Young Writers Society

It hit me like a bullet; a bullet that was shot straight into my ear drum, forcing its way in so that the sounds couldn’t echo. I actually had to reach for my ears to see if they were still there.

At least I knew I wasn’t blind. Though the explosions emitted strong forces of light, and our glass walls didn’t do anything but help the blinding flashes, I could still see outside. Well that’s a lie. I couldn’t see outside, since a thick cloud of smoke seemed to surround our miniature earth, blocking me from even viewing the sun.

I touched the glass wall that separated my bedroom and all of earth. I wondered if I would ever be able to go out there again. I had been trapped in this cage for seven months, and it was already too much. The experiment was supposed to be over in a year. But would it ever end over now? Would the radiation disable us from escaping our prison?

Suddenly I found myself not staring out the glass but staring at my reflection in it. I had done this many times before. When you’re in a science experiment, they don’t feel as if you need to look at yourself. So over the course of the months, I had forgotten what I’d looked like. It wasn’t a bad thing, not having to care about your looks, but it was a bad thing that you had to do whatever you could to not forget what you looked like. I had to pretend I was studying the outside world while instead I was studying myself. I had to hide every day things from the scientists.

When a nock echoed on the door, I found myself startled. I had completely forgotten about all the blood that must have been spilling in the outside world.

I quickly turned, hoping whoever was at my door would help derive my attention from the chaos. I had my curtains up, the white sheets of cloth that enabled my only privacy. The curtains that were only allowed to be closed during dressing, showering, and sleeping time. Whoever wanted to come in couldn’t see me, so I made sure to check through the curtain that it was someone I wanted to see.

I slightly cracked the curtain open, and Matty was standing there, his hands casually in his pockets, tapping his foot and clicking his teeth together as if he was chewing – something he always did when he was nervous.

I checked to his left and right, making sure none of the scientists were stumbling around the white halls. When I knew it was clear, I opened the door and pulled Matty inside with great force.

He giggled at my seriousness. “Kisa what’s wrong with you this time?”

It’s true; I had often closed my curtains for no reason and only emitted Matty – by force. But this time it was different,
could he not see that?

“Are you kidding me Matty?”

But he wasn’t focused on me anymore. Instead his eyes were hovering over my shoulder, shifting back and forth, up and down, not knowing where to go.

“What-” He strode over to the walls, stiff and slow. “Where are all of the trees?” He tilted his head upwards. “Where’s the sky?” Then he looked straight on and touched the glass. “Where’s home?”

He was talking about land. We were in a glass shelter about ten miles off shore, on our own man-made island. We were trapped in a glass cage. No one came in, no one came out. The only thing keeping all two-hundred and fifty of us sane was the fact that we could see it. We could see civilization on the other side of the ocean. We could see our family’s houses, our old town, and most of all, our future.

I walked forward, my arms crossed over the standard gray jumpsuit issued upon entering the new world. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder and massaged it a bit.

“It’s lost in all the dust, Matt.” I only ever called him Matt when things were serious.

“But…” He looked into my eyes. My heart sank as those deep grays of his softened. “How could it be lost?”

I sighed. “Did you not hear the bombs?”

Hello, Classy.

After reading this through once, this is what I want: I want to see the relationship (that doesn't mean romantic relationship) between Matty and Kisa more defined. They've obviously been together before, but we don't get any hints from their dialogue how long they've known each other or under what circumstances.
Furthermore, I would like a little more definition in the circumstances of the people. Are they in a HUGE glass domecage on an island? At first I thought only Kisa was in a glass box. Where did she pull Matty into? Set up the setting just a little bit more, since you've attempted to describe it a little bit. Just a little more.

Also, there are a few points at which you need to check your word usage. For example:

I quickly turned, hoping whoever was at my door would help derive my attention from the chaos.

Derive doesn't work there.

Now, onto smaller things~

It hit me like a bullet; a bullet that was shot straight into my ear drum, forcing its way in so that the sounds couldn’t echo. I actually had to reach for my ears to see if they were still there.

This intrigues me. It's almost hard to catch hold of in the way you described it, but there's something eerie about the way that this sound affected Kisa so intensely, but Matty acted as if he didn't hear the bombs at all. This description is a little off, however. "Ear drum" seems too specific a target. Would "ear" work better? Or even "side of my head" (though that's a bit more grisly)? Also, to emphasize the loudness of the sound, wouldn't the shot have to be made close to the subject? If a sniper aimed from really far away, the bullet could still hit the ear drum, but it would make hardly any sound at all. If you're looking to describe something loud, you might want to mention proximity as well.

I walked forward, my arms crossed over the standard gray jumpsuit issued upon entering the new world. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder and massaged it a bit.

Now, earlier you mention something about "never escaping our prison", but this part: "entering the new world" seems as if it' something that the subjects did voluntarily. I can't tell if they're there because at first they wanted to be, and only after time passed did they come to view the place as a prison, or whether they were forced there in the first place.

I checked to his left and right, making sure none of the scientists were stumbling around the white halls.

Be very careful. Did you mean to describe the scientists as stumbling? If so, it implies something odd about them, something off -- as if they're not in their right, professional minds. If you didn't mean for them to stumble, if you mean for them to be normal, smart scientists, you should use a different word.

I slightly cracked the curtain open, and Matty was standing there, his hands casually in his pockets, tapping his foot and clicking his teeth together as if he was chewing – something he always did when he was nervous.

He giggled at my seriousness. “Kisa what’s wrong with you this time?”

Again, these two descriptions seem to fight against each other. Is Matty nervous? Then why is he giggling that someone else seems serious? I can't tell what he feels, and I hope that you can pick one or the other to communicate.

“What-” He strode over to the walls, stiff and slow. “Where are all of the trees?” He tilted his head upwards. “Where’s the sky?” Then he looked straight on and touched the glass. “Where’s home?”

Then this seems odd as well. Kisa described seeing only smoke, that was all that she could see. If Matty saw only smoke outside his window, he wouldn't ask where things had gone, would he? If you woke up and saw only smoke outside your window, wouldn't you wonder simply what had happened or where the smoke was coming from? He might, later, wonder if the trees and sky and home are okay, but would that be his first reaction? Just think about it. You know your own characters.

Overall, I think that it's an interesting start, but I hope that in your next parts, you've written in what is causing this conflict and I also hope that you consider exploring your characters more so that you might display them more accurately.

PM me if you have any questions or comments and if you'd like anything else reviewed.
Thanks!

-Hannah-

It hit me like a bullet; a bullet that was shot straight into my ear drum, forcing its way in so that the sounds couldn’t echo.

The redundancy of "bullet" and the unnecessary semicolon resulted in a reflexive "Ew." Considering this is your first sentence, you need to fix this impression. I suggest streamlining it to "It hit me like a bullet shot straight into my eardrum..." Much smoother.

Though the explosions emitted strong forces of light, and our glass walls didn’t do anything but help the blinding flashes, I could still see outside.

Awkward phrase you have here with "strong forces of light". Also, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Try writing this as simply as possible - "The explosions emitted light. The glass walls of our shelter made the light brighter. I could still see outside." - before you make things more complex. It will help you keep your sentences coherent.

Also, who is "our"?

I couldn’t see outside, since a thick cloud of smoke seemed to surround our miniature earth, blocking me from even viewing the sun.

Comma splice. You've got a cause and effect relationship here. Breaking it up with a comma breaks the connection.

But would it ever end over now? Would the radiation disable us from escaping our prison?

As Hannah already pointed out, you've got a couple of misused words scattered throughout. Thesauri are lovely and all, but it's always a good idea to look up the definition of the word you plan to use just in case. For instance, "disabling" only applies to physical objects. A person or machine can be disabled. Something abstract like an escape cannot.

Also, watch for unnecessary words. They can be quite confusing. I was left wondering "End over what?" on the first read through of that sentence.

Suddenly I found myself not staring out the glass but staring at my reflection in it. I had done this many times before.

Two issues with this.

First: unnecessary adverb. Kill it. It doesn't add anything to, and actually detracts from, the sentence.

Second: the second sentence contradicts the first, and so renders the first sentence pointless. I suggest combining the two sentences. Something along the lines of "I found myself staring, as I often did, not out of the glass, but at my reflection in it." gets the point across much more smoothly.

When a knock echoed on the door

Be careful. Spellcheckers are not infallible.

I slightly cracked the curtain open

How do you crack a curtain?

Dictionary.

Moving on, Hannah has already covered most of what I would have said. Listen to her.

Adding on, right now, what you have reads as bland because the characters lack clear personalities, and the setting is under-described. You had an attention-grabbing beginning with the bullet-like sound, but everything else after felt dragging and inadequately explained/described to me. There was a generic description of destruction that we are told was caused by nukes. Cue overwrought generic angsting about spilt blood that comes across as more superficial than anything since she's so easily distracted by her reflection. How does Kisa know it was nuclear and not some other sort of bombs that caused that destruction? How is it that she's apparently the only one who noticed? Why doesn't she have a stronger reaction than "Oh yeah it's sad. Getting distracted by my reflection now"?

This leads me into realism. Right now, your characters do not feel realistic. Also, the setting does not strike me as realistic either. Both of these are due in part to the lack of showing. Most of this chapter is telling, and while telling is good and necessary, too much of it is boring and bland. You have too much telling, and so this chapter reads as very bland and generic. In addition, there is no background information whatsoever for the experiment, which sorely tests my suspension of disbelief. There are ethical standards that all experiments involving humans (and even animals) must adhere to, and so having a bunch of subjects under isolated surveillance at all times of day to the extent that it is an invasion of their privacy elicits a "...No." reaction from me.

So, how to make this better?

First things first, watch your word choice. Cut out as many redundancies and unnecessary words as possible. Ensure that the words you're using mean what you think they mean. Keep a weather eye out for words that, although are spelled correctly, are the wrong spelling for the context you put them in.

Secondly, incorporate more showing into your writing. For example, rather than outright telling us that Matty gets special treatment from Kisa, show us. You could have Matty remark on why Kisa always has to pull him in and why can't he just walk in like a normal person, or something similar.

Thirdly, provide some background. Right now, there's nothing concrete for the reader to grasp hold of, so presenting things like people being isolated in a glass box as part of an experiment is a bit hard to swallow. Making it clearer from the beginning that Kisa volunteered to be part of the experiment but is regretting it now would help ease your readers into the premise of the story, or at least its beginning.

Overall, there's not much going on in this chapter that interests me. It's not bad, necessarily, but it is bland.

Sam!

You have to tell me when you post these things so that I can review them. You know I will, right?

For the most part, I agree with Hannah and Kyllorac so I'm just going to reinforce the points the point that they made. You've really intrigued me with the premise and the characters, so I feel a little cheated about how little I know. How did they get there? Why are they there? You can answer these questions without giving too much away, but just inserting enough information to keep the reader hooked.

The character relationship between Matty and Kisa also feels kind of vague and ambiguous. I kind of get a sense that they're friends, but I'm not sure. Did they come here together? Also, how does Matty not know that there were bombs just dropped?

Overall, this is intriguing and I'd love to read more--sorry if this review was unhelpful in any way.

-Elinor x

captain.classy wrote:It hit me like a bullet; a bullet that was shot straight into my ear drum, forcing its way in so that the sounds couldn’t echo. I actually had to reach for my ears to see if they were still there. I like this begining, but it doesn't real catch my attention. In the next paragraph I start to get what's going on, but I need to know something big is happening in the first paragraph. You need to keep my attention. I would use some exciting words to spice it up abit.

At least I knew I wasn’t blind. Though the explosions emitted strong forces of light, and our glass walls didn’t do anything but help the blinding flashes, I could still see outside. Well that’s a lie. I couldn’t see outside, since a thick cloud of smoke seemed to surround our miniature earth, blocking me from even viewing the sun. Why did you tell us that the character lied? It confused me as to why they lied in the first place. There was no reason, if you wanted to add some description all you had to do was put what you had below down.

I touched the glass wall that separated my bedroom and all of earth. I wondered if I would ever be able to go out there again. I had been trapped in this cage for seven months, and it was already too much. The experiment was supposed to be over in a year. I would insert a comma here and connect the word but to this sentence. Since but is a conjunction I think it would fit better. But would it ever end over now? Would the radiation disable What do you mean here. You say disable, but could you get out if the radiation wasn't there? us from escaping our prison?

Suddenly I found myself not staring out the glass but staring at my reflection in it. I had done this many times before. When you’re in a science experiment, they don’t feel as if you need to look at yourself. So over the course of the months, I had forgotten what I’d looked like. It wasn’t a bad thing, not having to care about your looks, but it was a bad thing that you had to do whatever you could to not forget what you looked like. I had to pretend I was studying the outside world while instead I was studying myself. I had to hide every day things from the scientists. Why is it that you have to hide it from the scientists? I would go into some detail here about why that is.

When a knock echoed on the door, I found myself startled. I had completely forgotten about all the blood that must have been spilling in the outside world. What do you mean here? You didn't tell why the blood would be spilled.

I quickly turned, hoping whoever was at my door would help derive my attention from the chaos. I had my curtains up, the white sheets of cloth that enabled my only privacy. The curtains that were only allowed to be closed during dressing, showering, and sleeping time. Whoever wanted to come in couldn’t see me, so I made sure to check through the curtain that it was someone I wanted to see.

I slightly cracked the curtain open, and Matty was standing there, his hands casually in his pockets, tapping his foot and clicking his teeth together as if he was chewing – something he always did when he was nervous. A comma would fit nicely where you put the subtraction sign.

I checked to his left and right, making sure none of the scientists were stumbling around the white halls. When I knew it was clear, I opened the door and pulled Matty inside with great force.

He giggled at my seriousness. “Kisa what’s wrong with you this time?”

It’s true; I had often closed my curtains for no reason and only emitted Matty – by force. But this time it was different,
could he not see that?

“Are you kidding me Matty?”

But he wasn’t focused on me anymore. Instead his eyes were hovering over my shoulder, shifting back and forth, up and down, not knowing where to go.

“What-” He strode over to the walls, stiff and slow. “Where are all of the trees?” He tilted his head upwards. “Where’s the sky?” Then he looked straight on and touched the glass. “Where’s home?” Now you have my attention. I want to know more about this guy.

He was talking about land. We were in a glass shelter about ten miles off shore, on our own man-made island. We were trapped in a glass cage. No one came in, no one came out. The only thing keeping all two-hundred and fifty of us sane was the fact that we could see it. We could see civilization on the other side of the ocean. We could see our family’s houses, our old town, and most of all, our future.

I walked forward, my arms crossed over the standard gray jumpsuit issued upon entering the new world. I gently placed a hand on his shoulder and massaged it a bit.

“It’s lost in all the dust, Matt.” I only ever called him Matt when things were serious. Why is that?

“But…” He looked into my eyes. My heart sank as those deep grays of his softened. “How could it be lost?”

I sighed. “Did you not hear the bombs?”

Ok, well at the very end you tell us what is going on. I think you were very vague throughout the whole story. I want some more details. I want to know what this girl looks like. She was looking at her refection, but you didn't tell us what she was seeing. Otherwise I really liked this. I hope to see more of your works. Hope I helped.

-Flow-

Pretty interesting. I like the ideal of it all, but the characters seemed past shell-shocked, maybe sociopathic. Of, at least, that's how it seems to me. Try to add a little emotion, some thoughts that are suitable for the knowledge the earth went up in flames? I don't know. And I don't really know much about the characters yet... If I were the man, I'd be flipping out, worried to death about my family. Even if she didn't have anything to lose, the thought of thousands dead should have her terrified or something.
I don't know. ...Keep on writing, so I can see how this goes?

When was the last time you "emitted" someone inside?