Young Writers Society

Prologue:
Darkness was everywhere. The air teemed with it, and all was not well in the night. The weight of the darkness penetrated all in its grasp, and the world was without Hope.

Suddenly, in the night, a Light flickered. On, then off, then on again. Its power driving back the void of the Darkness, making it writhe in anguish and anger. The Darkness was now afraid. It was certain that no other Hope still thrived, but there, in the midst of its thrall, a Light was born.

Something had to be done to prevent the rise of the Light. Calculating, the Darkness searched for the origin of its most feared foe, but was thwarted in its aims. Someone—or something—powerful was shielding the Light source. It must be found, and destroyed before it could come to power and disperse the Darkness.




In a small village in the mountains of an inconsequential country, a baby cried for the first time. The mother was tired from the long labor, and the midwife was not certain she would survive the night. After cleaning up the child, she carefully laid the baby in its mother’s arms and said, “What will you name the babe? It is a girl.”

The midwife wiped the mother's sweat-drenched face with a cool cloth, and then returned her attention to the woman who had wandered into town, only to give birth to her child. She did not look as if she would make it past the child's first hour of life. Birthing the babe had taken her strength and many hours of pain, and the midwife had never seen someone so determined to have a child. The young woman had not cried out once in pain, when the midwife knew she had to have been in excruciating agony. She was either very brave, or too strong to give in to the need to cry out. Her strength was gone, however.

The mother slowly opened her eyes, and in the pale candlelight looked at her infant lying asleep in her weak arms and replied in a fair voice that seemed out of place in the rough country surrounding and including the small village, “I will call her Ailia. For she will be the Light in the time of our Darkness.” That proclamation was the last of her words, for no sooner had she spoken, than she fell into the final sleep.

Sadness filled the heart of the midwife, for now she had to find a home for the orphan. “Poor child. To be born under such a horrible omen, tsk-tsk, at least you have a promising birthright. Little Ailia. Come with me and I shall find a place for you,” she said as she lifted the golden-hued child from her mother’s dead embrace.

The night was silent outside the tiny house where the girl was born, but it seemed as if the night had lost its sway over the air. Instead of fear of the Darkness, Hope filled the countryside, and the villagers all had good dreams for the first time in forever. Far away, something screamed in desperation.




Chapter 1: Seventeen Years Later


“Ow!” cursed a young woman of about seventeen. The cause of her pain was an old man with dark brown eyes staring down at her, holding a long staff as he stood near her now indignant self. She muttered something under her breath about knowing where he lived and slept before she tried to stand again.

He waited patiently for her to get up before saying, “Well, if you had been paying attention in your lessons instead of daydreaming, you might have been aware that I was attacking you. Maybe.”

Rolling her eyes, she grunted a noncommittal reply and pulled herself up off of the sparring sand, dusting the grit off of her worn clothes. She had been laid flat on her back from a blow directed by the old man’s staff. “Jeb, if you weren’t such a crotchety old man, determined to bruise me from head to toe, I wouldn’t have to watch my back all of the time.” Her glaring eyes accused him of being too tough with a gentleness most people would have missed. But for Jeb, it was like she had just told him she loved him.

Finally allowing himself to smile, Jeb laughed. “Ah, you know me too well, Ailia! But how will I teach you anything if you aren’t prepared for a duel at any moment?”

Ailia tried to glare, but at the old man’s laugh she broke down and started laughing as well. Her laugh sounded like the tinkling of wind chimes on a sunny day. The sound determined to make everyone in hearing distance smile and laugh as well. As she enjoyed the moment of release, Jeb looked at her.

He saw a beautiful girl with eyes that changed color in the sunlight. They began a startling blue, quickly changing to bright emerald green, and then surprisingly, the color of liquid gold. Her eyes were like the sun that shines on the mountains of their home, reflecting the grass and streams. Her hair hung to the middle of her back, shimmering the color of a tawny lioness’s hide. It rippled with the light.

Oh, how she had cried when the other village children had wanted to cut a piece of her hair because they thought it was actual gold. They had chased her home, and Jeb had had an upset eight-year-old girl on his hands and a lesson to teach to the other children. They had not bothered Ailia's hair since that day, and she had all but forgotten about the incident to Jeb's knowledge.

Barely five feet eight inches, her size belying her strength, she was a sight to behold, and Jeb knew it was only a matter of time before her destiny came calling. He would do everything in his power and knowledge to prepare her. If she would only pay attention instead of having waking dreams on the sparring field. What he wouldn't give to know what she dreamed about at those times when he had to be the one to wake her back into reality.

“Why the serious face?” She cried jokingly, coming up from her romp in delight. “So happy one moment, then so tense the next. You know, Jeb, worrying doesn’t make the world spin slower.” She fell back into a fit of giggles. She didn't laugh often enough for his satisfaction. Sometimes he wondered if she was even human, because she would fall into trances of silence for hours, just sitting in the sun. But he tried not to think those thoughts too often. She was his daughter, adopted or not, and he loved her all the same. She was all he had left.

Sighing, Jeb turned back to his adopted daughter and student, and began to instruct her in the proper way to defend oneself against an assailant with a quarter staff. The sound of wood striking wood, and sometimes of flesh, filled the day, and the sun shone brightly upon the place where Ailia stood: Upon the daughter of the Light.

Hello wolf! You have reviewed my stories so I shall review yours!

Alright so, I didn't see any nitpicks. But, I didn't get it. You jumped forward seventeen years, but you gave no indication of it. I was wondering if it was the Allia I had read about earlier. Maybe put a big space in between those two parts, it would give a little sign to the reader that time has passed.

I really like this so far, you had great descriptions and I could picture her perfectly in my mind. I can't wait to read more, and you have to let me know when you post again. Can't wait to see more!!!

Great Job!

~Forest

Hey there

For a book opening, I like this a lot. It's well written and draws you in quickly, and it's a good length too. I do think you need to make some changes to bring it to its full potential though.

To me, it seems like this is in three separate parts: the prologue type part with the battle between light and dark, the birth of the baby and the part where Ailia is seventeen years old, and the tone changes considerably between parts. The first and second are both written in a style similar to that of an ancient legend, whereas the last is in a more relaxed, getting on with the story type style. I think this works well, but to me it feels like the first two parts are intended as a prologue, setting up the makor themes of the story before you get on with introducing the heroine as we're ging to know here for the rest of the story. So, I would suggest splitting the three parts up to make it clearer and to indicate that there's a jump in time between each one.

In the first part I like the way you set it up as an epic battle between Light and Darkness, but just to have it like that seems maybe a little contrived. I mean, it's an idea that's been used many times before and you don't really give any explanation for it or attempt to make it stand out. It does raise a lot of questions and make me want to read on through.

Cutting straight to a child that is obviously meant to be the Light is, again, perhaps an overused idea. Also, you don't really offer much explanation as to how we're meant to know that Ailia is this destined child. How do we know the mother doesn't just have delusions of grandeur? Maybe if there was some kind of visible sign instead of just the mother's word this would be more believable.

I like the contrast that follows all this talk of destiny with Ailia getting hit with a stick because it suggests that she's just an ordinary girl. However, in the scene that follows she comes across as a total Mary Sue. In order to have an interesting main character she needs to have flaws and a genuine personality, not be some perfect, beautiful girl, which is how she seems right now. You spend a lot of time describing how astonishing her eyes are, without offering any explanation as to why they are not just one but three unusual colours, and how she has perfect hair as well. Alright, so she's destined to be a heroine, but why should that change her physical appearance and make her so unusually beautiful? Readers would relate much better to a character who feels like a real person instead of this perfect girl who is incredibly pretty and has a beautiful laugh.

So overall, I enjoyed reading this but I do think you need to make some changes because right now your plot and main character are pretty cliched and don't have anything to make them stand out from the many other books also following a similar pattern. I hope you post the rest of this though because I'd like to read more.

Okay Baywolf25 I really enjoyed this story and I think you have a great plot, I can clearly see that you put a lot of thought in to this novel one thing that you should work on is the development of her adoptive father it delves a little into how he loves her but could use a few more details. i really enjoyed this and i am on my way to read chapter 2! Thank you for posting I love this!

Hmm, I think I liked this. There has obviously been some serious work devoted to the story. Overall, I liked it. I think I'm being to picky or maybe it's just OCD kicking in, but sometimes I found myself re-reading sentences when I didn't understand them the first time. Maybe there needs to be a few more periods or something in there, I'm not sure.

But keep going. People like this:)

--Lollipopper

Hey there Bailey! Spitfire to the review rescue (I know, kinda lame)

baywolf25 wrote:Suddenly, in the night, a Light flickered. On, then off, then on again. Its power driving back the void of the Darkness, making it writhe in anguish and anger. The Darkness was now afraid. It was certain that no other Hope still thrived, but there, in the midst of its thrall, a Light was born.

Something had to be done to prevent the rise of the Light. Calculating, the Darkness searched for the origin of its most feared foe, but was thwarted in its aims. Someone—or something—powerful was shielding the Light source. It must be found, and destroyed before it could come to power and disperse the Darkness.

There's one thing that bothers me about this. If Darkness and Light are characters, then you shouldn't have to put "the" in front of them as they are names. As much as you wouldn't say "the Jessica". I suggest you remove them.

baywolf25 wrote:The mother slowly opened her eyes, and in the pale candlelight looked at her infant lying asleep in her weak arms and replied in a fair voice that seemed out of place in the rough country surrounding and including the small village

Okay, this is really my personal nit-picking, but I feel this sentence is way too long.

baywolf25 wrote:“Ow!” cursed a young woman of about seventeen.

The strikeout part is useless, I find, as you already pointed out that the story had advanced 17 yrs. It's easy to understand that the girl was the child at first.

Alright. Nit-picking done.
I liked the chapter, but I must say, there could've been a lot more. More info on Ailia and her background as we've just skipped 17 years of her life. And personally, I'm a sucker for a good fight scene, which I think could've been really cool here. You know, instead of Jeb just knocking her down, they could've had a little showdown. My personal opinion, though.

Having said all that, I still think it was a good chapter. I really like your style of writing, and it was real easy to follow the story.

So right now I gotta go, but I'll be back to review the next chappy

Bailey! I saw you posted and had to review.

Okay, so I think you have a good prologue, though I'm not usually one to go in for those. The only thing that crossed my mind as I was reading it, though, was that it sounded like something from the Lord of the Rings. The Darkness and the Light, no hope, etc., just all sounded vaguely familiar. Not that it's bad, it's just something I thought I'd mention.

In a small village in the mountains of an inconsequential country, a baby cried for the first time.

I know what you mean by "inconsequential," but still I bet the people who live there wouldn't describe it as such. Perhaps "humble," "out-of-the-way," something to indicate that it isn't prominent, but it's not to be discounted too much, either.

The midwife wiped the mother's sweat-drenched face with a cool cloth, and then returned her attention to the woman who had wandered into town, only to give birth to her child.

I got confused here. I'm guessing the mother and the woman who wandered into town is the same person, but from the way it's worded here ("the midwife then returned her attention"), it seemed at first like there were two different women, the mother and the woman who wandered into town (as that's all we know them as).

The night was silent outside the tiny house where the girl was born, but it seemed as if the night had lost its sway over the air. Instead of fear of the Darkness, Hope filled the countryside, and the villagers all had good dreams for the first time in forever. Far away, something screamed in desperation.

I love this, and I'd just suggest making the last sentence a completely different paragraph, to emphasize it more.

Chapter 1: Seventeen Years Later

“Ow!” cursed a young woman of about seventeen.

I think this was mentioned already, but there's no need to say Ailia's age when the chapter heading gives the timeframe; we can figure it out for ourselves, especially once we find out the girl is Ailia, who was a baby seventeen years ago.

The sound of wood striking wood, and sometimes of flesh, filled the day, and the sun shone brightly upon the place where Ailia stood: Upon the daughter of the Light.

This just looks weird to me; I don't know if you could change it to a new sentence or something, but it just doesn't look right.

Okay, that's all I have to say. So far I'm really liking what I've read! I'm off to the next chapter.

Okay, first off, this is a great story.
I liked how the first two parts, the battle between light and dark and the birth were written in a certain style and then the third part was written differently, it was more relaxed.
I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors, which is great because usually there are so many. I cannot wait to read the next chapter.

Hey Baywolf!

I'll be looking at your story today, although I think that most things will have already been covered judging by the amount of reviews, so I'll just look at the really picky things.

Prologue:
Darkness was everywhere. The air teemed with it, and all was not well in the night. The weight of the darkness penetrated all in its grasp. And the world was without Hope.

Suddenly, in the night, a Light flickered. On, then off, then on again. Its power driving back the void of the Darkness, making it writhe in anguish and anger. The Darkness was now afraid. It was certain that no other Hope still thrived, but there, in the midst of its thrall, a Light was born.

Something had to be done to prevent the rise of the Light. Calculating, the Darkness searched for the origin of its most feared foe, but was thwarted in its aims. Someone—or something—powerful was shielding the Light source. It must be found, and destroyed before it could come to power and disperse the Darkness.

This idea was different, but very good. I quite liked it

#



In a small village in the mountains of an inconsequential country, a baby cried for the first time. The mother was tired from the long labor, and the midwife was not certain she would survive the night. After cleaning up the child, she carefully laid the baby in its mother’s arms and said, “What will you name the babe? It is a girl.”

The midwife wiped the mother's sweat-drenched face with a cool cloth, and then returned her attention to the woman who had wandered into town, only to give birth to her child. She did not look as if she would make it past the child's first hour of life. Birthing the babe had taken her strength and many hours of pain, and the midwife had never seen someone so determined to have a child. The young woman had not cried out once in pain, when the midwife knew she had to have been in excruciating agony. She was either very brave, or too strong to give in to the need to cry out. Her strength was gone, however.

The mother slowly opened her eyes, and in the pale candlelight looked at her infant lying asleep in her weak arms and replied in a fair voice that seemed out of place in the rough country surrounding and including the small village, “I will call her Ailia. For she will be the Light in the time of our Darkness.” That proclamation was the last of her words, for no sooner had she spoken, than she fell into the final sleep.

I found that part in blue quite tedious to read. There weren't many breaks, so perhaps a couple of commas in there would be good.

Sadness filled the heart of the midwife, for now she had to find a home for the orphan. “Poor child. To be born under such a horrible omen, tsk-tsk, at least you have a promising birthright. Little Ailia. Come with me and I shall find a place for you,” she said as she lifted the golden-hued child from her mother’s dead embrace.

The night was silent outside the tiny house where the girl was born, but it seemed as if the night had lost its sway over the air. Instead of fear of the Darkness, Hope filled the countryside, and the villagers all had good dreams for the first time in forever. Far away, something screamed in desperation.




Chapter 1: Seventeen Years Later


“Ow!” cursed a young woman of about seventeen. The cause of her pain was an old man with dark brown eyes staring down at her, holding a long staff as he stood near her now indignant self. She muttered something under her breath about knowing where he lived and slept before she tried to stand again.

He waited patiently for her to get up before saying, “Well, if you had been paying attention in your lessons instead of daydreaming, you might have been aware that I was attacking you. Maybe.”

Rolling her eyes, she grunted a noncommittal reply and pulled herself up off of the sparring sand, dusting the grit off of her worn clothes. She had been laid flat on her back from a blow directed by the old man’s staff. “Jeb, if you weren’t such a crotchety old man, determined to bruise me from head to toe, I wouldn’t have to watch my back all of the time.” Her glaring eyes accused him of being too tough with a gentleness most people would have missed. But for Jeb, it was like she had just told him she loved him.

Finally allowing himself to smile, Jeb laughed. “Ah, you know me too well, Ailia! But how will I teach you anything if you aren’t prepared for a duel at any moment?”

Ailia tried to glare, but at the old man’s laugh she broke down and started laughing as well. Her laugh sounded like the tinkling of wind chimes on a sunny day. The sound determined to make everyone in hearing distance smile and laugh as well. As she enjoyed the moment of release, Jeb looked at her.

He saw a beautiful girl with eyes that changed color in the sunlight. They began a startling blue, quickly changing to bright emerald green, and then surprisingly, the color of liquid gold. Her eyes were like the sun that shines on the mountains of their home, reflecting the grass and streams. Her hair hung to the middle of her back, shimmering the color of a tawny lioness’s hide. It rippled with the light.

I really liked this bit. I had both an image of her, and the mountainous region. XD

Oh, how she had cried when the other village children had wanted to cut a piece of her hair because they thought it was actual gold. They had chased her home, and Jeb had had an upset eight-year-old girl on his hands and a lesson to teach to the other children. They had not bothered Ailia's hair since that day, and she had all but forgotten about the incident to Jeb's knowledge.

Barely five feet eight inches, her size belying her strength, she was a sight to behold, and Jeb knew it was only a matter of time before her destiny came calling. He would do everything in his power and knowledge to prepare her. If she would only pay attention instead of having waking dreams on the sparring field. What he wouldn't give to know what she dreamed about at those times when he had to be the one to wake her back into reality.

“Why the serious face?” She cried jokingly, coming up from her romp in delight. “So happy one moment, then so tense the next. You know, Jeb, worrying doesn’t make the world spin slower.” She fell back into a fit of giggles. She didn't laugh often enough for his satisfaction. Sometimes he wondered if she was even human, because she would fall into trances of silence for hours, just sitting in the sun. But he tried not to think those thoughts too often. She was his daughter, adopted or not, and he loved her all the same. She was all he had left.

Sighing, Jeb turned back to his adopted daughter and student, and began to instruct her in the proper way to defend oneself against an assailant with a quarter staff. The sound of wood striking wood, and sometimes of flesh, filled the day, and the sun shone brightly upon the place where Ailia stood: Upon the daughter of the Light.

Very good so far. Your descriptions were very good and you have a refreshing style of story telling. You also conveys the passing of time well and the idea of light and darkness gives the story a good undertone that keeps the reader's attention fixed. Definately following this story closely.