Young Writers Society

Hey guys! I'm re-posting my edited first chapter. The story has changed a lot from what it was going to be and I was wondering what you guys thing of this introduction? The story is going to be about a Orphan named Frankie spending the night in a haunted house (the house that this family lives in) because of a dare. Anyways I hope you enjoy. Please tear into this because I want to post this on my website and I want this as close to perfect as possible.

Demon in the closet.

"I love you mom," says a frazzled young Carrie crawling into her bedsheets.
I walk over to my daughters bed with the biggest smile I can manage upon my face.
"I love you Pumpkin, sleep tight." I grab her blanket and wrap it around her warm body. I can tell that she is very happy being tucked into her bed tonight. I have never seen a child smile so wide. I kiss her forehead gently and turn to go down stairs. I don't make it across to the door before Carrie's musical voice pipes up.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, Pumpkin?"
"When is daddy coming home," She asks, her voice trembling like she just asked something wrong. Wondering why she feels that talking about her father is wrong, I approach her bedside once more.
"Daddy will be home later tonight. Why? What's the matter?"
"Because I heard you crying last night mommy. I hope you know I love you, mommy, you're the bet mommy in the world" She crawls out from under the covers and wraps me in a tight embrace. Well, as tight as my six year old daughter can manage. I manage to hold back tears as I hug Carrie back. Seems like I'm becoming a professional at not showing emotion. Well, maybe not so much if Carrie heard me last night.
"Your so smart, baby girl." She lets me go and sits on her bed, legs folded like she is sitting in her classroom.
"Mommy knows you love her," I assure her, "But, things our rough on me and Daddy right now, but lucky for you, you have strong parents and we will get through this." I wrap her up in another hug before tucking her back into her bed.
"Go to sleep my little care bear. Love you, goodnight." I kiss her forehead before turning to leave once more.
"Mommy?"
I stifle a laugh and turn back towards my daughter. "Yes?"
"Will you please leave the door open tonight?"
"Sure babe." I leave the door open and walk out. I manage to make it a couple feet into the hallway before I hear her voice once more.
"Mommy?"
"Yes baby,' I bellow.
"Will you also leave the bathroom light on?"
This month our electricity bill was pretty high. I really shouldn't. Larry wouldn't be happy if I let her.
"Yes sweetie, I will." I flip around and walk to the bathroom and turn the light on.
"Good night baby, don't let the bed bugs bite.



I'm down in my bathroom, taking one of the longest showers of my life. Thinking about what miracles we will need to make it through the next month. I can't keep living paycheck to paycheck, It's not good for me or the rest of the family, speaking of family, I wonder where my husband is?
I sit down on one of the build in seats in the shower, gods greatest invention for sure, and begin to shave my legs. I called Larry's work earlier tonight, he left work around eight. It was about ten when I hopped in the shower. Was he off cheating with Monica again? Or is he off getting totally wasted with his boys? Either way, Larry's getting his ear nagged off tonight.
The creak of the bathroom door opening startles me. I hate how Larry just walks into the bathroom when I'm in the shower.
"So, where have you been all night?" No answer. I can hear him walk towards the tub, his footsteps are unusually loud tonight.
"Don't you ignore me, Larry!" No answer. "Larry?" No answer.



Back upstairs in the cold dark room, Carrie's curled up in the ball in the corner of her bed, tears streaming from her eyes and fear flooding from every part of her body. She can hear her mom in the shower and knows that if she yells to her, the thing in the closet will come out and eat her. Carrie's facing the wall. Eyes wide open, tireless. She clenches her eyes shut tight, hoping it will just go away. It does this every night, he says if she tells he will kill her parents and her brother. Then her. This is different though, he usually comes to her in dreams.
Carrie begins to sob, from the closet she hears it's deep throat laughter. Like a animal. She can't take it anymore, fear overcomes her body and she screams.
"MOMMY!" Carrie screams leaping from her bed, running to her only protector.
The demon leaps from the closet and grabs Carries little body and throws her to the ground. Carrie is crying and screaming in pain and fear, her legs are sprawled out helplessly on the floor, snapped from the impact to the ground.
"Good bye, little Carrie," The Demon says. In the last second of her life Carrie screams. The Demons claws tear threw her throat cutting short her cry for her mother.



I hear my daughter scream.
"Larry, go check on your daughter!" I begin to hurry and wash the shampoo from my eyes. Carrie is screaming and crying now.
"LARRY!," I bellow and yank back the shower curtain. Standing maybe two inches away from me is a creature of unimaginable horror. Body like a man but gray. Thick, black, tangled shoulder length hair partly cover his deep red eyes. Teeth yellow and bloody.
"CARRIE!" The Demon laughs, revealing the true length of his sharp and menacing teeth. The demon lunges for me. I throw my arms up but to no effect. The demon's jaw clamp's tight around my throat and I can feel my life ending. I can hear my baby crying from the other room. Then nothing but eternal darkness.

Interesting start. The suspense is definitely there, but you give it away a little too much during the attacks. I'll get to that later.

Demon in the closet.

For example, here, you've given away so much in the title that we have nothing left for our imagination. Part of fear is suspense, and part of suspense is the unknown. So if you tell us outright "there's a demon in the closet", there's no suspense and it's just a straight up bloodbath after that.
Consider, for example, the difference in titles between the classic "The Shining" versus the campy horror flick "Killer Clowns From Outer Space." The former is more mysterious while the latter tells you everything you can expect from the movie. There will be clowns that came from outer space and kill people. Likewise, there will be a demon in that closet. No mystery.

"When is daddy coming home," She asks,

Dialogue error. Here are the correct ways to punctuate dialogue:
"This is dialogue," she asks. <--notice the lowercase "she" because it's one sentence
"Is this dialogue?" she asks. <--still lowercase because it's one sentence
"This is dialogue." She was serious. <--now uppercase because it's two sentences.

"Because I heard you crying last night mommy. I hope you know I love you, mommy, you're the bet mommy in the world"

"Best" not "bet." And the "I hope you know" part is a little too articulated for a 6-year-old.

Also, your choice of first person narration. You can't really use first person narration for a couple reasons:
1) Your narrator dies and then you'll move on to Frankie's story, I assume? That's not really the proper way to handle it.
2) First person narrator means no omniscient point of view. If there's an "I" telling the story, then the "I" can't know anything going on with other people (like when Carrie is upstairs alone).

I sit down on one of the build in seats in the shower, gods greatest invention for sure,

Take out the "one of the" because it makes it sound like there are many built-in seats in that one shower.
Also, it's "built-in" not "build in."
Also, it's "God's", not "gods" because she likely referring specifically to one god.

"Don't you ignore me, Larry!" No answer. "Larry?" No answer.

I like the suspense there.

This is different though, he usually comes to her in dreams.

Any clue what's different from tonight? Can you at least hint it to us? Otherwise, it just sounds contrived. Maybe she can tell it's especially hungry or malicious tonight. Maybe it's a full moon on June 6th?

Carrie is crying and screaming in pain and fear,

An example of how you talk too much and it ruins the mood a little. Don't tell us that she's screaming "in pain and fear" because then it just sounds forced, as if you're saying to the reader, "It was scary. Her life was in danger. You should be scared, reader."

In the last second of her life Carrie screams. The Demons claws tear threw her throat cutting short her cry for her mother.

Again, you went on a little longer than you should have. Just leave it at
"In the last second of her life, Carrie screams for her mother."
Then if the paragraph ends there, we know it killed her and you leave her grisly fate up to our imagination. Because this isn't a movie, reading the words "tear [through] her throat" isn't very terrifying. (notice "through" not "threw") Just seeing the words isn't scary, so that's why books need to employ other means to scare readers. The imagination. The creeps. The chills. The suspicion. Don't give it all away.

The demon lunges for me. I throw my arms up but to no effect. The demon's jaw clamp's tight around my throat and I can feel my life ending. I can hear my baby crying from the other room. Then nothing but eternal darkness.

Again, you've given away too much. Just stop after the demon lunged or after the jaws clamped around her throat and we understand that she's dead. But to go on with tacky lines like "I can feel my life ending" and "nothing but eternal darkness" cheapens the scare.

But a promising start, and I look forward to seeing more. Just remember to use the reader's imagination against himself. You can't outright scare a reader with words like, "It was big" and "It tore out my bloody throat" and "It was scary." Your job is to just lead us.

Thanks so much! I never really noticed how much I messed up. I'll be sure to take these into consideration and I really appreciate the excellent feedback!

"I love you mom," says a frazzled young Carrie crawling into her bedsheets.

I walk over to my daughters bed with the biggest smile I can manage upon my face.

"I love you Pumpkin, sleep tight." I grab her blanket and wrap it around her warm body. I can tell that she is very happy being tucked into her bed tonight. I have never seen a child smile so wide. I kiss her forehead gently and turn to go down stairs. I don't make it across to the door before Carrie's musical voice pipes up.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Pumpkin?"

"When is daddy coming home," She asks, her voice trembling like she just asked something wrong. Wondering why she feels that talking about her father is wrong, I approach her bedside once more.

"Daddy will be home later tonight. Why? What's the matter?"

"Because I heard you crying last night mommy. I hope you know I love you, mommy, you're the bet mommy in the world" She crawls out from under the covers and wraps me in a tight embrace. Well, as tight as my six year old daughter can manage. I manage to hold back tears as I hug Carrie back. Seems like I'm becoming a professional at not showing emotion. Well, maybe not so much if Carrie heard me last night.

"Your so smart, baby girl." She lets me go and sits on her bed, legs folded like she is sitting in her classroom.

"Mommy knows you love her," I assure her, "But, things our rough on me and Daddy right now, but lucky for you, you have strong parents and we will get through this." I wrap her up in another hug before tucking her back into her bed.

"Go to sleep my little care bear. Love you, goodnight." I kiss her forehead before turning to leave once more.

"Mommy?"

I stifle a laugh and turn back towards my daughter. "Yes?"

"Will you please leave the door open tonight?"

"Sure babe." I leave the door open and walk out. I manage to make it a couple feet into the hallway before I hear her voice once more.

"Mommy?"

"Yes baby,' I bellow.

"Will you also leave the bathroom light on?"

This month our electricity bill was pretty high. I really shouldn't. Larry wouldn't be happy if I let her.

"Yes sweetie, I will." I flip around and walk to the bathroom and turn the light on.

"Good night baby, don't let the bed bugs bite.



I'm down in my bathroom, taking one of the longest showers of my life. Thinking about what miracles we will need to make it through the next month. I can't keep living paycheck to paycheck, It's not good for me or the rest of the family, speaking of family, I wonder where my husband is?

I sit down on one of the build in seats in the shower, gods greatest invention for sure, and begin to shave my legs. I called Larry's work earlier tonight, he left work around eight. It was about ten when I hopped in the shower. Was he off cheating with Monica again? Or is he off getting totally wasted with his boys? Either way, Larry's getting his ear nagged off tonight.

The creak of the bathroom door opening startles me. I hate how Larry just walks into the bathroom when I'm in the shower.

"So, where have you been all night?" No answer. I can hear him walk towards the tub, his footsteps are unusually loud tonight.

"Don't you ignore me, Larry!" No answer. "Larry?" No answer.



Back upstairs in the cold dark room, Carrie's curled up in the ball in the corner of her bed, tears streaming from her eyes and fear flooding from every part of her body. She can hear her mom in the shower and knows that if she yells to her, the thing in the closet will come out and eat her. Carrie's facing the wall. Eyes wide open, tireless. She clenches her eyes shut tight, hoping it will just go away. It does this every night, he says if she tells he will kill her parents and her brother. Then her. This is different though, he usually comes to her in dreams.

Carrie begins to sob, from the closet she hears it's deep throat laughter. Like a animal. She can't take it anymore, fear overcomes her body and she screams.

"MOMMY!" Carrie screams leaping from her bed, running to her only protector.

The demon leaps from the closet and grabs Carries little body and throws her to the ground. Carrie is crying and screaming in pain and fear, her legs are sprawled out helplessly on the floor, snapped from the impact to the ground.

"Good bye, little Carrie," The Demon says. In the last second of her life Carrie screams. The Demons claws tear threw her throat cutting short her cry for her mother.



I hear my daughter scream.

"Larry, go check on your daughter!" I begin to hurry and wash the shampoo from my eyes. Carrie is screaming and crying now.

"LARRY!," I bellow and yank back the shower curtain. Standing maybe two inches away from me is a creature of unimaginable horror. Body like a man but gray. Thick, black, tangled shoulder length hair partly cover his deep red eyes. Teeth yellow and bloody.

"CARRIE!" The Demon laughs, revealing the true length of his sharp and menacing teeth. The demon lunges for me. I throw my arms up but to no effect. The demon's jaw clamp's tight around my throat and I can feel my life ending. I can hear my baby crying from the other room. Then nothing but eternal darkness.

Chilling. I liked it, besides this:

The part of the name: Demon in the Closet gives it all away. Nothing to build suspense.


Other than that, nice job.