Young Writers Society

This is straight from my diary, so sorry if it seems a little weirdly written. I was also kinda recovering from a high

12:33 Tuesday 16th

There are no stars tonight.
Black smoke in my hair
In my fingernails
The world is high.

Went for a walk to meet Shannon at the lamppost. I'm wearing no bra, walking up past Rosie's driveway when I hear music. I know who it is immediately and my heart starts to pound. I have to pass though, so I try to look as carefree as possible, and walk past Christian and Patrik. They're smoking weed.. Smells heavenly and dangerous. Patrik sees me and shouts, does a half dance as he spins around and changes the song on the laptop sitting on the stone wall. I walk over, staring at Christian the whole time. Hold yuh's playing. Seems like a cruel joke because that song and me... Have history. I stop. Christians standing to the left of me and Patrik in front. All at once we start to talk about what I'm doing out, where I'm going, and then patrik starts to tell one insane story. One you could only tell if you were high. I won't even bother to tell it, only that it ended with them running screaming like girls back home. I actually kinda believed them.

Christian- "do you want a joint?"
Me- "yeah"
Patrik- "you smoke?"
Me-"yeaaaaa"

Brilliant. Patrik hands me a small small almost gone joint. I take it and sigh. I think that they can tell I don't have a bra on. Christian starts to yell about the music, vybez kartel, and they get into a huge, high induced argument about it. They turn to me.

Christian-"so, have you ever heard this song?"
Me-"noooo"
Christian-"well, since it's your first time.. maybe you can give me a little dance"
Me-"your high"
Christian-"so?"

The air smells like weed and rain. Christian smells like boy and drugs. The smell that makes my legs go weak. He has an erection through his shiny light blue shorts. I can only imagine the warm gold skin under his black Halloween shirt. I don't dance with him. But he moves closer and closer little by little. Patrik's completely gone.. He's so high all he can do is stand up in the corner of the gate.

Christian-"soo Denia, have a boyfriend?"
Me-"nope, I don't like boyfriends"
Christian-(laughs) Me either. I love being single. Single mingle mingle single.
Me-"it's so funny when your high"
Christian-"So they tell me"

He cocks his head and grins. This boy is fucking dangerous. Comes closer, Patriks not looking, no stars, mumbles, "Denia, what would you do if I kissed you?"
I laugh, look at him. He looks back and leans in. Hot and drugged. I can taste the weed. His stubble grazes my bottom lip. Tongue tongue tongue tongue. Slides around. Sucking on his lips. He pulls me in and trails his fingers over my shorts. Twirl twirl twirl. Pink lips dance. I push in closer. Deeper. His hand whispers over the front of my pants. It drags and suddenly it's faster, harder. Grinding, pushing, his hand is moving in time with his tongue. Throbbing. He whispers, "Want to go inside?" I tell myself, this is summer, it's just for fun. His black black eyes hold mine. We go inside.
His muscles.
I'm up against the wall.
"So, what do you wanna do?"
I smile and kiss him. Kissing is so nice, and it's unbelievably nice with Christian. I wanted more and more and more. He pulls me onto the bed so we're sitting down. Twisting deeper and harder. He lies down, and I'm beside him. He grabs my hair and our mouths are hot hot hot. His pale brown hand reaches up under my black tank top. Rough fingertips. They cup and caress. He gets urgent, so I respond and he starts to sigh. Without even thinking we're moving together. Moans float around us. A song plays on the tv in the next room. Christian drags his mouth down my neck, stopping to kiss it over and over again. That drives me crazy. Lust swirls into me. I murmur against his lips, he moans. His heart is slamming. I'm guessing mine is too. I trail my fingers up and down his gold skin. It's too much. He is too much. It makes me tingle. I taste the shimmering drugged lust and I see Christians black eyes shine like I've never seen before. We understand. Christian is just like me. Lust and want. If you want it, go take it. "Be safe, and don't get into trouble" He tilts his wicked head and winks. Small thrills. I want to save his broken soul. I'll never feel right. It's the deadly rush.

There's still lightning in the sky.
It's raining over us.

That was pretty gutsy, posting one of your private journal entries up here.

I feel like, the way you right, really had me feeling what you where reading. I really felt like I was high, which, for a total good girl, wasn't a pleasent feeling.
But your emotion, was pretty amazing.
I loved it
Write on
~WickedWonder

Hello there and welcome to YWS!

So I get that this was from your diary but you did very little to make it into a story. Everything as you told it was happening so fast and did very little to develop your characters. One minute your MC is talking about the sky and then the next she's smoking a joint? What of in between, I need more. So to me everything just seems like a draft. Also, your paragraphs a too long. If you could decompress them a little more, then it would be easier to read and follow. Don't get me wrong, your writing is really good. There is great use of imagery in there, but your storytelling needs some work. Work on that.
Keep writing

If this is the kind of stuff you write when you're recovering from a high, go and find a few more joints.

The wording and imagery is excellent, and there's a stream of consciousness feel to it that's just wonderful. This isn't weirdly written, it's just well written. There are a few odd inserts like "Seems like a cruel joke because that song and me... Have history.", but that's okay because that presumably means something to you and this is straight from your diary as you said. If it were a fiction piece, or if you were planning on editing or rewriting this, I'd suggest getting that out.

Alright, so maybe I think this piece is a bit better than it is really, given everything I've been reading in here. I'm glad I gave this a chance, even though it was in Romantic Short Stories.

It's a powerful piece that describes teen sexuality and insecurity, and maybe it's an incredible work, or maybe I'm just starved for good writing after too much emo and sappy romantic stuff and I'm latching on to something cool like this.

Either way, great job. I read it over and over. Your strengths are definitely imagery, description, and engaging the reader.

~Aet

(here we have a rare positive review of mine)

Hey and Welcome!


I thought that you were brave to put up a journal entry, but you didi nothing to make it an actual story. It was kind of everywhere, from the sky to the weed to the kissing to the rain. It was a little slopy.


-Charlotte Grace-

Hey there, Denia, and late welcome to YWS! Okay, so I agree with everyone else when they say that it was gutsy/brave for you to put up a journal entry, especially one of this kind, but I do believe it could be improved when it comes to grammar, formatting, etc.

Christian- "do you want a joint?" {Okay, so doing dialogue this way is somewhat strange to me. When it comes to stories, I think it's better to have something along the lines of: "Do you want a joint?" Christian asked. - Otherwise it's somewhat strange. Also, be sure to capitalize the 'D' in 'do'.}

Me- "yeah" {Capitalize.} Also add punctuation.

Patrik- "you smoke?" {Capitalize. Do this for the other dialogue pieces as well. Try to add punctuation as well. }

Me- "yeaaaaa" {Same as above. Also, I don't suggest you stretch out the actual word. Maybe use description to explain the character as stretching it out.}

Brilliant. Patrik hands me a small small almost gone joint. {I suggest you don't repeat 'small'. Maybe just put 'small' or 'very small'.} I take it and sigh. I think that they can tell I don't have a bra on. Christian starts to yell about the music, vybez kartel {Since this is a name, capitalize the 'V' and the 'K'.}, and they get into a huge, high induced argument about it. They turn to me.

Christian-"so, have you ever heard this song?"

Me-"noooo"

Christian-"well, since it's your first time.. maybe you can give me a little dance"

Me-"your high"

Christian-"so?" {Okay, for starters, add punctuation and capitalization. Also for the 'your', change it to 'you're' Once again, don't stretch out the 'noooo' like that.}

The air smells like weed and rain. Christian smells like boy and drugs. The smell that makes my legs go weak. He has an erection through his shiny light blue shorts. I can only imagine the warm gold skin under his black Halloween shirt. {Personally, I think those lines are slightly strange the way they just jump in.} I don't dance with him. But he moves closer and closer little by little. Patrik's completely gone.. He's so high all he can do is stand up in the corner of the gate.

Christian-"soo Denia, have a boyfriend?"

Me-"nope, I don't like boyfriends"

Christian-(laughs) Me either. I love being single. Single mingle mingle single. {You forgot the quotations. Also, this is seeming more like a script than a short story dialogue-wise, especially when you put the '(laughs)'. It's better to explain the character laughing. Also, with the other pieces of dialogue in this section, you need to add capitalization.}

Me-"it's so funny when your high"

Christian-"So they tell me"

The rest of it is actually pretty good, in my opinion. It has a nice concept to it and is interesting, but it's just the basics like grammar that bothers me about it. Otherwise, it's good. As I mentioned once, and the others have mentioned, it was pretty brave of you to put up a journal entry like this.

Good luck, keep writing, and let me know if you need anything.