Young Writers Society

This contains one mild swear word. Tis all.
Also, I haven't written anything in a while so this might be a bit rusty but hopefully my wonderful friends on YWS will help me pick out the ugliness. ^___^

Well, enjoy.

EDIT:
This piece was intended to be more of a descriptive writing/abstract-ish experiment for me. I'm not used to short stories so it's a little weird.

If evening tides could wash away all your worries, would you let me take your hand and walk you to the ocean shore?
My heart feels warm, hot, as if I’m falling into a pit of fire. I hear it thump inside my chest, pumping hard as if saying ‘let me out.’ But I can’t. If I could rip out my heart and give it you, I would do it without a second thought. I mean it.
The wind whistles and the chilly air bites my bare chest like sharp-toothed fish but I continue to bear it.
I’m watching our beach as the grey clouds melt over the sulky sky and block out the sun. Its golden rays left the sand underneath my feet slightly warm. My grip tightens on the side of my jeans and I try to wipe the sweat off of my palms but every time I rub away the worry, it’s replaced again. So I stop trying and go back to listening because it was one thing we always had a problem with.
I've been quiet lately, Hara. I've been listening.
The crashing waves sounds like a song I can only hear once in a lifetime and this feeling, I could only feel once every year, on this day. But recently, I've become a ticking bomb and I might be on the verge of explosion.
Goosebumps sprout over my arms when the gush of wind whip past my hair. With that call, I take a step forward and close my eyes as my toes meet the shoreline. The icy water makes me gasp and my eyelids flash open to the seagulls that hover in circles above the sea.
I am alone.
I begin counting like you always did when you were nervous.
1…
For every step I take deeper in the cold water. I begin to wonder what number you counted until to that day. Was it a hundred? A thousand? The rushing current pulls at my nerves and ties my throat as if the fingers of the ocean shoot up through my veins and constrict me. I strain to keep my composure as the water finally reaches my waistline.
I want to drown myself in your memories. . .
2..3…
You were like the sun. So beautiful and full, you never stopped shining even when the world turned dark. The image of your smiling eyes and spread lips has been burned into my memory with a hot iron.
I feel the lump in my throat and I think there are tears in my eyes but I can’t tell the difference between teardrops and the salty drops of the ocean. Either way, it’s hurting to think of you.
Of your long dark hair that felt like silk between my fingertips. Of your cool skin that always needed my warmth.
I miss the way our fingers seemed to always complete a puzzle when we held hands. The way you made me feel, the way you laughed and sang, the way you came and the way you…left.
Do you miss me?
4…5…
The water is up to my shoulders now and I’m afraid to take the next step. What if I don’t have the energy to swim? What if I fail to kick my feet or move my arms and I lose myself? Would you like that? If I drowned, we could be together and never have to worry about things like homework or friends. The constant screaming and the fighting would all go away then…
But I know better, you’d hate me if I drowned. I take the next step bravely and begin to kick and swim. The water feels familiar here.
6…7…
“Chase,” you called to me that day. “Chase, I know how to swim by myself now.” You eyes were wide and lively, as if you really knew what you were doing.
I had been teaching you how to swim since it's something you've always wanted to do. We met by the beach everyday after school to practice and play.
“Oh, really?” I had my doubt then. You always did things before you were really ready for it. You didn’t know yourself as well as I knew you. That’s why I kept my grip on your arms, kept your body close to mine so the ocean couldn’t pull us apart.
“I don’t think so, maybe you should practice some more,” I replied. "I'll tabs on you."
You frowned, disappointed that I didn’t let you do what you wanted to do. You always grew angry with me when I said, ‘no.’ But you didn’t swim by yourself that day. Instead, you did like you were told and stuck to me like gum as we played about in the vast sea. We watched the sun set over the rippling waves and inhaled the scent of salty tides. We lay on the hot sand and giggled as the waves washed our toes.
8…
My breath is getting short now and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to swim in this freezing water. I look to my right and see a large wave coming towards me. It looks like a large hand with outstretched fingers that wants to grasp me. My eyes widen and I brace myself. I can hear my heart’s pounding in my ears. I don’t want to move, or maybe it’s because I can’t…because I’m too cold.
It hits me with the force of a thousand galloping horses and then swallows me in.
9…
“Pick up the phone, damn it.” I cursed at you that weekend because I was frustrated. You were talking to someone I didn't like, a boy. Insecurity was something I struggled with according to you. Could you blame me? If you only knew what you really were, maybe you would've understood me better.
You never picked up the phone and I tried looking for you because I was afraid you were going to break it off with me. We had been fighting a lot during that time and I wanted to apologize. I never apologized before, never thought I’d have to. But now, I wish I had said sorry sooner.
Honestly, there was no sign of you anywhere. When did you learn to hide so well? Even your parents were worried.
It wasn’t until that evening when I figured out where you went. To the shore…
I was too late.
10…
I cough and tumble in the mighty wave. I’m like a toy being played with by something greater. My arms frail and I kick my feet as hard as I can. I feel the strings of the ocean tied around fingertips as I spin underneath the mass. Finally, I manage breaking through to the surface. I’m panting and letting out little cries as I push to stay up. Sucking in a deep breath of fresh air, I regain my vision.
The noise of the thundering waves is substituted by a calm ringing in my head and I welcome the odd whispers. Slowly, the currents push me back to the shore and I lie down like we used to do.
"Why? Why didn't you listen to me?"
My fingers dig into the cool sand and I grit my teeth as hot tears bubble in my eyes.
For the first time, I cry for you. The feelings that I’ve repressed come out with an eruption and without mercy. My hand suddenly flattens over my chest and my nails dig into my skin.
I want it to stop hurting so much.
I moan and turn over, the side of my head digs into the soft sand and the the thought of burying myself passes me. My whimpers replace every other sound in the world and I feel myself slipping.
Chase…
I stop. My eyes flash open and I sit up so quickly that my brain bangs against my skull. I look right and left, scanning the area. My heart can’t take the acceleration anymore. Stopping and going…stopping and going.
With parted lips I listen to the air current as it whistles my name over and over. I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and push myself up. I stare at the ocean for a very long time, hours maybe…
You're not gone, are you? You're still here. Did you see me? Can you hear me? Feel me?
Maybe...I want to believe that you can.
When my worries become too much for me to handle, will you take my hand and walk me alongside the ocean shore?
This time, the wind gushes against me and I take a step back, surprised by the strength. My face feels like a mess of sticky tears and sand. You’d probably say I look ugly right now.
I smile at that. Finally, I break my gaze on the dark ocean and turn around, picking up my shoes and shirt.
'I'll be back,' I promise you. To listen.

Hello, hello! I saw your avatar in the "New" posts and insisted on reading it!

The first thing that crossed my mind after I finished reading was: I hope she doesn't kill herself this time *sad face*
And the second thing was: Dear God, he doesn't even deserve you!

I loved it. I have to tell you that I never like to read other people's romantic pieces, but I always seem to enjoy yours! It's amazingly expressive and the beautiful thing about it was how you described the feelings more than the moves. You let me imagine things freely, but when you do mention a move, you make it real and... What's the word? Oh! Tangible!

Do you know how rare people can do that? Maybe you haven't written in a long time, but your skills simply don't want to let you go, dear.

"I take the next step with a slight smile and begin to kick and swim. The water feels familiar here. " <-- That was a very good line, even though very simple. I was relieved she started fighting- it brought a smile to my face.

You go, girl! And tell her not to be so sad. Whatever she did, no one deserves to be treated badly! *angry face at him*

Write another one soon!

Hiya, Pinky!

I’m watching our beach as the grey clouds melt over the sulky sky and block out the petty sun.

This is really nit-picky, but this whole adjective, noun, adjective, noun, adjective, noun rhythm got a little tiresome in this sentence.

The crashing waves sounds like a song I can only hear once in a lifetime and this feeling, I could only feel once every year, on this day.

I found this sentence a little awkward. I think the discrepancy between can and could (underlined) is part of it... but it's also just really vague. It might be me, but I'm not really sure what you're talking about. Is "this day" Valentine's Day? But I thought "this feeling" was the sorrow she feels, which is because of his death (?) not because of Valentine's Day... right? And what does the feeling have to do with the song of the waves? I guess this just feels really poetic, but I'm not sure exactly what it's saying.

For every step I take deeper in the cold water. The rushing current pulls at my nerves and ties my throat.

Was that supposed to be a comma after "water," instead of a period? If you meant it this way, fine, but it seems to me that it might work better as a comma...

I look to my right and see a large wave coming towards me. It looks like a large hand with outstretched fingers that want to grasp me.

Repetitivishness.

My arms frail and I kick my feet as hard as I can.

I'm pretty sure you mean "flail," but I might be wrong.
--------------------

Sorry if any of those nit-picks were annoyingly nit-picky. I have been doing only overall stuff in my reviews lately, so I'm afraid my nit-picking skills are a little rusty. >.<

Anyhow.

I liked this a lot, Pinky! It has a lovely, lilting, ocean-like quality--present ebbs and flows into past, happiness and sadness and nostalgia swish and swirl. Warmth and coldness mingle and alternate. It has a feeling of perpetual-motion and a rhythm to it that is at once regular and unpredictable, like waves, or tide... maybe I'm reading into it too much, but I'm really impressed with the overall cadence of it. I'm also impressed by the way you've made me feel acutely for your character without actually knowing the exact reason for her feelings. You're not very specific about why she feels the way she does, but I sympathize with her all the same simply because her emotions are portrayed so vividly.

I actually think your descriptions of her emotions are really interesting--you've got a mix of vividness and vagueness. On the one hand, you describe the physicality of the emotions wonderfully. The fingernails digging into the skin, the heart pounding, the goosebumps... really nice. But on the other hand, since most of the emotions are portrayed physically, it gives a sort of detached feeling--as though she isn't necessarily experiencing the emotions that her body is experiencing. It almost feels like she's past feeling. Just like she forces herself to ignore the cold, she also forces herself to ignore the pain. But that's where it gets interesting; you mention the pain, but I don't feel the pain. Does she feel it? I sort of get the sense that she's too numb (emotionally) to feel anything anymore, but it seems like that's not what you're trying to say. Is she supposed to be struggling with her emotions here? Is she supposed to be forcing herself to keep going after her loss?

That brings me to my main issue with this piece: I'm not exactly sure what the point is. Yes, it's a moving piece, and it's emotional and it's romantic and it's sad... but I feel like there's something slightly lacking. And I'm not sure if it actually is lacking, or if it's there and I'm just not seeing it. For example, what am I supposed to get out of the ending? It feels like it's supposed to be metaphorical, or really moving, or something... but frankly, I'm a little confused. From what I understand, it's Valentine's Day and our heroine is thinking back on a boyfriend she had who drowned himself (I'm not sure if it was intentional or not) after an argument they had. I'm not sure about this, since you're pretty vague, but that's the impression I got. Anyhow, she goes to the place where he died and she's thinking about him and remembering him. She thinks about how much she misses him and she's overcome with grief--but then something happens. She thinks she hears his voice. And she smiles.

I feel like that should be really meaningful, and I'm sure it is, but I'm not sure what the meaning is. The thing is, you have a lot of really powerful moments in the piece (I especially loved the part where she realizes that he wouldn't want her to kill herself--very powerful) but overall I think it's slightly lacking, since I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to say. The sentiment and the lyricism and everything is all there, but it feels a little too wishy-washy, to me. Every time I think I know what you're trying to say, that thought gets swept away by the tide. Maybe you wanted this? I don't know. Personally, I find it a little frustrating. I like internal-conflict/stream-of-consciousness pieces, and I certainly think this has a lot of potential, but I'd like to see more of whatever it was that inspired you to write this. Whatever it was that you wanted to say with it. It may very well be that you didn't want to say anything with it, but something about the sudden emotion change in the end makes me think that there's something else that I'm missing.

Also, am I supposed to recognize those italic lines? They seem like they could be from a song or something, and they work really nicely, but if it's a reference to something, it was lost on me. >.<

Anyway, I liked this a lot, Pinky! It's sweet, and sad, and was a really intriguing, moving piece. I guess I'd just like to understand the end more, really, but overall I think you've got something quite nice here.

As always, feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or anything! I hope this helps.

Happy Valentine's Day!

a

Hey there, Dad!

Okay, now I am reviewing your stuff after a long drought, so hopefully it should be fun. Also, I am suffering a mild Reviewer's Block, so sorry if it doesn't turn out that helpful, even though I'll try. But Azila....grrr...



Alrighty, then there's something here I'd like to tell you. It's not for this particular piece, but for every piece you've written till now. Something I've observed for quite a long time. Every piece of yours mostly has a quote. I don't think it's anyway something bad, but for this thing, I think you could have avoided it in the beginning. It could have been there in the last, if you really wanted to have it so badly. Sometimes, some quotes can make your story predicable, and really kills the thrill. It didn't happen with this at such a length, but personally, I neither did like knowing even a single thing. I know it's a story centered around shore from the title, but the quote made me feel in the start that it was a sad story. So it really solves most of the work. I hope you get me. And sorry if I didn't make any sense. It's good you add quotes, but this one could have done without it.

My other observation has been that you refer to the wind a lot. I remember you using something like 'pinching the cheeks' for the wind, and I really liked it. So, you see I liked it, but I have seen it so many times in your writing that it's really not that fun. I'd like you to experiment with new things and new perspectives. I don't even thing wind doing anything to her body was very essential here. But anyways, I liked the line. Then again there was something like the wind brushing past her hair. Now for that, I think it was fine since the wind plays a vital role in and around the shore regions. So here, as in in the whole story, it was fine. But I'd like you to keep in mind your obsession with these kind of sentences. They can be boring a bit.

As Azila said, I didn't get the whole point of this. It most definitely seemed like a descriptive writing exercise, and I wonder if it was that. I felt that it was like you were going too much into the pain, and mostly it was the imagery. I really didn't feel lot of pain for the protagonist. If you know what I mean. What I want to say is that it was too much of imagery, so many nails digging, the water and all that I guess you forgot the aim of the story. There wasn't a story as such, I guess, but whatever it was mostly was spent on giving us the pain. Even the pain was flowery; we really couldn't feel it. I won't go on blabbering much on that point because what I see from Azila's reviews length is that she has covered up this point. But I would definitely need to tell you that at the end I was getting a bit of bored by reading the same kind of things.

What next I have to say is the character. Fine, I don't wanna be stereotypical but isn't Chase a name for the boy's? And clearly you haven't mentioned that the other person was a girl or a boy. So right now both of them have unknown gender. We don't know their gender. It's not like we can be sure of. If this is from a boy's POV, then I'd have to say that it was too melodramatic. There are some boys who do go on like that-the sentimental stuff, the thoughts and all, but not to this extent. It's mostly the girls who have thoughts like these. But then can the main character be a girl and named Chase? I am not sure if it's an unisex name, but if it is then I'd like you to consider this---use some other concrete name. Like some name we are sure of. Like Susan won't be a boy's name, until the parents are really cracked up. This is also because in first person, there's hardly any scope of the person saying 'Hey, there, reader. For your information, I am a girl." That's not possible and then in cases like these what we need to show their gender through is by their names and their way of walking/talking and all that. It was my observation, but if I a person can't understand the gender, then it's worth a check.

Now getting to the good things, I'll have to say that you've really blossomed into a better writer, and I can really see the efforts you put in to explain her pain, even it went a bit above the necessary line. It was good, and the counting thing kept me more stuck. Like I said about the quote, I would wanna repeat myself since you're using it once in the chapter, too, so maybe you don't need it in any of the beginning line or the end. It was good-just get that removed. Now, my other problem here was that the conflict here was missing. Like, why did they fight. I didn't know that. I am saying this because it is important for us to know. Just reading a story on the stupid fights is not very exciting in itself, but if you do tell us the reason, then it might become more intriguing. So, it would be wonderful if you can add that to your story. Don't go too much with that if you don't wanna, but a hint or something would be most likely acceptable.

Also, if it's possible I would like you to hone down your descriptions a bit. They were getting too much at some point, but if it's some descriptive writing exercise, then stick to this version. It is also matter of individual choice, so I might not have liked it that much but others might have relished it.

PM me or post on my wall for any questions you may have.

P.S. I have reviewed your stuff after a very long time..and I liked reviewing it.

~Shubhi(your affectionate, but troublesome daughter)

Hey guys, thanks a bunch for the awesome reviews. ^__^
I now know what aspects of this I need to work on or tweak so I'll be doing that. lol
Also, I noticed that you had a few questions which I'll happily answer.

1. Protagonist is a boy. I'm not sure if it was really that unclear but I had my doubts about it. However, I thought it was evident when the name 'Chase' was mentioned. Also, In the beginning I did say bare chest, no? I don't think girls would walk around the beach with bare chest and jeans. :/ I'll be sure to look over that anyways. ^.^

2. @Azila about the 'point'.
As far as I'm concerned this was supposed to be more of an expressive, descriptive and mildly abstract piece which you might have to think a little bit in order to get. But if it's really hard to understand, then I guess it's my problem. Honestly, I was trying to make the point come across as getting over the death of a loved one. The character was holding in his sorrow and guilt, sort of blaming himself ("Wish I had said sorry sooner") for the death of his girlfriend and was finally letting it out and I guess, well you can interpret in your own way. Memories, never forgetting...I guess I have lots of different ways I see this which is probably the reason why the point wasn't very 'solid' and more like the ocean, big and mysterious. Does that make any sense?

3. @Shrubbery
Yes, I know I use a lot of quotes. I like them, so what? ^.^ Also, that specific quote was made up by me some time ago and I thought I'd put it to use, you know? You will not find that online - well, at least I hope not. However, yes...I should experiment with different things which is why I aimed at something a little different. I've done novels for a long time and I wanted to take a swing at short story with a bit of nice wording and description. Sorry if it bugged you. ;__;

4. @Azila
When I began, I fully intended this to be something on Valentines day but in the end, that wasn't the case. "This day" refers to his girlfriend's death anniversary.

Thanks again for the wonderful reviews! I hope my answers helped you guys understand this a bit more. ^___^

-Pink

I want your face.

Hi.

I would like to celebrate this moment because I haven't read or reviewed anything of yours in ages, so I'm more than happy that I finally am reading something new of yours. I feel lost otherwise, you see. Also, despite the fact your avvie still has a heart in it even though Valentine's Day was yesterday, you're still a cool (enough) person. Anyway, that's unrelated. You know the drill by now. If you have any questions or anything after this, just drop by and visit my wall.

Before I begin my review, I'd like to offend you. You could have at least asked less skilled people to review this for you because, to be honest, I fear my review will be shorter than a midget with no limbs. I'm going to try and avoid repeating things, but knowing your writing and these critiques you already have, that statement is a load of poo.

There is one more thing I'd like to mention before I get onto the critiques. I notice that you've had a few comments about the whole MC sounding like a girl, but in reality being a guy. Basically, don't worry about it. As I'm sure you already know, I fail at writing from a guy's POV. Nonetheless, I do it anyway because I enjoy it. Personally, I'd rather an interesting, edging on girly guy character than a boring, manly guy character. I think you should concentrate more on the personality side of things rather than making him 'sound like a man'. This may sound ironic because of the whole She's the Man contest, but that was actually partly the point of that contest. I wanted people to stray away from stereotypes and make guys emotional, make them cry e.t.c. eventually realising that character is more important than gender specifying.

Ergh... Guess what? I'm stuck for critiques. Damia ti (Damn you), Punk. Damia ti. Uh, okay. I would have said that I think you needed to express the message and general plot of this story more as a critique, but I then read your feedback/comment that said you wanted this to be more descriptive and abstract that anything. Because of that, I guess the expressing the message more clearly thing doesn't really work. I guess you could think about making that clearer, but in the end, it's up to you. Anything else has already been mentioned really... Curse you, reviewers.

I think I'm going to have to give you more of a suggestion/if you want to thing rather than a critique, which is that I think you could be more vivid in places. Something I noticed here was that I wasn't feeling all that many emotions while reading this. Don't get me wrong, I could tell what emotions were being expressed and I did feel some of them. I just think you can expand on it some more. You have the basis of a really sad story here, so I think you need to squeeze every single emotion possible out of it. Admittedly, you have done a pretty good job already, but I would suggest for you to have more of a play around with the emotions.

ZOMG, I'm so helpful. LOL. Sorry. Honestly, I don't have anything else to add. Everything already seems to have been mentioned, and as for the MC sounding like a girl thing, don't stress about it. (WARNING: This next statement will sound as arrogant as hell) Something I have been told I do well in the past is make interesting, believable characters. Whether that's true or not is another story, but anyway. Some of those characters have been guys and I've written them in first person too. Do they always sound like 'real men'? No. But so what. I like writing them and others seem to like reading through their eyes. That's all I really care about.

Basically, keep up the good work.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins



kfanxbi.

Oh why hello there, dad!

First for all, thank you of the request and need I remind you that you might see this review unhelpful. But I'll try my best not to anyway, seeing that you have four good critiques above me.

I appreciate that you have mentioned (in the edited part) that the boy is the protagonist in this piece, but I wished you didn't. Not that I'm wanting to be rude or something, but it tends to weaken your ability as a writer on how you can reveal your main character's gender to your readers clear as a glass, throughout the story. (methinks, anyway) So if I were you, I would have erased that edited part and let the story stand on its own. ^^

I also wanted to comment on your descriptions. Seeing this as a descriptive experiment of yours, I think you have done a great job on that, dad. It's refreshing to read and it totally made me feel like I was really in the ocean- with all the cool breeze, sunset and all. However, I think you should lessen or tone down a bit your usage of "I feel" and "this feeling" phrases because this just distracts your readers's connection to your MC.

Goosebumps sprout over my arms as I feel the gush of wind whip past my hair and heighten all the hairs on my body.

Goosebumps and 'heighten all the hairs' seems a bit repetitive. As far as I know, when you have goosebumps, your hair would be all standing straight.


Characters:

If you want to justify your character, then I suggest that you have to plan something- like making your MC's tone a little bit manly, even if he describes the goosebumps and the birds in the sky. Also, the character seems to focus more on his surroundings that it almost overshadows his emotional thinkings, and that lessens about his pain to the girl.

I don’t even remember what we were arguing about.

This is just a nitpick of mine. Anyways, saying to your readers that he doesn't remember the cause of the fight would just lessen the sentimental effect you want your readers to absorb. How would we feel the pain if he can't really comprehend well about the fight? Without knowing the problem, the relationship between him and the girl might get a bit blurry to understand.

Grammar wise. I don't really much bad things to say since you have written this very well. 83

When all's said and done, I like this! This is one of the good YWS stories I have read so far. Just keep writing and who knows someday, you'll be a great writer. I really hope this helps and PM me for any questions.

Peace out,
Yuri

Another great story by Pink! I mean, dad. XD

Nitpicks:

If evening tides could wash away all your worries, would you let me take your hand and walk you to the ocean shore?

- Ooh, I love it! That was original, right?

...pumping hard as if saying ‘let me out.’

- Maybe, it sounds more correct if you wrote: '...pumping hard as if it was saying 'let me out'.'?

If I could rip out my heart and give it you, I would do it without a second thought. I mean it.

- Ooh. How dramatic. xD

...bare chest like sharp toothed fish...

- I think you should hyphenate 'sharp' and 'toothed'.

I’m watching our beach as the grey clouds melt over the sulky sky and block out the sun.

- If the grey clouds are 'melting' over the sky, why is the sun blocked out? Nice imagery by the way.

My grip tightens on side of my jeans...
- I think you forgot to put 'the' before 'side' or something.

So, I stop trying and go back to listening...

- I can't believe I'm saying this but, there shouldn't be a comma after 'So'. There shouldn't be commas after FANBOYs (coordinating conjunctions - 'for', 'and', 'nor', 'but', 'or', and 'yet') when they're used to start sentences (I don't think we use 'for' to start sentences though).

I miss the way our fingers seemed to always complete a puzzle when we held hands.

- This is just like the lyrics of the song 'Vanilla Twilight' by Owl City xD.

"I'll tabs on you."

- 'I'll tabs'? What? o.o

As we watched the sun set over the rippling waves and inhaled the scent of salty tides.

- This is incomplete.

I look to my right and see a large wave coming towards me.

- o.o I wonder why the wave is coming from the right.

It looks like a large hand with outstretched fingers that want to grasp me.

- Correction: 'wants'. It refers to the 'large hand', not the 'outstretched fingers'.

“Pick up the phone, damnit.”

- 'Damn it' are two words.

You were talking to someone I didn't like, a boy.

- Maybe, it'd be better if you used a dash instead of a comma after 'like'.

If you only knew what you really were...

- Something seemed to be missing after 'were'. I'm not sure.

But now, I wish I had said sorry sooner.

- I think, 'sorry' should be in apostrophes or something.

I feel the strings of the ocean at my fingertips...

- 'Feeling the strings at my fingertips' make it seem like the character is the one who has control.

"Why? Why didn't you listen to me?"

- I'm confused with who said this. o.o

My hand suddenly flattens over my chest...

- This seemed like the character had no control over his hand. xD

I moan and turn over to the smell the sand.

- Typo: 'to the smell the sand' --> 'to smell the sand'


This is just amazing! There is great description and the emotions of the persona were really well-written. The flashback-like part was nicely written too. But there are parts in the story that are pretty vague. It feels like there is something missing. I mean, this story could have used a little more back-story. The picture is great by the way, so is the title. I also love the way you mentioned the title in the story.

In conclusion: The emotion made it epic.

Amazing job! Keep writing! Never stop writing!

Wifey, tis me!

Okay, well, I didn't comment on this because what would be the point? I gave you my opinion. But I was skimming over the comments and I have to say that I don't understand. I thought I was being slow. But I'm not.

I had figured out he was a boy, mourning his girfriend's death, on Valentine's day.

I thought it was a simple piece, full of love and emotion. A short, piece, yes, but I thought it was to the point. Just wanted to let you know again that I loved it.

That is all.

Wifey.

Hi guys! Thanks again for all the reviews and comments - I really appreciate that.

@whisperer, thanks for pointing out the missing words. I have a problem with that, seriously. I always tend to do that when I'm in a rush. Which I was, considering that I was making revisions during my work hours, bad me. :c I'll go and correct them right away and I'm glad you liked it! Also, the feeling of something missing was sort of part of the story. I can't exactly explain it either. I wrote this on the emotions I was feeling during that time and tried writing it according to the scenes in my head. :/

@Born2be: YAY! You're like one of the few people who knew it was guy (Even after reading the previous version). I dunno how it was very confusing but apparently it was so I went back and edited some of it. ^__^
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I'm glad you like it!! *huggles* :3

Again, thanks to everyone who has reviewed/liked/commented on this. =)

-Pink

Oh my gosh! this was sooooooo sweet. I absoluley love romantic stories, and this was a good one! Loved it!

I thought this was pure beauty. It made me feel so much emotion! Emotion that I've felt before... I could feel the pain; the sorrow. Just... Wow. No critiques. Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

If evening tides could wash away all of your worries, would you let me take your hand and walk you to the ocean shore?
My heart feels warm, hot, as if I’m falling into a pit of fire. I hear it thumping inside my chest, pumping hard as if saying ‘let me out.’ But I can’t. If I could rip out my heart and give it you, I would do it without a second thought. I mean it.
The wind whistles and the chilly air bites my bare chest like a sharp-toothed fish but I continue to bear it.
I’m watching our beach as the grey clouds melt over the sulky sky and block out the sun. Its golden rays left the sand underneath my slightly warm feet. My grip tightens on the side of my jeans and I try to wipe the sweat off of my palms but every time I rub away the worry, it’s replaced again . So I stop trying and go back to listening because it was one thing we always had a problem with.
I've been quiet lately, Hara. I've been listening.
The crashing waves sounds like a song I can only hear once in a lifetime and this feeling, I could only feel once every year, on this day. But recently, I've become a ticking bomb and I might be on the verge of explosion.
Goosebumps sprout over my arms when the gush of wind whip past my hair. With that call, I take a step forward and close my eyes as my toes meet the shoreline. The icy water makes me gasp and my eyelids flash open to the seagulls that hover in circles above the sea.
I am alone.
I begin counting like you always did when you were nervous.
1…
For every step I take deeper in the cold water. I begin to wonder what number you counted until to that day. Was it a hundred? A thousand? The rushing current pulls at my nerves and ties my throat as if the fingers of the ocean shoot up through my veins and constrict me. I strain to keep my composure as the water finally reaches my waistline.
I want to drown myself in your memories. . .
2..3…
You were like the sun. So beautiful and full, you never stopped shining even when the world turned dark. The image of your smiling eyes and spread lips has been burned into my memory with a hot iron.
I feel the lump in my throat and I think there are tears in my eyes but I can’t tell the difference between teardrops and the salty drops of the ocean. Either way, it’s hurting to think of you.
Of your long dark hair that felt like silk between my fingertips. Of your cool skin that always needed my warmth.
I miss the way our fingers seemed to always complete a puzzle when we held hands. The way you made me feel, the way you laughed and sang, the way you came and the way you… left.
Do you miss me?

Just a few corrections I'd make, and the part in blue is my favourite part. You did a wonderful, no, fantastic job! This is a pretious piece of writing, maybe you will turn it into a novel, because it'd be a good beginning.

Well-done, strong descriptions, I could really get into the character's feelings and mood.

I really love your writing style. You give a lot of detail, and it makes it easy for someone to see it clearly. Keep up the good work!