Young Writers Society

I. Artem

The constant sound of rain hitting the window pane, mixed with the buzz of lazy gossip and the haze of the cigarette smoke had given way to my half-conscious state of mind. The hot steam wafting up from my coffee, a drink I’d not touched for the better part of half an hour, only enhanced this mood. And so as I waited in this small, dingy café for someone who might never make an appearance, I was slowly falling asleep.

I was startled awake by the sudden screech of my watch. Its screen told me it was now 8:00 in the evening, and when the green light finally went off a band on the far side of the room began to play. Jazz music, I thought. They weren’t bad, but their rhythm was pushing me towards a familiar mood. It seemed there was a conspiracy to make me slumber. I wasn’t having it.

I forced my eyes open and sat straight, and taking the coffee cup in my hands I poured it down my throat.

This was an incredibly foolish move.

Though the drink had cooled somewhat since I’d purchased it, it was still hot enough that my entire mouth burned upon its consumption. In the frenzy of pain that ensued, the remaining coffee in the cup found its way onto my lap to stain my trousers. Yet despite all of this, I’d achieved my goal: I was wide awake.

The sleepy mood of the room shifted, and then completely disappeared. Suddenly the band’s music became faster and livelier; instantly the bustle of chatter became louder. I could see other people through the haze of smoke, two women at a table across the room, the barman arguing over prices with a half-tipsy man, and a boy too young to be in there—my age, probably—lighting up in the corner. I also heard the low ding of the bell as someone entered the atmosphere; Maria sat down opposite me.

She didn’t talk at first, too busy removing her beret and taking her hair out of its bun. It was a minor thing, but I disliked her hair. It wasn’t the blonde of when we were younger; it had taken on a brown hue during puberty. There was nothing wrong with the colour and she was not to blame, but I simply did not like the change.

When she was done, she looked over my shoulder before resting her grey eyes on me.

“What happened to you?” She didn’t sound concerned, but amused.

I glared at her, glancing up while vigorously rubbing at my stained trousers with tissue. “What happened? You let me wait for two hours, Maria. And they tried to take me again.”

She sighed. “Or maybe,” she said, as she handed me wet wipes from her handbag, “maybe the spirits weren’t trying to drag you back to the Other World, maybe the atmosphere of such a dirty little bar as this compelled you to sleep. Maybe it’s no conspiracy, but your own paranoia.”

“…Maybe.” I crumpled the wipes and the tissue into a ball and pushed it towards the table’s ashtray. I looked away from Maria, to the band. Their music had changed to what seemed more rock than jazz; certainly the sheer amount of expletives being used suggested this. The lead singer had his t-shirt clinging to his chest in perspiration, and as he screamed another note down the microphone he used a dirty yellow cloth to wipe at the sweat gathering on his forehead.

“Either way,” I said, turning back to my sister, “there was no need to keep me waiting. What did you want, anyway?”

She didn’t answer immediately. She had out a small mirror, like those you’d see a woman doing her make-up with, except she was only staring at it.

“It’s been six years, Art. Nearly seven.”

“You made a promise, Maria. We agreed you’d stay for ten—”

She waved a hand in the air. “Yes, yes, I made promises. As did you, before you nearly broke them all.” She placed the mirror on the wooden surface of the table, and rummaged around in her handbag for some time. This was starting to become annoying.

“Did you hit your head somewhere, Maria? Is that why you’re being so slow at everything today?”

She stopped searching for her mystery item to look at me, and she said:

“Perhaps.”

The searching resumed.

The rock/jazz band ended their song with a loud, four-letter curse to the applause of a few at the front, including one of the two women from earlier. I looked for the drunken man, but he was gone. My attention only returned to my table when a new coil of smoke joined the haze across from me. Maria’s face was unapologetic, the cigarette held familiarly in her hand. She blew smoke rings in my face when I frowned.

“Might as well join the crowd, yes?” She laughed at herself, a long high laugh which made a few people nearby turn to stare.

“When you said you’d stay for ten years,” I said dryly, “I hadn’t imagined you’d already planned how you would die.”

“Amusing.” She took a long draw on the cigarette, and I wondered if I shouldn’t say something against it. She was only fifteen, and wasn’t I her elder brother, after all? But then again, Maria had never thought of our relationship in terms of what we were in the Living World.

“Very amusing.” Her eyes were looking past me, towards the empty stage. “I want to go back, Art. I want to go Home.”

I was wrong. She wasn’t looking at me, wasn’t looking at anything. She was simply staring. A thousand-mile stare.

“…You know what happens when you break that promise,” I whispered. “You know you’ll never be at peace. They’ll hunt you, and they’ll—”

“I don’t give a damn about the Reapers. Let them haunt my every step; as long as I reach Home again I’m satisfied.” Her brow was marred by a scowl, but now her eyes were focused. They weren’t on me, but on the women at the table near the stage. By the time I’d glanced at the strangers and back to my sister, the foul expression had gone. Her face was set in such a state of melancholy as she looked at me that I focused my gaze downwards, at the dark knots in the wooden table.

“Please, Art. Please.”

I didn’t look at her. “What do you want me to say? That I want you to go? I don’t. I don’t hold you here, the promise—the pact—does. And if you don’t care what the Reapers do to you then…” I shrugged. “Then do as you like. But I…I need you here, Maria.”

“Don’t hate me, Art. I need to do this. To go back. I’m not like you; I don’t know how to live. I don’t care for the limitations of the Living, I just want that freedom again. Please don’t hate me.”

“…I need you here.”

I didn’t look up at her face, but I watched her hands slide across the table and hold mine in a warm clasp. We stayed like that for a long time, it seemed, until another band began to play, until the bustle of noise died down and people slowly began to leave. We stayed like that, until at some point I realized that my hands were cold and she was gone. Just gone. The only clue that she had ever been in the bar was the small mirror across from me and a dying cigarette in the ashtray.

I need you here.

Sprite! I missed you! D':
I was actually really, really excited when you posted a request on my WRFF thread so I jumped onto this piece right away. ^^
(Also, penguin revival needs more work. I think the fad has just worn out though.)

...

(I blame Skins and her Meerkats.)
Anyway!
Back to the review...

The constant sound of rain hitting the window pane, mixed with the buzz of lazy gossip and the haze of the cigarette smoke had given way to my half-conscious state of mind.

Wow, I think this is a heavy opening sentence. You used lots of specific descriptions so the reader has to read it slowly in order to build the correct picture. It's not bad but perhaps you can take one out or something just to make it easier but you don't have to. After reading it once carefully, it sounds good but it's all up to you. ^^

its screen told me it was now 8:00 in the evening, and when the green light finally went off a band on the far side of the room began to play.

I think you need a comma after 'off' no? I read it weird the first time and got confused. I don't know. I'm not the best comma-placement-knowing person out there...
I would take the comma after evening out and put it after 'off' but yeah...
Aren't I so very helpful? I apologize, I'm a bit rusty since I haven't reviewed in a while.

The lead singer had his t-shirt clinging to his chest in perspiration, and as he screamed another note down the microphone he used a dirty yellow cloth to wipe at the sweat gathering on his forehead.

Punctuation error here. ^^
Should be a period after microphone and I think the second part of this sentence needs some reworking. Maybe you just missed a word or something.

I was wrong. She wasn’t looking at me, wasn’t looking at anything. She was simply staring. A thousand-mile stare.

I really like how you worded this and how it connected to her previous behavior. Ah, I really like it. xD



Alright, I really liked this beginning and it was really interesting to read. Now, I think I have a hazy idea of your other version of Spirit Boy you had up. That was with the boy and the hobo guy that taught him how to do spirit things, no? I think that's what it was but I can't remember. Either way, I like this version a lot more. It seems more mature, interesting and holds a hint of mystery and suspense. The plot isn't too visible but you did a great job giving us the 'basic' details so we can infer what's going on without really knowing about it. Which I like. ^^

Now, I had just a minor issue with some of your descriptions. I liked them, don't get me wrong, but there were some parts where I felt you went in and got too specific with the descriptions. That may be nice for these types of settings and all but be more cautious around the future and try to not to linger on the unimportant matters too much. In some cases, I found the descriptions slightly stretched and some wordings to be weird but it's nothing much and it's alright to have some here and there so I won't get into it much. There was only sentence or two that I found but I can't find it now and I'm lazy. :D

As the for the opener, it was slow. It wasn't the best opener in the world but it was enough to keep the reader's attention so I applaud you for that. Also, you continued on with your chapter quite slowly which normally, I'd hate. Honestly, me and slow paced novels hardly ever get along but you were able to keep my interest in which was really weird. How did you do it? I'm not sure but it was neat. XD
You were able to mix in setting description and character thought with some interesting easy-paced scene here and there and blended them all perfectly so yes...I was impressed.

Now, there wasn't really much to this chapter that I can comment on. Basically we have a boy waiting for his so called 'sister' at a diner. This girl he meets wants to go 'home' and apparently she dies by doing so. Now, that's interesting, I've never really read anything where a character died in the first chapter besides in the novel, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" so yes, I enjoyed the little twist.

However, at the end - I thought Art's reaction to her was a bit slow and at one point, did not make me feel like he really cared of she stayed or not. If he wanted her to stay, if he needed her wouldn't he try to convince her more? He also mentioned that it was her choice so he'd be cool with it if that's what she chose. I'm not sure exactly, the more I think about it the more awkward it seems to me but that's probably just me. I don't know much about their relationship or the characters at this point so take this as a grain of salt.

Overall, I really liked it and I'm willing to follow this novel because it's by you and I like reading your stories. :D
Also, you were able to capture my interest in this which is normally hard to do since I'm a picky person. With that said, I hope this poor review helped at least in one area if not more and if you have any other questions, you know where to find me. ^_^

Keep writing!
-Pink

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review Now, I am not a fan of fantasy works, and I do say that I don't review fantasy in my thread, but because you asked so nicely I shall review this for you. Now I start off with grammar nit-picks then i go in to an overall view of what I think about your piece. I'll try my best for this review to be unbiased against fantasy works
Now on to the meat of your review:

The constant sound of rain hitting the window pane, mixed with the buzz of lazy gossip and the haze of the cigarette smoke had given way to my half-conscious state of mind.

There should be a comma after gossip because you are making a list of all the things that gave way to your half-conscious.

And so as I waited in this small, dingy café for someone who might never make an appearance, I was slowly falling asleep.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). Combined with a comma they connect two complete sentences with similar ideas together. When left at the beginning of a sentence it makes the sentence a fragment of sorts. I suggest putting a comma after so and getting rid of the comma after small. No, it doesn't take the and out of your sentence, but it does make and so a dependent clause.

Its screen told me it was now 8:00 in the evening, and when the green light finally went off a band on the far side of the room began to play.

There should be a comma after off because "when the green light finally went off" is a dependent clause connected to the rest of this sentence, and if you read it too fast then the sentence is confusing.

Jazz music, I thought.

Jazz music should be italized because it is a thought.

I forced my eyes open and sat straight, and taking the coffee cup in my hands I poured it down my throat.

There's a natural pause after hands, so there should be a comma there. "taking the coffee cup in my hands" is a dependent clause connected to the rest of your sentence. Along it could not stand as a sentence, and that is why there has to be a comma after it.

Though the drink had cooled somewhat since I’d purchased it, it was still hot enough that my entire mouth burned upon its consumption.

This is a good example of when to know to put a comma after a dependent clause. So, now that I know you know how to do it correctly I want you to go through this chapter and try to find the sentences that need commas and put them there.

In the frenzy of pain that ensued, the remaining coffee in the cup found its way onto my lap to stain my trousers.

There should be an apostrophe in it's because the coffee owns it's way.

There was nothing wrong with the colour and she was not to blame, but I simply did not like the change.

this is a run-on sentence because "there was nothing with the colour" and "She was not to blame" are both complete sentences. My suggestion is you take out the and after colour and put in a semi-colon.

You let me wait for two hours, Maria. And they tried to take me again.”

Avoid at all cost beginning a sentence with a conjunction. Replace the period after Maria with a comma and lower case and.

But then again, Maria had never thought of our relationship in terms of what we were in the Living World.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Take but out and capitalize then.

She was simply staring. A thousand-mile stare.

A thousand-mile stare is nto a complete sentence. There is no verb. Replace the period at the end of staring with comma and lower case a.

And if you don’t care what the Reapers do to you then…” I shrugged. “Then do as you like. But I…I need you here, Maria.”

Starting sentences with a conjunction is a no-no. I know you're probably tired of reading me type that, so fix this how you will just make sure the and and but don't start those two sentences

We stayed like that for a long time, it seemed, until another band began to play, until the bustle of noise died down and people slowly began to leave.

There should be a comma after noise died down because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

We stayed like that, until at some point I realized that my hands were cold and she was gone.

There should be a comma after cold because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Just gone.

This is not a complete sentence. I know it's sometimes the author's style to have fragments end with a period, but I don't think it looks good. So, I just thought I would point it out

I liked this, and I may keep reading it. So, you may have made me a fan of fantasy, bravo! I liked your story line, and I kind of can see where this is going. I loved the cliff-hanger. it leaves lots of questions in your end, and makes you want to read on. It was a slow read until the sister came in the plot, though, so maybe try and spice up the beginning. His feelings? His thoughts? Details and descriptions. If you have any questions or need another review please PM me or write on my wall.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hey there, Sprite! *pounces* I don’t know why I just did that but I did.

I won’t nitpick. There isn’t much to nitpick so I just won’t do it as long as you mind, instead, I’m going to do this:

Descriptions

Okay, this one may have more to do with the fact that I’m not familiar with “Spirit Boy” but your characters lack a good deal of description right now. I’ve no idea what age Art happens to be at though you do mention that Maria is younger. But with them in this coffee shop/bar kind of setting, age or at least the age they look I guess, would have been very helpful. By any means, not an “Art is 22” kind of statement but something to ease in the idea of him being older or younger.

The Coffee

This is just a bit of a silly pick I guess but you said that the coffee had been sitting in front of Art for nearly half an hour. And with my coffee experience, it’s usually not still steaming half an hour after pouring a cup nor is it crotch-scalding hot. So maybe, possibly, consider dropping the time of coffee-receiving to coffee-drinking but that’s just my note on keeping things just a bit more realistic (even if it is a fantasy novel).

Dialogue

I was really surprised by how natural and wonderful your dialogue was. (That makes it sound like I was expecting you to have horrible dialogue but that’s not what I meant.) It’s not often that you stumbled across a story with very simple, lovely and clean dialogue. So reading this (or any story really) and not having to point out uncomfortable dialogue in some part of the story is always really super awesome.

Psst: With the exception of this line:

“Did you hit your head somewhere, Maria? Is that why you’re being so slow at everything today?”

It seems pretty uncomfortable, especially the “being so slow at” part.

Le Mystery

I do like, probably most, how well you’ve managed to create a setting of haze and mystery. You’re setting us up for questions at the beginning and, hopefully, you’ll be answering them soon. (Remember not to wait so long that readers lose interest.)

Overall, I really enjoyed this, Sprite and I’m glad you asked me to review it for you.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM or drop a word on my wall.

~lilymoore

Howdy, Tigersprite! I am horribly sorry this is so late D: Been busy with life and all that wonderfullness.

Either way, truly sorry so I hope this review will be up to your standards!

Nit-Picks:

The hot steam wafting up from my coffee, a drink I’d not touched for the better part of half an hour, only enhanced this mood

Trying using dashes here instead of commas, seeing as its almost an add in character thought.

I forced my eyes open and sat straight, and taking the coffee cup in my hands I poured it down my throat.

You use the word 'and' far too much in this sentence. I know you only used it two times, but the redundancy is easily spotted by any reader and is seen as being either sloppy or the writer having a small vocabulary which I'm sure isn't the case here. Use a different connective word.

Though the drink had cooled somewhat since I’d purchased it, it was still hot enough that my entire mouth burned upon its consumption. In the frenzy of pain that ensued, the remaining coffee in the cup found its way onto my lap to stain my trousers.

Okay so, firstly, I want to add in that maybe you should add something about her throat being burned as well. Your tongue and throat are usually the things affected by hot substances so having the entire mouth makes it seem kind of... silly?

Secondly, you have the wording 'to stain my trousers'. I think you should reword this to ',staining my trousers'. It gives a nicer flow.

Yet despite all of this, I’d achieved my goal: I was wide awake.

Change the full colon to a semicolon!

The sleepy mood of the room shifted, and then completely disappeared. Suddenly the band’s music became faster and livelier; instantly the bustle of chatter became louder. I could see other people through the haze of smoke, two women at a table across the room, the barman arguing over prices with a half-tipsy man, and a boy too young to be in there—my age, probably—lighting up in the corner.

Firstly, take that first semicolon out and replace it with a period. Secondly, add in a semicolon after 'smoke' in the second sentence. You have a long line of descriptions of which should either follow after a semicolon or, if you wish it to be taken more as a list, a full colon.

I also heard the low ding of the bell as someone entered the atmosphere; Maria sat down opposite me.

Now you're starting to overuse your semicolons.

Semicolons are added merely for effect. To combine to sentences that have similar meaning. If you over do them, you lose that effect and the piece of punctuation that could be so useful becomes your worst enemy. Just like ellipsis.

She didn’t talk at first, too busy removing her beret and taking her hair out of its bun.

This here would be a prime example of where a semicolon could be used in proper retrospect. You have a spliced comma. Change it to a period if you don't change the semicolons prior to this line.

maybe the spirits weren’t trying to drag you back to the Other World, maybe the atmosphere of such a dirty little bar as this compelled you to sleep.

Spliced comma. I know this is a piece of dialogue but your commas should always be well placed in prose, no matter the sentence structure.

She placed the mirror on the wooden surface of the table, and rummaged around in her handbag for some time.

No need for the comma. It adds a pause that isn't necessary.

“Amusing.” She took a long draw on the cigarette, and I wondered if I shouldn’t say something against it. She was only fifteen, and wasn’t I her elder brother, after all?

Firstly, I initially believe that your protagonist was female because there were really no direct comments towards gender. Secondly, you give your characters a very adult, almost 30 year old sounding way of being. Then you throw it at us that shes fifteen.

That usually comes across as a cool twist of events. In this case, it makes it really hard to take your characters seriously. Ten years? I'm still a little curious as to what ten years has to do with anything.

I didn’t look up at her face, but I watched her hands slide across the table and hold mine in a warm clasp. We stayed like that for a long time, it seemed, until another band began to play, until the bustle of noise died down and people slowly began to leave.

You give two explanations here. I would change the second 'until the' to 'and'. That way, it will be as if the two explanations were connected instead of being two very separate ones which wouldn't make sense logically.

Overall:

Alright so, firstly, I would like to note up upon your structure. Its a little... rough, to say the least. You need to work mostly on your sentence structure. You throw around a lot of semicolons that aren't necessary and splice commas. Punctuation is one of the most vital parts of writing. If you can't get that down, its like trying to write a song without knowing how to read notes.

So, work on your commas.

Secondly, you give us our first glimpse into this reaper world. Thats cool and I would love to read more, but what I got from this was a very strange and very childish look at it. The whole 'you're supposed to stay here ten years' crap seems like your pulled it right out your... well, you get the point. I wouldn't throw around exact dates so much. Hint upon it like 'you're supposed to stay'. You don't have to give away the ten years thing because it sounds like you're throwing it in there for the readers sake.

But the reader doesn't need specifics yet.

Thirdly, I'd like to touch upon your character developement. From the start, I had imagined this protagonist of yours to be a girl. When I found out she was a he, I was a little shocked only because, since you are a female (if this informations is correct), it gave me a bit of a hard time trying to see any masculine tendancies in your character.

Of course, if you're anything like me, writing in the eyes of a male is also cool and, in my case, easier. But you need to know what you're doing.

That and you give the impression of people much older than what their ages are. This could also be good, if done right. In this section, I didn't get that so much. It almost felt like you were writing out these interesting characters then back tracking and throwing ages around that don't suit them at all. This is only what I got as a critical reader in the first few paragraphs of a novel, but they are important. If it were any other section but the start, I wouldn't be half as critical as right now.

Oh, that and lastly, I will have to disagree with a previous reviewer when it comes to starting a sentence with conjunctions. Its all fine and dandy to avoid them at all costs when it comes to essays or reports, but in prose, a silly rule like not starting a sentence with a conjunction can often be pushed off as long as you don't do it all the time.

So, please, don't take this too harshly!
~Walker

Heythere, Tiger! I feel like a horrible person for not reviewing this until now.

I'm not going to do nit-picks, because they're tedious, and there aren't really many things to nit-pick anyhow. I'm actually not sure there's much negative to say in general. :/ Dangit, Tiger! Okay, I'll try my best.

Firstly, though, let me say that I am extremely intrigued by this. I haven't read The Spirit Boy, but... I want to now! I love how in the beginning of the chapter, you don't really let on that there's anything supernatural. For all I know, it could be just any old café. And even once the brother and sister start talking, it takes a while for me to realize that there is something not-quite-normal. I love it. It makes the whole thing feel so believable--it's like you're writing about a place you've been, not about a place you've made up. I'm intrigued to know more about it in the same way I would be intrigued if I'd just stepped off of an airplane or boat or train or something--I want to explore it. It feels very real, and I think starting off in familiar, non-supernatural ground helped a lot with that.

Your characters are looking great, too. I'm getting mixed feelings about Artem, but in the best of ways. I think he's a very complicated fellow and I can't wait to get to know him better. I don't really know much about his sister, but I'm intrigued by her as well. I also really like the whole brother-sister relationship. There need to be more siblings in novels, methinks. There is something beautiful about it, isn't there? At first, when you were talking about how he didn't like her hair, I thought he was her boyfriend or something and he was kind of a creep--but I love the fact that he's her brother. Though I can't say I've ever been disappointed in the hair color of my younger sibling, I can definitely relate to the sense of nostalgia. Hm. I wonder if my big brothers dislike how my hair has gotten darker lately...

One rather large complaint that I have about this piece is that the whole thing feels a little monotonous. You've created a great narrating voice, but it sort of stays the same the whole way through, which makes things get a little dull. For example, when the hot coffee scalds his throat and he wakes up, I'd like to really be woken up too--as it is, the tone isn't that different than when he was sleepy. I'd like to see the mood changes be reflected more in the actual writing, so they're obvious without my having to dig for them.

Also, this might be intentional, but you don't give us much of his thought process during the conversation. I see what he's saying, but not why he's saying it. Since this is in first person, I'd like to have a little bit better of a sense of the images and sentiments that are going through his head--it would help me get to know and sympathize with him better, which wouldn't be a bad thing, methinks.

One more thing: I'm a little surprised at the lack of description in this piece. You explain the atmosphere a bit, but I don't really have any specific ideas about the setting. I'd like to have a clearer image of it in my head. Anything, from little details to bigger elements, could go a long way. And you don't need much--just a bit here and there to help flesh things out.

I love love love the ending. So intriguing. It really makes me want to read on. Let me know when you post more, okay?

(Warning: Spoiler may contain a gush of compliments. Read only if you are certain that you are ready to have your ego inflated.)



Humbly,
a