Young Writers Society

I decided to redo the story. Doshiko'jans are now the Lycerians. Grishka is a character but no longer an MC. Tell me what you think. I'm still trying to find a new title for it and still open to suggestions.



Stella packed the few possessions the Torhsen army allowed her to carry in her small bag, before turning around to check her appearance in the mirror. Staring back at her was pale young man with close cropped brown hair and ocean blue eyes. He wore a set of deep red robes that only mages of the highest caliber were permitted to wear. Stella was extremely glad for having a small chest, making it easier to hide her sex under the baggy robes. She attached a scabbard to her belt, and slid her short sword into it with barely a whisper of steel on leather.

A heavy knock came at the door, nearly making her yelp in surprise. She took a calming breath and walked the two steps to the door and opened it. A soldier, a boy not quite in his second decade of life stood there with his fist raised to knock again. “What do you need?” Stella asked the boy, using her magic to make her voice sound more like a man’s.

“Capt’n sent me to tell you we’re ready to move out,’ the young man squeaked out, keeping his eyes lowered to the ground. “He also wishes to convey his wishes that you hurry up so we may begin the day’s march.” Stella rolled her eyes, knowing that the boy probably gave a much nicer version of what Captain Ferrous said, for fear of bringing her wrath on his head. She knew Ferrous was a man who didn’t like disobedience, but as a mage, Stella could get away with almost anything as long as it wasn’t treason, so every now and then she liked to push his buttons.

“You can tell the Captain I will be out there shortly after I finished packing,” Stella said before shutting the door in the boy’s face. She waited till she heard his boots move down the hall and out of hearing before grabbing her already packed bag, and throwing her hood over her head. With a small gesture of her hand, all the candles in the room flickered out and the door opened for her on its own.

The inn that Stella had made the Captain stop at was nice, and owned by a kind elderly couple. They weren’t to happy about playing host to a unit, but after Stella had handed them a bag with exactly one hundred Stratos in it, they went about preparing a nice meal for everyone, and provided good accommodations for Stella, Captain Ferrous, and a few of the senior officers.

“About bloody time, mage!” Captain Ferrous yelled, as Stella walked out of the inn, thanking the owners for their hospitality. The sun was barely beginning to peak over the tall trees of the Terran Forest. Captain Ferrous stood at the front of the column, sitting on his black horse, chest stuck out and chin held high. He was the perfect image for any military captain: clean shaven, closely cropped hair, the steel plates on his leather armor shining in the morning light, and he physique of a man who could take on a bear. “When I say we are to move out at dawn, you better be fucking packed and ready an hour before.”

“And if you wish for me to remain in the service of your unit, I would suggest you keep your tone down with me,” Stella retorted coldly. She could see a muscle twitch in his cheek at her insubordination, but he knew he could do nothing about it. “I need my sleep. If I don’t get it, I’m headquarters would love to hear my complaints, and move to another unit.” Stella looked over at the rising sun and said, “I believe it’s time we move out, Captain.”

Stella gave a sharp whistle, and a pure white horse wearing an equally white saddle trotted up to her and nuzzled her gently. “Hey there, Blanche,” she said, rubbing the horse’s nose and handing him a sugar cube. With a quick practiced motion, she climbed onto the saddle. She glanced over at Captain Ferrous who only answered with a glare before giving the order to march.

Like most marches, it was long and dull, or at least so Stella thought. Captian Ferrous was enjoying himself, turning around every now and then to yell at some foot soldier for falling behind or taking too long of drink from a canteen that went around. He never said anything to Stella, but whenever he thought she wouldn’t notice, he would glare at her.

They traveled along a wide winding path weaved its way between trees that were wide than four men, the tree branches reached out to each other from either side of the path, their leaves barely letting in enough light to make it dim, even at the height of the day. A few times Stella had to summon one of her blue specter lights so their horses didn’t break their legs on a root.

It was easy to tell when night was beginning to descend, because soon no one could see anything except whatever light Stella’s blue specter light provided. About an hour after Stella was sure when the sun had actually set, did Captain Ferrous call for a stop. Almost instantly the soldiers began making camping. Some went off to prepare food, others to set up camp, and the last few started the first watch.

And that’s when the attack came.

It started off silent. A man stumbled up to Stella, his eyes wide. At first she thought he was drunk, until he collapsed face first into the dirt, a throwing dagger sticking out of the middle of his back. “We’re under attack!” Stella yelled, summoning magic to so she could let loose a blast at a seconds notice.

“What is the meaning of this?” Captain yelled coming up, but stopped short when he saw the body. “To arms, everyone to arms! We’re under attack!” Stella heard the sound of swords being drawn, but knew it was too late when she at least twenty wolf-like figures emerge from the darkness between the trees. Twenty soldiers fell before they had a chance to defend themselves.

Stella knew they were under attack by Lycerians, a wolf-like race who walked on two legs and fought with claw, teeth, and blade. They were savage monsters, and a feared by all Torshens. Stella watched, as if in slow motion, as a Lycerian ran at her. His fur was a dark brown and he wore nothing but a dark green cloak and a belt with a scabbard for the short sword in his hand. Stella loosed a ball of blue-white fire, striking him in the chest, killing him instantly. When the ball exploded it released a shock-wave strong enough to knock three more Lycerians off their feet.

Drawing her sword, Stella blocked a cut at her neck, a returned the strike with magic-assisted strength and speed, slicing open the Lycerian’s neck to the bone. Suddenly, Stella felt a sharp pain in her back; she looked down to see a sword sticking out of her right shoulder. It was slowly withdrawn, and before she could turn around a heavy object slammed against the back of her neck. Just before Stella lost consciousness, she realized that she was going to die.



Stella woke with a gasp of air. She was lying on her side, hands tied behind her back. She nearly cried in relief. She was alive, and well except for the sharp, burning pain in her gut. At first she though it was from being stabbed, until she remembered she was stabbed in the shoulder, not the stomach. Looking down, she saw her lower robes were soaked, but thanks to their color, she didn’t know if it was blood or something else.

Her first thought was escape, so with an effort of will, she released a small amount of magic that would destroy the bindings. Nothing. In frustration, she released enough magic to level a small building, but only got the same result as before.

A small chuckling growl came from behind her. If it wasn’t for the fact that she was bound and could barely move, she would’ve jumped out of her skin. She looked up to see a Lycerian standing over her. His fur was completely black, except for a white patch resting between two amber orbs. He wore nothing but the dark green cloak and belt that held the scabbard for his short sword, which, thankfully was still in it. At first she thought he was having a coughing fit till she saw, by the wolfish grin on his face, that he was laughing at her.

“You awake,” the wolf said in horrible Torshen, mostly accented with deep growling. “Cashka stone stop your death magic.” He said indicating to whatever was binding Stella’s hands.

Stella cursed at not realizing earlier that she was being bond with Cashka stone handcuffs. Cashka stones were an infamous tool used by the Lycerians. They could absorb large amounts of magic, rendering even a High Mage, whose talents made them more of a demi-god than human, a mere mortal.

“You are female,” the wolf said, not as a question, but as a statement of fact. “You are in your moon bleed.” Stella took a second to wonder what he meant, but blushed in anger and embarrassment. She realized that it was blood on her robes, just not from a stab. She moaned in pain as a cramp racked her gut, as if to answer. She forgot how much it pained hurt, and realized that after being handcuffed with a Cashka stones, that what magic she used to suppress was now gone. She let out another moan as it made up for the time she had it suppressed.

The wolf turned around. “You are now a prisoner of Lyceria,” he said. “Try to escape, and we will kill you.” He walked away, stopping only talk to a brown furred wolf who Stella hadn’t noticed earlier. After a few quick growls in what Stella could only assume was the Lycerian language, the black wolf walked away, and the brown wolf made his way to Stella.

Hey Leth!

To start:
This is an awesome first chapter. It caught my attention right away, and kept it all the way through. You've done a great job of creating a time and setting for the novel, and Stella seems like a solid main character to start with. Now for the picky stuff.

Reflective descriptions
This is the only part that made me a little hesitant to read the piece. Your reader has an imagination, so if you fill in a clue or two about your characters appearance, they'll fill in the rest. It's hard for your character to describe their own appearance in first person, but having them look at their reflection and describe what they see is boring, and cliche'd. The description in this instance (simply telling the hair and eye colour) is also a little bland. I think you should completely scrap that part, since the rest of your work is at quite a high standard, and that short bit stands out as being amaturish.

He wishes to convey his wishes...
That's a quote from the third paragraph. Repetition is bad, and even though this is the only example I can find in this story, you should still do a full run through your work solely to check for repeated words or sounds. On that note;

Hearing, grabbing and throwing.
In a story told in past tense, your reader will adjust to the sound of it. So when you use -ed words a lot they just blend into the background. Some people will only read past tense stories because it's the most commonly used, and they can't get used to reading in present tense. That said, when your reader has adjusted to ignore the -ed at the end of most of your verbs, words ending with -ing won't blend in as much. When you pull out a sentence like "She waited... out of hearing before grabbing her already packed bag, and throwing her hood over her head," that -ing is like a bell ringing in your readers head, and it has the same annoyance as general repitition.

And that's when...
It's a general grammar rule that sentences shouldn't start with 'and.' Sometimes, on rare occasions, it can be used for dramatic effect, but most of the time it's best to leave it out. Less is more, and extra little words that have no meaning need to be cut.

Nitpick: Just a tiny one. In the second to last paragraph you've said "She forgot how much it pained hurt," which should be one or the other.

Overall:
This is a good start! I like it. Keep it up

Hey Leth!Sorry for the late-ness but I am here.

Staring back at her was a pale young man with close cropped brown hair and ocean blue eyes.

They weren’t too happy about playing host to a unit, but after Stella had handed them a bag with exactly one hundred Stratos in it, they went about preparing a nice meal for everyone, and provided good accommodations for Stella, Captain Ferrous, and a few of the senior officers.

“I need my sleep. If I don’t get it, I’mmy headquarters would love to hear my complaints, and move to another unit.”

I don't know if you're going for some kind of dialect, but 'I'm' is not at all the correct word to be used here.

Captian (Captain) Ferrous was enjoying himself, turning around every now and then to yell at some foot soldier for falling behind or taking too long of drink from a canteen that went around

Okay, so went around implies that the canteen keeps on moving with them, so it's kinda weird. Maybe you were trying to imply that they could see encounters almost after every short distance. So the wording is wrong here.

It was easy to tell when night was beginning to descend, because soon no one could see anything except whatever minimalJust a suggestion! light Stella’s blue specter light provided.

Almost instantly the soldiers began making camping.

These two words almost seem rhyming. That's not the problem, but somewhere it looks weird to read. Make it like: Almost instantly the soldiers began making a camp. OR Almost instantly the soldiers began preparations for the camping.

Stella heard the sound of swords being drawn, but knew it was too late when she at least twenty wolf-like figures emerged from the darkness between the trees.

It's past tense, remember?

Stella loosed a ball of blue-white fire, striking him in the chest, killing him instantly. When the ball exploded it released a shock-wave strong enough to knock three more Lycerians off their feet.

Personally, I would like to know her actions and how exactly she produced the ball, where she had been hiding it before or did it appear by magic.

Her first thought was to escape, so with an effort of will, she released a small amount of magic that would destroy the bindings.

They could absorb large amounts of magic, rendering even a High Mage, whose talents made them more of a demi-god than a human, a mere mortal.

Stella took a second to wonder what he meant, but blushed in anger and embarrassment(swap them. Or else blush with anger would sound pretty weird.).

If you really ask me, this was quite intriguing, and it really sounded cool. The fact that she was dressed up as a man is not something very unique, but she has power and all is what fascinating, also the fact that you haven't yet disclosed what brought her to join army-her passion or some revenge or something. I'd be waiting eagerly to know this and if you haven't planned for a reason yet, which I doubt, you should start for one. Also, I liked the way her character has been portrayed-strong, brave and yet a girl. Haha! No, just kidding. Her character is fine and it really stands out. I take her for a girl of huge braveness. Apart from this it made me wonder why the Captain took all of her nuisances because quite literally I know that she is in a high rank but still I assume the captain remains the highest here, so why couldn't he order her back or scold or do something. Also, when she threatened to report all of this to her headquarters, where they'd place somewhere else, why did he really worry about that. I won't pester more and leave my questions to be answered in the next forthcoming chapters, so until then I'll shut up.

Other than this, I think the place where she found herself after being attacked could have been explained and told more clearly. Was that a forest or a place near mountains or what it was? When you tell these facts, the story becomes much more creative and apart from that the reader has an idea about what kind of people they are, and a bit about their culture. Other than this I got an idea of the wolf tribe, but what 'bout the people she belongs to. This is a story which is a fantasy and involves hypothetical characters, places and tribes. So you should go on and reveal more about them. Otherwise, it would appear kind of bland. Other than this, I want to tell that the journey before the attack could have been described more, because I think the attack came so soon after the start. You should have given the readers some chance to become familiar with the story and then send shocks and surprises to them. Other than this I have a small problem with so many typos spread here and there. I didn't correct them all, because when you send it to a publisher or something, you'll get these things fixed or once you're editing this up. There were also some minor mistakes with the grammar, but nothing to fuss about. My advice would be to read this and go over it. Just correct things for yourself now, since I know you can.

Overall, it was a nice pleasure reading, apart from small issues, which I've tried my best to bring forward. This can be a good start, and I liked the second part after the kidnapping much more interesting. Bring in more emotions and check this up. You'll be set right.

PM me for any questions.
~Shubhi

Hey, Vamp here to review
I must warn you, I'm feeling VERY nitpicky, and will probably go over this almost sentence by sentence.
I'm also probably going to be quite harsh :S Sorry in advance if I'm really mean :S

Stella packed the few possessions the Torhsen army allowed her to carry in her small bag,

Ok, this seems really awkward. I think it's the lack of commas. Also, to me, "allowed" seems more like an adult talking to a child. I'd go with "permitted". Try rewriting it and a little more sensory language to grip the reader in the first line, maybe something like:

"Yanking open her small bag, Stella neatly packed the few possessions she was permitted to carry by the Torhsen Army."

before turning around to check her appearance in the mirror. Staring back at her was a pale young man with close cropped brown hair and ocean blue eyes.

Honestly, it's boring being told by a mirror what someone looks like. It could just work here, because she's impersonating a guy, but still, if you could find another way to put it, it'd be heaps better.

Now, "ocean blue" is really, really clichéd, in my opinion. Try to find something more original, and you don't always have to put the "blue" if you find something descriptive, because everyone knows what the colour is. Also, eyes are really, really important give-aways of what people are like, so maybe something that describes the actual eye as well? "clear/clouded/hooded/wide/narrowed/squinted/reserved/earnest etc", all of them can give a hint as to your character.

He wore a set of deep red robes that only mages of the highest caliber were permitted to wear.

Do you mean she? Personally, we know she's a girl, dressed like a guy, saying "he" is just confusing. Don't keep swapping to "he" now you've told us.

Stella was extremely glad for having a small chest,

Again, this seems awkward, like it doesn't really fit where it is. You need to join it to the previous sentence.
An example: "Continuing the scrutiny of her disguise, Stella dropped her gaze lower, thankful for the small chest which made it easier to hide her sex under the robes."

I don't think you need "baggy", as if the robes were baggy, it'd be fairly easy to hide even a larger chest.

She attached a scabbard to her belt, and slid her short sword into it with barely a whisper of steel on leather.

I do like the "with barely a whisper of steel on leather", in fact, I like that very much But I don't think you need the "she" It would work very nicely indeed with an "Attaching". Of course, then you'd have to change the "and" to a "she".

She took a calming breath and walked the two steps to the door and opened it.

Please, please take away one of the "ands"!

A soldier, a boy not quite in his second decade of life stood there with his fist raised to knock again.

Wait, doesn't that mean he's...nine or ten? That seems very young, though maybe that's just me.

“Capt’n sent me to tell you we’re ready to move out,’ the young man This implies he's a teenager. squeaked Either he's really, really scared of her, or his voice hasn't broken, indicating he's NOT a teenager. I'm confused. out, keeping his eyes lowered to the ground. “He also wishes to convey his wishes "Also wants me/asked me" that you hurry up so we may begin the day’s march.”

She knew Ferrous was a man who didn’t like disobedience, but as a mage, Stella could get away with almost anything as long as it wasn’t treason, so every now and then she liked to push his buttons.

This is quite a run-on sentence, lots and lots of commas.

“You can tell the Captain I will be out there shortly after I finished Should either be "I've finished" or "I finish" packing,” Stella said, before shutting the door in the boy’s face. She waited untill she heard his boots move down the hall and out of hearing Why is this so important? He knows she can use magic, and she's only opening the door! before grabbing her already packed bag, and throwing her hood over her head. With a small gesture of her hand, all the candles in the room flickered out and the door opened for her on its own.

She's standing at the door, surely it seems like overkill to have magic open it?

The inn that Stella had made the Captain stop at was nice REPLACE THE WORD NICE, PLEASE!, and owned by a kind elderly couple. They weren’t too happy about playing host to a unit, but after Stella had handed them a bag with exactly one hundred Stratos in it, they went about preparing a nice meal for everyone, and provided good accommodations for Stella, Captain Ferrous, and a few of the senior officers.

Again, run-on.

“About bloody time, mage!” Captain Ferrous yelled, as Stella walked out of the inn, thanking the owners for their hospitality. The sun was barely beginning to peak over the tall trees of the Terran Forest. Captain Ferrous stood at the front of the column, sitting on his black horse, chest stuck out and chin held high. He was the perfect image for any military captain: clean shaven, closely cropped hair "hair closely cropped" seems a little less awkward, the steel plates on his leather armor shining in the morning light, and the physique of a man who could take on a bear. “When I say we are to move out at dawn, you better be fucking packed and ready an hour before.”

“And if you wish for me to remain in the service of your unit, I would suggest you keep your tone down with me,” Stella retorted coldly. She could see a muscle twitch in his cheek at her insubordination, but he knew he could do nothing about it. “I need my sleep. If I don’t get it, I’m sure headquarters would love to hear my complaints, and move me to another unit.” Stella looked over at the rising sun and said, “I believe it’s time we move out, Captain.”

Stella gave a sharp whistle, and a pure white horse wearing an equally white saddle trotted up to her and nuzzled her gently. Ok, why does it seem that every guy I read about has a black horse, and every girl a pure white one?? Oh, and where is her horse, it seems he's just in limbo until she turns up, wouldn't someone be holding him for her? “Hey there, Blanche,” she said, rubbing the horse’s nose and handing him a sugar cube Where did she get this sugar cube?. With a quick practiced motion, she climbed into the saddle. She glanced over at Captain Ferrous, who only answered "answered only" with a glare before giving the order to march.

This paragraph doesn't do much for me, it seems full of clichés, from the horse colour to the "quick practised motion".

Like most marches, it was long and dull, or at least so Stella thought. Captian Ferrous was enjoying himself, turning around every now and then to yell at some foot soldier for falling behind or taking too long a drink from a canteen that went "was passed". I hate "went" nearly as much as "nice" and "got". around. He never said anything to Stella, but whenever he thought she wouldn’t notice, he would glare at her.

They travelled along a wide, winding path weaving its way between trees that were wider than four men. You've said "wide/r twice in one sentence. Try to find something else for the trees, thicker perhaps? The tree branches reached out to each other from either side of the path, their leaves barely letting in enough light to make it dim, even at the height of the day.

Major run-on, even with the added fullstop.

A few times Stella had to summon one of her blue specter lights so their horses didn’t break their legs on a root.

I don't think this line is really needed, we know it's dark.

It was easy to tell It would be hard to tell if it was dark to begin with (as you say it is), plus dark sort of sneaks up on you, it's not a sudden thing. when night was beginning to descend, because soon no one could see anything except whatever light Stella’s blue specter light provided.

Again, I don't think this line is accurate, and I personally don't really like it, it's a little confusing and awkward.

I'd rewrite it, maybe something a bit more like this:

"Nightfall barely made a difference to the dimly-lit pathway. The troop/squadron/army were forced to rely solely on the blue specter lights Stella summoned, as they stepped carefully through the treacherous, root-imbued ground."

About an hour after Stella was sure that the sun had actually set, did Captain Ferrous called for a stop. Almost instantly the soldiers began making camping. Some went off to prepare food, others to set up camp,You just said this. and the last few started the first watch.

And that’s when the attack came.

It started off silently. A man stumbled up to Stella, his eyes wide. At first she thought he was drunk, until he collapsed face first into the dirt, a throwing knife sticking "sticking" doesn't really feed my imagination. out of the middle of his back.
New line.[/b ]“We’re under attack!” Stella yelled, summoning magic to so she could let loose a blast at a seconds notice.

“What is the meaning of this?” Captain yelled, coming up. He stopped short when he saw the body. “To arms, everyone to arms! We’re under attack!”
[b]New line. Stella heard the sound of swords being drawn, but knew it was too late when she saw at least twenty wolf-like figures emerge from the darkness between the trees. Twenty soldiers fell before they had a chance to defend themselves.

Stella knew they were under attack by Lycerians, a wolf-like race who walked on two legs and fought with claw, teeth, and blade. They were savage monsters, and a feared by all Torshens. Stella watched, as if in slow motion, as a Lycerian ran at her. His fur was a dark brown and he wore nothing but a dark green cloak and a belt with a scabbard for the short sword in his hand. Stella loosed a ball of blue-white fire, striking him in the chest, killing him instantly. When the ball exploded it released a shock-wave strong enough to knock three more Lycerians off their feet.

Ok, here there's lots of telling. It's the first paragraph of action, I want to read something with lots of sensory language, and be shown, dragged in by what's happening, rather than just reading it like a list. Show me what the Lycerian's wearing as Stella kills him! Describe the noise, the sounds! Adrenaline's going to be pumping, everything'll be heightened!
Also, how does she recognise their race? Show how she knows they're Lycerians!

Drawing her sword, Stella blocked a cut aimed at her neck.

Where did this come from, you never told us that there was someone nearby. From your previous paragraph you imply that the one trying to kill her is dead, and that there are three others near her, all of whom are knocked over. Now there's just this random cutting at her neck?? Also, I presume this is happening quite fast. Shorter sentences will back up that feeling.

She returned the strike with magic-assisted strength and speed, slicing open the Lycerian’s neck to the bone. Suddenly, Stella felt a sharp pain in her back; she looked down to see a sword sticking out of her right shoulder.

You've done it again. She doesn't have to see every guy that stabs at her, but perhaps just an idea of some other people around her? Because, to be honest, I'm forgetting that there are other people here. There's nothing to suggest that there is. She'll be probably focusing on the opponent in front of her, so she probably won't be looking for others, but she can hear, and she can glimpse, and feel (perhaps a brush of fur, or a jostle as a fighting pair trip past her?) Add some of this in. It'll make it much richer and exciting to read.

It was slowly withdrawn, I like and before she could turn around a heavy object slammed against the back of her neck.

Just before Stella lost consciousness, she realized that she was going to die.

And by saying that, we know she's not. Very clichéd.

Stella woke with a gasp of air. She was lying on her side, hands tied behind her back. She nearly cried in relief. She was alive, and well "Alive and well". I really dislike this saying, it seems to mean nothing really. I just skim over it. except for the sharp, burning pain in her gut. At first she though it was from being stabbed, until she remembered she was stabbed in the shoulder, not the stomach.

Um, she "remembered" she'd been stabbed????? Surely she would be able to feel it!

Looking down, she saw her lower robes were soaked, but thanks to their color, she didn’t know if it was blood or something else.

What else would it be?? Also, the er, source of the bleeding wouldn't soak her robes. There wouldn't be that much blood, and you can't use magic to suppress it (then using that to explain all the blood; a build-up) as the human body physically can't store all the blood up. I'm assuming her magic doesn't randomly evaporate it or something. Therefore, not that much blood will be present.

Her first thought was escape,Wasn't it the blood on her robes, and the pain in her gut? so with an effort of will, she released a small amount of magic to destroy the bindings.

Nothing.

In frustration, she released enough magic to level a small building ??? What do you mean?, but only got the same result as before.

Putting the lines like that creates more of a tension, tension, tensionnnnnnn...Oh. nothing happened. See?

“You awake,” the wolf said in horrible Torshen, mostly accented with deep growling. “Cashka stone stop your death magic” He said, indicating to whatever was binding Stella’s hands.

Stella cursed at not realizing earlier that she was being bound with Cashka stone handcuffs. Cashka stones were an infamous tool used by the Lycerians. They could absorb large amounts of magic, rendering even a High Mage, whose talents made them more of a demi-god than human, a mere mortal.

“You are female,” the wolf said, not as a question, but as a statement of fact. “You are in your moon bleed.” Stella took a second to wonder what he meant, but blushed in anger and embarrassment. She realized that it was blood on her robes, just not from a stab. She moaned in pain as a cramp racked her gut, as if to answer. She forgot how much it pained hurt Just pick one, pained or hurt., and realized that after being handcuffed with a Cashka stones, the magic she used to suppress it was now gone. She let out another moan as it made up for the time she had had it suppressed.

I rather like this part, I think you use your language well, and I can really picture the scene

The wolf turned around.You don't make it clear which way. “You are now a prisoner of Lyceria,” he said. If he's turned away from Stella, wouldn't he be speaking over his shoulder? Try make this clearer. “Try to escape, and we will kill you.”

Ok, now the wolf seems to find it much easier to talk. It's not really consistent with the way he's talking previously.

He walked away, stopping only talk to a brown furred wolf who Stella hadn’t noticed earlier. After a few quick growls in what Stella could only assume was the Lycerian language, the black wolf walked away, and the brown wolf made his way to Stella.

This...seems very rushed, like you were just trying to end it. It's very much "telling". Just because it's the last sentence doesn't mean tell. Flesh it out a little bit, get a good ending that'll make me want to read more!


Overall So that was all my nitpicking, and here I shall do my best to reassure you that I really like it. It's interesting, your characters are real, and I want to read more. You're a really good writer, and barring the spelling/grammar mistakes, the story would still be very strong if you didn't listen to a word I said.
By the way, there were a few lines/paragraphs that I had no suggestions/criticisms for, so they're not in this review.

Hope this helps!
Vampyre