Young Writers Society

So it may not be great, but it was more the message that I was trying to get across. I was given the idea from the story generator to write about a surgeon in Las Vegas spending money. This is what I came up with, and a lot of the story is actually true. So I hope you like it, and I hope you can take a few lessons from it, and yes, there are multiple ones to learn.



I have never understood societies passion with the city of Las Vegas, Nevada. For one, the place is dreadfully hot, dry, and the people there are nothing short of freaks. Sure, you get the occasional families traveling for vacation, but it seems so often that those families spend more time alone than together. That seems to be the case now….

My name is Dr. John Daedalus, and I’m a surgeon back home. So your probably wondering why I’m in Las Vegas when I hate it so much, let me tell you. It wasn’t exactly the best week last week, I had three of my patients die on the table. Now mind you, I am a pretty good surgeon. These people were probably beyond repair twenty minutes before they were wheeled into my operating room on their separate stretchers, with oxygen being pumped into their mouths and nurses crying for people to move. So it really wasn’t my fault I suppose, but I still don’t like the thought of my patients dying, and especially not three in one week. So the dean of medicine told me to take a week off, take some time to recover. I chose Vegas, a place I thought I could get away from all of the trouble. A place I could leave any depressing thoughts behind and simply have a good time, but it didn’t exactly work out.

I chose to stay at The Venetian, a hotel and casino modeled after Italy. You may have heard of it, it is famous for it’s production of the longtime broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera. I actually watched it during my stay and afterword exited to the casino floor, planning to play a few card games after my fruity gelato. I wore a black suit coat with a striped blue tie and matching shirt, and a white fedora to top it off. I was excited for the night, as I had money to spare. That’s the way things are when you live alone as a surgeon, so I was hoping to get some big winnings and walk away a happy man. That was until I sat down and looked around.

Sitting at a table not too far away from me was a man, maybe twenty-two, playing the new Starcraft on his laptop. He had a four-o-clock shadow, and his eyes drooped as if he had been sitting in the same area for a while. In front of me sitting on a chair was a little girl, probably only six years old, and she sat alone. She had blonde hair, blue eyes that sparkled both with fear, and excitement, the kind of look a child gets when they spot something they have never seen before. I was concerned immediately, wondering where the girl’s mother could have possibly been. I looked around the hundreds of people. Just beyond the girl was the casino floor, slot machines by the dozen lined up in rows, each sporting a different theme, and each spotting it’s own particular freak. I thought perhaps she could be one of those freaks, playing the slots and forgetting her own child.

The thought saddened me, as I myself had hoped and dreamed for a daughter in my lifetime. I was pulled down even more when the girl got up and walked towards a woman at the first slot machine, one with a Wizard of Oz theme. “Mommy!” she cried out, but her mother merely waived her off telling her to go sit back down.

It wasn’t exactly surprising when you saw the mother’s appearance. She wore a tight fitting blouse the color of a flamingo, and had a bright purple scarf wrapped around that. Of the rest of her appearance, she sported the latest trend of designer glasses, along with some tight, black, leather, skinny jeans, that were obviously meant for a day and age much younger than her own.

Her appearance didn’t take away the sorrow I felt for the little girl, and I watched as she slouched back to her chair and climbed aboard, using her hands to pull herself up. I sat and pondered for a minute before standing up and walking over. I knew how it looked, and I knew the supposed bad that could come from it, but I felt compelled, and I wasn’t going to do anything questionable. I sat down opposite the girl, my gelato ice cream cone in hand, and smiled.

“What’s your name?” I asked, as nicely and in as much of a non pedophile way as I could.

“Alice,” she responded, a hint of nervousness in her voice.

“You like ice cream?” I asked.

She pursed her lips and nodded, that same excitement and awe coming back to her eyes. I smiled and looked over at the counter. “Come pick some out then,” I said, and got up.

She followed me to the counter where she stopped. “So what do you want?” I asked.

“Well I don know, what is there?” she piped up, her voice raising on the last bit.

I smiled remembering children couldn’t read. “They have any fruit you can imagine, cheesecake, chocolate….”

“Chalk-o-lit!” She squeaked.

“Chocolate it is,” I smiled again and turned to the scoopologist. “One chocolate cone for the girl please,” I ordered.

The man silently scooped the gelato into a freshly made waffle cone and held it out to me. “Four ninety-nine,” he grumbled.

I traded him a five dollar bill and crouched down to give the girl her ice cream. “There you go, now how about you go eat it at the table so it doesn’t drip anywhere,” I suggested.

She nodded as she licked the gelato off the cone and skipped back to the chair. I followed her and helped her sit, then pointed to the tightly clothed woman at the slot machine, “That you mom?” I asked.

The girl nodded and continued licking away. I walked over to the woman and crouched down staring at the spinning dials on the machine in front of her. “Any luck tonight?” I asked.

She peered down at me, disgust both in her expression and her voice, “What does it matter to you?” She snarled.

“Well I was going to suggest that if you weren’t, it might be a good idea to keep an eye on your daughter, and not let her walk off with strangers,” I stood and tipped my fedora to the woman as I walked away back to the elevators and into the open door to head to my room. As I turned and watched as the doors closed, the woman got over her shock and searched for her daughter only to find her in the same spot she left her, but with gelato in her hands.

I imagine she probably said something like “Where did you get that?” but it didn’t matter, as long as she noticed her daughter. I went into my room and retired for the night, deciding that gambling wasn’t worth it. I was happy as it was, and I did not want anything to change that.

Hi there! Thanks for the request.

First off, I'm just going to point out some little glitches and minor details that could use do be addressed. There are a few really small things, like punctuation errors and stuff like that, but I'm not going to worry about those.

I have never understood societies passion with the city of Las Vegas, Nevada.

I believe you want that to be "society's."

I actually watched it during my stay and afterword exited to the casino floor, planning to play a few card games after my fruity gelato.

That means "epilogue." I think you probably meant to say "afterward." ^_~

She had blonde hair, blue eyes that sparkled both with fear, and excitement, the kind of look a child gets when they spot something they have never seen before.

How can they sparkle with both fear, excitement and that "kind of look?" Saying "both" means that you're just going to talk about two things, so giving three examples is rather confusing. I think you could just nix the "both" all together.

Her appearance didn’t take away the sorrow I felt for the little girl, and I watched as she slouched back to her chair and climbed aboard, using her hands to pull herself up.

I'm a little confused about what, exactly, she is doing here. She slouches in her chair and then pulls herself onto it? O_o Or am I reading this the wrong way?

“That you mom?” I asked.

Your?
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Overall, I liked this. It was sweet and simple and... well, it was sweet and simple. ^_^ There isn't really much more to say about it. That's not a bad thing, though, because I think that's what you're going for. You don't want a hugely complex, thought-provoking masterpiece, you want a nice feel-good story that will put a smile on peoples' faces and (judging by the fact that you used the generator) cure your writer's block along the way. And you did that marvelously. It's a cute idea, and it's been executed very well. The main character was realistic without being complex, and the sentiment of the story is clear. Well done!

There are a few things that I think you could improve about this story, though. The first (and most major) one is this: why did he go to Vegas? You pretend to explain it, but you never really do. Yeah, he was on vacation because of the people who died... but why would he pick Vegas if he hates it so much? Maybe if the medical dean gave him a trip to Vegas or something it would be more believable, but as it is I don't see why he wouldn't pick somewhere that he actually liked.

Another sort of nit-picky thing you should look at is the fact that the first paragraph is in present tense while the rest of it is in past tense. It seemed like you wanted to start, then go into a flashback, then come back to the present... but you got stuck in the past. ^_~ Watch out for that.

Lastly, I don't like the final paragraph. It makes the whole thing wrap up a little too neatly for my liking. Rather than tell a story and then let the readers to think about what the messages are in that story, you tell a story and then tell the readers what the messages are--and that sort of ruined it for me. I'd much rather just have it end with him getting back into the elevator, smiling. That is a strong image. In my opinion, you could completely lop off the last paragraph and just end with the one that's currently second-to-last. Just my opinion, of course, but think about it.

All in all, nice story! I like the casual, "random acts of kindness" feel of it, and the messages about parenting and greed and tourism and all that. Well done. PM me or write on my wall if you'd like to discuss anything I've said.

See you around!

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Heya. I'm here per request!

I'm not sure if I'll have much to say here because this is a simple as well as short story, but hey, I'll give it a shot. As a whole, I liked this. It was really sweet, I think. I'm not a huge fan of complex stories because thee's only a certain amount my brain can handle, so this story suited me really well. You managed to use a simple plot and a simple idea in general, but you executed it effectively and got your messages across. Well done!

As for critiques, I do have a few things to mention. Something that seemed to stick out to me was actually about your MC. I don't know if this was intentional but he seemed a bit up himself to me, especially at the beginning. I'm partly thinking that you actually did that on purpose as part of a message or something, but I'm not sure. Things like the way he called everyone in Las Vegas a freak despite not knowing them, which made him seem a little ignorant, as well as the way he mentioned the patients dying not being his fault at all--the way he was so blunt and emotionless about people dying.

For all I know, this might have been done on purpose. You could have him like that at the start to show that he is actually a good person because of the whole little girl situation or something, but I'm not sure if that was actually your intention. If something like that was your intention, then I think you may want to make it more clear. Be careful not to make it too clear though. If that isn't your intention though, I'd suggest maybe toning down on your character's judgemental nature.

On the same kind of note, why did he call everyone a freak? I'm guessing because they all gamble or whatever, but like I said earlier, he seems to be judging the people of Las Vegas and labelling them all. It makes him sound cocky. Plus, he's the one who chose to go to Las Vegas, so doesn't that make him as bad as them? It's a bit hypocritical to call the people in Las Vegas freaks when he decides to go on a break there. It also made him sound a little immature at times too. He's a surgeon, so he must be an intelligent man. Calling people freaks and blaming everyone else on the deaths of his patients doesn't really seem like something a surgeon would do--not because I'm stereotyping and saying that all surgeons are good people or whatever, but because he should be smart enough to realise that doing those things is immature.

Speaking of him going to Vegas, like Azila said, why Vegas? If he hates it so much, then why would he go there? That comes into the judgemental thing actually. I'm not sure if he'd been to Vegas before because you didn't mention it, but before he went, he seemed to have this idea that Vegas was a ridiculous place. You did mention him going to Vegas because of his dying patients, that he thought it was a good place to forget about depressing thoughts, but still, wouldn't he have at least thought of going somewhere else? It's not like Vegas is the only place where people are known to let loose. I don't know... I just guess that after his little rant about the place, I found it weird that he went there.

Negatives aside, I do honestly like this. With a bit of tweaking here and there, I really do think this could be an awesome story. You've got some good messages and great lessons to be learned in here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins