Young Writers Society

This is my first time trying anything like this. The analogy is that the cavern is my MC's chest, and that the light is Hope and the Dark is rejection, intolerance and opinions of others. Please don't criticize too harshly, I realize this probably doesn't make sense

Inside the deep dark caverns,
hollowed out with the frozen claws
so readily wielded by the eyes of scorn,
an expansion or a constriction
battle for dominance.

Flares of light
Sparked by the outward images
of smiles, laughs
shine ever so meekly in the cavern
before being doused in the cold,
Oh so cold,
shock of reality, and intolerance
of those unworthy to wield it

The depths spiral near endless now,
the lights are few and far between;
they know that the dousing
lies ever so precariously o'er their weak shine
threatening them with the clammy hands
of malicious hate

Tendrils of the dark
spurned forth by the
farthest
darkest
deepest
depths of the cavern now suffocate each light
The ice melts away unto the cave
sealing away any entrance

Now only one blinding fire remains
A single dash of purpose
in a black sea
will you cling to it?
thaw the ice
fill the cavern
escape the dark?

Or shall you fall?
Past the arms of Morpheus
into the cool hands of Death?
Delivered so easily by the mortal weapon
pressing on your head?
Escape this cavern
or cleanse it of the sins of others?

first of all, UH-MAY-ZING signature. i totally support lgbtq too. infact... i am one of them. but, entirely besides the point. okay, so, when i read this, I feel like I'm going to war. like, preparations... i think alot of the stuff you did here was really good, regardless, and the only thing I would change is punctuation. that is all. awesomeness to the power of 5!

Hey there, Cam! I think you missed out that 'no poetry reviews part', but hey since you asked for a review, you'll get it. How much ever horrible I give. xD!

I don't have much to say, but really, the topic you picked up was really cool and I did like the whole idea of how you interpreted the whole deep meaning you had.

As Vous said, there was a bit of problem with your punctuation but once you're satisfied with the whole piece, then you can really get a help with it.

First Paragraph:
Honestly telling the reason I don't review poetry is mainly because mostly I don't get the gist of the hidden meaning. Either that, or my brain has developed a dislike for poems. But again going with honesty, I really got the meaning of this first paragraph and I was really touched by how your showed the image of a heart, or of a situation of a person in this ruthless world. I did like it.

Umm, I am so sorry, I am hopeless at reviewing poetry and I really don't have much to say here. Now as a compensation, you could ask me for a review on fiction and I would be sure not to disappoint you. Please do ask a review for anything except for Poetry. You know how much I suck at it.

But please keep up the good work.

Sorry.

Sorry

~Shrubbery

Here by request! You thought this was bad? I was honestly expected:
"The dog ran,
Fast,
Fast.
The cat went,
Hiss,
Hiss."
Instead, I got a very deep and senseful piece. Good job!
I guess you proved me wrong, eh? Opinions blue , corrections in red, notes in green.


[quote]Inside the dark deep caverns,
hollowed out with the frozen claws,/color]
so readily wielded by the eyes of scorn,
an expansion and a constriction [color=#0000FF]try : or ; or ,
battle for dominance.

Flares of light
Sparked by the outward images
of smiles, laughs
shine ever so meekly in the cavern
before being doused in the cold , Do you understand why I'm putting this here? The next sentance is an add on, not necessary. That equals a comma.
Oh so cold,
shock of reality, and intolerance
of those unworthy to wield it

The depths spiral near endless now,
the lights are few and far between;
the know that the dousing
lies ever so precariously o'er their weak shine
This seems incomplete somehow, like you just abrubtly ended it and moved on to the next stanza. Lay it out and let it flow a little easier. Do more describing, filling even.

Tendrils of the dark
spurned forth by the
farthest
darkest
deepest Love this!
depths of the cavern now suffocate each light
The ice melts away unto the cave
sealing away any entrance

Now only one blinding fire remains
A single dash of color
in a black sea
will you cling to it?
thaw the ice
fill the cavern
escape the dark?

Or shall you fall?
Past the arms of Morpheus
into the cool hands of Death?
Delivered so easily by the mortal weapon
pressing on your head? I'd make this longer, if I were you. I love it, but the cut off is a bit short.

Good work! I liked it!

Hey there Cam! Dream, here as requested!

Inside the dark deep caverns, <--- if you are going for this type of alliteration, switch dark and deep. It rings better.
hollowed out with the frozen claws <-- take 'the' out. We get the picture ;D.
so readily wielded by the eyes of scorn,
an expansion or a constriction <-- This line isn't really necessary seeing as it doesn't make sense with the rest of the flow you're giving. What I see here is just a sentence to fill up space.
battle for dominance. <--- I like this stanza! It flows well and it gives us the image of what I'm sure you're trying to get us to see. For that I give you a thumbs up in this section.

Flares of light
Sparked by the outward images
of smiles, laughs
shine ever so meekly in the cavern <-- this section is also lovely. Simple, but lovely!
before being doused in the cold,
Oh so cold,
shock of reality, and intolerance
of those unworthy to wield it <-- unworthy? I am confused by this line. Who is unworthy to weild happiness? Surely not those who are shocked into the reality of intolerance!

The depths spiral near endless now, <--- endlessly would be a better word.
the lights are few and far between; <-- we already have this image for the prior stanza!
the know that the dousing <--- shouldn't it be 'I' or 'he' or something instead of no?
lies ever so precariously o'er their weak shine
threatening them with the clammy hands
of malicious hate <--- like this! Clammy hands of malicious fate... bone chilling, that is!

Tendrils of the dark
spurned forth by the
farthest
darkest
deepest <--- love love love love love the way you spaced this! I adore it when a poet breaks up their stanzas for effect!
depths of the cavern now suffocate each light <-- you give us this image alot. Its getting a little redundant.
The ice melts away unto the cave
sealing away any entrance <-- should not the ice be forming? Not melting if it should be sealing away each entrance.

Now only one blinding fire remains
A single dash of purpose
in a black sea
will you cling to it?
thaw the ice
fill the cavern
escape the dark? <--- favourite stanza. Questioning the reader makes them feel so much apart of the poem that its almost shocking for a reader to grasp it. It gives the poem such a passion that one cannot question the making. For that this stanza has a lot of power.

Or shall you fall?
Past the arms of Morpheus
into the cool hands of Death?
Delivered so easily by the mortal weapon
pressing on your head? <--- change 'on' to 'against'.
Escape this cavern
or cleanse it of the sins of others? <-- and how are you cleansing it? Again, a line I feel was added for effect but lacks meaning. Other than that, a strong stanza. Reminds me of the entro to fable 1 xD.

Okay, so I know theres a mess of colour up there, but its not all bad! The red is immediate changes, the blue my personal opinions of what needs to change though doesn't necessarily have to, and the green is what I particularily enjoyed about this piece! So, next is my Analysis/Overall!

Overall:

Okay so, you have a good use of repetition and imagery. It moves and goes through secquences. It gives the reader the the images I'm sure you were trying to prove, and it has strength that takes a long time to master. Are you sure this is your first poem? xD. You have talent.

But (and unfortunately theres always a but), everyone and anyone can improve! For example, even though you stick to your same idea for mostly the entirety of this piece, there are still lines that are a little sketchy and can be changed. You write mostly in prose so maybe you could try and work on your vocabulary, and lastly your structure is freestanding. Maybe try to use a flow scheme and a rhyme scheme next time? Its really up to you!

Other than that, I really liked this and I definitely feel I got your meaning from it. Because of that, I'll give you a thumbs up. One thing I will say, though, is maybe take down your explanatory note. As a reader, the best part of poetry is trying to figure it out! Reading it for times in a row, the four times out loud, yada yada. I, personally, enjoy finding the meaning.

~The.Dreamwalker

the know that the dousing
lies ever so precariously o'er their weak shine

That was a bit confusing for me, but maybe I'm just dumb
I like the dark cavern analogy!