Young Writers Society

Rewritten with 50% less randomness! 8D
Feed Backs/Likes so that I know someone is actually reading this ._.

"Shush you idiot, they might hear us."
The woman closed the door and locked it. Then she shifted to me and stomped on my chest.
"Guh!" I held back my voice, crushing the note in my hand.
She noticed the crushed note and snatched it from my hand. Reading it and realizing her actions, she released her dreadful boot from my chest and snarled at me. Geez, what's her problem?
"You must be Axelle Eade I presume?" I felt like my lungs were crushed.
"Yes, I am," she said shortly after. "He didn't tell you about our plans didn't he?"
I looked at her, confused. "What plan?"
Axelle did not reply, she only grabbed a piece of paper and began to write. After she finished, she shoved the paper to me and said, "Take this and leave now."
I quickly followed her orders. I left the house and looked at it. The buildings were crushed together, making it difficult to distinguish the range of her house. The four-panel window turned to darkness as I took a step back. I slowly unfolded the paper and examined it: You fool, I do not know who you are but it seems that he trusts you to be a part of this plan. I will not waste my time so I’ll only make a quick brief. The plan is to do whatever it takes to destroy the enemy within the castle. If you must ask me why, find me in the quilt market at the seventh hours.

Destroy? Who exactly? I folded the paper and thrust it in my pocket as I headed back to the Executioner's Den. I stared at the door to the warrant’s meeting. I sighed and grabbed my chest in pain when I opened the door.
The warrants glared at me until one of them said, "Where were you Vincent?"
"Oh nothing, I was having fun, that's all," I said in mockery.
"Having fun?" he retorted. "You were suppose to be here 30 minutes ago you imbécile!"
"Well, then you shouldn't put this meeting in the late night then!" I growled at them and left the meeting. I gave out a gloomy sigh as I stare at the ground. Now I've really done it. They're pissed at me all right. I headed back to my Den, and I opened the door, I gave an intent look at my bed. The warrants might be the ones who took me in after my father died, but I never got along with them very well. Our only connection with each other was I was an executioner and they were the warrants. The only person I respected in this place was Rod; he was a rebellious type like me. He actually listened to me when I had troubles as a young adult. I sighed and sat on the bed, I laid down on the bed as I began to talk to myself. “It’s not like I want to stay here… it’s just that… if I leave this place, I have nowhere else to go.”
After several minutes, I yawned and fell asleep.

The morning was quiet, no poundings, no rambling from the warrants, nothing. Such a nice day. Waking up to the sound of birds singing refreshed my head from last night. I did my usual morning routine and set off to the market. I searched around for the quilt market and saw Axelle standing behind the counter, being the opposite of what I saw last time. She noticed me and gave me a bright smile with silent deadly words.
"Go to the back."
I followed as commanded and moved to the back of the market. I waited for her and as soon as she reached the back, her mood turned foul.
"Hmph, I didn't expect you to come," she sneered.
"Well, I am curious, you know," I said.
"Just to be in short, there’s someone from inside who have been raising the taxes on the commoners and killing them off for no reason at all. Haven't you notice?"
I shook my head, wishing that I knew how they felt. "No, I may be a commoner but my work keeps myself from having a life like theirs."
"Work?" she glared at me. "You're... you're an executioner aren't you?!"
She pushed me against the wall and barked at me. "You kill him didn't you?"
Panicking, I responded, "It was an execution round! How do you think I can get him out of there with every single nobles looking at me!"
"You executioners are all entertainers, that's what you are!" she grabbed my shirt and swung me to the edge of the wall. "You're all animals, tamed beasts that only follow their master's order!"
My head was getting lightheaded, my visions turned to two every time I blinked. That really hit me hard. I did not have time to recover as Axelle came back for a second round. She pulled me up and looked at me in the eye. Although it was hard to gaze back at her because I could see two of her every time I bat an eyelid. All of the sudden, she stopped and released me. Shaking my head did not help ease the vertigo, but I performed it either way. I groaned as she sighed and apologized.
“Sorry, it seems that my emotions got the best of me.” She laid her back on the wall and slowly slid down into a sitting position.
Giving out another loud groan, I asked, “So... what is this, oh so, plan of yours again?”
“I already told you, we need to find the person responsible for all this,” she scoffed.
“Then tell me, how is killing the king’s daughter have to do with any of this?”
“Killing his daughter? What are you talking about?”
“Wasn’t that in your plan? The king said that the Sandman killed his daughter.”
“That can’t be right, his only mission was to infiltrate the castle and give me the information, besides, I only heard that he was executed.”
I was astonished. “But the note that he gave you, it was written in both sides, I did not see any info.”
“That’s because you’re a fool, he wrote it in washable ink, all you need to do is wash the note and put it over a fire. The hidden message will reveal after that,” she said.
Realizing, I nodded my head like an idiot. Axelle then rose and said, “Well I got to get back to work, you’re in the Executioner’s Den right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I’ll send you words when I need you, ‘till then.” She walked toward me and gave me a grip on my collar. “You better not tell any one of your masters or else I will rip your spine out.”
Axelle then walked away from my sight. How are you going to rip my spine out if you’re already dead by the time I tell the warrants? I chuckled and left the back. I placed my hands in my pockets as I looked back at the quilt market. Axelle smiled and gave the woman the quilts.
“De rien, please come back anytime.”
I wonder how she changes her mood so quickly. She noticed me staring as she sneered at me. “What are you still doing here?”
I hesitated and sighed; I went back to the market and fixed my eyes on the quilts behind Axelle.
“Well I didn’t plan anything for today…” she gave me an imprudent look, I bit my lips and alleged, “and there’s no execution rounds for me today so I have nothing to do now.”
Her expression turned dark, we both gazed at each other. I bestowed a grin on her as she sighed. Her eyes twitched when she asked, “So what do you want me to do exactly?”
“I don’t know, maybe I can help?”
She growled at me and finally gave in. “Fine, get in the back, talk to Diane she probably needs help over there.” She pointed to Diane, who was having a hard time carrying those boxes. I made a chuckled and climbed over the counter.
“There’s a door over there you know!” Axelle yelled at me.
I apologized and looked at Diane. I grabbed the box and asked, “Where do you want me to put this?”
She glared at me and scoffed. “I could have done that all by myself.”
“Well can you tell me where I should put this because it’s really heavy.”
She walked over to an empty space on the wall and pointed. “Leave it right now.”
I walked to the space and slowly lowered it down. She stared at me, looking disappointed that I helped her. “Merci.”
“De Rien.”
I went back to Axelle and placed my elbows on the counter. She gradually scooted away from me. “What do you want now?”
“I just finished helping, so now I have nothing else to do.”
She frowned and stared at the sky, thinking. “Well, I think I’ll take the rest of the day off for today.” She then turned her head to me. “Mind if you come?”
Aren’t you just skipping work? It’s still the morning. “I would, but I barely know you.”
“Don’t worry, if you try to attack me, I’ll just slam you to the wall like I did last time.”
She got a point. I shrugged and walked out of the store with her as we headed to her house. I placed my thumbs into my pocket and yawned, the air tickled my nose as I gave out a loud sneeze. Axelle looked at me in disgust and complained, “Don’t you have manners?!”
“Well sorry, I didn’t think that you were one of those people.”
She looked even angrier than before. “Are you implying that I’m like a filthy l’homme just because I kick your ass like one?”
I stammered and did not reply. Trying to change the topic, I asked, “Who was the Sandman?”
“His name was Absolon, whoever thought of that nickname is an idiot.” She stayed quiet for the next few steps. “Absolon was a respected man for the commoners. He was never seen since last week after I send him on his mission.”
“Do you think that he actually killed the princess?”
“No, he would never do that. Absolon was the nicest guy here.”
We reached her doorsteps as she slowly took out her keys and opened it. Axelle signaled me in. I wasn’t able to have a good look at her house last time I was here. The insides didn’t really looked common like. In fact, why is there a red leather couch right there? It must have been expensive. I looked at Axelle’s clothing; it wasn’t an ordinary dress of a commoner either.
“Say Axelle…” I attracted her attention toward me. She slowly placed her China tea sets down; the cups and plates were imprinted with red and blue flowers. The top of the teapot was crowned with a reflective ruby. She raised her right eyebrows and waited for my question. “I know that you care about the commoners and all, but why are you living like one?”
“What do you mean?” she answered me with a question.
“What I mean is… these aren’t commoner stuff. There is no way an ordinary person could afford this. Which would lead me to this; you’re a noble aren’t you?”
Axelle glared at me. “So? I rather stay here as an average, everyday person instead of a fat, loathsome, spoiled, girl.”
Aren’t you being like one? I mean you have all these furniture that commoners can barely afford.
I stopped arguing, knowing for the past hours of talking with her, arguments were futile. She sighed, lifted the tray, placed it on the table and asked, “Thé?”
Taking a whiffed of the smell of the tea, I smiled. “Its vanille isn’t it?”
“Oh? How did you know?”
“It’s the tea my mother use to make, it’s my favorite.”
She and I sat on her leather couch, I grinned as I took a sip of the vanille. It brought back memories of my mother’s warm tenderness. I closed my eyes, grinning like an idiot, and when I opened them back, I turned to Axelle as she gave me an awkward look. Snickering, I said, “Sorry, it’s just that vanille really relaxes me.”
“I can see that,” she said. Axelle dazed as she seemed to forget about something. “I never asked for your name.”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “The name’s Vincent Laroche.”
“Axelle Charpentier.”
“Wait, I thought it was Eade.”
“That’s my commoner name; Charpentier is the name of my royal family.”
During our tea time, I actually had a friendly chat with Axelle for once. Like anyone would do, we talked about our interest, although she kept on mentioning wolves in every topic I brought up. The sky had gotten dark before we knew it. I walked out of her door and before I waved goodbye, she said, “Tomorrow, I’m not going to be at the market so don’t bother to go there, and if you happen to go across it, don’t talk to Diane.”
“Why?” I asked.
“She’s… a little bit unstable, but I don’t trust her, don’t answer to anything she asks. I’m aware of her position of spying me. My only problem is that I do not know who she is working for.”
I nodded and said, “Alright, I’ll remember that.”
“Good, bonne nuit.” She closed the door. I sighed and watched her windows turned black.

---

Rawr! I've rewritten this as I've rewritten chapter 1! 8D
Don't you just love violent bipolar people (*cough*Axelle*cough*) ?
=3= I already finish chapter 4 but I don't wanna upload it now, I got maplestory to play!

Hey Roal!

I'm here to review this for you. Hopefully, I'll have hardly any critiques now that you've edited this. We'll see! If you have any questions or anything after my review, be sure to let me know because I'd be happy to answer them for you.

Before I go deep into the review, there's something that caught my eye at the beginning. I think you may have worded something wrong. Either that, or I just read it wrong. I do think it's phased a bit weirdly though...

Then she shifted to me and stomped on my chest.

You tend to stomp on things with your feet, right? Therefore, I had this really weird mental image of some woman grabbing Vincent, pushing him to the floor, and standing on his chest. I'm assuming you meant that the woman punched his chest or something? If that is the case, all you need to do is change the word stomped to something else.

Reading on, I realise that you did mean literally stomped on his chest. Uh... How did she get him down to the floor? Also, there's no mention of him standing back up again either. Basically, I'm a little confused at thsi part. I think you should make sure that every action your character makes is clearer. Either that, or I just get confused realy easily...

As a whole, I definitely prefer this version of chapter three compared to the last one. I like how you've extended the ending, making the chapter a bit fuller. It's also a good ending, by the way! What I noticed as well about the ending was that it was at a nice pace. It was nice and slow, but now too slow. It gave us a chance to get to know Axelle better, and also a bit more about Vincent too, I guess. Well done for that.

The only problem I have with this now is still kind of what I said in the last review. Although you have definitely improved - the ending, for example, but the bits at the beginning do still feel a little rushed in places. For example, when Vincent visits the house at the beginning. I want you to describe more of what happens there. You could even just describe what the room looks like a little, but don't do it in to much detail; that could get too boring, if I'm honest.

I'm also still finding the meeting Vincent went to was rushed. I understand that you maybe want him to leave before even really doing anything, but it does feel a bit out of place. To be honest, I think it would work fine if you didn't even have that bit in there. You could have him think about the meeting, but then deciding tha he can't be bothered, and instead, he goes back to his house. His time int he meeting is awfully brief right now, and he doesn't do anything there anyway. I don't htink there'd be much of a problem if he simply didn't turn up. It's up to though.

Other than that though, this is going really well, so far! Keep writing!

Merry Christmas!

xoxo Skins