Young Writers Society

This is my Poetry Pairs entry entry with ToriTheMonster who is epic and SHOULD BE ONLINE CUS WE NEED A FREAKIN' TITLE. Be as harsh as you can. We worked our butts off and want this as good as it could be. Also, if you like it press that purty little star button up there, please
~*~

The door is always open
but only a crack, only enough to let in the gold.
It will reflect off the bottles, the shards of happiness.
The bruises are like petals
She loves me, she loves me not.

But I know what she loves more.
I will watch them from the shadows,
she held them with affection
before tipping back her head
and letting the liquid drip; a gentle poison.

Sometimes, when I am lost
and timidly, interrupt her catered affair;
she is no longer parched, but hungry.
She will feed off my flesh
until I wither to bones.

Wings on fire, the mockingbird flutters still;
feathers fall, drifting down in ashy wisps
Her grasp is a cage of ivy; inescapable.
She is everywhere-
as real as bloodshot eyes or shattered glass.

I remember a blue sweater time
when she was warm and her arms were home.
After the gold melted from the sky,
she sang lullabies in my ears;
songs to scare away the dark.

She would braid my hair and whisper tales of
willow trees and sea glass;
pocket clocks that told you only when to go to bed
not when to hide your eyes
or blind your heart.

I am a wet cigarette bleeding on the sidewalk,
an ember extinguished by acid rain.
A gauntlet hidden in the attic of her mind;
her words cobwebs; woven into false lace blankets.
She covered me then.

Become the mockingbird now,
blow out the flame, lock the door and fly.
I will lie in the meadow of my mind
and dream of a place where the words are grass
and the drinks are only rain.

~*~

If you don't understand why some things are in italics, read this:



If you still don't get it, read this:

This sucks. I don't know who the ToritheMonster chick is but she sounds stupid.


Right. So titles are silly. Who needs 'em?

Hey, Jas. Here for that review of yours. Personally, when I read this it seemed a little scattered. I had to read it over a second time to grasp it. (maybe my tiredness also has something to do with that though 0_o) I wasn't really quite sure what specific idea was meaning to be portrayed. I felt a little overwhelmed by all the descriptiveness and imagery my first read. Although, many parts and phrases were quite nice and enjoyable to read.

Mostly I think you should remember to keep everything even and flowing. That way nothing seems distracting to your reader. It'll just all be easy to take in and understand. Also, I didn't understand your point of italicizing many of the words. What was your intention? Maybe I missed something. Even with the note at the end I couldn't quite make sense of it.

Other than this, I think you and your partner are off to a great start. Maybe if you worked on molding things together a little more cohesively this would be viewed a lot better being read once through the first time. But this is simply my own opinion. Someone else might thing it's just fine the way it is. What I've mentioned are really my only true critiques. I hope it was helpful. I don't mean to sound like a downer by giving such a review. 0_o

Good luck to you and your partner! Hope you try your best to kick but in the poetry pairs contest.

Wow, this is seriously amazing. Lovely, powerful imagery- you have the makings of an expert poet!
I think that maybe the words in italics (trust me, I found this idea, while strange, to be immensely effective) should maybe be in a different font colour rather than italics? It would just be easier to see the words you have to pick out, and prevents the reader on putting emphasis on those words whilst reading.
Overall, a really lovely poem with some great ideas and images!

Beautiful! Very nice imagery! I admit, I didn't understand the italics at first, but then I read the first spoiler and re-read them - and it was breath taking. It felt like I fell down the rabbit hole and into a different world... Great job!I loved this! If you write anything like it, please Pm me!

As requested, I'll present myself here as friendly competition with the best intentions. I'm sorry I couldn't get to it any sooner.

I can appreciate the attempt at duality here, it's a really good effort you two put forth.
What the issue is, the disconnection in the two poems, every line or so has a jagged edge the reader can cut themselves on. It doesn't push us on because the ideas don't connect for example:

Wings on fire, the mockingbird flutters still; end thought
feathers fall, drifting down in ashy wisps mild connection to bird before, though a weak connection before quickly moving onto ash
Her grasp is a cage of ivy; inescapable. subject change again
She is everywhere- Nothing really stated here
as real as bloodshot eyes or shattered glass bloodshot, eyes, glass

See what I mean? The issue is without that theme of glass/fire-golden thing you got going. It's like you're making a grocery list of traits and appearances in a poetic format. It's boring. It forces your reader to drag themselves through the poem with imagery that's already suffering from certain weakness varying from language choice to cliches. But to add to that, they have to collect every list-like thought into their minds so that by the end, they can piece together a picture. You want the thoughts to be a natural progression, train of thought. You want to slide your reader along that gently, not have them walk and stop before every crosswalk. Make sense?

You want to make it like the reader floating on there backs in water, nothing to interrupt that fluidity of movement.
If you want an immediate fix, play with line length, enjambement. etc, perhaps add in some lines that let the ideas flow.

I gotta go for now, I'll add more tonight and PM you.

Kamas

Thanks for the reviews, everyone!

jasminebells wrote:~*~

The door is always open
but only a crack, only enough to let in the gold.
It will reflect off the bottles, the shards of happiness.
The bruises are like petals
She loves me, she loves me not.

But I know what she loves more.
I will watch them from the shadows,
she held them with affection
before tipping back her head
and letting the liquid drip; a gentle poison.

Sometimes, when I am lost
and timidly, interrupt her catered affair;
she is no longer parched, but hungry.
She will feed off my flesh
untilluntil I wither to bones.

Wings on fire, the mockingbird flutters still;
feathers fall, drifting down in ashy wisps
Her grasp is a cage of ivy; inescapable.
She is everywhere-
as real as bloodshot eyes or shattered glass.

I remember a blue sweater time
when she was warm and her arms were home.
After the gold melted from the sky,
she sang lullabies in my ears;
songs to scare away the dark.

She would braid my hair and whisper tales of
willow trees and sea glass;
pocket clocks that told you only when to go to bed
not when to hide your eyes
or blind your heart.

I am a wet cigarette bleeding on the sidewalk,
an ember extinguished by acid rain.
A gauntlet hidden in the attic of her mind;
her words cobwebs; woven into false lace blankets.
She covered me then.

Become the mockingbird now,
blow out the flame, lock the door and fly.
I will lie in the meadow of my mind
and dream of a place where the words are grass
and the drinks are only rain.

What I liked:
-Style
-Secret stanza- gave it a unique twist.
-everything
-the amazing
-the lines were completely original( I know that's sort of confusing- I mean you didn't just take lines from different poems every now and then like some people do.)

What was okay:
-grammar- only one mistake.

What wasn't so hot:
-Sorta broken up and shaky.
-length of lines were strange

This was really good- If you don't win, I'll be very surprised. Good work, Shubs!

~MilknCookies

I'm totes not bumping this to get more reviews...

Tots not me either.

Hey, Jass! I don't accept poetry reviews and sadly I do want to review it but I can't find anything to comment on. Poetry is not my cup of tea and I don't want to even sip it. I am so sorry. But I can make it up to you by reviewing something else of yours. I am so sorry.

I read it and I loved it. The pain, the emotions and the words were quite grandeur in nature and I did like their usage. I am not a poet and henceforth don't know what to comment on, but I'm sorry.

Sorry!

Keep Writing,
Shrubs

Eesh. Hopefully there was no rush to this.

To be honest, I found this a bit...cluttered. You have an interesting idea in mind, but it is unnecessarily difficult to grasp even the simplest imagery that you are illustrating, thus hindering both the descriptive and moral values of the piece. The atmosphere, too, of your poem is somewhat diluted - atmosphere being the emotion one would attribute to it. Not only does the imagery not support it, but offers ideas that tend to be contradictory towards previously established concepts. I'll use an example, in case you do not know what I mean.

Wings on fire, the mockingbird flutters still;
feathers fall, drifting down in ashy wisps
Her grasp is a cage of ivy; inescapable.
She is everywhere-
as real as bloodshot eyes or shattered glass.

I remember a blue sweater time
when she was warm and her arms were home.
After the gold melted from the sky,
she sang lullabies in my ears;
songs to scare away the dark.

It is true that you could justify this with the intention of a process or developmental understanding, but not entirely. For this to be applicable, your ideas must be much more interconnected, so that the reader can sense more easily the slight change in atmosphere. As they are, the ideas remain quite isolated from each other. When you move through the stanzas, it's as if you are hopping stones across a river: each stone holds its own, unique texture, its own life story. While this can no doubt be a powerful tool in poetry, the problem is that these stanzas contain next to no relation to each other. So, instead of leaping halfhazardly from stone to stone, try building a bridge, and walk across.

Another point I would like to discuss is the hidden stanza you took the time to orchestrate. While I'll admit it was creative, I think it also serves as a detriment towards your ability to create flow. Its disadvantages, I think, outweigh the advantages it brings forth, for several reasons. Firstly, many readers might not even understand why these words were italicized. I understand that you added a note at the end, and that's all fine and dandy, but, forgive me, that's kind of a cheap way to get your readers to perceive something they might not have otherwise. It's not as if it's a simple puzzle to solve, either. Secondly, italicizing the words in such abundance completely kills the flow. Italics are, intrinsically, stressed, and rarely would accenting the italics in this poem benefit the rhythm.

I am a wet cigarette bleeding on the sidewalk,
an ember extinguished by acid rain.
A gauntlet hidden in the attic of her mind;
her words cobwebs; woven into false lace blankets.
She covered me then.

Do you see? We instinctively emphasize the italics, and this will ultimately hold back the potential of you poem.

The third reason that your "secret stanza" might best be disposed of is, again, associated with the italic quality of its camouflaged contents. Having decided that said quality is not intended to be accented (we're assuming, of course, that the note at the end does not exist), because of the fact that it represses the flow, a reader might believe that the words were highlighted in such a way to underline some moral. Following this logic, one could become thoroughly confused - and the goal of a poet is not to confuse its readers. That being said, I think what you should do is either get rid of the thing altogether, or make both the placement of the words more advantageous towards the flow and the fact that there even is a "secret stanza" more obvious (notes not counting). Even though it would be more difficult, I'd try the latter, simply because I like how original the whole concept is.

Anyway. Hope this helped. My apologies for how late this review was.

-Kafka

I like this poem. It's really good. I love the Idea of the secret stanza. Thats all I have to say. Keep up the great writing!