Young Writers Society

It had gotten to a point where all the daily things that everyone did confused me. It got to a point where a clean house was awkward, and an unwashed, molding dish was easily disregarded. I don’t think that it was because I didn’t care about life, because if there was one side affect of depression that I didn’t suffer from, it was not caring about my life. It was more like I needed the abnormal to become the norm so that I could stay sane. Suffering over the same thing every day is not exactly a cake walk. If just one thing, like a stinky kitchen or a muddy staircase, could be changed then I knew that it wasn’t a nightmare.

I was running as fast as I could. No, I wasn’t running from anything; just plain old running. There were about four logs being cradled in my arms as my body sashayed back and forth in a rhythm that could only be created by taking perfectly straight steps through a perfectly misshapen terrain. It was peaceful, and I could almost see all of the migrating ladybugs flying around my face.

Then it all changed. I imagined that all of my classmates were behind me, chasing me with pitchforks and clubs. I turned around, pointed and laughed at them. I mean, they all looked so silly, them with their medieval weaponry.

Then I would turn forward again and my mother would be there, kneeling down and opening her arms to me like we were in Disneyland and she wanted to show off my cuteness to the world. I was seven again then. It was weird: I could feel my legs shrinking, like I had just eaten from the side of the mushroom that makes you grow shorter. I looked at her stunningly beautiful… everything, and scrunched up my face. My hand balled into a fist as I got closer and closer to her.

The trees turned to a clear blue sky, and the dirty, mossy forest floor turned into clear blue sea water. I was running on a dock, running closer and closer to my mother. Then, suddenly, she started to float away. On her boat.

I reached the end of the dock and almost fell into the deep yet shallow water below to reach her. I stretched out my arm as far as possible, but my arms just weren’t long enough.

She saw my struggles and laughed, clutching her nonexistent belly and throwing her head back. When she stopped, she was several feet away on her boat. A man came up from below the sailboat, from the cabin, and wrapped his arms around her. His looks started out round and ‘baby-faced,’ then started changing into all different shapes and sizes. Each second a new face appeared upon the man who was now tangling her perfect hair, and smudging her flawless pink lipstick.

I cringed and looked away. When I heard her pleasant groans stop, I peaked. She was walking to the front of the boat, not even saying goodbye. And the man with the many faces turned to me and smiled. His teeth were bright and white, mocking me. Then he turned and walked towards my mother.

I stood there, my short brown hair and cute pink dress that matched my mother’s dress flowing in the wind. My giant baby eyes filled with tears of sorrow and longing, though back then I had no idea what either of those words meant. But I knew the feeling. Because believe it or not, that was not the first time my mother left me on that dock, from what I can remember. That was just one of the worst, because the man, who is now faceless in my eyes, was having a competition to see who she loved more. And he won.

I turned back to the mob behind me, who must have been moving at slow motion through that entire escapade, because they were just now at the beginning of the dock. All of my classmates were there, hovering over me. For some reason my age and height had lowered, while theirs had stayed the same. I sighed and stretched out my arms. I took a step back so that my sandals were half on the deck, half hanging over the side. Then I just kind of released every muscle in my body, and I fell.

This is a good story, full of descriptions and the main characters thoughts.
The dream perfectly describes what happened to the character and her life.
Basically she is competing for her mother's love over her boyfriend,step father.
I have no advice for you on your story, besides that you should add a sequel.
Sail your ship, Captain...
CardDragon.

Hey, Classy. I'm not quite sure how this is going to turn into a novel without this piece being rendered a prologue, because though I rather like this style in short stories, it might get a bit thick for a novel. Having said that, I'm not a novelist, so I suppose I'm biased. It's your style I want to talk about in this review, anyway, regardless of whatever this turns into.

I'd guess from this piece that your character is at least somewhat psychologically unstable. You mention it yourself with the depression at the beginning, but I think it goes deeper than that in this piece, leading back from these memories of her mother leaving with another man, or perhaps several different men. Whatever the story, I was struck by the strange middle ground you tread in this piece. You use phrases such as "for some reason", "believe it or not", "not exactly" and "kind of". It's as if your MC is saying to us, "Look, I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense. Just go with it. Please?" The use of such phrases as I mentioned also brings about a very odd mix of the formal and informal.

To be honest, it's much easier for the reader if you expect us to accept that your character isn't completely sane during this narration, rather than include phrases that suggest a doubt on your part, as if we won't understand. I don't think you intended to do so, but it sounds as if you're making excuses for the MC rather than just letting your writing do the talking. We will understand when images are inexplicable. There's no need to be self-conscious about writing something slightly off the beaten track.

You seem to sink into repetition occasionally, which is best caught just by proof-reading. Unfortunately, you have to be looking out for repetition, or you usually don't spot it. I'd keep an eye out for "perfect" and "started", which are a couple I spotted. My other nitpick would be the first paragraph's apparent lack of relevance. I think you're introducing the piece as a nightmare, but it's very difficult to tell. If it is a nightmare, that's even more reason to keep the "for some reason" phrases to a minimum. In nightmares, we tend to just accept the bizarre as if they happen everyday - much as your MC says in that first paragraph about abnormality. If you could work that into something cohesive, it would make for a more fitting introduction, I think.

Anyway, this makes for a creepy read, more so than I thought it would from the title. The idea of the faceless man is well executed, and so is the idea of the students chasing your MC with pitchforks. That part in particular could have been funny to read, but you've managed to get it across in such a way that it's almost claustrophobic. Just watch out for the nitpicks I've mentioned. I'm intrigued to see where you'll take this.

- Jet.

Thanks for the reviews! I'm not sure what this is going to be. This is part of the first chapter, the next part will open up with her in the forest again, snapped out of her fantasy. I am going to try this out as a novel because that was my original plan for this idea, but if it becomes to complicated and I lose track of the character, then I'm going to short story it.

I'm glad that this piece conveys her unstable mind, but did not turn into a joke!

Thanks again for the reviews.

Classy!!! Hey! How're you doing?
It's me, Fire. You do remember me right? right?? Haha,

I don't usually critique in general fiction but lets give it a try shall we?

Nit Picks

I don’t think that it was because I didn’t care about life, because if there was one side affect of depression that I didn’t suffer from, it was not caring about my life.

So here you've begun in present tense and then halfway through the sentence reverted back to past tense. If this is a way your attempting to show the unstable psychology of your MC, then, however unheard of your method is, by all means carry on. If not I suggest you change it.

It was more like I needed the abnormal to become the norm so that I could stay sane. Suffering over the same thing every day is not exactly a cake walk.

Again, you've written it in present tense. As I'm not sure whether or not your making a mistake, I'll just point out the tense reversions without attempting to change them.

It was weird: I could feel my legs shrinking, like I had just eaten from the side of the mushroom that makes you grow shorter.

Haha, Alice in Wonderland reference, nice.

I stood there, my short brown hair and cute pink dress that matched my mother’sdress flowing in the wind.

The repetition of dress isn't needed.

Because believe it or not, that was not the first time my mother left me on that dock, from what I can remember.

That was just one of the worst, because the man, who is now faceless in my eyes, was having a competition to see who she loved more.

Tense difference again, assuming everything is supposed to be written in past tense (the currently dominant tense in your story).

I turned back to the mob behind me, who must have been moving in at slow motion through that entire escapade, because they were just now at the beginning of the dock.

at the beginning of the dock seems a little awkward don't you think? Maybe something like - were only just now beginning to enter the dock.

Character

Wow, I must say you've done a great job in showing us the unstable psychology of you MC. It really juts out of the story like it's in 3D. But there are some places where I ended up thinking - Is this an slightly insane/troubled girl or just some random girl who had a really bad childhood.

You need to make the reader feel her... (for means of convenience let us use insanity to mean slightly unstable) insanity. I'm not actually sure how to do so, but adding a little bit more color to the nightmare (personally) would help you do it.

Others and Overview

Ah, I could go on and on about how great your descriptions of the nightmare were. It was pure genius to portray the troubles of reality in such a way. The classmates with pitchforks and the faceless man. Pure genius. You've really given it a kinda feeling that pulls the reader into a pit of despair... no, thats going too far.

What i meant to say is that by showing the reader the troubles she faces in her everyday life in such vivid and original ways, you've captured the readers attention and also given him lots of things to think about thereby forcing him to want to read more of it. I hope that made sense.

Your usage of words did not feel awkward when switching from one scene in the nightmare to the next. It all seemed flowing as if I was watching a movie. Honestly you've done great.

To contradict myself, when you read over it again, the slightly insane girl idea seems to slip through your mind, replaced with troubled and depressed girl idea. I'm not sure if this is what you wanted to achieve in your story, but either way it was brilliantly done.

I'm really looking forward to chapter one part one of your story. But I have to agree with Jet when he says that you should take this as a prologue. We havnt seen the rest of the chapter so we can't say for sure, but it would make perfect sense as a prologue and also seems written to be a prologue. But, thats just mine and (in this case) Jet's advise. You can choose to follow our advise or not to.

Anyway, overall, it was a great piece. I don't usually read general fiction and still its a good read for me. Great work Classy, Keep it up!

-Fire-

Firestalker! Eep! Of course I remember you! We were besties! And then you dissapeared! Thanks so much for the review.

I mean, they all looked so silly[b], them[b] with their medieval weaponry.

The bold part bothered me. I think it sounds better with the comma and them omitted.

Overall: Good story, awesome description, and no grammar mistakes that I could see. This story is better than most I see on here, and the description was most definitely better than any story I've seen on here. Also, great job personifying your characters madness with the mob of classmates and the mother sailing away with the man of many faces. Well, if you need another review, you know where to find me.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Hey,
thank you for requesting a review. You've had some awesome reviews, so I will try not to be redundant. I am also sick at the moment so this maybe short, but I didn't want you to think I had forgotten about your request.

I loved the description; I did see some grammatical errors, but I think your other reviewers got to them first. I really enjoyed this; it was entertainable. I know this isn't a very good review so if you need another feel free to ask

Have an awesome day,
Tiffany