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Disease chapter 2



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Points: 1137
Reviews: 7
Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:05 am
Chickensandwitch says...



This isn't my best work. It's kind of short, because this is a bit of a lull in the plot and I wanted to get out of it before it died to writer's block. but the next chapter will be longer. And better. Really .



Kierra reared on her hind legs, thumping her paws against the trash can. It was not the silver kind she was used to but instead the thick, square-like type that was almost impossible to knock over. She pushed against it with all her might, growling softly in frustration. Finally it tipped over with a loud crash. Kierra flinched and crouched, waiting for a human to come out and yell at her. As nice as humans were to provide her with food, she knew they didn’t like her stealing it from their trash cans.

Kierra took one of the trash bags that had spilled out of the can in her mouth and pulled. It tore open and a rush of scents came out at her: beef, carrots, bread, vegetables, rotting fruit, and cheese. Her mouth watered, and she imagined sinking her teeth into it all.

“Did you get anything?” Stone called. He padded over to her from the porch he had been nibbling cat food from. The street lights made his fur look an odd chestnut color and shadowed his huge head.

“We've got a feast!” Kierra grinned. “We might only need to raid one trash can tonight to get enough for the whole week.”

“Humans are so stupid,” Stone growled, glaring down at the garbage piled in the street. “They waste so much food. They don’t know what it’s like to not have enough to eat.”

“Well, it’s good for us at least.” Kierra said. Grabbing as much beef as she could hold in her mouth, she added “We’d better get this back to the cache before we get caught.”

It must not have come out that way, because Stone cocked his head at her.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He grumbled. “You look stupid and no one can understand you.”

Kierra nodded through the meat.

Taking food to the cache was a big deal that took all night. Kierra and Stone could only hold so much food in their
mouths and it was nearly a mile from the cache spot to the human neighborhood. They had to make multiple trips back and forth and knock over several trash cans. Kierra was exhausted by the time they had finished, but she knew this meal would last them nearly a week until the humans put the trash cans out again with fresh food.

“Pretty good job,” Stone commented as they lay beside their cache spot- a small opening in the bottom of a tree. He contentedly licked the chicken bone he had cleaned of meat and fat.

“Yeah,” Kierra said quietly. She had something to tell him, and she didn’t know how to say it. Her stomach churned with nerves.

Stone noticed her discomfort and narrowed his eyes. “What’s up?” he asked gruffly.

Kierra licked all the cheese off her hamburger to stall.

“I need to keep moving,” she said finally. “I can’t stay anymore.”

Stone didn’t say anything, eyes filled with shock.

“You saved my life,” Kierra said hastily. "I’ll be grateful to you forever. But I’m strong again now and I can take care of myself again. Part of the reason I came up from the south was to look for a mate. I need to start searching.”

The surprise in the old dog’s eyes turned to a dull sadness.

“And what are the other reasons?” Stone asked coldly.

“Um,” Kierra really didn’t want to tell him the truth. “I was just trying to get away from my family.”

That wasn’t a total lie, at least. She had been trying, desperately, to escape her family and all the other dogs in the area.

“Ah, young dogs.” He snorted, wagging his tail softly although the hurt in his eyes made them glitter.

“You know,” Kierra said, desperately wanting to comfort the old dog. “In the month I’ve spent with you you’ve become like family to me.”

“But now you want to start one of your own,” Stone sighed. “I understand.”

Kierra nodded silently. Grief suddenly overwhelmed her, swelling her throat and making it impossible to speak.

“Welp...” Stone said the way he always did when he ended a conversation. He got up stiffly and stepped forward, giving Kierra a rough lick on the forehead with his large tongue. “Good luck out there. Watch out for punk males and be careful.”

“I will,” Kierra promised, her blue eyes meeting the old dog’s brown ones. They were shadowed with worry. “I promise.”

Stone just nodded. The sadness in his eyes pierced her heart like a cat’s claws. Most likely, he would be alone for the rest of his life. She wished he could find a human owner, but who would take such an old and large dog?

Kierra turned and headed off into the woods. She only trotted a hundred feet before she had to stop and look over her shoulder. The sun was just rising, catching every silver hair on Stones face. He looked incredibly old and sad, but he stoically stood and started walking in the other direction. Suddenly he stumbled and collapsed onto the ground. As he scrambled back to his feet, Kierra could just make out a few drops of blood dripping from his jaws.

Fear seared through her, making the fur all down her back stand up and her paws tremble. No It can’t be! Kierra took a deep breath. He just stumbled a bit. He’s old, after all. Then when he stumbled, he bit his tongue. Yes, that’s it. Perhaps I should go and make sure he’s okay.

Instead, she sprinted as fast as she could, putting as much distance between them as possible.
Last edited by Chickensandwitch on Tue Apr 26, 2011 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:21 am
MandaPanda1031 says...



Green-Fragment
Red-correction
blue-my comments
Chickensandwitch wrote:KierraKiera or Kyra reared on her hind legs, thumping her paws against the trash can. It was not the silver kind she was used to but instead the thick, squarishsquare likesquarish is not a word so you might want to revise this type that was almost impossible to knock over. She pushed against it with all her might, growling softly in frustration. Finally it tipped over with a loud crash. Kierra flinched and crouched, waiting for a human to come out and yell as her. As nice as humans were to provide her with food, she knew they didn’t like her stealing it from their trash cans.

Kierra took one of the trash bags that had spilled out of the can in her mouth and pulled. It tore open and a rush of scents came out at her: beef, carrots, bread, vegetables, rotting fruit, and cheese. Her mouth watered and she imagined sinking her teeth into it all.

“Did you get anything?” Stone called. He padded over to her from the porch he had been nibbling cat food from. The street lights made his fur look an odd chestnut colorcolour and shadowed his huge head.

A feast.” Kierra grinned. “We might only need to raid one trash can tonight to get enough for the whole week.”

“Humans are so stupid,” Stone growled,a comma is not needed here glaring down at the garbage piled in the street. “They waste so much food. They don’t know what it’s like to not have enough to eat.”

“Well, it’s good for us at least.” Kierra said. Grabbing as much beef as she could hold in her mouth, she added “We’d better get this back to the cache before we get caught.”

It must not have come out that way, because Stone cocked his head at her.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He grumbled. “You look stupid and no one can understand you.”

YephirrYou may want to indicate what 'Yephirr' means.” Kierra yipped through the meat.

Taking food to the cache was a big deal that took all night. Kierra and Stone could only hold so much food in their
mouths and it was nearly a mile from the cache spot to the human neighborhoodneighbourhood. They had to make multiple trips back and forth and knock over several trash cans. Kierra was exhausted by the time they had finished, but she knew this meal would last them nearly a week until the humans put the trash cans out again with fresh food.

“Pretty good job,” Stone commented as they lay beside their cache spot- a small opening in the bottom of a tree. He contentedly licked the chicken bone he had cleaned of meat and fat.

“Yeah,” Kierra said quietly. She had something to tell him and she didn’t know how to say it. Her stomach churned with nerves.

Stone noticed her discomfort and narrowed his eyes. “What’s up?” he gruffedgruffed isn't a word but I don't know what you mean. You may want to revise or indicate what you mean..
Kierra licked all the cheese off her hamburger to stall.

“I need to keep moving,” she said finally. “I can’t stay anymore.”

Stone didn’t say anything, eyes filled with shock.

“You saved my life,” Kierra said hastily. “And I’ll be grateful to you forever. But I’m strong again now and I can take care of myself again. Part of the reason I can up from the south was to look for a mate. I need to start searching.”

The surprise in the old dog’s eyes turned to a dull sadness.

And the other reasons?” Stone asked coldly.

“Um,” Kierra really didn’t want to tell him the truth. “I was just trying to get away from my family.”

That wasn’t a total lie, at least. She had been trying, desperately, to escape her family and all the other dogs in the area.

Young dogs.” He snorted, wagging his tail softly although the hurt in his eyes made them glitter.

“You know,” Kierra said, desperately wanting to comfort the old dog. “In the month I’ve spent with you you’ve become like family to me.”

“But now you want to start one of your own,” Stone sighed. “I understand.”

Kierra nodded silently. Grief suddenly overwhelmed her, swelling her throat and making it impossible to speak.

“Welp...Not a word, indicate or revise.” Stone said the way he always did when he ended a conversation. He got up stiffly and stepped forward, giving Kierra a rough lick on the forehead with his large tongue. “Good luck out there. Watch out for punk males and be careful.”

“I will,” Kierra promised, her blue eyes meeting the old dog’s brown ones. They were shadowed with worry. “I promise.”

Stone just nodded. The sadness in his eyes pierced her heart like a cat’s claws. Most likely, he would be alone for the rest of his life. She wished he could find a human owner, but who would take such an old and large dog?

Kierra turned and headed off into the woods. She only trotted a hundred feet before she had to stop and look over her shoulder. The sun was just rising, catching every silver hair on Stones face. He looked incredibly old and sad, but he stoically stood and started walking in the other direction. Suddenly he stumbled and collapsed onto the ground. As he scrambled back to his feet, Kierra could just make out a few drops of blood dripping from his jaws.

Fear seared through her, making the fur all down her back stand up and her paws tremble. No It can’t be Kierra took a deep breath. He just stumbled a bit. He’s old, after all. And when he stumbled, he bit his tongue. Yes, that’s it. Perhaps I should go and make sure he’s okay.

Instead, she sprinted as fast as she could, putting as much distance between them as she possibly could.


Very good over all but you have quite a few words that aren't words. Perhaps you should state what you mean by them or revise them if they were typos.
  





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Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:54 pm
Rascalover says...



Hey,
I noticed you are kind pf new to YWS, so I just want to encourage you to go out and review other people's work. Now because I haven't read chapter one I can't comment on story developement and things of that nature, but I sure can go through and pick out grammatical errors and things of that nature. Now on to the meat of your review:

Finally it tipped over with a loud crash. Kierra flinched and crouched, waiting for a human to come out and yell as her.

This could be just a typo, but it should be yell at her.

Her mouth watered and she imagined sinking her teeth into it all.

There should be a comma after watered because you are combining two complete sentences with a conjunction. Conjunctions are words that follow a comma to combine sentences with similar ideas (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So)

“You look stupid and no one can understand you.”

There should be a comma after stupid because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

She had something to tell him and she didn’t know how to say it.

There should be a comma after him because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

“And I’ll be grateful to you forever. But I’m strong again now and I can take care of myself again.

Never start your sentences with conjunctions because it signals that the sentences are fragments instead of complete sentences.

Part of the reason I can up from the south was to look for a mate.

This might be just a typo, but it should be I came up from...

No It can’t be Kierra took a deep breath.

There should be a comma after be because there is a natural pause there.

And when he stumbled, he bit his tongue.

Re-word this so that you don't have to add a conjunction to the beginning.

This is a really unique idea, and I love the cliff-hanger at the end.

Happy Easter,
Tiffany :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:40 pm
Chickensandwitch says...



Thank you guys for reviewing this! I fixed it a bit. I'd just like to say that I only use so many fragments is that in real conversation, that's how people talk. I will tone the fragmenting down a lot, though.
  








sometimes i don't consider myself a poet but then i remember that i literally write poetry
— chikara