Young Writers Society

What would it be
if the Earth turned not?
If a day was a day
but a day was a lifetime,
who then profits?
Me, surely not.

If nothing grows old
then nothing can be young
and nothing can Begin.
Yet since this is not truth
one can move forward as they go back,
and learn from their mistakes.

Lift the Earth off your shoulders
and make room for more.
The Sun shines to hide your light.
So out shine all who try,
to hold you back and hide your light.

I frame my future
by the words of the wise.
Learn from this story and teach to others,
all that you have learned.
For not one truly profits,
if another fails.

Hey Noelle
I'm going to provide you with the honest critiquing you requested . I'll start by saying that I like the deep concepts you're trying to convey in this poem, and it's cool that you've attempted something so profound. Anyhow,
First Stanza
The awkward phrasings of 'if the Earth turned not?' and 'Me, surely not' are completely fruitless because you made the lines weaker for the purpose of rhyming 'not' with 'not'. Even if your intention wasn't to rhyme, the inverted sentences still weaken the piece. Also, just to tidy things up, in the first line of the poem i would eliminate the word 'it'.
Second Stanza
In the section

if nothing grows old
then nothing can be young
and nothing can Begin

I would write the 'b' in the word 'begin' in lowercase unless you add further meaning to it. Also, I think the stanza would make more sense if the above section was written 'if nothing grew old
then nothing could be young,
and nothing could begin', instead of what already have.
Another tiny error, instead of saying 'yet since this is not truth' say 'yet since this is not the case' because otherwise it sounds like you are contradicting what you previously stated as a lie.
A bit of a grammar mistake, you start your last thought with 'one' as a subject, and then use 'their' for your pronoun-- 'one' is singular whereas 'their' is plural. Replace 'their' with 'one's', or perhaps 'one' with 'all'.
Third Stanza
I think putting 'light' and 'light' together as a pair is a little awkward.
Fourth Stanza
Instead of saying 'by the words of the wise' consider writing 'with the words of the wise', just to clarify a little more. 'For not one truly profits' is awkward, maybe switch it to 'for no one truly profits'. And finally, when the reader reflects back upon the 'story' you've just told, stanza 1 makes very little sense as a life lesson.
Just a general note, I think your main idea is still a little bit foggy because you use very little imagery in your poem, and when you do use it (the sun, for example) the image is just kind of brought out and then left hanging there, with no follow-up or reason to it.
Whew, okay, I think I'm done my spiel now, keep up the great work and especially the profound thinking!
Canni

What would it be
if the Earth turned not?

These lines were confusing. Do you mean to say that the Earth is not rotating?

If nothing grows old
then nothing can be young
and nothing can Begin.

Are you capitalizing begin here because of the two lines that precede it? I don't understand why begin is capitalized here.

Your premise seems interesting, but I have to admit that I was confused by your poem. If the earth stopped turning, I think life would slowly die out. Are you trying to say that life came to a standstill? I'm sorry, I'm not much help. Keep going though!

Hello there Noelle.
I just dropped by to give you a review so here it goes.

What would it be
if the Earth turned not? By this do you mean, if the earth seized to turn?
If a day was a day
but a day was a lifetime,
who then profits?
Me, surely not. Does not sound good when you read it loud. And the rhyming seems forced.

If nothing grows old If nothing grew old
then nothing can be young then nothing could be young
and nothing can Begin. and nothing could begin. Why did you capitalize b of begin? Any special reason?
Yet since this is not truth Yet this is not the truth
one can move forward as they go back, one can move forward as one goes back,
and learn from their mistakes. and learn from one's mistakes

Lift the Earth off your shoulders
and make room for more.
The Sun shines to hide your light.
So out shine all who try,
to hold you back and hide your light. Again the same thing as the first stanza which you did with the not. This also seems forced.

I frame my future
by the words of the wise.
Learn from this story and teach to others, Learn from this story and teach others,
all that you have learned.
For not one truly profits, For no one truly profits
if another fails.

Well this was a good piece with some flaws but that is no big deal because all poems have some flaws(except a few). I was a bit confused too when i went through your poem. But i liked your imagery. You have done a good job. But you should try editing it and i think that it will be better after the edit.
Keep writing.

I have decided to review some poetry.

be honest.

You have doomed yourself, my friend.

What would it be What would what be?
if the Earth turned not? Interesting....
If a day was a day Um, they already are.
but a day was a lifetime, I suppose I like the concept, but all the "day"'s do is confuse me.
who then profits? Breaks the rhythm. Pretty sure it's the wording.
Me, surely not. This is the second line in this stanza that ends with "not." Sounds odd.

If nothing grows old
then nothing can be young Too long.
and nothing can Begin. Not sure about the wording.
Yet since this is not truth The reader already knows that. I don't need you to tell me.
one can move forward as they go back, Too long. Again.
and learn from their mistakes. Meh. Cliched. Rework this.

Lift the Earth off your shoulders
and make room for more. More...what?
The Sun shines to hide your light.
So out shine all who try, "Outshine" is one word.
to hold you back and hide your light. Second time you've ended a line in "light" in only three lines.

I frame my future
by the words of the wise. "By?" I think you mean "with."
Learn from this story and teach to others, Too long. Also, you don't need "to."
all that you have learned.
For not one truly profits,
if another fails.

You've got an interesting concept going on here. But that's pretty much all that really stands out about this. There's no spectacular imagery or metaphors or anything that makes you stop and think every two lines. I hope this was helpful.

-Kafka

Hey there, Noelle. I'm here to review you poem. ^^

First off, this is a brilliant little poem. And I like it. The flow and rythym were off, but I don't mind. It just added to the poem. And the imagery was amazing. I adore it. There's also a bit of a message here and it's such a good, strong message, too. We really do need to do something about pollution and the BS we're submitting our planet to, don't we?

Nitpicks. I only have one and that's for here:

"Lift the Earth off your shoulders
and make room for more.
The Sun shines to hide your light.
So out shine all who try,
to hold you back and hide your light."

You've repeated "Hide your light" and I don't know about you, but it could be changed somehow? Maybe try something to do with bright instead of light? Other than that, no more nitpicking. It seems fine to me. Overall, Noelle, this is a brilliant and somewhat bittersweet little poem you have here/ And, as I said before, I adore it. Truly love it. *nods & clicks like* Thank you for the beautiful poem, Noelle. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

Hello, Noelle! I'm here to review this for you. ^^

First off, I want to say that this had its ups and its downs. As a whole, I found it a bit dull, though the message you're trying to portray is good.

There wasn't really anything that stood out to me, and I found that I skimmed through it quite quickly. I ended up having to read it a couple of times because as soon as I finished, most of what I had just read was already forgotten.

Another thing I noticed was that you seem to be talking a bit like Yoda in some areas in order to make the flow work properly. Here's one example of that:

Noelle wrote:who then profits?
Me, surely not.

You sound like Yoda in that last line, see? Turning your lines around, you are. But, alas, you are not yoda. Don't let the flow boss you around. The whole 'Yoda' thing just didn't seem all that attractive to me, so YOU make the poem work the way it needs to.

And, that's about all I can say. It's an okay poem, but it could use some tweaking and a bit of emotion and imagery.

Keep writin'.

~~Cass