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Elliot (Chapter 1)



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Thu Sep 02, 2010 6:57 pm
HomelessPorcupine says...



*So this started out as just a random short story that I was writing, and then it just took shape. Hope you enjoy, and thank you for the critiques!*


Feeling the soft grass beneath his fingers, Elliot pushed up from the ground for the last time. The workout had been rough. His trainer had made him work hard and he breathed a sigh of contentment as he sat and drank water out of his jug. The short Asian wasn’t there at the time and he could have just been lazy, but he respected the man too much to disobey him. There was also the fact that he would have been utterly destroyed if the ninja found out. Not really, but he would have at least been wrestled into submission and then felt an elbow grinding into his spine. That’s how life is though. You work hard, or you hurt for it later.

Checking his watch, Elliot saw that he was right on schedule. He had hoped to finish his workout in a couple of hours and then head off to class. Having just enough time to eat, drink a protein shake, shower and still be a few minutes early, Elliot started rushing through everything as he usually did. He worked with his trainer three days out of the week. It used to be that he did it with two other friends, but one was now playing football and the other took college classes all day long. Elliot smiled as he thought of how nice taking only nine credits was. It really was the way to go about college, especially for the first semester.

At sixteen years old, the sweaty teenager was a stereotype when it came to how much food he consumed. Even worse for his parents, he did pretty heavy workouts, so that also added to the food bill quite a bit. Elliot chuckled with a mouth full of egg, imagining his mom telling him for the billionth time that he ate too much and would be fat when he was older. She said it constantly, but that never stopped Elliot from filling his protein quota with eggs, meat and cottage cheese every day.

Finishing off the last of the protein shake, Elliot picked up his backpack and raced out the door. He wasn’t able to drive yet even though he was sixteen. He didn’t get his permit until he was already driver license age, mainly due to laziness. Elliot regretted this now though, as he had to walk to school everyday. He would head first to the Norem building, then to the University an hour and a half later. That was one of the reasons that his mornings were always free of college classes, learning at Norem class was much more important to him.

Jogging lightly down the street that led to the house that they used for a classroom, Elliot looked around for someone he knew. Nobody. There used to be a few people on his street who went with him to Norem class, but they had all stopped when The Persecution started. A frown beginning to tear across his face, Elliot began to think of other things.

“You can’t do anything about it now Elliot. It is already past and you cannot do anything to change it. Whoa, that car has big rims.”


As he began to occupy his mind with cars and rims, which he knew next to nothing about, the memories in the back of his mind still stirred around. He wasn’t going to truly forget about it anytime soon. He was not going to forget at all.

It had been the year before and the government had once again brought persecution down upon the practitioners of power. Two hundred years ago, the same thing had happened; and before that, it had happened thousands of years ago. Of course, the ones who openly proclaimed their magical abilities were always given weird stares and a few feet of space, but nothing too bad. Whenever the government gets involved though, that’s when things really start going really downhill.

A year ago, His Majesty The President had decided that the non-profit organization, which helped train young men and women in the use of power, should be taxed. Of course, it was ridiculous. What part of non-profit did His Moronic Majesty not understand? Of course, they had no money to pay the taxes, so decided to “disband”. In other words, they met in the leaders’ houses without mentioning the old name of the school, “Academy of Powers”. Now they just called it “Powers Academy”, because according to the tax order, switching up the order of the name made it okay. It helped that there were clever lawyers who also went to the Academy.

Having already entered the house, Elliot went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. It had eleven pillows on it, and you would just sink into it whenever you sat. It was Elliot’s type of sofa.

Looking around the room, he was surprised that there was only one other person there. Zane looked at him from the recliner that he sat on, grinning. Zane Anders, one of Elliot’s best friends, could usually be found in a good mood. He was Elliot’s indicator of how bad things were in life, because if you ever saw Zane in a bad mood, you knew that something was definitely wrong.

“Zane, have you ever gone through an entire day of your life thinking that you are the only human being in existence, and that everyone else is a robot?”

“I actually have! When I was younger I used to think that I was the only person with a mind of my own and everyone else was just… there.”

“I’ve thought about that too! There was this one time-“


Elliot grinned as their teacher came in looking at them like they were a couple of morons. There was only one person with whom Elliot could talk about this stuff with, and that was Zane Anders. They were definitely a couple of weirdoes, but they both knew it and embraced the title without a second thought.

The two boys took out their history books, ready to study whatever it was they were studying that day. The teacher made himself comfortable, sitting down in an armchair opposite Zane and to Elliot’s left. Elliot’s trainer, Steven Matsu, traded off with the teacher in front of them, Dane Loc, every other day. One taught the lesson while the other observed, assisting or adding in ideas every once in a while. Today though, Matsu wasn’t there, so they just had Loc. He wasn’t all that bad though, he was funny and enjoyed teaching.

“Okay guys, today’s lesson is about the differences between the two types of power. Now, I know that both of you already know this, but we are going to get a little deeper into it today. Elliot, remind us what the Lesser Magic is called and how it came to be.”

Elliot thought for a moment, though he already knew the answer. He just wanted to make sure that he had it all in his head still.

“The lesser power is the Power of Nor. Nor was a slave in the Tentia Empire and became a close friend with Teph, who freed the slaves. Teph is the one who gave Nor the lesser power, though Nor wasn’t the first person to receive it. The power was named after him because of his valor and courage in freeing the slaves.”

“Very good. Now Zane, tell me about the high power.”


Elliot saw Zane straighten up in his seat a little; formed from old habits of discipline at the private school he used to attend.

“The high power is called the Power of Kedize. Kedize received both the lesser and high powers from his father, whose name is unknown. Kedize was one of the first great practitioners of high power, and everyone paid tribute to him so that he could in turn pay tribute to the Deity.”


Elliot caught Zane’s eye as he finished speaking and gave him a thumbs up, which was returned with an over exaggerated nod. Loc mumbled to himself as he went through the notes on his laptop, which was sitting on his lap. Of course, he probably didn’t need the notes, but Elliot assumed that he just didn’t want to accidentally leave something out. Coming to attention as his teacher spoke, he wondered what exactly they would be learning about today.

“Alright, very good answers both of you. Now, you both also know about the dark power and some of its uses throughout history. Though you do not know much about it’s origins, as that lesson is usually left until around your age. Elliot, what is dark power?”

“Dark power is the Power of Kint. It is power used by the Enemy to fight and or control anyone who opposes them. Solely drawing on negative emotions, the dark power is why we don’t us our power when we are angry or anything.

“Yes, but tell me Elliot, why? For example, if you are angry at a man for beating your wife, why should you not use your power in anger?”


Elliot didn’t even stop to think, the answer came automatically to his mind.

“Because even if you are in the right, the more that you use your power that way, the more susceptible you will become to the temptation to use the dark power. If you kept using your power unwisely, you could end up doing something wrong like blowing up your teacher’s laptop or something.”

At that, both Zane and Loc chuckled a bit. Unlike high school, the lessons in this house were usually pretty relaxed. These history lessons weren’t about enforcing discipline or making sure that everyone knew who the boss was, they were about learning about the origins of their ancestors. Elliot and Zane both watched eagerly as their teacher began to speak again. They had never learned about the origins of dark power before.

“Long ago, when Kedize was still a child, he had an uncle named Kint. Kint was a powerful man. He was big, strong and had a powerful charisma about him. He was a natural leader. He received the lesser and high power from his father, who was Kedize’s grandfather.

Kint was a good man. He served his fellow mages and was loved by all. One day though, Kint was walking through the woods after he was done working in the fields. A dragon who was his friend came up to him and spoke, telling Kint that his brother was planning to accuse him wrongly in front of the people, so that they would love him instead. Can either of you two guess what happened next?”


Elliot thought for a moment. If Kint was a practitioner of dark power, and was renowned for being evil, then he obviously did something to his brother. Did he kill him? That seemed a bit much, but it sounded like something that would be in the old stories. He opened his mouth to speak, but Zane had already started to answer.

“He killed his brother?”

Loc nodded. A sad look crossed onto his face, as it usually did when talking about something like this.

“Kint confronted his brother, but when he denied everything, Kint killed him. He trusted the words of the dragon, and he was so blinded by rage that he went forward to strike him. The anger that the dragon had given him strengthened his arm; he landed a blow to his brother’s temple that killed him instantly. The dragon had tricked him into unlocking the dark power that lay dormant inside of him.”

Elliot and Zane stared at Loc in surprise. They were expecting him to tell them that Kint had tricked his brother somehow, not killed him using brute force. Kedize’s father had been a great warrior and had waged war against the powerless to keep his people safe.

Elliot opened his mouth, closed it for a second, and then opened it again. His look had changed from a look of astonishment to a look of thoughtfulness; he had a couple of questions to ask.

“Umm, Loc? So does this mean that people with the dark power have like superhuman strength and stuff?”

Loc looked at the boys thoughtfully for a moment, it was obvious that Zane had been about to ask pretty much the same thing. Elliot waited while his teacher thought, thinking about what it must be like to have that much power.

“Just because a holder of one of the good powers doesn’t do that kind of thing, it doesn’t mean that he can’t. If the need was great enough and if you did not do while under the influence of a negative emotion then you yourself could have superhuman strength. But yes, dark power can grant you strength.

The lesser power that you both hold is more powerful that you can comprehend, it’s more powerful than even I can comprehend. If your heart is strong and if you do not falter, then you can be stronger than the strongest dark power user by ten fold.”


Elliot’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and confusion. Why had they never been told this before? It wasn’t like it was some deep and sacred ritual that could not be shared until one attained the Power of Kedize. Were they not told because no one was told their full strength until they were mature enough to know?

Throughout the rest of the lesson, Elliot only half listened; thinking about what it was like to have all of that power and how he could use it.
Last edited by HomelessPorcupine on Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Sep 02, 2010 8:28 pm
CreativeFreak says...



Hi. :)
I like this story, but I think in the beginning you are focusing too much on what he is doing and not so much on what he is thinking or feeling.

Nitpicks:
His Majesty The President

Comma after "Majesty."

so decided to “disband”.

This doesn't sound right. Maybe add the word "It" after "'Disband.'"

Good story though, you did a great job. Write on and PM me when you get the next chapter through; I would love to continue reading and review. :)

~CF
Write on.
  





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Fri Sep 03, 2010 1:43 am
HomelessPorcupine says...



Thanks for the input Creative! I was going to call you 'Mr. Freak', but decided I liked the name 'Creative' instead.

I'll be sure to take your review into account when I start editing!

-HP
"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."


Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.
  





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Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:46 pm
CreativeFreak says...



Well, I'm a girl. :)
Write on.
  





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Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:03 pm
Grinwithnocat says...



This is very interesting, I usually am not very interested in stuff about magic and all, but this...I don't know. It drew me in. I saw a couple of mistakes, but I'm sure if you just reread over it, you can find them. They're just a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but again, nothing major at all.

I found this to be quite interesting and I hope you post the second chapter! I like how you make it so when they speak it's bold, I found that to be quite enjoyable and I do not know why. It was just easier to read that way. I like when they're talking about thinking they were the only human, I laughed at that. I have never thought such a thought. It seems like Zane is the trouble maker!

Great job!
Knave of Hearts-If you're hiding her, you'll all lose your heads. (clutches onto Hatter's neck)

The Mad Hatter-Already lost them!

Alice- What's he doing?
Chess-The futterwacken

The Mad Hatter- And on that day, I will futterwacken vigioursly!
  





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Tue Sep 14, 2010 10:30 pm
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review :) I am sorry I am so late with it but school just caught up with me. I have read your other reviews and the story itself, and I do have to say i enjoyed. you have a good style of writing that kept me interested. I may have seen some tiny grammar errors, but nothing you couldn't fix with out a good proof read.

Have an awesome day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  








i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
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