Young Writers Society

There's something that makes me feel human i did not know what it was until i meet him.i already knew it was not my brother or one of my sisters or even my mum,though she is amazing.now let me tell you the story of how we met...

"ABBI GET DOWN HERE!"shouted my mum from the bottom of the stairs,i had only just got changed and i had not had the chance to brush my hair yet.yet as usual when i get down stairs all i get is the usual rubbish from my younger nerdy brother"you should get up earlier Abbi."he said to me.i just nodded as usual,thts what i always do.
"just change your sisters nappie please Abbi."my mum sounded deparate so i helped her.
"what ya doin tonight sis."my 6 year old sister asked me.
"im going to a party,with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight."
"is that tonigh Abbi?im going to work ohh no who will look after the kids?"
then it was then i knew what to do>
"DANIEL!"
"yes"
"look after the kids tonight for mum please."
"of course i will"
"good problem solved then"
"no its not Abbi"
right so after that it was sorted.

and if you want to no what happens after you will have to ead my next story.

Alright so,
basically, What I see is potential.
You could be a strong writer, but, to be frank, your grammar need work. You need to caps 'I' in places like here

i did not know what it was until i meet him

i had only just got changed and i had not had the chance to brush my hair yet.

and

my mum sounded deparate so i helped her.

Also, your first sentence

There's something that makes me feel human i did not know what it was until i meet him.

You need a comma or period between human and I.
THats a run on sentence.

Next

right so after that it was sorted.

What?
What was sorted??
You need a lot more description in your writing. Describe the setting, scene, what the characters look like and what they are feeling.
Don't just have dialogue, because that basically tells the reader nothing.

Lastly, spell check is a writers bestie. In some words you miss letters.

Write On
~WickedWonder

Hello there Book here and I'm going to review this story :3
Just to warn you, I don't usually like to critic people's story :S But I think this time I kinda have to D8

There's something that makes me feel human i did not know what it was until i meet him.i already knew it was not my brother or one of my sisters or even my mum,though she is amazing.now let me tell you the story of how we met...

"ABBI GET DOWN HERE!"shouted my mum from the bottom of the stairs,i had only just got changed and i had not had the chance to brush my hair yet.yet as usual when i get down stairs all i get is the usual rubbish from my younger nerdy brother"you should get up earlier Abbi."he said to me.i just nodded as usual,thts what i always do.
"just change your sisters nappie please Abbi."my mum sounded deparate so i helped her.
"what ya doin tonight sis."my 6 year old sister asked me.
"im going to a party,with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight."
"is that tonigh Abbi?im going to work ohh no who will look after the kids?"
then it was then i knew what to do>
"DANIEL!"
"yes"
"look after the kids tonight for mum please."
"of course i will"
"good problem solved then"
"no its not Abbi"

You did a lot of mistakes in your story...Such as the "i" should have been caps.
You also have a lot of typos, examples = 'thts' which is 'that'
= 'tonigh' which is 'tonight'
and so on, but you get it. And also remember! space after the coma's ' "I'm going to a party, with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight." ' !

I think that's all for now, but other than that, this story or chapter I think? is very short. Just don't forget to re-check your stories after your finish with it

Well, I hope i wasn't to harsh D=
and I hoped I helped!

~Book Person~

Hi there!

I dearly hope you had formatted this a lot better to make it easily readable.

I suggest you repost it and then I'll read it again and give further comments.

Looking forward to it!

Smiles,
Alexxa

Hey there, Gothic. Okay, so I think this story could use some work, especially with punctuation and grammar.

gothicfairy1999 wrote:There's something that makes me feel human i did not know what it was until i meet him.i already knew it was not my brother or one of my sisters or even my mum,though she is amazing.now let me tell you the story of how we met...
{Okay, for starters, capitalize your 'I's! Also, the meet should be 'met', I believe? Another thing to change is the first sentence, it has bad flow and runs on a bit. To be honest, this beginning is slightly cliche, but for now, just work on the grammar.}

"ABBI GET DOWN HERE!"shouted my mum from the bottom of the stairs,i had only just got changed and i had not had the chance to brush my hair yet.yet as usual when i get down stairs all i get is the usual rubbish from my younger nerdy brother"you should get up earlier Abbi."he said to me.i just nodded as usual,thts what i always do.
"just change your sisters nappie please Abbi."my mum sounded deparate so i helped her.
"what ya doin tonight sis."my 6 year old sister asked me.
"im going to a party,with my mates at 9:10 pm tonight."
"is that tonigh Abbi?im going to work ohh no who will look after the kids?"
then it was then i knew what to do>
"DANIEL!"
"yes"
"look after the kids tonight for mum please."
"of course i will"
"good problem solved then"
"no its not Abbi"
right so after that it was sorted. {Okay, so really, capitalize all your 'I's, and capitalize at the beginning of every sentence. Also, add punctuation at the end in dialogue, and put spaces between your sentences. You also need to split up your dialogue from your description more, and actually add *more* description to the latter part of the dialogue. Until you do, it's just talking heads. You don't know who says what. Try taking a look at the Knowledge Base for help with some of this. You can find this in the Writing Resources section at the bottom of the YWS page.}

and if you want to no what happens after you will have to ead my next story.

Really, for the most part, you need to just fix the grammar. Until then, this is difficult to read and scrambled. You do have a possibly good idea, just try and make some changes. ^^

Let me know if you need more help or if that didn't make sense.

Good luck.

~Heather

Hey, I'm Emaly, I'll be your reviewer for today. -Insert deep breath here-. We start off on a good note, I don't see any spelling mistakes. Well, besides my own name. On top of that, I only skimmed it right now. But alas, I'm not even a sentence into reading and you hit my biggest pet peeve. Capitalizing I's.

When an I stands on it's own, it is capitalized. No if, ands or buts about it.

Shift key is your friend. You use it at the beginning of sentences as well. Also, when saying one's name. Like, For example, Emaly. You capitalize the E. Silly Google Chrome says I spell my name wrong.

Now, who is this 'we'. All we know of the MC, is that she is female and has life problems. Honey, we all have issues. You need to be more specific. What about the guy? Who is he?

"ABBI GET DOWN HERE!"shouted

This burns my eyes. They want to melt of of my sockets. When trying to show an exclamatory sentence, you DON'T NEED TO BEAT THE SHIFT KEY. Just use a exclamation point! They are so useful when trying to portray yelling, shouting, screaming, crying, etc. Also, after a piece of dialog, and after the " you put a space. For example.

"Mom! Mom! Mom!" shouted... Not "Mom! Mom! Mom!"Shouted.

It just looks neater. Don't you agree?

...my hair yet.yet as usual when...

After a period, you also put a space. Yet, yet.... sounds a bit repetitive... no? ...My hair yet, and as usual when... sounds better.

nerdy brother"you should get up earlier Abbi."he said to

When starting dialog you go down a line. Then another line when the next person begins talking.

thts

First spelling error. That's.

tonigh

Another error. Tonight.

"DANIEL!"

"yes"

"look after the kids tonight for mum please."

"of course i will"

"good problem solved then"

"no its not Abbi"

There is so much wrong with this bit. Grammar. Short Dialog. Lack of explanation as to whom is talking. It makes me want to cry, and defiantly not in a good way.

Yes, I'm even critiquing the authors note. Because it made me cry harder, and again, it's not in a good way.

and if you want to no what happens after you will have to ead my next story.

Never start a sentence with and. Know, not no. No is the opposite of yes, know is knowledge. Next, not after. Spelling error, read*. Wouldn't it be chapter? If you are continuing this then it would be the next chapter.

Hope this helps. PM me when you edit it.


Ahh! I almost lost this review! That would have been horrible!