Young Writers Society

Life was never easy for Little Bear - Mummy Bear loved her very much. It may seem strange that these two things should be together, after all, for Mothers to love their children is a very good thing, but for Little Bear this was a very, very bad thing.

You see, life was never easy for Mummy Bear, either.

When Mummy Bear was just small, Nanny Bear wasn’t very kind to her. She made her drag her sore paws back and forth through the forest fetching things, or made her do chores all day long. Mummy Bear had brothers and sisters, too, but Nanny Bear told Mummy to wash and tidy and run on errands because Mummy was a good bear, when she was just small. She did everything she was told, and even though Nanny Bear wasn’t very kind to her, Mummy loved her none the less.

Now, nobody knows why she loved Nanny Bear, but she did so anyway. She did so without question.

When Mummy Bear was all on her own at night, she would think to herself and dream of what it would be like when she grew up.

‘I’ll have a little girl,’ she said to herself, as she looked up at the stars from her bed on the branch. They sparkled through the leaves, and every once in a while one would shoot past faster than anything she had ever seen. Then Mummy Bear would make a wish. ‘I wish, very much, that I will have a little girl. I will be very kind to her. I will give her lots of honey, and a warm cave to sleep in. She won’t ever have to go back and forth through the forest fetching things, and she will never have to do any chores at all. I’ll love her a lot, and we will be happy together.’

Every night under a blanket of cold and darkness she wished, and wished with all her heart. And then she grew up.

When she did grow up she had other children, but they were all boys. When she finally had her little girl she was overjoyed! She held Little Bear tight, and wrapped her in blankets of leaves and fed her on the richest honey. For a while life was perfect.

Little Bear wasn’t happy with the richest honey though. You see Little Bear was a smart little bear, and she liked to jump and climb and never sit still. She didn’t mind fetching things, because she liked to run around. She didn’t like being given honey though, because she preferred to watch the bees buzzing than knock them down. She liked to eat lots of different things that were good for her, not just honey.

Mummy Bear gave Little Bear lots of other good things too, like smooth branches and toys, and tried to keep Little Bear wrapped up safe and tucked away. She wanted Little Bear to love her, and hug her, but Little Bear just wanted to run around and play a lot. Mummy worried all the time, and got confused and upset.

What Mummy didn‘t understand was that Little Bear needed someone strong to be a parent. Mummy was not strong, and when Little Bear misbehaved, Mummy would give her whatever she wanted so that she would be happy. All Mummy wanted was for Little Bear to be happy. She gave her all the things that she never had when she was little, but Little Bear didn’t want any of that.

Little Bear laughed a lot and liked to talk, but Mummy wanted a little bear who would be seen and not heard, who would sit on a stool like a teddy bear. She wanted a little bear who would not ask questions, and not wonder off. Little Bear didn’t like sitting on stools, she liked asking questions, and finding new things. Little Bear got very angry because she was bored and frustrated, and Mummy Bear didn’t understand why.

Then one day, Little Bear got sick. Mummy Bear was very worried, and as usual, she cared for Little Bear very much. She brought her the best honey, and wrapped her in a blanket, and Little Bear smiled to herself.

She would say; ‘how lucky I am! Mummy Bear cares about me so much, and she looks after me when I’m sick.’

Mummy liked this. When Little Bear got sick, she would not wander too far, or run around too fast. She would not ask too many questions, and she would stay quiet. And more than that, she would smile and thank Mummy Bear for looking after her.

Mummy Bear, who worried about things all the time anyway, noticed this. Next time Little Bear was looking even a little ill, Mummy jumped up and started taking care of her. When Little Bear ate something that gave her a bad stomach or spent too long in the cold, Mummy would give her honey and wrap her in a blanket of leaves.

Little Bear was a strong bear though, and she didn’t get sick very often. So one day, Mummy Bear got some food for Little Bear.

‘Look!’ She said. ‘I found some berries that you like, and I put them all together and made dinner for you.’

Little Bear was very happy, because Mummy gave her honey all the time, and Little Bear liked not having to eat the same thing every day. So she ate up hungrily.

And so they lived happily every after… yes?

Here, my friends, is where you stop telling this story to your children, for if it were a happy story then this would be the ending. Behold that what Little Bear didn’t know was that Mummy Bear had put a different kind of berry in with the food, one that she knew wouldn’t be good for Little Bear at all.

Little Bear got sick, and Mummy nursed her back to health, and Little Bear was happy with that. She smiled, and thanked Mummy for taking care of her.

Little Bear got sick more and more. Mummy would say; ’You don’t look well. Here, have this berry, it will make you feel better.’

‘I feel fine,’ Little Bear would say, but Mummy would make her eat it anyway.

All Mummy was doing, after all, was taking very good care of Little Bear. She loved her: as mothers should. She loved her very, very much, and now she had done something good. Now Little Bear loved her too. She even took Little Bear to see the doctor sometimes, and the other animals in the forest would say ‘look how well she takes care of her daughter, she must love her very much.’

As Little Bear got older she knew something was strange, and when she started asking questions to other people, like ‘why does that berry my mum give me make me sick?’ Mummy Bear would take her away, and keep her inside.

Little Bear grew weak because she didn’t get to go out, or run around, and all she ate were those strange berries, and honey. Bears cannot survive on only bad berries and honey.

Weaker, and weaker again she grew, until she was too weak to go outside even if she wanted to. She couldn’t find good berries, and she couldn’t watch the bees, and she couldn’t ask questions.

Eventually Little Bear grew so weak that she couldn’t breath anymore.

Mummy Bear cried a lot. She cried, and cried, and when she stopped crying she spent all her time looking at pictures calved into the trees, and remembering her little bear, who was always weak and sick - her little bear who was seen and not heard, who didn’t run around or ask questions.

Her little bear who had loved her, very, very much.


[Dedicated to the victims of Munchausen by Proxy.]
[http://www.scribd.com/doc/90980/Munchausens-Syndrome-by-Proxy]

Life was never easy for Little Bear - Mummy Bear loved her very much. It may seem strange that these two things should be together, after all, for Mothers to love their children is a very good thing, but for Little Bear this was a very, very bad thing.

It kind of seems like the last sentence is a run on, maybe you could add a period or two? (:

But other than that, the story was perfect. It had such a deep meaning to it, I really did love it. It inspires me and I like the way you write, It's very catchy :]

Excellent story! I read of a mother who would put the contents of her infant daughter's diaper into her IV, and then keep a blog about her sick kid. I guess people like that feed off the sympathy of others.

I love the way you frame this as a children's story, seeing as kids would be the ones most at risk. Nothing really to say about grammar and spelling, you've got that nailed.

Ironically, the only criticism I can really offer here is the frame as well. It seems to trivialize, almost, the situation. While the message certainly comes off as serious and the frame here was meant more to shock, I get a feeling that this is a situation that could have benefited from human characters and a more fleshed out story. This is just me, however.

Excellent job nevertheless. I'm going to have to check out other stories by you if they are at least at this level of writing.

Your bear,
cC

Hi there, Tenoo. Lavvi in as previously requested.

This was different. It was nothing like I expected and, I think, it emanated a very melancholy feeling. It was very sad and I have to admit my eyes did well up with some tears. But let's get to the real substance of this review.

A) Don't downplay. This is very good and I do understand that the simplicity of the writing affects the mood. However, I also found that there were times when parts seemed rather unprofessional and others not so much. It sometimes downplays the effect of being serious and makes it almost seem like it is just your average bear tale. For example, I really enjoyed the paragraph where you describe Mummy Bear gazing up at the stars during her youth. It had a very beautiful simpleness about it, but then later your story just kind of goes downhill in parts.

B) Be careful in second person. I have to admit you pulled off the second person narrative quite well. It's not everyday I read something that uses it and if I do, most times the writer doesn't know how to properly execute it. However, there were parts that just got to me:

Here, my friends, is where you stop telling this story to your children, for if it were a happy story then this would be the ending. Behold that what Little Bear didn’t know was that Mummy Bear had put a different kind of berry in with the food, one that she knew wouldn’t be good for Little Bear at all.

I think it was a little too formal, even for the style of your writing for the story in a whole. It just felt...like some person at a press conference giving a lecture to juvenile delinquents. That's only a personal opinion, though, keep in mind



I found only a few, that were probably due to some typos/fast typing. It happens to me a lot.

She made her drag her sore paws back and forth through the forest fetching things, or made her do chores all day long.

Isn't "fetching things" and "doing chores all day long" pretty much the same thing?

She wanted a little bear who would not ask questions, and not wonder off.

"Wonder" should be "wander".

She would say; ‘how lucky I am! Mummy Bear cares about me so much, and she looks after me when I’m sick.’

I think the issue here is pretty self-explanatory


Overall, it was interesting. It was definitely not a feel-good story, like I predicted it was from the title, but I liked it. It was cool how you took a popular tale and switched into a darker, more serious theme/tone.

Yours,
Lavvi

Tenyo, every time I read one of your pieces I am amazed. You always come off so strong! But I suppose being 100 years old you have had a lot of time to practice.

I really liked how you kind of wrote this like it was intended for children. It wasn't what I expected in the beginning or from the title at all.

I didn't really like the beginning of this. Maybe the first few sentences could be rewrote so they are less all over the place. Right now they are just a bit confusing. I had to read them twice to make sure I knew what you were trying to say and I had no idea what to expect after I read them.

One thing I am left wondering about is the families of these three girls. Yes you mention that Mummy bear had siblings and that little bear had siblings, but they don't actually come into the story. Why didn't both the mothers abuse their other children? I am assuming that Mummy was abused. I am also wondering where Daddy bear is. I would like to see what sort of reaction he would have. These are just the questions I have to mention because you never want to leave your reader in question when writing a short story.

I can only remember finding one nitpick:

Mummy Bear cried a lot. She cried, and cried, and when she stopped crying she spent all her time looking at pictures calved into the trees, and remembering her little bear, who was always weak and sick - her little bear who was seen and not heard, who didn’t run around or ask questions.

Do you mean carved?

I hope I helped,

A. S.

P.S. if you have any questions P.M. me!

The beginning really drew me in, with the unusual way of telling it in an almost fairytale way. It seemed to be a nice story about a lovely little bear, but as it got further on, it became even deeper. A few things, the description at the beginning was great, but you haven't done that much description at the end. Also, there is no mention of a Daddy Bear (stereotypical as it is), and also what happens to the other children? Why don't they suffer the same fate?

To be honest, it is a quite serious subject, so maybe the delivery wasn't quite right, however it is a unique way of getting a message like this across, and raising awareness.

Hi !

At first, I was expecting that I wouldn't like this and it would be some ridiculous children's story that's very cliche. However, I was pleasantly surprised! That twist was certainly unexpected and this is written in such a great way because it's a relatable story with pretend characters, (talking bears).

A few nitpicks:

Behold that what Little Bear didn't know was that Mummy Bear had put a different kind of berry in with the food, one that she knew wouldn't be good for Little Bear at all.

I don't like this here ^^ because you take a very strict turn at the start of this paragraph, from a happy-go-lucky kids' story- Here, my friends, is where you stop telling this story to your children,-into a darker twisted story, but when you say "Mummy Bear had put a different kind of berry in with the food, one that she knew wouldn't be good for Little Bear at all. " I feel like you were sugarcoating it again for the children. And since this is a darker tale, I recommend that you just tweak that a bit.

She cried, and cried, and when she stopped crying she spent all her time looking at pictures calved into the trees, I believe you mean carved.

I also really appreciated how you began your story with:

Life was never easy for Little Bear - Mummy Bear loved her very much. It may seem strange that these two things should be together, after all, for Mothers to love their children is a very good thing, but for Little Bear this was a very, very bad thing.

To sort of give us a warning that this story would end up darkly, but then you made me forget the beginning warning because of the frivolous nature of the story. It's almost like a "I told you so!" Kind of thing.

~BTM

In the beginning all I could think about was the show I used to watch when I was little, about Little Bear. It soon became clear, though, that this was a very different kind of story.

It was an interesting way to portray this disorder... However, I think at times you focused so much on telling us exactly what they were thinking... Well, I think you could benefit a little from having more show than tell. Or at least not telling us so specifically. We can infer some of their personalities and their way of thinking just by reading the different actions that take place, so getting really deep into their psychological mindset - all the technical stuff - isn't completely necessary, I don't think.

A couple of typos, but nothing big.

Really nice job on this. ^^ Keep writing.

I love this story! The characters are a little plain but i love it!!


It may seem strange that these two things should be together, after all, for Mothers to love their children is a very good thing, but for Little Bear this was a very, very bad thing. Instead of very very bad try horrid or another word that you like.

When Mummy Bear was just small, Nanny Bear wasn’t very kind to her. She made her drag her sore paws back and forth through the forest fetching things, or made her do chores all day long. Mummy Bear had brothers and sisters, too, but Nanny Bear told Mummy to wash and tidy and run on errands because Mummy was a good bear, when she was just small. She did everything she was told, and even though Nanny Bear wasn’t very kind to her, Mummy loved her none the less. Don't use Mummy so much... It's a little degrading.