we barely know her character so it’d be nice if you showed a little more of her personality instead of focusing on her dress so much. Unfortunately, you said you wanted to make this chapter to get your characters out but you barely did that. Your characters seemed too perfect to be real and it seemed like an ending to ‘perfect’ love story rather than a beginning. I don’t like your character, she seems to have no flaws so I can’t even picture her in my head.

Something that you’re going to have to work on is your grammar. I know for a fact that you’re getting better but it’s still something that I think by now, you should have a firm grasp upon. Do check out the writing tips forum to strengthen your dialogue punctuation because that seems to be the place where you struggle with.

Overall, this beginning doesn’t grab my attention and it’s kind of boring to read about perfect people so try shifting things around a bit. Then maybe we might have something interesting. I was thinking that maybe her fiancé would be someone who doesn’t really love her or is using her but that doesn’t seem to be the case either so there’s nothing wrong. There’s not hint of a plot it’s just perfect people having a good time and there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s not going to get you an audience. People want to ‘see and hear’ about something different.

In the end I see a lot of improvement with your writing but you still have to tweak some things up.

Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be happy to answer them for you. ^^

-Pink

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Gender:

Points: 7340
Reviews: 205

Thu May 05, 2011 8:04 pm

Kagi says...

Thank you everyone dearly for your time, and reviews. I love them and will treasure them forever,

Your points were taken into opinion and mistakes were changed.

@Shrubbery:

haven't actually read any of your stuff before, but just skimmed through one and it looked a bit shabbier than this is, so that definitely means you've improved a lot.

Shabby? Ouch. Never thought of my work as shabby, may not be perfect but didn't ever think shabby.

Got YWS?

If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong.

Gender:

Points: 30301
Reviews: 770

Fri May 06, 2011 2:23 pm

borntobeawriter says...

Kagi, keep in mind that english isn't her first language and what shabby means to us might not mean the same to her..

Gender:

Points: 2099
Reviews: 355

Sat May 07, 2011 1:56 am

LadySpark says...

Hi! Here to review this awesometastic first chapter! Its gonna be aweosme, so lets get started!

Pre-paring for the wedding,

preparing

such a shook to her,

shock

for-what

for what no -

the dress is perfect

The

taking her hand.

Tia's hand? or Kelly's?

"Not Hugh, mom!

If the food doesn't hurry up; I'll have to leave or else face being killed!"

Who said this?

So, some spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, but I still think this is really good. Kudos. Remember to review your entry a few times and not trust spell check.It seems like a really nice start, but a little generic. make sure to keep it origanal! Let me know when you put out the next one. This is really good!

Loveness,

The Drama llama duck

hush, my sweet

these tornadoes are for you

-Richard Siken

Formerly SparkToFlame

Gender:

Points: 58538
Reviews: 553

Sat May 07, 2011 1:10 pm

MiaParamore says...

Thanks for supporting me, mum! :mrgreen:

Actually I meant 'shabby' exactly in the sense it is used in. There were so many mistakes that it didn't give a neat feeling to me, and I just said what I felt would be appropriate, but I am sorry if it hurt you. I really am. But sometimes bitter words help you out with your work and help you excel.

I am really sorry again.

"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore

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