Young Writers Society

This is a special type of format for a poem. If you want to see the original format look up "Abuelito Who" by Sandra Cisneros. This was a class assigned project.

Forgotten who uses words like play-dough
and ask, "Am I your best friend?"
Who is needles and hugs
Who is a knife and is hiding behind my back
Whose heart is surrounded by ice,
is to hidden to be exposed today.
Who tells me I love you.
Who tells me I will never be there for you.
Whose notes are deceiving,
can't tell me their lies anymore.
Hides me in their backpack.
Who use to hold me dear,
is lost.
Is a plastic bag sinking in the river.
Is spiteful though I need you!
Doesn't live in my life anymore,
is fallen underneath the pages.
Who still tries to control me,
is notes and knifes and all heart.
Who thought I stole their heart,
Is the best friend that answered, "No."
Asking can I still be your best friend?
Who loves forgotten?

Hello Oolo! Here to review, as I so promised on chat.

The first thing I want to say about this is that it was definitely an interesting poem. You had some good imagery, especially since it was a school project and you had to use a certain format. (That can be difficult to do sometimes, I know.)

Just a few things I want to point out here:

1) Your first line was a little awkward as one to start on. The first line definitely wasn't my favourite, but it wasn't so bad, either.

2) A few punctuation issues:
You need to punctuate the lines. Not all of them need commas or anything, but you need to punctuate a poem just like you do a story. (It's a little difficult in poetry, though.)

For example:

Boolovesyou wrote:Forgotten who uses words like play-dough
and ask am I your best friend?

Should probably be something like:

Isha wrote:Forgotten who uses words like play-dough,
and ask, "Am I your best friend?"

And:

Boolovesyou wrote:is spiteful though I need you!
doesn't live in my life anymore

Should be something like:

Isha wrote:is spiteful though I need you!
Doesn't live in my life anymore,

So yeah, you get the idea. Add capital letters, periods, comas and the lot.

Over all though, this poem was pretty good. I was quite impressed, like I said before, especially since you had a bunch of rules to work with. Poems with certain layouts can be rather difficult to do!

Thanks for the read!

~Isha

Oh, Thanks good point. I wasn't sure on the punctuation, because the original barely had any ( I mean the original format ) But I changed it =D.

Hey! Teardrop here! I'm no real great at reviewing poems but I'll give it a shot.

Boolovesyou wrote:This is a special type of format for a poem. If you want to see the original format look up "Abuelito Who" by Sandra Cisneros. This was a class assigned project.

Forgotten who uses words like play-dough comma
and ask, "Am I your best friend?"
Who is needles and hugs period
Who is a knife and is hiding behind my back period
Whose heart is surrounded by ice,
is to hidden to be exposed today.
Who tells me I love you.
Who tells me I will never be there for you.
Whose notes are deceiving,
can't tell me their lies anymore.
Hides me in their backpack.
Who use to hold me dear,
is lost.
Is a plastic bag sinking in the river.
Is spiteful though I need you!
Doesn't live in my life anymore,
is fallen underneath the pages.
Who still tries to control me,
is notes and knifes and all heart.
Who thought I stole their heart,
Is the best friend that answered, "No."
Asking can I still be your best friend? I think this should look like this Asking, "Can I still be your best friend?"
Who loves forgotten?

Okay, I think you could add punctuation to these few lines. If you intended the reader to pause before the next line but continue then probobly a comma, but if not then a period. ( There is also explanation point, if excitment, but you know that : ) Also, I suggest trying to get the poem to flow a bit better. A poem sounds cool when it has a good flow, and this is what it lacks. This was kind of confusing, but overall, I really liked it! : D Nice job!

~ Teardrop

Hey, it's me again! Pink is corrections!

Who 'sneedles and hugs
Who 'sa knife and is hiding behind my back

I see the point your trying to get across when you say "who is" but the word roll better with "who's"
As my reviewers before me noticed, add puncuation! it adds alot of emotion and drasticness to the piece. (also, it get's us off your back!)


Who still tries to control me,
is notes and knifes and all heart.
Who thought I stole their heart,
Is the best friend that answered, "No."
Asking can I still be your best friend?
Who loves forgotten?

Something about that line confuses me. What's with the two hearts? The last line doesn't seem quiete right to me. To such a dramatic poem the ending should be more...final. Other than that great job and keep writing.

I always meant to review this peom but never got around too it! This is wonderful and it has a lot of feeling in it. I really like the entire thing but maybe you could change the beginning line, it seems kind of out of place. Overall I liked the format and everything, the first line seemed to be off.
Keep writing
-Rayne

Remember its a format. Some lines you can't change with out going out of format.

Oh, I'M SO SORRY. I've written this draft like, weeks ago, and I forgot to post it. Awww...I hope I can still help even if this was requested and written a long time ago. Last year. :p ='|

Here's the post:

Hey, girl! Aww...Boo loves you. Of course, I do. (LOL) Anyway, I'm here at last. I'm Jash, relatives call me Aboo, Boo for short, and that was so random. I'd like to thank you yeah for the request. I'm here at last. =) Sorry for being slow. I can see that you've already gotten a few good reviews. I won't have the time to read them, so sorry if I repeat anything. It's inadvertent. =)

Oh, before I start, I just want to say that I've looked up "Abuelito Who", and I'll try to review according to what I've read this assignment should be:


Here comes my review! =D/ I'm actually excited. I'll pretend I'm your teacher today.

NITPICKS

Who doesn't live in my life anymore,
<"and"?>is fallen underneath the pages.

Who still tries to control me.
Is notes and knives and all heart.

Who thought I stole their heart.

I'm not so sure with the "their"... probably it?

Asking, "C an I still be your best friend?"

Just for consistency and grammatical matters. =)

Here's your score!:



1 pt. - Have a “_____ Who” title (1 pts)

>> "Forgotten Who"

- Include at least eight uses of figurative language (metaphor, personification, etc.) (10 pts)

1.

Who is needles and hugs

2.

Who is a knife and is hiding behind my back

3.

Whose heart is surrounded by ice,

4.

Is a plastic bag sinking in the river.

5.

is fallen underneath the pages.

6.

is notes and knifes and all heart.

7.

Forgotten who uses words like play-dough

8.

Who tells me I love you.
Who tells me I will never be there for you.

The last one, I think, is paradoxical. But most figurative language are metaphorical.

5 pts - Create an engaging picture of the person you are describing (5 pts)
2 pts. - Be neatly written or typed (2 pts)
2 pts. - Contain no spelling errors (2 pts)
Total: 20 pts



Overall, even though there's already a format to be followed, this was written pretty well. NIce job, Boo!
KEEP WRITING!


~ Jash ♥