Young Writers Society

The piece I'm writing is suppose to be a ballad that is told through the tune of Gilligan's Island.

It has to have a ABCB Rhyme
4 line stanza
Repetition
Lacking Detail
Use of Everday Speech
and End Abruptly
4 stresses, 3 stresses, 4 stresses, and then 3 stresses again

Keeping those in mine here's my ballad =]





The sun shone bright on a hot summer day
As I splashed inside the pool
I went no farther than the 4 feet
Oh how it was so cruel

All of us were first graders
Yet they knew how to swim
I was abandoned and companionless
When a thought made my mouth grin

“I’ll go down the slide to the seven feet
And come back in a breeze
I’ll pump my arms and kick my legs
Oh how mother will be pleased”

Wasting no time I departed the pool
And strode to the other side
Up the slide ladder I climbed
Waiting patiently in the line!

Finally when it was my turn
I sealed my eyes and glided down
Immediately when I hit the water
I was afraid I was going to drown

Panic started to overwhelm me
And I started to have second thoughts
Only water was there to surround me
And air was what I sought

“Help” I managed to cry out
Before descending to the pool floor
My lungs ached and begged for air
As death came knocking on my door

The next thing I knew after that
I was lying down in a bed
“Whew, it was all just a dream,” I said
But then why did I feel wet?

NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

The sun shone bright on a hot summer day
As I splashed inside the pool
I went no farther than the four feet
Oh how it was so cruel

I love the rhyming; but the rhythm was slipping of at times. When you edit this, I hope you'll have a consistent meter throughout the poem. That will make this better.

Anyway, I can't say more: THIS IS GREAT! I remember how I wrote when I was your age. I love to remember these certain signs that show one is meant to be a writer. LOL The ending is cool. I get the twist. It was funny. Oh, girl... you were great. Keep writing!

~ Jash ♥

P. S.
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O---
P!

Ligreots! Okay, here as requested.

The first thing I'd like to say is that this very much amused me. xD I get the Gilligan's Island theme stuck in my head on a regular basis, which made this all the cuter.

However, it also means that I am very familiar with the rhythm, and this was off in some places. Or maybe it was just the way I was pronouncing the line? Either way, there were a few distractions.

For example:

lilgreendots wrote:The sun shone bright on a hot summer day
As I splashed inside the pool
I went no farther than the 4 feet
Oh how it was so cruel.

The part I bolded was a little... quicker than the actual song. Or, maybe it carried on a little? Either way, omitting the 'how' in that line would probably help for the flow...

lilgreendots wrote:“I’ll go down the slide to the seven feet
And come back in a breeze
I’ll pump my arms and kick my legs
Oh how mother will be pleased”

That last line was another one that really bugged me for some reason. It seems to have one too many syllables. Change 'mother' to 'mom' and it's a very quick fix.

Okay, so I know that you probably don't want a bunch of 'the rhythm was also off here; take this out and add this in' comments, so I'll leave you to pick out the rest of those. (If that is actually what you were looking for, let me know and I'll come back and write a second review, pointing all of that sort of stuff out.)

Otherwise, this piece is a bit... tricky to review in a strange sort of way. It's not exactly what you'd call a serious piece, and I couldn't find any cliché-typed things to comment on. (Probably because it was a ballad.)

So, I think I'll cut this review a little short. (Sorry about that. xD)

It really was quite amusing to read, and I enjoyed it. xD (So did my grandpa. He made me sing it to him-- Gilligan's Island fan. )

Thanks for the read and request!

~~Cass

Hi, Dots!

So, this was a fun read. Is this for school or some sort of contest? Whichever it is, all of the requirements seem to make the writing of this poem a fun and interesting challenge, and you seem to have done rather well with it -- I'm not familiar with Gilligan's Island, but this was still pretty easy to understand and follow. Anyway, my comments! First things first -- numbers should always be written out in stories and poems -- the only exception to that is years.

You need to be careful when you write out your rhymes. A lot of them don't match perfectly, and when you have a ryhme scheme, they generally should, otherwise it disrupts the flow and isn't a really a rhyming poem. It also becomes confusing if some parts are rhyming and other parts aren't. As shown below:

st. 2: swim, grin
st. 3: breeze, please
st. 4: side, line
st. 6: thoughts, sought
st. 8: bed, wet

For stanzas 3 and 8, you're close to making them rhyme, but you either have an issue with tenses or plural/singular. Try to reorder your last line so it works. If it does not, reorder both so your first line gives you something else easier to rhyme with.

Another thing that I wanted to mention was your description and imagery. Although you said that this poem isn't supposed to have a lot of detail, and that's fine, but right now it just feels too bare. I can't really picture anything that's going on, and it makes for a read that isn't as interesting as it should be. Try to embellish your images a bit more and strengthen your word choice. Do you keep a thesaurus? If not, I would look through one -- there are plenty online that you can use. Try to go through your poem and look for places that could be stronger.

I hope this helps, and of course, feel free to PM me if you need anything or have any questions about this review! Happy editing.

~ Elinor

Hi there, here as requested!
So, I liked this-- you put a really nice twist on the end and your rhymes were good. You might consider putting in some more work on the actual rhythm, where I felt it went off a little bit, but for a rhyming poem, you did an excellent job (I'm terrible at those). Now, because I'm less than awesome at recognizing/fixing problems in rhyming poetry, I'm going to do general awkward phrasing fixes and whatnot. It looks like the reviewers above me showed you what you need to change for the rhymes anyways.

I’ll go down the slide to the seven feet

This could really be reworded as it just feels unnatural on the tongue right now.

Wasting no time I departed the pool

Here you have an extra syllable and have created a rhythmic inconsistency; I would change "departed" to "left" even though departed probably fits better with the rest of the vocabulary/tone.

Finally when it was my turn
I sealed my eyes and glided down
Immediately when I hit the water
I was afraid I was going to drown I'd add "that" after "afraid".

Panic started to overwhelm me
And I started to have second thoughts
Only water was there to surround me
And air was what I sought

In these two stanzas, I really think that you could work harder to make this as panic filled for the reader as it is for your character. Right now it's a passive thing for us, and in order for us to feel his relief and dismay at the end, we need to share these emotions with him as well. The second thoughts part feels too late for me-- I think that if you want to use that, it needs to be in the stanza above it. I would also change the last line of the first stanza in this section. Describe the water, WHY you thought you were going to drown. Was it rushing into your mouth, your face? Did it swirl past you and almost seem to burn your body as you sank?
I think that this part could be a lot stronger.

Before descending to the pool floor

Your word choice in some parts is a bit shaky-- here for example, "descending" makes this fall feel almost soft, like there's no panic or rush or anything, when they would actually be hurtling towards the bottom in the midst of bubbles, and their skin might be stinging from hitting the water. I think that you could change that word and make the fall much more violent and concern inducing than it would be otherwise.

Waiting patiently in the line!

This lines brings up my last point: Punctuation. Now, this exclamation point is really oddly place, to begin with. This is the rising action, and yet you've created this tone here, so the climax seems almost anti-climactic. I would rework the tone gradience in the piece, and see what you can do with that. And yes, I did just make up that phrase, but it works.
I think that overall, you could play with your punctuation a bit more. It really helps define the rhythm and make sure that the reader is reading your piece they way you want it to be-- instead of having to state the tune it goes to, they can simply know by your directions in the piece.

Overall, nice piece. I love the little story you wove, and you did well with the rhyming. Good job. : )

-Coral-

HA! That last part made me chuckle. Very creative ending, very humorous.

Only one part bothered me however.

"Panic started to overwhelm me...
Only water was there to surround me..."

How about, "only water was left for me to see," or something along those lines. It runs a little smoother.

However, a nice piece. Great job.

~Panda;;

Hey there, Dots!

Sorry for being late with this review but I'm here ^^.
Now, you've gotten some decent reviews for this already so I'm not sure how much I'll help but I'll see what I can do. ^^
And on a side note, I'm terrible when it comes to reviewing poetry so don't expect too much from me. :D

The sun shone bright on a hot summer day
As I splashed inside the pool
I went no farther than the 4 feet
Oh how it was so cruel

As it was noted before, you do have some punctuation errors in here such as comma misplaces or no placements of commas at all. ^^ Therefore, I think it's important that you brush over those rules for the future.
The thing that I wanted to say about this first stanza was that I felt like it was a little weird - mostly the 'oh, how it was so cruel' part. I'm pretty sure you're referring to the fact that he/she can't go further in the pool than four feet but I think the wording choice was a little poor. "Cruel" isn't exactly the word I'd use...I can't think of one right now but maybe later. lol.

So, I actually liked this poem. I'm guessing the kid peed him/herself in the bed - no?
It was a nice twist to the ending which did amuse me so ten points for that. :)
However, as Isha has already mentioned, this does seem like a difficult piece to review properly and I know why. It's simplistic and the main mistakes have already been addressed so there isn't anything deeper that needs to be looked at. It was a fun poem to read and it did it's job so there isn't much else to comment on besides the obvious, which again has already been mentioned.

-Work on Punctuation
-Remember to make your rhymes more similar/stronger
-Try to work in some more imagery

Overall, I found this to be quite interesting and fun to read. Good job and let me know if you need anything else.

Keep at it,
-Pink

Great Poem I'm not familliar with the Gilligan Island tune, though. I think its great that you heave a twist at the end. My one comment would be that the "it was a dream" end has been done a few times. This being said, I think your title ties it all together very nicely.

Good poem! I'll agree with everyone else in saying the rhyming and rhythm was a bit off in places, but otherwise it's neat!