Young Writers Society

rebelinsilence wrote:Hey this is my new novel, it started of as a joint novel but we decided that it should be my new project so wal-ah!

Chapter 1
Blackout.

-Savannah-

Last week- (this should be a dash, not a hyphen. you can use a double hyphen for that)that’s when it happened, but no one has answers. No one, ‘cept the seven of us knows no "s" because you were referring to the seven of you, which is plural)what really happened.

It started in history, meI not "me" and my best friend Alexi, (or Lexi as near enough everyone called her) was satsitting right at the back of the room.
The teacher? Going on about some random roman solider, who no one really gave an arse about. Us? Mumbling along to Magic (by Bob and Rivers Cuomo).

That was when everyone decided to collapse…except us, of course.

The first thing I did, instead of screaming, was toslap Lexi…her fist impacted with my arm.
Let's take a new paragraph here.
“Ow” I muttered. Well… at least I wasn’t dreaming.
I was surprised with myself, with how calm I was, until I heard a scream,This should be a new sentence Let's try not using "then" much, ok? then my other best friend Libby came running to the door

“Guys, everyone’s, like asleep.” She said.

“You, don’t say..” Libby said very sarcastically.

We decided to check the gym, since that’s what lesson the boys had, hadOk, I think this will be better if it's "We decided to check the gym where the boys were having their lessons." to make it clearer.. Better with "but"When we arrived, we saw four boys just stoodStanding there (no there!)looking totally clueless (like they always to) and funnily enough I knew all of them.
ok, so I was totally confused with that. I think that sentence will be better if you change it to this:
"But when we arrived, only four boys stood there, looking totally clueless. (Stop and enter a new sentence) Funnily enough, I knew all of them.

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[color=#FF0000]Why skip a lot?? [/color]
As soon as I looked over at Lexi and Libby I knew what they were thinking…“Great”.
I couldn’t blame ‘em.
Dominic and Tyler? There total idiots. Connor? Okay he was cool, period.he could swear in polish and German.
Then there was Rio, the most arrogant prick I had ever known! But I will admit it, I had it bad for him.I didn't understand "I had it bad for him" so I don't know how to edit that. But so did Lexi…Okay!?

“Great, Savannah Jackson, Alexi Taylor and Libby Summers, the nerds…they’ll know what happening.” Rio said.

Before meI orthis is and. Lexi could reply, Libby decided to bite back.
enter
“NERDS!,"she snapped."these two maybe, but me, me imI'm.. the pronoun I is always capitalized. set 3!”

Rio wasn’t lisening to her.

“Lisen, guys we kinda have bigger problems, so shut up! Everyone’s lying unconscious around us, and you seem oblivious” Libby shouted…eliminate the ellipsis! Use a period instead.

While she had been remove had been, replace with "was"having a rant I had been sliding "had been sliding" replace with slidmy planner from my pocket, then delete Iwent up to himwho's him? When the antecedent is too far off, mention the noun--or in this case, a person's name) and hit him hard on the arm with it,the planner, be clear! I smirked at him…he just held his arm and gave me the evils at the same time.

rebelinsilence wrote:Hey this is my new novel, it started of as a joint novel but we decided that it should be my new project so wal-ah!

Chapter 1
Blackout.

-Savannah-

Last week- that’s when it happened, but no one has answers. No one, ‘cept the seven of us knows what really happened.bad grammar
It started in history, me and my best friend Alexi, (or Lexi as near enough everyone called her) was sat right at the back of the room.
The teacher? Going on about some random roman solider, who no one really gave an arse about. Us? Mumbling along to Magic (by Bob and Rivers Cuomo).

what does that mean?
That was when everyone decided to collapse…except us, of course.

why did they collapse?
The first thing I did, instead of screaming, was slap Lexi…her fist impacted with my arm “Ow” I muttered. Well… at least I wasn’t dreaming.
I was surprised with myself, with how calm I was, until I heard a scream, then my other best friend Libby came running to the door

“Guys, everyone’s, like asleep.” She said.

“You, don’t say..” Libby said very sarcastically.

It sounds like libby says it all

We decided to check the gym, since that’s what lesson the boys had, had. When we arrived, we saw four boys just stood there looking totally clueless (like they always to) and funnily enough I knew all of them.

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As soon as I looked over at Lexi and Libby I knew what they were thinking…“Great”.
I couldn’t blame ‘em.
Dominic and Tyler? There total idiots. Connor? Okay he was cool, he could swear in polish and German.
Then there was Rio, the most arrogant prick I had ever known! But I will admit it, I had it bad for him. But so did Lexi…Okay!?

bad grammar again

“Great, Savannah Jackson, Alexi Taylor and Libby Summers, the nerds…they’ll know what happening.” Rio said.

Before me or Lexi could reply, Libby decided to bite back “NERDS!, these two maybe, but me, me im set 3!”

Rio wasn’t lisening to her.

“Lisen, guys we kinda have bigger problems, so shut up! Everyone’s lying unconscious around us, and you seem oblivious” Libby shouted…

While she had been having a rant I had been sliding my planner from my pocket, then I went up to him and hit him hard on the arm with it, I smirked at him…he just held his arm and gave me the evils at the same time.

We decided to check every class room, which turned out to be the same as the gym and the history block…everyone looking dead around us.

As we started to walk back to mine and Lexi’s classroom, we heard noise, we ran to the class room to find out what it was.

a noise
Then we saw that everything was back to normal.

“Savannah Jackson and Alexi Taylor, I didn’t know that you needed five other students to go to the toilet?” our now awake teacher said.

“But, we’ve not been to the toil-” I started to say, but then I realised I’d just dug my own grave.
“Right detention, for all seven of you…” she shouted.

The boys and Libby groaned, I gave out a small whine to but then thought it would be a good time to try and figure out why everyone was awake again, and had no memory of anything strange happening.

Confusing.

rebelinsilence wrote:Chapter 1
Blackout.

-Savannah-

Last week- that’s when it happened, but no one has answers. No one, ‘cept the seven of us knows what really happened.

It started in hHistory, Need the capital on the 'H' me and my best friend Alexi, My best friend Alexi and I... (or Lexi as near enough everyone called her) was sat right at the back of the room.
The teacher? Going on about some random roman solider, who no one really gave an arse about. Us? Mumbling along to Magic (by Bob and Rivers Cuomo). The brackets aren't wrong, but you don't need them.

Alright, so the grammar is not very good here. I kind of guessing that it's like that so you can voice the character better, but in all honesty, it can sort of...you know, throw some people off. A whole novel written like that might just drive somebody crazy.

rebelinsilence wrote:That was when everyone decided to collapse…except us, of course. Here you used 'except' instead of just ''cept'. If it was the voice of your character, I would think that she'd say ''cept' again. Of course, like I said earlier, grammar like that can throw a reader off. I'd rather see the first ''cept' changed to an 'except.'

The first thing I did, instead of screaming, was slap Lexi…her Quite honestly, here I would make it two seperate sentences. The '...' just doesn't look right. fist impacted with my arm. “Ow,” I muttered. Well… at least I wasn’t dreaming. I might make a new 'paragraph' where you put in the tiny bit of dialogue, but I don't think it matters too, too much.
I was surprised with myself, with how calm I was, until I heard a scream, then my other best friend Libby came running to the door.

Here you forgot a lot of punctuation. Punctuation is sort of a good thing to remember while writing a story. The last sentence seemed a bit off. Too many commas and 'withs' in it I guess. Try rephrasing it and breaking it into two or three sentences instead and you're good to go.

rebelinsilence wrote:“Guys, everyone’s, like asleep,” she said.

“You, don’t say...” Libby said very sarcastically. There's nothing really wrong with this, though I would maybe change the 'said' to something like 'retorted' and then drop the 'very.' But that's just my style, so I don't know if it would actually sound any better. xD

We decided to check the gym, since that’s what lesson the boys had, had Don't need that last had. I guess you could ditch the comma too. . When we arrived, we saw four boys just stood there looking totally clueless (like they always to) and funnily enough I knew all of them. 'Four boys just stood there' doesn't make sense. What about 'four boys that JUST stood there' instead? Plus...is 'funnily' a word? xD I'm not quite sure.

Only one comment here. Guys aren't always clueless. I suppose that it could just be your character talking, which would make sense... I just thought I'd add something about that in there.

rebelinsilence wrote:As soon as I looked over at Lexi and Libby, I knew what they were thinking…“Great”.
I couldn’t blame ‘em. A few things here. There should be a comma (I inserted one where it needs to be. ) Right before the dialogue, it should be a single period, and there needs to be a space. Also, the last period should be BEFORE the quotation marks, not after.
Dominic and Tyler? There total idiots. Connor? Okay he was cool, he could swear in Polish and German. You could probably start a new sentence between the 'cool' and 'he.' Plus, Polish needed to be capitalized.
Then there was Rio, the most arrogant prick I had ever known! But I will admit it, I had it bad for him. But so did Lexi…Okay!?

Heh, I wish I could swear in Polish and German...anywho... The 'Okay!?' isn't really needed there. But if you really wanted to have it, it shouldn't be capitilized and it shoulder be after a comma rather than the '...' thing you have going on here.

rebelinsilence wrote:“Great, Savannah, Jackson, Alexi, Taylor and Libby Summers, the nerds…they’ll know what happening,” Rio said. I spy a many missing comma!

Before me or Lexi 'Lexi or I' I think it should be. could reply, Libby decided to bite back “NERDS!, these two maybe, but me, me im set 3!” There is something off about the way this is punctuated...the !, thing and the lower-case 't' didn't make much sense to me. Also, you should probably write out the word 'three' rather than just type the number.

Rio wasn’t listening to her.

“Lisen, guys we kinda have bigger problems, so shut up! Everyone’s lying unconscious around us, and you seem oblivious!” Libby shouted…

rebelinsilence wrote:While she had been having a rant, I had been sliding my planner from my pocket, then I went up to him and hit him hard on the arm with it. I smirked at him…he just held his arm and gave me the evils at the same time.
Which 'he' is this referring to? There are plenty of 'he's'... Maybe mention which one? It might help. The sentences here are also a bit run-onny.
We decided to check every class room, which turned out to be the same as the gym and the history block…everyone looking dead around us. Sort of rushed into that...it goes from somebody hitting somebody with a planner to deciding to check out every class room. We need a bit more of what happened BETWEEN that.

As we started to walk back to mine and Lexi’s classroom, we heard noise. We ran to the class room to find out what it was. Once again, we need more detail of what happened in between here. It's feeling a bit rushed. Also, it's a run-on sentence. Watch out for those.

Then we saw that everything was back to normal. Too rushed into things again. Not enough detail. Describe the scene a bit. Also, the 'then' just...eh. It made it sound less creative than it could be.

“Savannah Jackson and Alexi Taylor, I didn’t know that you needed five other students to go to the toilet?” our now awake teacher said.

rebelinsilence wrote:“But, we’ve not been to the toil-” I started to say, but then I realised I’d just dug my own grave.
“Right detention, for all seven of you…” she shouted. Nooo D: That should be an explanation mark! She SHOUTED it. With vigor! You made it sound like she said it softly, regretfully.

The boys and Libby groaned. I gave out a small whine, too, but then thought it would be a good time to try and figure out why everyone was awake again, and had no memory of anything strange happening. Run-on sentence. Try rephrasing it a bit, so you still have the same message, but it's not all in one big lump.
Confusing.

Last week- that’s when it happened, but no one has any answers.

No one, ‘cept the seven of us knows what really happened.

It started in history, me and my best friend Alexi, (or Lexi as near enough everyone called her) was sat right at the back of the room.

The teacher? Going on about some random roman solider, who no one really gave an arse about.

There total idiots.

Before me or Lexi could reply, Libby decided to bite back “NERDS!, these two maybe, but me, me im set 3!”

“Lisen, guys we kinda have bigger problems, so shut up! Everyone’s lying unconscious around us, and you seem oblivious,” Libby shouted…

While she had been having a rant, I had been sliding my planner from my pocket,(a full-stop instead) then I went up to him and hit him hard on the arm with it(full-stop) I smirked at him…he just held his arm and gave me the evils at the same time.

We decided to check every class room, which turned out to be the same as the gym and the history block…everyone looking dead around us.

As we started to walk back to mine(my would do) and Lexi’s classroom, we heard a noise, we ran to the class room to find out what it was.

We decided to check the gym, since that’s what lesson the boys had, had. When we
arrived, we saw four boys just stood there looking totally clueless (like they always to) and funnily enough I knew all of them.