Young Writers Society

Chapter 1: Heroes Aren’t Perfect

Anderton, CA
Monday
Police Station
9:15 P.M.

“So, kid, what’s your name?” a burly police officer asks from behind a two-way mirror.
“Will. Will Spencer,” the boy on the reflective end of the mirror answers. He knew this day was coming. He didn’t care.
“So, Will, why’d you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Become The Faceless?”
As soon as Will heard those three words, images flooded his mind. Innocents, bloody and half-dead. Him holding a bloodstained wooden stick. Him wearing a mask with no features.
“I was bored,” he answers, shrugging. He hears a faint hiss from behind the thick glass mirror.
“So, you were bored and you decided to punish criminals for it?” the man asks, a slight edge to his voice. He looks at the slightly built teenager in front of him. The only thing between them was a thick rectangular glass.
“Yep, I have ADHD so I can’t keep still,” Will answers. He fidgets on his chair.
“And you did this alone?”
“Uh-huh.”
“With no help whatsoever?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, you can go,” the bulky man opens the door. Will runs out and grabs his backpack.
“Great, I missed my curfew,” Will sighs, looking at his watch. He then laughs and looks at the policeman who let him out. Will smiles briefly. “I guess, in my case, that doesn’t exist.”
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Anderton, CA
Monday
Police Station
11:45 P.M.

“Jennifer Black, waitress at the Hap-Hap-Happy Café,” the burly officer says calmly to a woman seated at the opposite side of the table. The woman looks tired and uncomfortable.
“Uh-huh, why? I’m kinda sleepy, y’know,” the woman yawns.
“I hear you’re a pretty good swimmer, Black.”
“Well, yeah, I guess.”
“I guess this skill helped you on your exploits as The Tiger Shark?”
“What? Who?”
“Oh, don’t act so naïve, Jenny,” the officer answers, “We know who you are.”
“Fine, I’m The Tiger Shark, you caught me, whoop-dee-do,” Jennifer replies, rolling her eyes, “Can I go home and sleep now?”
“Yes you may,” the officer opens the door, mildly shocked that the woman hadn’t even made a slight effort to protect her secret identity. Jennifer walks out of the interrogation room and grabs her purse.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Hap-Hap-Happy Café
9:00 A.M.

Jennifer Black looks at the boy, the only current customer, sitting on one of the more excluded booths at the café. A man walks up to the counter and pulls out a note. Jennifer reads it.
Hand over the money

The man pulls out a gun and points it at Jennifer’s face. The hustle and bustle in the kitchen vanishes. Everyone looks at the man in front of the counter. The boy calmly stands up and heads for the door. The robber notices too. The would-be criminal spins around and shoots at the boy. Jennifer closes her eyes as she hears the bang. Then a resounding splurch. She opens her eyes, expecting to see a dead boy on the floor. Instead, a knife is sticking out of the robber’s face and there’s a hole on the door.
The boy looks back at the café behind him. He smiles and as he enters the school bus and shows his ID. The bus driver’s eyes widen as he looks at the name. Will Spencer. A well-known kid. Has the lengthiest school record in Anderton. All of it bad. And he never rode a bus. Until it was his last day at school. But today was just the first day.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Oak High
9:32 A.M.

Will takes in his surroundings. He looks at the janitor closet, slightly obscured to his left. He smiles as he realizes what he was about to do. This was gonna be his last day of school. And he was leaving it with a bang. Then, his plans fall into pieces as a girl passes by him. He looks at her. She turns around and looks back. His eyes widen. He had never hoped to see the face again. Yet, here she was. Valerie Kern, daughter of Jonah Kern, president of Sentinel Industries. Will turns back and growls. She had ruined his plans. Here he was, The Faceless, and there she was, The Mystery. Both mysterious and both heroes, rival to one another. They tried to best each other’s latest heroic act. When Will moved, the initial flames of rivalry have been converted into mere sparks. Now, those sparks have turned back into flames. More dangerous than before. Will turns around again, expecting to see Valerie just standing there. Instead, she had blended into the growing swarm of students separating into classrooms. He joined the swarm with a frown on his face. He cursed the need to keep a watch on Valerie.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Oak High
1:45 P.M.

“That was the shortest school day I’ve ever seen,” Will mutters to himself. He hears an intake of breath behind him. He turns around. Two burly teenagers look down at him. The teenagers sneer.
“Well, hello, I’m Will. What’s your name?” Will asks in a cheerful tone. Laying it on thick, man, a voice in his head says. The teenagers look at him.
“I’m Robert, this is Gerald,” the bigger of the two growls. Will shrugs and pulls out his wallet.
“So, how much you planning to get from me?” Will squints at them, reaching into his wallet. The bullies smile.
“All of it,” the smaller of the two, Gerald, answers. Will clicks his tongue and puts his wallet back into his backpack.
“I’m afraid not, Jerry,” Will sighs, sounding frustrated. He pulls out a throwing knife from one of his pant pockets. He holds the blade and raises it above his head in a backward arc. Before he had the chance to throw, he hears a terrible whizzing sound and feels the knife being snatched from his hand. He looks at the wall. The knife was pinned to the wall with an arrow through its wooden handle. Will chuckles.
“Valerie, I know you’re in there, uh, somewhere,” Will laughs into the crowd. The girl he had seen at the beginning of class stepped out, a bow in her hand and her backpack acting as a quiver for her arrows.
“Hey, Will, how ‘bout we take this outside school grounds?” Valerie asks calmly.
“Eh, why not.”
“C’mon then.”
“You first, toots.”
Valerie runs and jumps above the low gate, designed to keep cars away. Will runs after her, already taking of his shirt, revealing a black buttoned-up vest layered above a brown long-sleeve shirt filled with black stripes. He pulls on a mask, obscuring his face completely, yet leaving his hair free in the wind. Will pulls on gloves and jumps over the low gate.
“Stupid, pathetic, imbecile, yet strangely cute, Will,” Valerie sighs to herself. She pulls of her shirt, revealing a white top with a single black circle over the left chest. She smiles to herself, putting on a white mask, much like Will’s. Will stops in front of her.
“Hey, Val,” he answers, pulling out a black-handled wooden stick from his back. Valerie laughs.
“You’re gonna fight me with that?” she giggles, pointing at Will’s stick. Will shrugs his shoulder.
“I’m good with it, am I not?”
“I guess.”
“Well? Let’s do this, Valerie.”
“Wait. What does the winner get?”
“I dunno, world peace or some beauty queen crud.”
“How about, this: the winner gets whatever she wants from the winner?”
“You only said she. It’s supposed to be he or she.”
“We all know who’s gonna win.”
“Yes. Me.”
“Shaddup, Will.”
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Hap-Hap-Happy Café
3:00 P.M.

Jennifer Black looks at the TV screen. Her eyes widen at what she sees. Two kids, in costumes, fighting each other in the middle of the park. Jennifer sighs. The kids had the nerve to reveal themselves, in public. She vaults over the counter and takes of her waitress outfit, revealing a wetsuit with shark-like fins behind each leg. She puts on a mask and pulls her hair out of the small hole on the back, making it a ponytail.
“Suit? Ripe and ready?” Jennifer mutters under her breath, noticing the people staring at her.
“Yes, Jenny,” an electrical voice replies. Jennifer runs out the door and jumps into the river behind the café. At the rate she was going, she could reach the park, 12.1 miles away, in 11 minutes. People grope for their phones and cameras, hoping to get a photo of Jennifer in her alias, Tiger Shark. She was a well-known hero throughout California. Especially among fish lovers.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Milton Park
3:15 P.M.

Valerie glares at Will. He had a knife at her throat and she had an arrow nocked and aimed at his throat. It was a standstill. Both knew the other was not afraid to kill and die. Will smirks at Valerie.
“What are you smirking at?” Valerie asks, angry. Will smiles.
“Oh, you remind me of my aunt. She…” Will ends his sentence abruptly and kicks Valerie’s bow up. The bow lands behind him with a thud. He smirks again.
“Never let your guard down. Pretend to say something and then attack,” Will turns to the crowd. He hears a small sound behind him.
“I wouldn’t wanna do that if I were you.”
Will’s ears perked up at the new voice. It was female, possibly a few years older than him. He turns around and looks at the figure. A woman, obvious by her ponytail and figure, steps out from the river running behind the park. Her costume was obviously far more advanced than Will’s or Valerie’s. The glass lenses over the eyes were connected to speakers fashioned over the ear, giving her auditory and visual senses a boost. Her costume had an orange and black color scheme. Yet, the fins behind the legs didn’t suggest any land animal. It could only be one person.
“Tiger Shark, California’s official hero,” Will growls at the familiar figure. The woman looked at him, one hand on her hips.
“Yeah, so?” Tiger Shark calmly says to him.
“I’ve heard of you. I guess you’re also famous back at New York,” Will explains, an obvious edge to his voice.
“Oh. So you must’ve met my brother, then.”
“Who?”
“Y’know, The Great White.”
A murmur spread through the crowd. The Great White was the fiercest hero in the world. He had taken down an attempted invasion single-handedly. His fists could break the toughest metal. At least, the rumors said so.






























Chapter 2: Something Fishy

Mantillon, NY
Tuesday
1750 Main St.
3:18 P.M.

Clint Black looks at the TV screen, eating a microwaveable dinner. He usually didn’t use the TV because he was trying to lessen his electric bill. Now, here he was watching it. He had heard that The Tiger Shark was on TV.
“Oh. So you must’ve met my brother, then,” The Tiger Shark said.
“Who?” the kid asked, confused.
“Y’know, The Great White,” his sister had replied. Clint Black was known to most as Great White, the fearless hero and icon of Mantillon. He chuckled. His sister tended to be careless with her mouth. He stashed the dinner in his fridge, half-eaten. He then put on his costume, a white wetsuit with a dorsal fin on the back. He put on the mask his sister had made for him. It was like hers. Except, where hers was black with two orange stripes above and below the eyes, his was white with two gray stripes. He hears the click as his doorknob was unlocked. He resumes a fighting stance. He was headed for the pier, where he heard a drug deal was going on.
His landlord walked into the door, expecting a man, eating dinner. Instead, there was the Great White. He shrieked in surprise.
“Th-the Great White! What’re you doing here?” the landlord exclaimed, pointing. The Great White sneered at him.
“I’m known to you as Clint Black, or mister No Payments,” The Great White growled. The landlord was confused. Then realization dawned on him.
“Clint! I-I didn’t know! Sorry. Here, how ‘bout this? Let’s go to my office and let’s make a deal…”
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Milton Park
3:22 P.M.

“Will…” Valerie warned. Will looks at her. She sees his mask twitch. He was smiling.
“Lady, you like fish?” Will asks, looking at the female hero in front of them.
“No. I’m vegetarian,” the woman replies.
“I like your suit. Shows off your curves,” Will continues, gesturing at the woman. She blushes at the comment. She retains her calm façade.
“Thank you, I made it myself,” she replies coldly. Will puts out his right hand at her.
“Well. Nice to meet you. Name’s Faceless. Call me Will, though,” Will says, his hand stretched out. The woman takes it and starts to shake it. He grabs her wrist with his left hand and throws her over his shoulder. She screams in agony as her left shoulder was dislocated.
“Gahahahaha! Did you see the look on her face?” Will laughed as he looks down at the woman. Jennifer looked back at him. She felt faint. She struggled to open her eyes.
“Will! You knocked her out unconscious!” Valerie screams, panicking. Will stops her.
“We’ll take her to the hospital. I was testing her. She’s an amateur,” Will says, making the crowd gasp. He looks up at them.
“GO AWAY! NOW! OR I’LL HANG EACH OF YOU ON INDIVIDUAL TREES! BY YOUR INTESTINES!” Will screams, scaring the crowd. The crowd thins quickly. He pulls out a phone and calls the hospital.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Altonius Hospital
3:27 P.M.
Johnson McDonald looks at the woman in front of him. She had a dislocated shoulder and some bruises. He takes of her masks. He gasps. The woman. She was mesmerizing to him. Her lips sparkled. Her hair was as smooth as silk. It was hard to believe that she was just a waitress.
“Wh-where am I?” she asks, her voice had obvious pain in it. She tried to sit up. She groaned as she felt an intense pain on her stomach. Johnson gently pushed her down on the hospital bed.
“Altonius Hospital. Two kids brought you in. They’re outside. You wanna talk to ‘em?” Johnson asks her. She nods. Johnson opens the door. A boy and a girl walk in. Jennifer looked at them with a confused expression.
“Do I know you?” Jennifer asked. The two kids nod.
“Yes, you do, I dislocated your shoulder a few minutes ago,” the boy said, chuckling. She felt a wildfire of rage go through her system. She put her mask back on and jumped for him. He easily dodges her attack and sits down on a chair.
“I was testing you,” Will smugly says, his arms crossed. “I’ve been on the hero biz for 3 years.”
“I’ve been on this for 7,” Jennifer says, brushing the dust from her shoulder. “Where’d you learn moves like that?”
“I was trained in a monastery,” Will answers. She squints her eyes in suspicion.
“Just kiddin’. I watch moves from videogames,” he answers, laughing. A woman walks into the room.
“Ms. Black?” the woman asks.
“Yeah?” Jennifer answers, taking in the woman’s worried face.
“I-it’s your b-brother,” the woman sobs. She burst into tears as she continued. “H-he was f-found dead. No evidence can be found to pin-point the k-killer.”
Jennifer’s eyes widen at the news. She had lost her brother, her only living relative. She sat down. She feels a tear make its way down her cheek. She sobs and cries, her head in her hands.
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Mantillon, NY
Tuesday
1750 Main St.
3:20 P.M.
5 minutes before Clint Black’s death

“So, what’s the deal?” Clint asks, looking around the room.
“Here. You know these guys?” the landlord, Charles Charleston, asks, calmly putting a picture in Clint’s hands.
“What the-? Wait, these are the drug-dealers back last year. I tried to help ‘em they accidentally fell off the roof on the warehouse back at the pier.”
“They were my siblings.”
“What? I tried to help them. You can’t blame me,” Clint says defensively. Charles pulls out a knife from his sleeve.
“This fabric can’t be cut through by knives,” Clint explains. Charles jumps at him and pushes him down to the ground.
“What are you doing?” Clint asks nervously. Charles pulls of his mask. Clint tries to stand up. Surprisingly, Charles was stronger than he looked.
“Any last words, Black?”
“For the first time in a long time,” Clint feels a tear run down his cheek, “ I can’t think of anything.”
Then, Clint Black, the Great White, died. His throat slit and his body red from his own blood.
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
Altonius Hospital
3:33 P.M.

“Hey, c’mon, get over it,” Will smirks at Jennifer. Valerie elbows him in the stomach.
“We’re sorry, Jenny,” Valerie whispers, gripping Jennifer’s shaking shoulders. Will pushed the woman who had reported to Jennifer out of the room. He slams the door close.
“Okay. Someone’s obviously after us,” Will mutters, pacing back and forth.
“What? How would you know?” Valerie, skeptic, asks.
“Just a few days ago, the hero team Numerical separated after 1 died,” Will explains. “And now, Great White.”
“So?”
“Someone’s targeting heroes. Or vigilantes. We have to get to him, or her, before he, or she, does.”
“Okay, how do we do that?”
“We call for back-up.”
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Anderton, CA
Tuesday
1473 Rome St.
3:45 P.M.

“Okay, how did you get 7’s number?” Valerie, in her uniform, asks Will.
“We were pals. And I have a good feeling you guys would like him,” Will slyly chuckles. The taxi stops and they step off. Valerie gives the nervous driver the fare. They step up to the house. Will runs and rings the doorbell.
“I win,” he smirks.
“Loser,” Valerie teases. A man opens the door.
“Wait. Johnson McDonald?” Jennifer, who was silent until then, asks, surprised.
“What?” Johnson says. He shrugs his shoulder.
“Can we come in, Sev?” Will asks. Johnson nods. Valerie shrieks in realization.
“You’re THE 7?” Valerie asks.
“Yes.”
“Whoa. Cool.”
“Thank you.”
Then Will stabbed Johnson McDonald in the face. Blood spurted out as Will slashed and hacked repeatedly across his face. After 3 seconds, Will’s job was done.
“WILL!” Valerie screams in terror. Will looks at her.
“He wasn’t 7,” Will explains. He walks into the house. Valerie and Jennifer also walk in, making thumping noises. Will puts up his hand to shush them. The whole house was silent. Will then proceeds to walk toward the closet under the stairs. He opens it.
“Ah. Here we are,” Will chuckles as he unties the real Johnson McDonald, who was tied up in his own closet.
“FL?” Johnson gasps out when Will removed his gag.
“Hey, Sev. We need help.”

Hi there Ctrl. Lavs in to review as requested.

Okay. I'm going to get right to the review.

A) Don't be so tense. Pardon the pun, but it's true. You seem to be switching tenses from present to past quite frequently and it muddles the story-line. I'm confused about whether you would like the narrative in the past or the present. It is, obviously, your decision in what tense it should be in. And I'm not going to point out those spots where you tend to muddle around a bit because I, personally, think it should be yourself to find them. Hint: quite a few are in the beginning of your story.

B) Be realistic. Okay, so, from what I've read, these police are finding these murderers or something? And then they let them go after interrogation? That really does not make any sense. I mean, if I were the police, I'd most likely keep these criminal offenders inside, right? I find it a little stupid and nonsensical to let Will and Jennifer go. It makes no sense whatsoever and it isn't realistic at all. Sure, this may change the whole feel of your novel, but you have to stick to facts when writing a mystery. Unless it's some sci-fi/fantasy mystery. Then that's a whole different story.

C) Paint a rainbow. Currently, your story is a little lacking in feeling and description. The majority of it is dialogue and I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, but too much of it can be overwhelming for the reader and it doesn't aid in description. Description is just as or even more than dialogue, because dialogue is just filler and is only characters interacting. A fiction novel is mostly based on prose, of course there is dialogue, but it's second best to prose. However, this doesn't mean to have no dialogue and all narration, because that's just as boring.



So, there were a few times when you missed things and I'm not going to point them out because you should have done a quick edit before you posted If you quickly read over every, you're sure to find one or two. I dislike picking out everything for writers in their works, because, in reality, editors don't really do that. They may only circle an area and specify that it needs to be looked over.

Overall, I'm not so sure about this. It seemed more like a movie script than the start of a novel/novella because of all the dialogue and the lack of detail. I'm also rather confused about what's going on because there's the sudden introduction of all these different people and their titles.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hello! Happy Review Day!

So I must say, though I haven't read the whole thing yet, I'm enjoying it so far. I guess I've always been a sucker for comic-book heroes and such, but this is fun. And I can definitely tell so far there's a playfulness to it that I just love so much. And at first I wasn't sure, but now I'm liking the timestamps. Hopefully we keep the military feel through the whole thing though. Don't force them, but the timestamps do help with the military lifestyle of a superhero. They've got places to go, people to see. ;D

By now, I'm having a hard time distinguishing the two characters. They both sound like they're coming from the same person and aren't they're own unique self. They try to fit their personality, but eventually, they end up sounding cardboard. I know that sounds confusing, so let me find an example. Here:

“Hey, Val,” he answers, pulling out a black-handled wooden stick from his back. Valerie laughs.
“You’re gonna fight me with that?” she giggles, pointing at Will’s stick. Will shrugs his shoulder.
“I’m good with it, am I not?”
“I guess.”
“Well? Let’s do this, Valerie.”
“Wait. What does the winner get?”
“I dunno, world peace or some beauty queen crud.”
“How about, this: the winner gets whatever she wants from the winner?”
“You only said she. It’s supposed to be he or she.”
“We all know who’s gonna win.”
“Yes. Me.”
“Shaddup, Will.”

There are a couple points to make just from this (like why does Val mock his use of a staff when she should already know this by now), but the main purpose is to point out the characterization via dialogue. Typically, when a dialogue conversation is styled like this (with no description or tags), it should be simple to tell which person is saying which line. But I found myself having to go back to trace out who said what. I couldn't figure out who said "Wait. what does the winner get?" without having to double check in the previous line that Valerie was addressed by the speaker. There's also a spot "You only said she. It's supposed to be he or she," which threw me for a loop. This would be typically said by someone who pays attention to detail. That and probably naive since he wasn't clever enough to pick up on the implication right away. At the beginning, Will definitely did not seem like that kind of person. He seemed more laidback and would take things as they come. Basically, twist situations for his favor. So in this situation, I expected a clever response like, "Anything he wants... sounds like a plan." I can't think of anything 'cause I'm not that clever. xD But yes. And thirdly, the "Shaddup, Will" was a blow in my mind concerning Val's personality. Is she kick-butt who plays innocent? Or is she really such an offensive person who'd all of a sudden tell someone to shut-up?

This is something that occurs over and over through your piece, so look into that when you edit! Be sure to clear up just what kind of people these characters are, and make it obvious in their words and actions.

Then there's your description or narration. I think the person above me mentioned that this sounded like a movie rather than a story, and there's a clear difference with how each is written. With writing, the author has to make clear what kind of setting the characters are in while describing what the characters are possibly doing here while making clear who these characters really are while etc. In movie scripts, you can say the setting. Then you move on to say what's happening. Then you move on to the dialogue. The actors take over as to how these characters are really produced. Writing is a bit more challenging 'cause it's all you!

So with this in mind, the description could definitely be beefed up a bit. There are times where I was confused as to where they are. For instance, when the school day ended, I had no idea they were in a park. In fact, I didn't know if that fight with the two bully whozzits was inside the school, on school grounds at all, or somewhere else entirely. Each place has a very unique environment that can affect the outcome of fights or anything else happening (in this case, fights). And also try to focus more on the actions rather than appearance. This is something most of us fall for at first, and I am a huge example of someone who does this. Still. Anyway, though some details are important, and with superheroes, costumes are extremely important, we want to balance it out with enough action sequence to make the reader fight through the appearance description. You know the phrase Don't judge a book by its cover? This is a good example for this situation. The appearance is good, but we really want to know who they are by what they say and do.

The action sequence is definitely coming along though. Unfortunately, from what I've read so far, I only saw the end of said fight. But it was still awesome how you set up their stances. Not entirely sure why Will would tell the crowd his secrets to winning? Is he a teacher or something? xD I guessed him to not really care about how others fight.

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That's all I've got to say. I think this story is going to turn out really cool! Unfortunately, I think this would make a much cooler graphic novel (comic book). Novels have a different style to them, unless you can win the reader over to a new one. It has to be a style that makes sense to your story! I think you're on the right track though. Definitely have a cool idea to play with. My first novel was also about superheroes much like this one! Made it through almost two books before I decided it was getting too cliche for any good. xD It was still loads of fun to write, and I predict you're having fun with this one!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!