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My Guardian Dog - Rewritten!



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Wed Jan 26, 2011 5:21 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Spoiler! :
Hey there everyone!

A few of you have followed this novel when I posted in. I'm slowly editing it, and I'm considering it for Lauren's contest. Have a go at it, let me know what you think. For those of you who've read it; you don't have to read it if you don't feel like it. :D Thanks to all!


Spoiler! :
Also. The first paragraph might not stay there. I'm debating whether to cut it out and integrate into the story, later on. Thoughts?


Chapter 1

It’s gotten to the point where you can’t trust anyone anymore.
I wasn’t always this jaded, but working night shift in a gas station tended to show me the real side of people. The nasty side. The side they kept from everyone but me.

Lucky me.

* * *
I stepped out of the storage room at the back of the store, skilfully balancing an armful of pop cans. In my shadow trailed Riley, the hundred-and-forty-pound dog assigned to me during the shift I worked. He was completely black except for a small patch of white on his chest, a quality I found endearing. Somehow, he seemed less fierce being two-toned that way. I just hoped my clients didn’t see it that way. To them, he had to be very fierce.
I nudged open the fridge door with my elbow and deftly filled the available space while glancing at the magnificent animal by my side. At the moment he was seated with his ears pricked and his head cocked as he surveyed the store. We both knew there was nothing lurking in here with us, but his job was to keep me safe and he did it well.
There was something different about Riley. Whenever I was around the beautiful animal, I had to struggle to keep from curling my fingers in his thick fur. It looked lustrous and everything in me demanded that I touch it. But I couldn’t; it simply wasn’t permitted. The dog was there for my protection, not to be coddled or fondled. As soon as our shift ended, I could touch him but Riley was out the door at seven o’clock on the dot.
If I was at all paranoid, I’d have to wonder if he was running away from me.
I suddenly realised that while I’d permitted my thoughts to wander, I’d been staring at Riley, the fridge door wide open. Funny thing was, Riley was actually holding my stare. Huh, weird.
I let the door close and caught sight of my weary-looking eyes. There were dark bags under my eyes; there was only so much my glasses could hide. I looked pale and sickly. Am I sun deprived? I wondered. This is what a vampire must feel like. I snorted at my own foolish thoughts before turning away from my reflection and rubbing my cold arms.
I caught movement, looked up and spotted Eric, one of my regulars, jumping out of his truck.
“Riley,” I said, warning him there was a customer. “It’s okay; it’s Eric.”
With what sounded like a very human sigh, Riley headed to the back of the store and entered the storage room. Eric was one of those lazy customers who needed to get a life. He was always here at night. For that matter, he was here for every shift. He didn’t want to drive to the super market (five minutes away) for his milk or bread, pop or even toilet paper. So he showed up often to pick up what he needed. He fancied himself our best customer. I didn’t have the heart to disagree. Besides, he was probably right. After a week of Riley standing guard whenever Eric arrived, he began to relax. Eric liked to talk and buy lottery tickets, stayed around, talked and scratched. Even the formidable Riley was allowed to get bored.
I went to the door and pushed the manual lock. “Hey Eric!” I called out and smiled, letting him in. He closed the door behind him –the only rule I had for the regulars I let in- and I made my way to the front of the store, behind the counter.
Eric didn’t approach the counter as I’d expected. Instead, he stayed at the door, fidgeting with his leather coat. Why in the world was he wearing such a heavy coat in the middle of July? I frowned at him but he didn’t seem to notice. “Eric, you alright?”
His head snapped up and he met my eyes. “Yeah, sorry. Just a bit cold tonight; can’t seem to warm up, you know?”
“You might be coming down with something. Is anyone sick at home?”
“No, not yet. Maybe it’s because of the air conditioning.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
He browsed the store, walking between the aisles of chips and peanuts, passing in front of the pop cans, the juices, the energy drinks. He barely glanced at them. He headed for the milk, stopped, turned. Looked around.
“Can’t remember what you needed? Milk? Bread? Cigarettes?” I enumerated what he usually came to get.
He shook his head almost violently and my frown returned. There was something not right with him. Had he had a fight with his wife? Was there something wrong with his daughter?
He began walking decisively toward me but instead of coming to face me at the counter, he turned right. I stared in astonishment as Eric, one of my friendliest and most trusted customers, rounded the corner leading to my cash registers and said, “Where’s your dog?”
I wasn’t sure whether Riley was snoozing or marking his territory, but since I had reassured him that it was Eric I was letting in, he had disappeared into the back and hadn’t poked his nose out.
Normally, I would have told this to Eric but he had a weird look to him that was quite frankly freaking me out. Eric usually showed up several times a night. Tonight, though, was his first. Therefore, he did not know that Riley was lying in wait. Or doggy snoring. So, I shrugged. “He hasn’t come in yet. It’s weird too ‘cause that’s never happened before and his owner hasn’t called.”
Eric pushed through the little brown western-looking door and it swung back in its place with a squeak. Part of me was hoping he only wanted Aspirin or Tylenol displayed on the back wall. Maybe even a toothbrush or condoms. But when he set foot on the step leading to my cash registers –and to me- I knew two things: One, Eric was stepping into No Man’s Land. No customer was permitted behind the counter, ever. And two, I was in big trouble and my guard dog was nowhere to be found.
Lucky me.
I forced a laugh, trying to diffuse the situation. “Eric, what are you doing? You can’t get your cigarettes on your own; it’s my job.” I wasn’t stupid; I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted but I was hoping to shake him out of it.
“It’s not cigarettes I want, Shanna; it’s money.”
“You work three jobs, don’t you have enough money?”
He raked a hand through his grey-streaked brown hair. His desperate blue eyes held mine, beseeching me to understand. “It’s not enough, never enough! I work my ass off all day and at night. I work three jobs, Shanna, three! But there are always bills to pay, mortgage, cars. We need food on the table and clothes on our backs. My daughter, she’s only two years old and children that age grow so fast. It seems like every month we’re buying new clothes for her.”
Again, he ran his hand through his hair, making it stand on end. He pulled a long knife out of his pants and for just one second I paused, wondering how he’d managed to not nick anything in there with that wicked-looking blade. Then he flashed his knife in front of my eyes and I yelped, finally afraid.
I stood facing Eric, my eyes wide with shock, my heart hammering to the beat of a wild tango. I caught movement from the corner of my eye and realised that my guard dog had finally woken up. Riley! I thought with relief. I worried for a second that Eric might be carrying a gun but I could see no obvious bulges in his clothes.
Still with my peripheral vision, I noticed Riley slink behind the peanut rack, then the chip one. Because the racks were placed diagonally, with the rows facing me, Eric could not see the dog. But once Riley made it to the end of the racks and turned left toward us, Eric would be able to see him if he simply turned his head. I needed to distract the man.
Ever so slowly, I eased to the left, forcing my paralysed body to lean against the other counter. It screamed in protest; I was stepping away from the mace can I kept beside my cash register, away from the panic button that would alert the cops of my situation. Instead of panicking about my movements, Eric heaved a sigh of relief that nearly parted my hair. I realised he was keeping an eye on my hands, in case they strayed a little too close to the red button I’d sometimes used to call the authorities. Not this time, buster, my dog will take care of you, I thought.
I’d been held up before and never had I made such a fuss. The rule was simple; just give the robber the money. My life was more important than the few hundreds he might take off with. That was true; I did value my life above the stores’ money, but what held me back was the hope that Eric would see reason. If I just opened the register and poured money in a bag, the theft was a done deal. But I knew this man; he had helped me out with frustrated customers in the past. He was one of the few I actually trusted in my store at night. I knew his wife and his daughter. I felt that giving him the money would be giving up on him and I just couldn’t do that. I had to try.
I noticed Riley peer around the corner, then edge forward, keeping his eyes on me. I had to distract Eric from the huge black and white dog coming our way. “I don’t see how you can’t make ends meet, Eric. It’s not like you own a castle with fifty kids. Okay, your wife stays at home to take care of your daughter, but thousands of people do the same and they’re not here in the middle of the night . . . begging for money.” I wasn’t going to say ‘holding up the cashier for money’ because I was trying to steer him away from that thought.
Eric took a step closer to me, brandishing his knife menacingly. “You know why I need it; I gamble. It’s my passion, my hobby, the love of my life. My mistress.”
Uh, ew. We were talking about gambling, right?
“I’ve seen the way you look at me; you judge me like everyone else does.” His eyes were narrowed and his lips pulled back in a silent snarl.
“Eric, I don’t judge you.” I began talking fast, sensing he was pushing the limits of his patience. “I just wish I had known before what a problem your gambling was; I could have gotten you some help.” My eyes were pleading with his. I didn’t want him to do this; he had a little girl and a wife waiting for him at home. So far, he hadn’t threatened me except for flashing the knife around, but he himself seemed to hesitate. I studied his eyes carefully and suddenly noticed his pupils were hugely dilated. Oh my god, he was on something! What kind of drugs had he taken? Had something in his system prompted him to act so out of character? Because I simply couldn’t believe that Eric, the same handsome, friendly client I’d served for the past five years would turn on me. Not so suddenly.
My lie was apparently convincing because he paused, his knife held in mid-air. Then he narrowed his eyes again. “Gambling isn’t a problem, Shanna, it’s my life! The only problem is that Lady Luck hasn’t been on my side lately, but she is bound to. She cannot have abandoned me this way.”
"If it isn’t a lie,” I said softly, “then what are you doing here?”
His mouth opened but he did not get the chance to speak. A low, threatening growl sounded behind him and he whirled, startled. The turn was probably too fast on him because he swayed dangerously, gripping the counter to steady himself. Riley pounced on him and a second later, Eric was flat on his back. But as he went down, he jerked his knife arm backward and his knife nicked my left arm.
My scream of surprise jerked Riley’s head up and when he saw the blood pouring out of my arm, he opened his jaws wide and bit on Eric’s throat. Gently, not to hurt him, but enough to show Eric he meant business. In the meantime he growled, a truly threatening sound coming from his open mouth. Forgetting my pain, only thinking of protecting my dog, I knelt and tried pulling the knife from Eric’s grip; he refused to relinquish it. “Come on, Eric! Give it to me.”
"You can’t have it, it’s mine!” he yelled, sobbing.
My eyes flicked over to his face and I held on to a desperate laugh: he sounded like a child who didn’t want to share his toy. I once again tried to pry his fingers, but to no avail. Disgruntled, I sighed, rose, lifted my foot –wishing I’d worn stilettos instead of sneakers- and slammed my foot down on his wrist. He screamed, but held on. I brought my foot up and down again, and then I put on my full weight on his arm and leaned forward to press the tiny red button. This time, he let go. I stooped and snatched the knife from the floor, throwing it aside.
I wrenched the first aid kit out of its hiding place under the counter and keeping a wary eye on Eric, I edged around him and Riley and made my way to the bathroom. I stuck my arm under the tap and winced as the cold water washed away the blood seeping from my wound. I was reassured to realise it was only a tiny nick that a band-aid or two could cover up.
When the cops arrived, a few minutes later, I was relieved to see Natalie Sanders, my friend and roommate, and her partner Tate Channing. They walked in, looking tense and professional, hands on their holsters. They knew if I’d pressed the button instead of calling, I meant business.
“Shanna, are you okay?” Natalie asked.
“Thanks to Riley.”
With my chin, I indicated the cash registers, which they warily made their way to. Then stopped in surprise. They knew Eric, and it was obvious they weren’t expecting to see him, sobbing underneath my growling guard dog.
You and me both, friends.
Last edited by borntobeawriter on Mon May 02, 2011 1:04 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:43 pm
Baywolf says...



Darling Tanya,

As usual, your prose delights my reading taste buds. This isn't the first time I've read this chapter, but I enjoyed it all the same. I can't believe other people haven't commented on this yet. But they will. They have to. The chapter and all it contains will compel them to unleash their inner reviewers upon this piece of work.

That being said, I have one nitpick.
You and me both, friends.

Friends should be singular. Since Shanna is only talking to one other person. And also because, the phrase itself is usually used as "You and me both, friend."

That's all nit-pick wise. I've already given you my thoughts on the novel as a whole, so I don't want to drag those back out and have to dust them off. If I had a vote in this contest, you would win. But maybe I'm biased since you are my sister and all that. Haha. Anyway, good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:44 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Wow Bailey! It comes as a surprise to me that you have reviewed. *hehe*

Thank you! I will correct that not-so immediately! ;)

Tanya
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:31 pm
Spitfire says...



Okay, I don't have time to review right now (kinda still in school) but I'll get to it afterwards! <3
Last edited by Spitfire on Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:19 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Well, there's nothing for me to nitpick really, except that a few of your dialogue sentences seem to be missing quotation marks at the beginning, but that's minor.

Your descriptions and dialogue are great, and I especially love how much we've gotten into Shanna's head (even though I've already become quite acquainted with her already ;) ) without it getting confusing or anything. Um, I feel like this review is useless! So good luck on the competition, you've got some winning material here. :D

Love you!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:46 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Thank you my daughter! <3
  





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Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:45 pm
EmmaJane says...



Right! So, I did my essay (yay! *happy dance*) And so I'm here like I promised! Ahhh, I loffs this story! (: (Yes, I've read the first draft. You were a few chapters off the end when I found it. Got to chapter one and read it all the way through in one go. :L) It was addictive.

*Reads* - after getting past all the spoilers. Ha. I like the little bit at the start! Even if it feels a bit random, it adds mystique and really draws me in more. I only spotted a few things at the start:

...working night shifts in a gas station...


...working the night shift in a gas station...


~


It looked lustrous and everything in me demanded that I touch it

I really can't shake the feeling that it should have "it" at the end. When I finish the sentence in my mind I always imagine an invisible "it".

~


I caught movement from the corner of my eye


I caught a glimpse of movement


~


I stooped and snagged snatched the knife on off/from the floor, throwing it aside.


My other nit-pick is that "lucky me" is used twice (I know, so shocking ;P) but both times they're really amusing so I remember them more and when I got to the second one my sense of déjà vu distracted me. ): Although you could just ignore me 'cause I tend to get distracted by the smallest things. *Has the attention span of a squirrel*

Those are only small things, Tanya. You'd need your magnifying glass to notice them. I love the confrontation with Eric - I think the pace of that was really good, and your description... just really good! Tanya, it's always great to read your stories. And even better when I see the foreshadowing.
With what sounded like a very human sigh
Haha, love Riley. And Shanna, too. She's a really interesting narrator and sounds so real. Okay, I think I'm just rambling. Sorry. :/ I don't know what else to say other than I love this story and think it's amazing. Sequel please. :]

Good luck, Mummy!!
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

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Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:52 am
Spitfire says...



Back to finish my review!

but I honestly don't know what to say XD I've already read it, liked it (several times) and told you what was on and off. You've done good editing. I can't wait to see how the new scenes turn out to be!!

So I won't waste any more of your time..

Love you xxx
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Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:00 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey there, Tanya!

Spoiler! :
He fancied himself as our best customer.


Coming to your first line, I'd say it was pretty good. I generally like novels where there's no description in the beginning, or any kind of action, but some quote or thoughtful kind of a thing, and I really loved yours. So two thumbs up for that!

My main critique for this story would be that your introduction to the dog seemed so...immediate. What I mean is that from the title itself, and also from the synopsis, the reader would have a pretty good idea that the story is about a dog who used to serve the MC protection. So there's a lot of need for you to focus on this dog, and all the while. SO for me it'd be like killing the fun if you go on telling us all about him and MC in the beginning. Let us wonder for some time, show this person's lifestyle and how the gas station looks. Mainly because since you've already said he works in a gas station we could be wondering how life might be in there. I mean, that it's something unusual to read a person working in a different kind of setting. So wouldn't it be wonderful if you just let us breathe like the MC and then let us see everything from his eyes? One way to do this would be to maybe tell us the reason he opened the fridge or what those cans he was carrying contained? You know little things like these would definitely make your story more interesting.

Eric usually showed up several times a night. Tonight, though, was his first. Therefore, he did not know that Riley was lying in wait. Or doggy snoring. So, I shrugged. “He hasn’t come in yet. It’s weird too ‘cause that’s never happened before and his owner hasn’t called.”
I am not sure if there's something really wrong with this, or maybe it's just me freaking out, but the whole part confused me. Like, for example, Eric came a lot of time in a night? Like why? It would be better if you could let us go into that. It'd be fun to know why he usually came so many times. The next thing that maybe I didn't understand was that what you actually or exactly meant by 'lying in wait'? Maybe it's some kind of a slang so I might not have get it, but I wanted to make sure that I get across to you what I felt. And the owner? So after all Riley isn't this guy's personal dog? It might become more clear why owner is being discussed here if I understand what 'lying in wait' meant.

I stood facing Eric, my eyes wide with shock, my heart hammering to the beat of a wild tango.
Whoa, sounded lovely. Loved the description here! <3

So overall this story rocked! I loved the beginning and everything you had in there from the gambling customer to the cute protective Riley. Your words were definitely new and honestly telling it never seemed like you were trying too hard on anything. Not with your dialog, not with your sentences and never ever with the descriptions you had in there. It was balanced, crisp and the best part is that overall, as a story the concept is somewhat unique. The best part though is the concept of a person working in a gas station. I have never read anything like that and I am really enjoying it. Now that brings me to a question-so the MC doesn't help in filling people's tanks with gas? She works in a departmental store?

Now my other critique for today is something major. Like major for the character development. All this while there was one thing stuck to my mind-that the MC was supposed to be a male. I don't know whether it's for the fact that usually women don't take up night shifts, or maybe the whole thing of keeping us aloof from the character. I think you were too concentrating on the dog that you forgot that even though the dog is important for the story, even this character is important. It's not that you should be cutting down on anything you've mentioned about the dog, but it's just that you might consider bringing the Shanna's character here as a girl. It wasn't until the name came that I got a slight idea of her gender. Even then I wasn't so sure since the name's not used here, in my country, so it was new for me. But the moment where you had the stilettos thing, I knew it had to be a girl. So this is what I am talking of. Maybe small things like these could have added up to the character. Maybe like she twirled her hair back(which girls do quite often), or maybe something more girly, which might indicate us about her. Also, don't go on with her background right now. We don't need that, but just a bit of reassurance that the character is a girl, and not a boy.

And as for the Riley, I am not sure if you've ever gave us his breed. I might be mistaken, but you might wanna check that out. Like if you haven't then you should for it would be helpful in thinking about him, and picturing him do all the action. By the way, I loved the last fight kind of a scene. It was well executed. *applauds* Next thing I would say is that this can quite well be a memoir of a day by someone, so in itself it's complete. Also, let me know please if you plan to edit up the whole novel and post here, so I could review it. Like not in Advanced Critique, but as chapter-by-chapter. If you want review for the earlier version, I am here. Thanks for the fantastic read, Mom! You've done another of a favour to me. :wink:

~Shrubbery
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:13 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Suz, Emma, Shubhi!

Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, guys! And for making my work featured.

I'M way up there in the stars *awed*

Shubhi, you're right; I'm putting a lot of detail in the dog. The last version, I spent three chapters on the store and what was happening to my mc, and it needed to be reworked. This time, it's shorter because we won't see the store again after this chapter. And yes, Shanna is a girl. I'll work on adding a few more details.

Thank you, all! Much appreciated!

Mom. er- Tanya :D
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:29 pm
cassidyrose says...



This part was good. I loved how you incorporate everything. I do have one nitpick though.

Even though it doesn't show it, you have some spelling errors.

You might want to fix those, because just by reading your story I was able to figure those out.

Other then that it is a really good story, and I wish you the best of luck!

Here, There, and Everwhere,

CassidyRose

:D
I have no idea what to put so I am writing random things. There. That should be enough.
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:52 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Cassi, thank you.

Although, I'm slightly confuse. If it doesn't show, what mistakes have I made?

Tanya :D
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 2:47 am
Sins says...



Y DO i ALWAYS GET 2 THINGS L8?!?!?! D:

Yo. Sup?

As you can see, you've been pounced upon through review form by Shubhi, subtly advised by Bailey, Ranger and cassidy, and nit-picked by Emma. A.K.A. I'm screwed for this review. Oh, and you're going to beat me in the contest. First Taiga, now you. You're all out to get me, I tell ya. The lot of ya. Thieving gypsies.

Also, partly to do with your skills and partly to due with the fact that you've got a billion and one reviews already, I'm going to have to be really picky with this review. Otherwise, I'll come up with sod all.

Not (t?)his time, buster, my dog will take care of you, I thought.


Look at me getting all nit-picky. I may be wrong, but if I am, I'm a little creeped. Did you mean "this" here, not "his"? It's just that by saying "His time", I get the feeling that he's escaped impending doom or something. Not the being attacked by a dog kind though. More of a creepy Voodoo, "Your death is upon you" thing. This is entirely unrelated. Sorry.

"If it isn’t a lie,” I said softly, “then what are you doing here?”


Missing something? ;)

"You can’t have it, it’s mine!” he yelled, sobbing.


Now Tanya, I don't know if you're rebelling against speech marks, but if you are, that's mean.

You may have had some more typos, but I wasn't looking for them in the beginning, so I might not have mentioned them. I had to include nit-picks when I noticed you rebelling against speech marks. I know they look a bit funny, but they have feelings too, you know. Anyway, I'm just warning you in case I have missed something. Be sure to check over this thoroughly once again and get rid of any typos full stop. Mind you, I can't say much. I live and breathe typos. They are my gift to the world.

Okay! Critiques... Hmmm... This first one's a dodgy one. I'm not sure if this is what you were, or weren't aiming for, but I predicted at the beginning that Eric was going to try and rob your MC, but her dog would save her. I don't think the fact that I predicted it was a problem, but the fact that while I knew it was going to happen, Shanna seemed completely oblivious. It's kind of like I knew what would happen without being in the situation, but she had no idea and she was in the situation... Pretend that makes sense. I mean, the dude was clearly acting weird, plus if he was that high, wouldn't she have noticed earlier?

The only other suggestion I can come up with for you is that I found some of Shanna's reactions to Eric a bit weird. Unless it's just me and my screwed up mind, she didn't seem all that phased by the knowledge that he was attacking her at first. I mean, the guy was heading towards her, she knew that something was off, yet she joked about cigarettes with him. I see what you were trying to do, but I'd love to see you expanding on it more. To him, I think she'd seem as though she didn't suspect anything and was relaxed, but inside, she would realistically be crapping herself. I didn't get the feeling of that really. To me, she seemed a bit naive about the situation. This ties into the critique above, I guess.

Staying on the same subject, she didn't seem very surprised that he was robbing her. By that, I mean she didn't seem surprised that it was Eric, the guy she knew, robbing her. It kind of like felt she just accepted it. You did mention her being surprised here and there, but I don't know... her thoughts and actions didn't really match up... Maybe? I'm not too sure. She seemed quite relaxed about the whole situation. You had some wonderful physical descriptions, but I think it was mostly the thought process that felt a bit off to me. She didn't seem panicky, ya know?

Other than those extra, extra, extra picky critiques, I can't see much else to suggest to you. Those critiques were a little harsh and picky, but hey, it's 2:46am and I'm probably part zombie right now. Overall, I really like this, Tanya. As you may already know, violent things amuse me, especially in writing. I can't write anything without a fight or any other form of violence in it. There were brushes of violence in this, so I'm happy. You can do something I can't even try to do which is create great imagery through descriptions, and you're already building up some interesting characters here. I especially want to know what happens to Eric... and what he was on. :P

Oh, and one last thing!

I think I may have developed a new form of paranoia because I noticed that you used a lot of semi colons at the beginning of this. I'm a creep.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Spoiler! :
Holy crap, I swear to God all of the last few paragraphs above are the same size. That right there is some Voodoo, Tanya. Voodoo, I tell ya.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 44887
Reviews: 816
Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:18 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Wife!

Remember I said I was going to review this? Yeah, I'm here. I decided to finish this review first because I doubt there was much that I had to say about it since it's a revision.

For the first chapter, I can't really pick out anything that's really different from the first time you wrote this but I'm sure you've made tweaks here and there but the thing is, it's been a long time so I can't exactly remember how different things were. Anyway, casting that aside I think this is a great start yet again. You were able to show some great characteristics and by the way you've written this and I still love Riley. He's so awesome! xD

It looks like everyone has basically gotten to the fruits of the matter so I'm not going to say anything else since well, it'd be pointless and I'm not going to go into that 'super nitpicking' mode and waste space and be annoying. >.>
However, I so could do that if I wanted to.

-insert Pink wasting time here-

Ahaha. Overall, this is a great start and I like the new introduction - I don't recall you having that before but who knows. I could go back and check but I'm too lazy. :3
H'okay, I'm done!
I can't wait to read the entire revised novel! xD

Your lovely Wife/Husband,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 4887
Reviews: 13
Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:39 am
KelseySutton says...



Interesting! There was one aspect of this piece, though, that bothered me. Riley acts far too human. And I understand that animals are sensitive to our moods and they have their own personalities, but I don't believe that's to the point where they'll hold eye contact with us and understand the silent messages we're sending them. I understand this piece is about the dog and the relationship with his mistress, but I would suggest Riley only being tipped off to the fact that there's danger by a sudden movement on Eric's part or your MC screaming, and then expand the part where he attacks. Maybe something goes wrong. More of a struggle. The options are endless.

There were some grammar/wording issues here and there, but that can be taken care of simply by rereading and/or reading out loud.

Overall, I liked it! Keep writing.
  








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