Young Writers Society

I came here to this place with many others.
They are existed; I can see it on their faces.

We are grouped together, sheep in a pen
wanting to be stronger, to defend against the wolf.

Silence falls; he is going to speak.
The one we all look up to.
The shepherd who provides what we need.

"Men" he says. He does not need to speak loud
for all are listening very intently

"I am going to teach you how to be strong.
It's not hard, but when we are done,

you will be loved and admired.
You will have everything you ever wanted.
You will be beautiful, cool, and desired.

You will be fierce warriors, killing every foe.
You will strike fear into all, with this power.
Do as I say and you will be gods!"

This is greeted with thunderous applause and cheering.
Everyone immediately follows his lead.

With such great chaos, on one notices me
not moving, slowly starting to smile,
and dashing away from the group.

I find a tall hill and sit down to watch them.
With such a great promise
they mindlessly do as he commands.

I am still smiling, for I don't want to be a god.
No, I want more.

I close my eyes and see their men.
They do become warriors, fierce and proud.
They have everything they want.

They go off to battle,
but it's not for their glory.
It’s for mine.

All riches and spoils belong to me.
All their lives are mine to command.

The forces I command will be greater
then they ever fathomed.

For I have no need of strength.
No want of fame.
No need for beauty.
No use for love.

Let them become gods,
and think themselves the best.

I will be better.

I like this, its different.
Though I dont completely understand it, the imagery is great but I think the detail could be a little stronger to give a better understanding of everything.
It made me smile though, I did enjoy it though. Its a strong piece.
Well done!

I definetly write this work because it is not very simple and it seems to display a deep meaning. It was also very enjoyable.

Heya, nicchaos.

I'd like to warn you in advance that poetry really isn't my thing, so this review may not be the best in the world. I will try my best to help you out though. I'll probably concentrate more on the grammar side of things because I have an idea of how that works. If you have any comments or questions after this review, be sure to let me know because I'd be happy to answer them for you.

Overall, I like this. It's a really original idea and I think that it does have some great potential. The flow and rhythm of the poem was steady and nice too, so there aren't any problems with that. I also really like the voice of the narrator; it gives off a kind of wise vibe which I think was what you were going for. Even if it wasn't what you were going for, it works really well, so it's all good.

The main problem I'm finding here is actually a grammatical one anyway. I noticed that your spelling isn't amazingly great and neither is your punctuation. Don't get me wrong, I have seen worse. It's just that, right now, because little things bother me, the grammar is distracting me a bit. Don't worry though because it shouldn't be too hard to fix. As a whole, it wasn't too bad, but it could do with some improving.

wanting to be stronger, to defend agenst the wolf.

Should be against.

You will be fearce warriors, killing every foe.

Should be fierce.

Here are two examples of misspelled words. I can see why you made the mistakes, so don't worry too much about it. What I'd advise for you to do is to put your writing through some kind of spell-checker before you post it. Google Chrome has an automatic spell-checker, so if you haven't got that yet, you could always download and use it. If not, there are a few sites dotted around the web that have spell-checkers on them. Google it and see what you can find.

As for your punctuation, that's also not terrible, but it could do with some tweaking. I'm not going to go into too much detail about it because Rosey Unicorn has written a great tutorial on how punctuation works.
Here's the link for you:

Punctuation (By: Rosey Unicorn)

Other than the grammatical issues, I can't really see much else for you to improve on with this. If you give this a quick edit, I think it really could be great! Sorry I haven't been much help, and only really mentioned grammar... I hope I've at least helped you out with that though.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins