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Nature's Elements - Chapter Two



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17 Reviews



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Points: 1040
Reviews: 17
Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:37 am
vstarfirix says...



Hey everyone! this is the second chapter to my novel called Nature's Elements.This is my first story to Young Writer's Society, so since it's my first try, I hope I get a lot of reviews. I guess they could be good and bad, because my way of writing might be a little different. Anyways, I hope you like my story!

Chapter Two: Sophie’s diary

By now Laura had gotten a room in a hotel in Manhattan. It wasn’t what you would call comfortable. Laura had found this to be the cheapest hotel, though. It was probably built for people who were quite poor or for once who didn’t like anything too fancy. She didn’t want to waste too much of her Earth money because she was running low on it.

I wonder why humans make other humans pay money for whatever they buy, she often thought. It is kind of unnecessary and annoying for people who don’t have all that much of money.


Lesley always spent her Saturdays and Sundays in the library. Whenever she had a holiday, she always went, to the library. She just liked going there a lot because she liked to read books a lot. She was laughed at her school because the other girls in her class didn’t like her and they thought that she was a nerd. But, this didn’t bother Lesley too much. She just ignored them. This, most of the time worked. Today was the day her winter vacations began, at school. And as usual, she was at the library.

Lesley walked up the steps to the library. She usually went to the fantasy and the fiction parts of the library because she found it easier to imagine things that are supposed to be imagined in fiction and fantasy then to imagine stuff that wasn’t really supposed to be imagined like non-fiction.

Lesley looked inside. The library was big. It had brick walls that had shelves arching across them at all places. There were bookcases everywhere. There were huge signs hung from the ceilings telling the section. One the side of the wall, there were a few large sofas and poufs. There were some tables too. On the side, close to the door, there was a desk and a chair. This was where the librarian sat. There wasn’t much to be said about the librarian. The librarian was a tall, thin man. He wore half-moon glasses too. A big register was always open on his desk and a pencil was always in his hand and he was always marking the register, while muttering to himself under his breath. Yeah, also, his breath had a minty smell.

Lesley walked past him and walked towards the huge sign that said, “FICTION”. Lesley reached out for a book. She couldn’t really read the title from the biding because it was too far up. So, she usually took the book down and read it. She was standing right under the bookcase that usually held some of those small thin Scare Your Pants Off series books. They weren’t too bad. Lesley had heard recently, that there was a new Scare Your Pants Off series book called The Muddy Monster released. So, as you must have already guessed, she had wanted to read the book.

But, this time when Lesley took down the book and read the title, she found out that this wasn’t a Scare Your Pants Off series book. No, the book wasn’t entirely different.

The book had a worn cover. The edges were outlined with gold or they could be very beautifully be gold plated. The edges of the pages were outlined with gold ink. The cover was red in color with a purplish tinge. The cover didn’t have a title. It just had a picture of a snake.

How odd. Lesley thought as she looked at the book.

On the binding, there wasn’t anything. It had a strange smell too. Lesley felt some familiarity to the book, like she had known it before, but she didn’t know where.

Lesley opened the book. The pages of the book were yellowish and worn. Some bits of the pages of the books were even torn! One the first page, there was nothing written. She turned the page. There was nothing there too. She flipped the page. On this page, there wasn’t anything written. There was just that weird snake again!

Now this is just getting kind of freaky! Where have I seen this book before? She thought.

Lesley turned the page. There was something written here. With some closer inspection, Lesley found that it was English but it had been written in a very curvy way. The strange thing was, unlike normal books, nowadays, the book was not printed. It was written, by hand.

Lesley looked at what was written there and just the first line she read explained what the book was. It was a diary. The first line was like this: May 21st, Thursday.

She felt quite queasy. She wasn’t the type of girl who was snoopy and liked to look at other people’s secrets. But then she remembered. The Diary of Adrian Mole (not that she had ever read this book or had ever wanted to, Lesley had just picked it up from the library and flipped through inside. She had read a few bits and she had seen that it was a diary. It was probably for older people so she had left it back in the bookcase) and Anne Frank (this time, she had read it) were some examples of diaries published so that other people could read them. So maybe this was one too!

She read the first page of the book.

May 21st, Thursday

I don’t know how longer I am going to be able to stand this torture. The myriad Myrons are too cruel. We work for them because they tell us that they are going to feed us and give us a place to sleep, but they throw us out onto the sand and dust telling us that, that was what we could eat and sleep! We are planning to stop working for them, but there is a flaw in that plan! There is a chance that the Myrons might start to kill us too! I have stolen this book from the Myron family I was working for. I am sure that they would torture me until I begged for death if they found out. I stole this book because I was feeling lonely. I guess there is no hope left for any of our people. I just hope that the Lorans had a place to go to! There doesn’t seem to be a place we could go to. Well, by now, you must be wondering what I am talking about and who I am. Okay then, let me tell you.

My name is Sophie Laramie. I am 12 ½. I come from a rich family, the Laramie’s. My parents were rich but they died a few months after I was born. I was born on June 12th. I didn’t know how they were, but I think that they were murdered. I was sent to an orphanage. Then, the King was murdered. They say that he was poisoned in his sleep. A few years after that, when I was 8, a new king and queen came to power. They were different. They started to make these strange rules. Then, I realized what they were doing. They were trying to squeeze us out of the country! Then, slowly, all of the world’s countries, kings and queens started to die. Then, these strange kings and queens came to power. This was all done very smoothly. At first nobody noticed anything. Then, the king and queens announced that they were called ‘Myrons’. More and more of our people joined there side, mainly because they didn’t want to be tortured and killed. Because of this, the number of our people lessened. Now, the Myrons are taking over the world. I hope that the other people also hope like me that this is going to end. I hope that this does really end. I hope that if this doesn’t end someone thinks of something to get rid of these Myrons.

A hopeful girl, voting for peace, signing of,
Sophie


The diary entry stopped over here. Lesley felt slightly shaken. She didn’t feel like reading the second diary entry any more (yes, she felt like she wanted to before). She took the book and put it back into the shelf.

Maybe this was really a diary of a girl, Lesley thought, as she reached out her hand to put the book back into the shelf, yes, it probably was.


Yeah, this is the end of my chapter. Did you like it? Please review!

My next chapter is: Chapter Three: The plan of the Laramies Hope you like that one as well!
"We are all mad here." said the Cheshire cat.
Alice In Wonderland

Read my story chapters: Nature's Elements - Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four.
  





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377 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22732
Reviews: 377
Wed Jan 05, 2011 4:53 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey Star, I'm Jai and I'm going to review this for today. I haven't read the previous chapter, just so you know.

First off, you might like to hide your Author's Note in a spoiler, move it to the bottom of your chapter, or get rid of it all together. It just looks a tad unprofessional, and we want to read your story, not read about your life/how long you've been working on your story/pleas to read your story. But that's my opinion, other people mightn't care less.

The second thing I noticed before I even read your story was: Lesley Lesley Lesley Lesley Lesley Lesley Lesley. Generally it's encouraged to start new paragraphs with a different word each time.

Now on to the review :)

By now Laura had gotten a room in a hotel in Manhattan. It wasn’t what you would call comfortable. Laura had found this to be the cheapest hotel, though. It was probably built for people who were quite poor or for once who didn’t like anything too fancy. She didn’t want to waste too much of her Earth money because she was running low on it.

I found nothing wrong with this opening besides the lack of excitement or oomph coming from it. The sentences were all very short, so there was no diversity of length. The addition of the word "though" isn't necessary. "It wasn't what you would call comfortable, but Laura had found this to be the cheapest hotel without the fear of murder or bed bugs as an even cheaper motel on the bad side of town would have provoked." While my sentence isn't really any better, you'd be surprised at how much a little bit of emotion and description added to your story will make it so much more believable and more fun to read.

I wonder why humans make other humans pay money for whatever they buy, she often thought. It is kind of unnecessary and annoying for people who don’t have all that much of money.

Okay, so from what I've read so far, Laura's side of the story, these two paragraphs aren't really necessary to the story, are they? You haven't written anything interesting, only said, basically, that Laura was now in a cheap hotel. Either elaborate greatly on this section of story, or remove it. Someone on YWS talked about this. If you're writing one paragraph parts for a person just to remind the reader that that person was still in the story, you're not doing it right.

Lesley always spent her Saturdays and Sundays in the library. Whenever she had a holiday, she always went, to the library.

Redundancy! Also, why that extra comma?

She just liked going there a lot because she liked to read books a lot.

Um... please use more descriptive language. You've got to write as if you're an adult, not a child.

She was laughed at her school because the other girls in her class didn’t like her and they thought that she was a nerd. But, this didn’t bother Lesley too much. She just ignored them. This, most of the time worked. Today was the day her winter vacations began, at school. And as usual, she was at the library.

More redundancy, and more weird comma placements. Look: But [PAUSE] this didn't bother Lesley too much. This [PAUSE] most of the time worked. Today was the day her winter vacations began [PAUSE] at school.

She usually went to the fantasy and the fiction parts of the library because she found it easier to imagine things that are supposed to be imagined in fiction and fantasy then to imagine stuff that wasn’t really supposed to be imagined like non-fiction.

What? Suddenly you forgot to use commas. Also, the sentence is way too long for the information you're trying to convey.

Lesley looked inside. The library was big. It had brick walls that had shelves arching across them at all places. There were bookcases everywhere. There were huge signs hung from the ceilings telling the section. One the side of the wall, there were a few large sofas and poufs. There were some tables too. On the side, close to the door, there was a desk and a chair. This was where the librarian sat. There wasn’t much to be said about the librarian. The librarian was a tall, thin man. He wore half-moon glasses too. A big register was always open on his desk and a pencil was always in his hand and he was always marking the register, while muttering to himself under his breath. Yeah, also, his breath had a minty smell.

While I asked for description earlier, here I have to tell you too much information without breaks looks and feels dull. Shelves, uh huh. Bookcases, oh that's nice. Sofas, cool. Well, I'ma gonna skip to the next paragraph now.

She couldn’t really read the title from the biding because it was too far up.

*binding.

So, she usually took the book down and read it.

What do you mean, "So, she usually took the book down." You should never say, "So,". Everything you write is what is real. Why would you write something that can be debated?

She was standing right under the bookcase that usually held some of those small thin Scare Your Pants Off series books. They weren’t too bad. Lesley had heard recently, that there was a new Scare Your Pants Off series book called The Muddy Monster released. So, as you must have already guessed, she had wanted to read the book.

Very boring...

On the binding, there wasn’t anything. It had a strange smell too. Lesley felt some familiarity to the book, like she had known it before, but she didn’t know where.

You need to rearrange some of your sentences and add some descriptions, metaphors or similies. "There wasn't anything notable on the spine of the book, and it had a strange smell. It reminded her a bit like leather. Something about the book stuck a memory or feeling within Lesley, but when she groped for the fleeting image, it fluttered away like a butterfly in the wind."

Lesley opened the book. The pages of the book were yellowish and worn. Some bits of the pages of the books were even torn! One the first page, there was nothing written. She turned the page. There was nothing there too. She flipped the page. On this page, there wasn’t anything written. There was just that weird snake again!

There is no need to have exclamation points in the actual narrative. Ever. In thoughts of characters, yes. In dialogue, yes. Not in the actual narrative of the story.

The strange thing was, unlike normal books, nowadays, the book was not printed. It was written, by hand.

Too many commas. Not enough description. Very poorly executed.

The Diary of Adrian Mole (not that she had ever read this book or had ever wanted to, Lesley had just picked it up from the library and flipped through inside. She had read a few bits and she had seen that it was a diary. It was probably for older people so she had left it back in the bookcase) and Anne Frank (this time, she had read it) were some examples of diaries published so that other people could read them. So maybe this was one too!

"She looked around and noticed no one watching. It wouldn't hurt to read a few pages, would it? She thought. Lesley bit her lip and turned the page."

May 21st, Thursday

Okay, think for a second. If this is a very old story, from a long time ago, but not too long, you have to ask yourself if the writer would write the date like this. Look it up.

Well, by now, you must be wondering what I am talking about and who I am. Okay then, let me tell you.

No, not really. You don't need this sentence at all.

My name is Sophie Laramie. I am 12 ½. I come from a rich family, the Laramie’s. My parents were rich but they died a few months after I was born. I was born on June 12th. I didn’t know how they were, but I think that they were murdered. I was sent to an orphanage

Your sentences are all over the place. Would an orphan really know all of this?

Then, the King was murdered. They say that he was poisoned in his sleep. A few years after that, when I was 8, a new king and queen came to power. They were different. They started to make these strange rules. Then, I realized what they were doing. They were trying to squeeze us out of the country! Then, slowly, all of the world’s countries, kings and queens started to die. Then, these strange kings and queens came to power. This was all done very smoothly. At first nobody noticed anything. Then, the king and queens announced that they were called ‘Myrons’. More and more of our people joined there side, mainly because they didn’t want to be tortured and killed. Because of this, the number of our people lessened. Now, the Myrons are taking over the world. I hope that the other people also hope like me that this is going to end. I hope that this does really end. I hope that if this doesn’t end someone thinks of something to get rid of these Myrons.

I'm sorry, but I can't believe this. Why would a child know all this, let alone figure this out herself? It's not very probable.

A hopeful girl, voting for peace, signing of,

*off

The diary entry stopped over here.

*stopped there.

Lesley felt slightly shaken. She didn’t feel like reading the second diary entry any more (yes, she felt like she wanted to before). She took the book and put it back into the shelf.

These asides you're writing don't add anything to the book.

So.

Overall.

This isn't bad. You are a decent writer, you just don't write enough description in the places that require description, and you have far too many commas through your work. Why don't you write the story from Sophie's perspective? Her story seems so much more interesting than Laura's or Lesley's.

Your writing is of a very good level for your age, so well done in that regard. You only need a little bit more practice to become even better.

Please reply to this review with any queries or questions directly in this thread. Thanks :)

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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17 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 17
Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:20 pm
vstarfirix says...



Dear Jai,

In your review, you have noted that Sophie can't know all of those things. It's simple. In the next chapter or so, I have clearly noted out that she lives with the other Laramies. The other Laramies could have told her about all of that, couldn't they?

Keep reading and reviewing!

vstarfirix
"We are all mad here." said the Cheshire cat.
Alice In Wonderland

Read my story chapters: Nature's Elements - Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four.
  








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