Young Writers Society

NOTE: This is the revised prologue to my first complete novel, Rebirth. I'm in the process of rewriting the entire thing, so any comments you have on improvements to this are greatly appreciated. Tear it to shreds people!

And for anyone who was following Kiss of Death, this is why I've had to put that on hold. I hope to get this published, you see.



Prologue

In the beginning of this Living World, the World was One and the World was Whole. There were no divisions in colour, no divisions in place and look. Divisions were foreign conceptions to us because we were a whole. An Entire.

But then we fell. We fell far, and when we fell we scattered. Hatred and fear awoke in us for the very first time, we became aware of others, in them we noticed differences. We could see another wandering lost and call them a stranger.

We forgot what it was we once had. We began to fight amongst ourselves and started wars. Some still remembered. But they were few. And when they tried to speak out in our torn, violent World, we killed them, silencing their voices forever.

We didn’t know the meaning of wrong or right any longer. No one was able to achieve anything but the latter for so long.
And then the Great Heroes came. They united us. Warring nations lay down their weapons and stood side by side, prepared to face the evil of that time. And together, it was defeated. Not quite destroyed, but defeated, and at that time it was enough.

But then the Heroes died. They died and as their bodies turned to ash so did our remembrance of them, dying as a forgotten fire. And nearly two centuries later we have become twisted again. Old wars have started again. The Nations isolate themselves from one another. And a new evil is on the horizon.

And yet, I have seen rays of hope. I have seen them in small acts of kindness. The early younglings remember the way the World once was before they learn its tongue, and so do the older creatures of the World. All is not yet lost.

Once, I gave up on the World. But now I have changed my mind. The Reborn are coming, and I will watch over them. I can only hope that they are up to the great task that lies ahead of them. But I must have hope. I must.

We will be an Entire again.



I wait. I have been waiting for so very long. For the Reborn. Not because I care for the prophecies around them, not because of those hoping for a saviour from the war I have wrought. But because they are variables; players in this game which I cannot control. The rumours of their existence might be false. And even if they aren’t, the Reborn might do nothing. But they are still variables. And for that they must die. Not yet though. Soon. After I’ve seen what they can do. Especially the Phantasm.

But I don’t plan to let them stop me. Never.

Ananias has a plan. That one is always plotting. Against me sometimes. But I haven’t any choice but to watch him, for his abilities are useful to me.

He has found the Phantasm, and plans to query her again. She has power that one. And I need it. Even more importantly, I want it.

Fidus always brings me scrolls. I must have read almost a thousand prophecies since we moved to this barren, cold place. But both the knowledge of the scrolls and this move is for my safety.

It is in the midst of reading that I am interrupted. Two of my Elite Guards drag a half-living boy into my throne room. He has been whipped so that there is barely a distinction between blood and the tissue underneath his skin, so that on his right arm I see the pink start of a muscle beneath the red mess. I wonder how he still lives.

The Guards throw the boy to the floor; he is too weak to rise. They kneel to me, and their noses nearly touching the floor; one says:

“Your Imperial Majesty, my apologies for the interruption.”

“What is it Forin? You see clearly I am busy.”

Upon hearing his name Forin lifts his head. He stands, and pulls the boy to his feet.

“Sorry, Your Majesty. But this boy,” and here he shakes the bloodied fellow who nearly falls to the floor again, “is a traitor. He was a servant in the Outer Shell, and we found that he had been communicating with the locals. He is a mole for them, and we believe he has been trying to find out your location.”

“So you bring him to me? For what?”

Forin grins, and I see that his teeth are yellowing. “For irony, Your Majesty. For irony.”

I glare at him, and he looks away. But the boy, the spy, is looking at my face. Into my eyes. And in his I see the hardness that may have made him into a good warrior. There is absolutely no remorse in those eyes.

Under the guide of my arts, his body bursts into a ball of fire. Both guards jump back; smiling. Animals. Do they not see the waste of potential?

The flames die and only ash remains. I tell them to clear the mess fast, and they do so without a moment’s hesitation lest I show more anger.
 

Tiger, this great!

I think it's worth waiting for Kiss of Death if this is what you come up with. I love stories that speak of the begining of time. I can't wait to find out where this is going

I didn't find any mistakes, nothing to comment upon. Brilliantly done! *pats Tiger and throws her a meerkat*

Thanks for the request, sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Hi there, Tiger! I'm here to review as requested. Sorry it took a little longer than I'd hoped.

Hatred and fear awoke in us for the very first time, we became aware of others, in them we noticed differences.

I know what you're saying here (I think >.<) but it sounds awkward to me, because for a moment I wondered if you meant that the fear awoke for the very first time, or that they became aware of others for the very first time. If I understand correctly, both are correct, but you mean to be saying the former one. I think. Well I think the whole mess could be cleared up if you made the comma after "others" into a period. Oh, and I think even if you don't change the comma you should put an "and" before "in them," (some people don't like to start sentences with "and," but personally I think they're full of prunes ^.^). Thus: "Hatred and fear awoke in us for the very first time. And we became aware of others, in them we noticed differences."

We began to fight amongst ourselves and started wars.

Isn't that redundant? >.<

We didn’t know the meaning of wrong or right any longer. No one was able to achieve anything but the latter for so long.

I was a little confused by this. If I read correctly, you're saying that people couldn't understand the difference between (essentially) good and bad, because everything had been good for so long? But haven't you just gotten through talking about how people started fighting and lost their unity and such? Doesn't that mean that it had been bad for a long time? That they couldn't differentiate between right and wrong because it had been wrong for so long? Or maybe I just don't understand what you're saying.

Warring nations lay down their weapons and stood side by side, prepared to face the evil of that time. And together, it was defeated. Not quite destroyed, but defeated, and at that time it was enough.

Sentence #1: I believe you mean "laid." Sentence #2: this one sounds odd to me, because it makes it seem like the "together" is referring to the "it." I think you may want to change it to something more like "and together, we defeated it," so that the "together" is referring to the "we." Sentence #3: the repetition of "it" is rather confusing, because I almost thought you were saying that the danger (which had been called "it") was good enough, which doesn't make any sense. >.< So maybe say "...at the time that was good enough," instead?

Ananias has a plan. That one is always plotting. Against me sometimes. But I haven’t any choice but to watch him, for his abilities are useful to me.

He has found the Phantasm, and plans to query her again. She has power that one. And I need it. Even more importantly, I want it.

Sorry this is so nit-picky, but the repetition of "that one" rather bothered me...

He has been whipped so that there is barely a distinction between blood and the tissue underneath his skin, so that on his right arm I see the pink start of a muscle beneath the red mess.

Ew. >.< *ehem* What I meant to say was this: I'm sorry to harp on you about this repetition thing, but you say "so that" twice in this sentence... well... I'd rather you didn't. ^.^ Maybe try, "He has been whipped so that there is barely a distinction between blood and the tissue underneath his skin. On his right arm I see the pink start of a muscle beneath the red mess." It's still... ew... but I think that's better. ^.^

I tell them to clear the mess fast, and they do so without a moment’s hesitation lest I show more anger.

This sentence isn't all that bad, but since it's the last line I think you should make it a bit more punchy. Firstly, saying "clear the mess fast" sounds colloquial (to me, anyway) and since the rest of the piece is not colloquial at all, it feels out of place. Maybe try "quickly" or even "with speed?" Also, even though the sentence isn't very long, it feels a bit like a run on because of the last bit. I would suggest trying (a variation of) one of the following:
"I tell them to clear the mess quickly. They do so without a moment’s hesitation, lest I show more anger."
"I tell them to clear the mess quickly, and they do so without a moment’s hesitation. Lest I show more anger."
"I tell them to clear the mess quickly, and they do so without a moment’s hesitation--lest I show more anger."
------------------------

Overall, I am very intrigued! I agree with Tanya: this has a very captivating beginning. Starting with the start of time is very effective for stories like what I think this is going to be. It's been done before, but don't worry about that--I have a feeling this novel won't have trouble being original. ^.~ Though the tone and feel of it remind me a little of The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin--have you read it? I think you'd like it. Anyway, back to the review. I'm actually most intrigued by the character. Who is he/she/it? Right now, they appear to be some sort of god or something (which is part of why I'm reminded of Jemisin's book) who was born with the Earth and has survived all of the Earth's history. Here I get a little confused, though, because in the first part, the MC was just part of "we," which I assumed to mean that they were human. But after reading more, I see that if they actually experienced all those things then there is no way they are merely human. I'm not saying this confusion is bad, or that you should necessarily change it, but I just want to be sure that it was intentional. The main thing that intrigues me about the character is their mixture of compassion and hardness. It is definitely not human. They have values that are hard to relate to as a human being. They appear selfish (killing the boy and only regretting it as a waste of potential) but I think they are in it (whatever "it" turns out to be) for some greater cause. I look forward to getting to know/hate/love them!

I don't really have any big complaints about this--overall it's an excellent introduction to a novel, methinks!--but I do have a few issues with it. Firstly, I'll talk about the style. It's choppy. With lots of short sentences. That aren't even grammatical. Sometimes. ^.~ Sometimes they aren't short sentences, but they're just very separate; each sentence is something new, and it doesn't build on or continue from or meld with the ones before/after it. There's nothing wrong with not being grammatical, or with being choppy, but I just want you to question if it's right for the piece. I've only read one other thing you've written (I think... >.<) and that was The Last Day, for which the choppy style worked beautifully. So I don't know if you just have a sort of choppy writing voice naturally, or if you put it on when you think it's appropriate. I'll just say that while it is very powerful to make things choppy once in a while, if you do it all the time it can get a little bothersome. It can start to feel a bit pretentious, like you want people to know that everything you're saying is really really important. Or it can start to feel a little bare. It can also, of course, be stunning. So it's up to you, ultimately, but my two cents would be to work on your flow in some places (especially descriptive passages) and allow other places to be choppy. It will make the choppy parts more powerful, methinks.

Along the same lines, I would like a few more descriptive passages. Add in a paragraph or two in which nothing happens. Paragraphs whose whole point is to paint a picture. For instance, the whole first part is just concerning itself about what happened. It sounds like a folktale that might have been repeated for generations. That's part of why it took me a little while to realize that the narrator had actually witnessed these things, because he/she/it was saying them as though they had heard them from someone else, not actually witnessed them them-self. It's not so much an issue in the second part, but I still suggest you take it into consideration when (re)writing the rest of the novel.

Another thing that I wonder about is this: is the rest of the novel going to take place in the time/POV of the second part of this? If so, it might be a little odd to have the time switch be in the middle of the prologue. What I mean is, the first part of this (where the narrator recounts the history of the World) feels like a prologue, and the second part feels like the start of the story. So maybe move that second part (with the whipped boy) into the first chapter? Obviously, I have no idea what you have planned for this, so my suggestion might be completely off-target, but it's just a thought I had. ^.^

Overall, like I said before, I see a lot of potential in the story/characters/world you've set up, and I really don't see much that you could improve upon at this point. I'll just have to stay tuned and see if I can find something bigger to complain about in the next chapter, I guess!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help! As always, feel free to PM me or write on my wall with questions/comments/etc.

a

HAI.

I'm late. D: Youv'e already gotten one of Azila's never ending, totally epic reviews, so I may be a little stuck here... I shall try and help you though! I'm watching Home Alone 2 right now, so I'm in a good mood. Did you know the kid on it's been in rehab, like, loads? I only just found that out. Sorry, that's unrelated. Due to my good mood though, I should be able to give you a decent review without getting bored or anything.

Your writing always makes you sound smart... It's annoying. My writing just makes me sound dull.

this is most likely due to my probably low IQ, but I had to rearead some parts to grasp what you meant fully. Now, this is more of an opinionated thing, but I think it may be your wording sometimes. I suppose this could connect to something that Azila said actually. Didn't she mention something about sentences being too choppy sometimes? I think so. That could connect to this, I guess.

And even if they aren’t, the Reborn might do nothing. But they are still variables. And for that they must die. Not yet though. Soon. After I’ve seen what they can do. Especially the Phantasm.

Take this, for example. This is just your MC - I'm assuming your MC - describing something. Short sentences can create great effect for tense and suspensful moments, but if you fill things like descriptions with short sentences, they can get a bit mehish and a bit awkward to follow.

What I'd suggest for you to do maybe is consider rephrasing a few things. I don't want you to take this too seriously though, Tiger, because it is a bit of an opinionated thing/lack of IQ thing. I do think that you could consider lengthening some sentences though, at the beginning in particular perhaps. In the end, it's your writing, so if this is the style you've written the novel in, then I can't make you change it or anything.

Because I'm me, I'm different to most people... not usually in a good way. Don't worry, I'm not just saying this now because I have mental issues or something. I'm saying it because personally, I don't really like beginning of time openings and such. That may have effected(affected? I don't know the difference...) my opinion on the opening of this. I think it's good, but due to my dislike of beginning of time things, I might not like it as much as Azila or Tanya. Overall though, I do think that the beginning is good and certainly draws the reader in!

My main critique for this though would have to be about details. I don't really feel that you're as descriptive as you maybe could be. You're giving us the story, but it sometimes feels as though you've left some of the details out. This may be due to my lack of complete understandment, so what I'm about to say may not be entirely true. For that, I apologise.

But then the Heroes died.

Okay, good for them. Well, not really; they're dead. Unless they were scuicidal or something... Anyway! I've read over the piece a few times, and I can't really see any indications of how they died. If it is there, then I'm sorry and you can just ignore this. If not though, I'd like to suggest a few things.

This is a good example of lack of detail. I want to know how they died! Preferably as vivid and violent as possible. You said something about them turning into ash, but there were no details on how exacly they died. I need descriptions, m'dear! Violent, bloody descriptions! Unless they all died peacefully in their sleep or something... If you have described how they died, but am too slow to catch on, then don't worry about this. If not, this is one example of what I mean by adding some more details to some parts.

I've just realised that this review's a bit of a mess... sorry. I hope you can bring out some helpful stuff out of it. If not, I apologise, but hey, you know me. Plenty of skull and flesh, but lack of brain. Is there flesh in your head...? I don't think there is... You get the idea. Oveall, I liked this, Tiger! Not usually my kind of writing, but yeah, this was good. This is the novel you were telling me about, right? If so, I really wish you luck in editing it!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks for all the helpful reviews guys. Now I've got some important feedback: try and make the sentences less choppy and more descriptive, and try to make sure I don't repeat myself too much. Thanks again!

Hi, Tiggie! Once again, I've had the chance to review you. Though you know I couldn't tear this apart--grammatically; but I'll give my best to give out a shot on the story itself.

But first, considering your style, I'll have to say: too much phrases. Yep. I know, it's your style. And who am I to tell you to change it? Nope. I'm not telling you to change it. I'm simply saying that the phrases were supposed to add drama to your prose. But it also adds too much "stops". Get what I mean? Umm...let's see. Imagine riding on a car, through a bumpy rode. That was how I felt as I read it. There were too many periods, too many phrases, which you could have turned into smooth sentences instead. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. *shrugs* But how do you feel reading this? When you told me about this story. When you told me you're trying your best to get this published. I know you've tried your best. Your very best. And you want to get published soon. Yes. Soon. Can you feel it now? The "stops"?

And also--regarding the structure, not grammar; I'm still nervous to touch your grammar --just like the phrases, there were to much "new paragraphs".

This:

Ananias has a plan. That one is always plotting. Against me sometimes. But I haven’t any choice but to watch him, for his abilities are useful to me.

He has found the Phantasm, and plans to query her again. She has power that one. And I need it. Even more importantly, I want it.

Can be one paragraph...even through the next person, Fid--I forgot the name.:lol

The highlighted part (in purple) can be set off with a dash or parentheses so it won't seem so abrupt.

Okay, so far, this review has been tempting me to try to review the grammar itself. I have one now. Oh no me...not really grammar, just punctuation issues.

“Sorry, Your Majesty. But this boy,” and here he shakes the bloodied fellow who nearly falls to the floor again, “is a traitor.

Oh dear. I am fairly sure that this is the wrong punctuation. I believe this should be rewritten as is:

“Sorry, Your Majesty. But this boy--” And here he shakes the bloodied fellow who nearly falls to the floor again. “--is a traitor.

or:

“Sorry, Your Majesty. But this boy”--and here he shakes the bloodied fellow who nearly falls to the floor again--“is a traitor.

Whichever, or however else. If you want to keep the commas, this is how it should be, I believe:

“Sorry, Your Majesty. But this boy,” he says, as he shakes the bloodied fellow who nearly falls to the floor again, “is a traitor.

Simply because it is not a dialogue tag.

Forgive me for trying. O_o Whenever it's you I'm reviewing, I'm never sure.

Last comment on the style:

Both guards jump back, smiling.

Well, that's just style. Do as you please...

Anyway, off with the story itself. I'll have to say that: Wow. You're good with fantasy. I just love the first part. Though the first part was the only part that felt like a prologue. It's like you've inserted the first part of the first chapter. I do not know, but tell me. The first part was enough for a prologue.

Prologues, I believe are only for teasing, right? Going much further, I feel, is too much. Is it the part people get to read before they buy the book? If so, I believe that the the first part, all by itself, is good enough to make those fantasy readers wanna buy your book; it already contained the thrill, the adventure, your book seems to offer. So in my point of view, you should stop before going on with the majesty's present thoughts. Just my opinion though.

Oh, I never expected this review to be this long. (It's longer than what I had intended it to be, you see.) So I'll stop my blabber now. I'll be waiting for your PM, Tiggie. I hope there's a girl from the Reborn. :p haha...(Pathetic me.) This seems to be a really, really nice book, Tiggie! I'm expecting to be one of the firsts to read. *beh* wahahahaha...Keep writing!

~ Jash ♥

Hey Tiger!
I'll be your reviewer for today :3 (I just love the sound of this line!)
First of all I think this prologue has the potential to turn into a powerful hook but something essential lacks in it.
I think that the ingredient that will make this recipe complete is imagery. As this piece talks about war and peace, imagery of gore and harmony can be used.
You can describe the dead bodies, their open wounds, their bleeding throats and so on.
Another problem that I can make out in this piece is that you tell too much especially in the first part. As I said use some imagery and use a combination of showing and telling that is, either first show(describe) and then tell or first tell and then show (Describe).


And now the nitpicks-

In the beginning of this Living World, the World was One and the World was Whole. There were no divisions in colour, no divisions in place and look (s).

He has found the Phantasm, and plans to query her again. She has power (,) that one. And I need it. Even more importantly, I want it.

They kneel to me, and their noses nearly touch the floor; one of them says:

I think these line will be better if you rewrite it like this-

He has been whipped so that there is barely a distinction between blood and the tissue underneath his skin, and on his right arm I see the pink start of a muscle beneath the red mess.

“What is it Forin? You clearly see I am busy.”

Other than this I find your style brilliant, your story line immensely interesting and I see a tornado of potential in this piece.
I would love to read more of your works, your stories are totally my type!