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A shot of Arrogance (Chapter Three)



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Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:39 am
Sins says...



A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter Three

The official page thingy for A Shot of Arrogance. Join and you get a monkey. :smt001


“Ollie?” Ella spoke softly as she gently shook Oliver’s arm. “Ollie, can you hear me, darling?”
Oh God... this was all my fault. I should have noticed Oliver acting weird. Why didn't I let him eat or drink anything decent? What if there was something seriously wrong? Why did I have to act so blooming selfishly?
Both Richard and I were staring anxiously at the scene before us. My father, on the other hand, just looked annoyed. As Ella continued trying to wake Oliver up, my father was pacing back and forth, constantly glancing at his silver watch.
“It’s nearly three o’ clock, Mr. Brooks has to leave soon,” he muttered, turning to Ella. “Can’t you just take the boy into another room or something?”
I couldn’t help but notice a glint of annoyance in Ella’s eyes as she turned to my father. That was something I loved about Ella; she often gave people dirty looks, yet they’d never be any the wiser.
Without replying to my father, Ella turned back to Oliver and carried on with her attempt to wake him up. The second he started stirring, I felt a wave of relief run through my body.
“It's about time!” my father said loudly.
Ella wasn’t the only one who was pissed off with him now. I should have been used to this behaviour because that was just the way my father behaved. I was aware that I was arrogant, but I was nowhere near as arrogant as my father.
After a few more stirs and some eye flickers, Oliver awkwardly lifted himself up so that his back was leaning against the coffee table in the middle of my living room. My father had began tapping his foot and sighing impatiently.
“Bloomin’ hell,” Oliver moaned, leaning his head back against the coffee table. “And I thought a hangover was bad.”
Trust him to have said something as stupid as that after being unconscious for five minutes.
As though Oliver was her own child, Ella began fussing over him, asking a load of questions. She asked him if he still felt dizzy, when the last time he ate was, if his head was hurting, and she must have asked him if he could hear her okay about seven times.
“Ella, I’m fine! Honestly,” Oliver laughed, slowly pulling himself onto his feet.
I could tell that he was still a bit dizzy because it took him ages to actually stand up, and when he did eventually do so, he almost fell back down again.
When Oliver did manage to stand up straight, my father was the first to say something. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t an are you okay, or a do you want me to get you anything?
“There we go, the boy’s fine,” he said, “now that he is fine, I’m sure he won’t mind getting something to eat for Mr. Brooks." He turned to Richard. “You must be starving,”
“Well, I would if my hand wasn’t bleeding...” Oliver chuckled to himself. “I don’t think Richa- Mr. Brooks would appreciate blood on his beans and toast.”
Beans on toast...? Seriously?
“I don’t want anything anyway, thank you. I have to leave now; I have to go to a family dinner this evening, so I need to get ready,” Richard said politely.
My father shot a scathing look in Oliver's direction, who was rubbing his head gently with his undamaged hand.
“Well... I better be off then,” Richard smiled, heading toward the door. “I suppose we’ll speak soon.” He sounded hopeful.
“Um, yeah,” I replied, trying to sound casual.
With a small grin, Richard opened the living room door and left the room. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and then close. Well, that was certainly an eventful morning.

*****


There was this strange feeling at the pit of my stomach, something I’d never really felt before. It wasn’t a nice feeling and it made me question my previous actions. For the first time since I could remember, I felt guilty. I knew that it was stupid, I knew that I didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. Maybe I had been a bit harsh on Oliver within the past few days, but come on, he was hardly pleasant to be around. Then again, I didn’t treat him as well as I could have...
I was being stupid now. I hadn’t done anything wrong, not really. Laughing to myself for being so silly, I leaned back on my sofa and closed my eyes as I swept my fringe off of my face.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I heard Oliver’s voice beside me.
His voice still sounded slightly strained, even though he’d passed out quite a while ago now. He was leaving an hour or so early because of what had happened today. Ella hadn’t actually told me why he’d passed out; I didn't like it. Oliver wasn’t so eager to let me now either. That didn’t really bother me that much. What did bother me was Ella.
It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t tell me why Oliver had passed out, but the fact that she’d purposely not told me. There was something weird about the way she treated Oliver; it was so different to the way everyone else here treated him. Everyone else here was irritated by him just as much as I was and thought that he was the most annoying teenager they'd ever met. For some bizarre reason, Ella seemed to like him. I knew that she was friends with his mother, who I was very compelled to meet after experiencing the way Oliver behaved, but I didn’t understand why that meant Ella had to treat him like her child or something.
As my mind began to ponder, I only confused myself more. What were my parents thinking when they hired Oliver? I'd figured out that they'd probably hired a teenager due to lack of money. That was my theory. They wouldn't have had to pay him as much considering he was only eighteen years old. Another thing that confused me was Ella's relationship with Oliver. She was such an amazing person, one who was never able to get on my wrong side. Why would she even somewhat like Oliver?
“Hey, aren’t you going to Reading or something in a few weeks?” I suddenly heard Oliver’s voice once more. “Or are you not going anymore?”
Opening my eyes, I processed the word Reading. Another stupid attempt of my father to show others that we weren't becoming bankrupt. It was also another idiotic way of losing even more of our much needed money.
I saw Oliver stand up and take his jacket from the other end of the sofa. It was just us two in the room now; my mother and father were discussing something in the kitchen. Most likely my future, knowing them.
Richard had left an hour ago by now, but I kept on thinking of him. I could easily see myself being with Richard. The thought of marrying him seemed a little too far-fetched right now, but I had plenty of time to get to know him better.
“Hello...?” Oliver’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “Is that a yes, Ollie, I am going to Reading or a no, I’m not, now piss off?”
“Yes, I am.” I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re coming with me though, you do realise that? Just because I get a holiday for two days, it doesn’t mean you do.”
Oliver clearly wasn’t happy with that because once I’d finished my sentence, his face dropped and he stared at me, raising his eyebrows.
What did he expect? I had to go to Reading for some kind of family get together. My father had foolishly agreed to pay, unsurprisingly. Not even my family knew the full extent of our problems. They assumed I was getting married to obtain the family's estate instead of Joseph. There was a hell of a lot more to it than that.
By family, I meant me, my mother, my father and my two grandparents. It was hardly the party of the decade. Oliver needed to make up for his insolent behaviour within the past few days. This could have been the perfect chance for him.
“No,” Oliver said, shaking his head. “I ain’t going.”
“I think that’s up to me,” I replied, offended. “If you don’t go, don’t expect a job when I get back. Besides, it's almost three weeks away. You can't have made many plans already.”
“I can’t go, Tori. I’ve got more important things to than spend my time making you celery sticks or whatever that orange stuff is that you eat.”
If someone would have once told me that I would one day meet someone who didn’t know the difference between celery and carrots, I wouldn’t have believed them. Oliver was clearly an exception. Why he thought celery was orange, I had no idea.
More important things to do? What important things could he possibly have to do? Go out and get drunk with all of his loud mouthed mates. That is if he had any friends. He was hardly rolling in money; I doubt he could do all that much, to be honest.
“What could you possibly be doing over the weekend besides drinking, smoking and taking drugs, or whatever you kind of people do?”
“Tori, I ain’t from another species, you know. I don’t smoke or take drugs either, by the way. What I get up to in my spare time has nothing to do with you. All of you rich chicks are the same; you think that you know everything when you obviously don’t have a clue.”
“Look, if you don’t turn up, don’t expect to keep your job.”
Cursing under his breath, Oliver glared at me. “Just don’t expect me to be happy about it,” he mumbled.
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to talk to me that much anyway. My parents are going to ask Richard if he would like to join us.” I smiled. "You're just there to keep an eye on me, really, even though I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. My parents clearly think otherwise.”
I couldn’t help but notice Oliver’s lips curve upwards slightly in amusement. I gave him a strange look and he winked back at me which made me cross my arms.
With me still glaring at him, Oliver slipped his arms into his jacket, struggling slightly as he tried to get his bandaged hand through the left sleeve. Straightening the jacket out, he turned to me once more.
“That guy’s dodgy.” He laughed, heading for the door.
“What?” I didn’t even try to hide the offense in my voice. “He’s lovely, kind and handsome. Perfect.”
Oliver laughed as I swooned over the man I’d met a few hours ago. How could he say that about a man like Richard, especially when Oliver himself behaved the way he did?
“Exactly.” Oliver winked at me, reaching for the door handle. “Perfect don’t exist, Tori. When someone comes across as perfect, it ain’t good. The worst ones always seem perfect at first and then, when you realise who they really are, bam! You’re stuck with them. I know his type, Tori.”
Still glaring at him hard, he opened the door and seconds later, he was gone.
I was extremely annoyed now. How could he even say something like that about Richard? Fair enough, perfection was a hard thing to find, but Richard certainly came close to it. What Oliver said was stupid. What did he know?
Last edited by Sins on Tue Sep 28, 2010 3:25 pm, edited 13 times in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:46 pm
Apple says...



As promised (and because I'm your Love Child :lol: ), I'm here to do a review for you!

I. Grammar and Spelling Corrections

Come one though, you seriously overreacted.


I think you didn't intend the 'e' to be placed into the sentence. It just muddles it up and makes it sound disconcerted (what ever that means). If you did intend it to be there, I wouldn't recommend it but, hey, it's up to you.

father's


When you say/type : father's, you're meaning a personal possession of his. Here let me explain, by placing an apostrophe before the 's', you are implying the person or objects possession eg. "Father's watch." When you don't place an apostrophe it means plural. eg. Fathers.

“Victoria!” my father shouted as I walked into the living room.


“Who are you?” my father asked, rather rudely.


“Okay, look, I’m sorry!” he stood back up.


Well, I'm not that good at language/speech talk...punctuation but I'll still give this a shot. What I always thought was that the only time you have a capital letter after the speech is when there is a full-stop in place before the end colon. eg. "Mary said; I rule." Sally remarked. The other punctuation marks are always accompanied by a smaller letter. eg. "Cat's bowl!" he said.

II: Chapter Plot

Interesting I must say. Especially when the Father didn't know about Oliver. That's what really made this chapter a real interest to me. I think I have reviewed one chapter and found it great and as I fell about this. No other real action happened, and I kind of think that was needed. That's why this was kind of lacking something, but hey; I'm an adventure/adrenaline junkie so...I say that about everything that hasn't got adventure or fighting in every paragraph.

What I found slightly weird was the names. Richard Oliver and Oliver Poynter. Two different people with the same first name which is also the other guys last name? I've never really seen that before, but if that is supposed to like that and I'm jumping the bullet then that's okay. The father gives a real nice touch to this; with his rough and angry side. To me, that really spices up the story, which I think all great stories need.

Suggestions for plot; nothing really. This is a really good story so far, I would say add more fighting, but then...it won't fit. See, even in the most soppiest of books I find a way to add fighting, and I never read soppy books. So, just ignore me!

III: Overall

You have a really good writing style, I must say. The way you express things is really visual and I can imagine what you're saying. I know this is in first person, but one thing I found was that you used a lot of 'I'. Especially in the first paragraph. That threw me off a little and I suggest that you somehow minimise your use. I don't think you can really do that, but for some reason when I started reading I was bombarded by all these 'I'. I don't really have much else to say. This is a really good story and I can see it going place.

~Apple's Fantastic Review Emporium
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Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:52 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hiya Skins. So, I quite enjoyed this. I don't really have many nitpicks, so I'll just give you my overall review.

I think this is turning into an interesting story. I didn't read that first two chapters, but I don't think I needed tem to understand this. It's becoming increasingly rare where you dislike the main character of a story- thst was what you were goin for, right? Because I automatically dislike Tori. She's snobby, perfect, and rude. Sure, she has some good qualities about her- wit, a disdain for the rules- but I don't like her.

Oliver is also interesting. He starts off as just an annoying pest, but it becomes clear that he has some serious problems.I can't wait for his character to develop further.

As of now, Richard is a flat character. He's handsome, rich, smart,kind... nothing exiting. He has shown no personality. If he's just a side character who'll never be seen after this chapter or the next one or two, that's fine. But if you plan to make him a main character or an important one, you need to develop him more. Some with Tori's dad. He's just your typical harsh rich businessman. So far, nothing else.

You storyline is becoming very interesting. As it's early on, I won't make any suggestions. Keep doing what you're doing, and this could shape up to be very good!

-Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:52 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hiya Skins. So, I quite enjoyed this. I don't really have many nitpicks, so I'll just give you my overall review.

I think this is turning into an interesting story. I didn't read that first two chapters, but I don't think I needed tem to understand this. It's becoming increasingly rare where you dislike the main character of a story- thst was what you were goin for, right? Because I automatically dislike Tori. She's snobby, perfect, and rude. Sure, she has some good qualities about her- wit, a disdain for the rules- but I don't like her.

Oliver is also interesting. He starts off as just an annoying pest, but it becomes clear that he has some serious problems.I can't wait for his character to develop further.

As of now, Richard is a flat character. He's handsome, rich, smart,kind... nothing exiting. He has shown no personality. If he's just a side character who'll never be seen after this chapter or the next one or two, that's fine. But if you plan to make him a main character or an important one, you need to develop him more. Some with Tori's dad. He's just your typical harsh rich businessman. So far, nothing else.

You storyline is becoming very interesting. As it's early on, I won't make any suggestions. Keep doing what you're doing, and this could shape up to be very good!

-Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:54 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hiya Skins. So, I quite enjoyed this. I don't really have many nitpicks, so I'll just give you my overall review.

I think this is turning into an interesting story. I didn't read that first two chapters, but I don't think I needed tem to understand this. It's becoming increasingly rare where you dislike the main character of a story- thst was what you were goin for, right? Because I automatically dislike Tori. She's snobby, perfect, and rude. Sure, she has some good qualities about her- wit, a disdain for the rules- but I don't like her.

Oliver is also interesting. He starts off as just an annoying pest, but it becomes clear that he has some serious problems.I can't wait for his character to develop further.

As of now, Richard is a flat character. He's handsome, rich, smart,kind... nothing exiting. He has shown no personality. If he's just a side character who'll never be seen after this chapter or the next one or two, that's fine. But if you plan to make him a main character or an important one, you need to develop him more. Some with Tori's dad. He's just your typical harsh rich businessman. So far, nothing else.

You storyline is becoming very interesting. As it's early on, I won't make any suggestions. Keep doing what you're doing, and this could shape up to be very good!

-Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:07 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey there Skins. It seems like Dreamy has posted her review thrice. 8)

The sky was a pale blue colour, without a cloud in sight, allowing the sun to burn confidently onto the world.
The imagery of sun burning confidently was well used. Shubhi likes it! :D

I stood up and removed the soft pink towel from around my waist, revealing my newly bought polka dot bikini.
I know that you have told that before this you have never worked on a girl's POV. But usually in situations like these, girls usually tell a hell lot detail about their costumes, and specially a glamourous thing like bikini.

“What am I doing? Are you serious? What are you doing, more like!” I stopped dialling on my phone and looked up at him, “I’m calling my father to have you arrested, that’s what I’m doing!”


Oliver began laughing as he lay laid down on the deck chair beside me


Completely forgetting about my calling my father, I threw my phone onto the deck chair.
What about changing the red word to 'me'? This way you can prevent repetition of the word 'my'. :D

Was my father drunk when he gave Oliver his job or something?
I am just considering that 'his' is a just a typo here you have committed. If not so, then the sentence with 'his' seems like you're talking about the girl'd father's job.

Lord knows what that did to her mental health.
LOL. Shubhi wondering the same thing.

“Do you have ADHD or something?”
This might just be me, but what exactly do you mean by ADHD?

I closed my eyes for a few seconds and groaned.
Typo! You are becoming me,seriously. :wink:

“Victoria!” My father shouted as I walked into the living room.
I just want to say when you are adding something other than said, bellowed or anything like that after a dialog, then you should be putting a full-stop(here you don't need it), and then start on with capital letter.

.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are that I haven’t sacked you yet? If I were my father, you would have been out of this door within five minutes of you arriving.”
here you would be using were(I already did so), because of the very fact that you're thinking/saying of something that isn't possible now. Like: I wish I were a lady. Do you get my point here?


Very intriguing and well-written, Skins. At first I though this would be like any other romantic fiction where there's a hot rich chick, and a miserable irritating boy, they have their usual fights and finally fall in love. Though I still ahve this impression a bit, but the writing style of yours and the amount of sarcasm and the right tone of the MC you put in makes this fun to read even when the story isn't that great. I totally love Tori's character-arrogant, rich, not interested in marriage, and awfully snob. But what can one do when they have an irritating assistant as Ollie. I literally feel like slapping him, but the misery is that he isn't real. :(

The fact that you wrote this at two in morning did show as there were some typos(not much, though), some tenses confusion and some odd phrases, etc. But that's totally fine, but from next time I would suggest you to proofread it as much as you can.

Seconds later, he’d left the room, leaving Richard, Oliver and I me on our own.
1) Tom, please make sure you keep Joe and I (me) informed.

The proper English is 'me', because it's the object, along with Joe, of the verb 'keep (informed)'.

2) It is obvious that he trusts you more than I (me).

If you mean he trusts you more than he trusts me, again, 'me' is the correct form, because, along with you, it's the object of the verb 'trust'. With the 'I', the sentence could be read as: It is obvious that he trusts you more than I trust you.

There's a tendency for people to use 'I' when they should use 'me' when there's a double object like Joe and me, you and me, above. It's usually explained as 'hypercorrection': people know they often use 'me' when they should use 'I' (for example, "It's me", which, technically, should be "It's I" - very stilted!) so they respond by using 'I' in places that they shouldn't.
I hope this makes it clear! :)
If you want something more to get this confusion clear then refer to this site. After all this, I hope that your confusion goes away, and you do not commit such a blunder again.

Other thing that bugged me off was that I felt quite weird that Oliver was there the whole time when Victoria and Richard were supposed to talk to themselves. I know that without his appearance in there the ridiculous behaviour of Ollie wouldn't have embarrassed Tori that much, but you could have adjusted him somewhere like in the beginning of the meeting and in the end. While the time in between could have been left to Richard and Victoria only as they really need to talk in private if they want to get married.

This would be my only comment uptil now and I must say that the MC's voice and tone both are very strong and probably the best thing in here that makes me want to read it again and again. You have totally beaten the Writer's Block.


Good bye till the next time I come for reviewing or ask you to,:)
~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:15 pm
Valentine says...



Hey, it's your bloody Valentine, here for a review. I am actually really mad because I got really far into this review, and then somebody clicked out of it when I had left for a second. Aarg! Anyway, I'll try to remember everything I said in my first attempt. Okay, first off, you were right about there being typos, but I am not going to go through and point them all out, I would just tell you to read your writing out loud, which really helps and should take care of most of those. If that doesn't work, well, you screwed...ha. So, let me break your chapter into three parts. One: Characters----Two: Plot----Three: Writing Style. Okay, let's roll.

Characters:

Oliver: this guy was sooooo annoying. I found myself wanting to skip past all of ADHD tirades. This is either a really good or bad thing. I assume that this is Oliver's personality, meaning that you tried it, which means that you are doing something right in that department. Okay,so Oliver is looking good for now.

Victoria: Victoria is mega rich, from the story in this chapter. Not to be stereotypical, but rich people tend to think they are better than, say, a servant like Oliver. The one time it was good when she like waited for Oliver to open the door for her, but more of that stuff would be even better. But there is the side that you don't want her to be a totally stuck-up snobby jerk, which is understandable. But, it would leave room for her to improve/become more likable throughout the story, which makes the reader even more attached to her, unlike if she was likable in the beginning.

Richard: this guy is boring, as he probably should be. He has just been introduced, and his general importance to the main plot line may not be that important. Some people were like telling you to develop him more, but really, the first meeting of some one usually never reveals much of their personality.

Plot:

Okay, first off, I'm not much of a romance guy, well at least not realistic fiction one like this seems to be but I'll try to look at it in a person's view who does like this kind of stuff. Okay, here is what I predict will happen from reading one chapter, okay? This could be entirely wrong (hopefully, that's a good thing) and I' m not trying to be cocky or anything. My guess is that the girl will keep on trying to find somebody to marry, and Oliver will become a closer and closer friend to her, until she realizes that she likes him, and will marry him. Hopefully this is wrong, because it is utterly predictable. If your plot is different, than maybe it will be great, it is just hard to tell in one chapter.

Writing style:

This seemed steadily good. Nothing really stood out to me such as any descriptions and such. But your story telling did flow enough that even though the plot didn't entirely appeal to me, I didn't get bored enough to stop. Something that I did see needed work, was the dialogue. Sometimes is passed, but there were other times when I was like "Would somebody actually say that?" So, try acting it out or something, and try to make it more realistic, but still in character.

Well, I think that concludes my review. Please realize that this is all my opinion, and nothing needs to be done of what I say. If you have any question, just PM me or whatever the heck people do on this site these days, and I'll try not to be a jerk and ignore you. Kk, nice job. have a nice day!

My Bloody Valentine Reviews
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Tue Sep 14, 2010 8:56 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers, continuing to review your novel, as requested.

I think you should put your author's notes at the end, or in a spoiler, as it detracts from the overall story - I don't want to read that you wrote this at 2am in the morning. And by the time someone does read this, you'd have had time to edit to perfection.

I'm going to stop doing blow-by-blow reviews at this point, as I still have plenty of chapters to get through and these later chapters aren't filled with as many grammatical errors as the first one, which really shows how quickly you progressed in terms of writing quality. But here are my thoughts:

Victoria is an absolute bitch. Like, if you were aiming to create a character that the reader hates, you easily did so with her. She's obnoxious, vain, spoilt and regarding her treatment of Oliver, absolutely idiotic. No one would begrudge a person a drink of water. That's inhumane. If this was set in past, when servants were below their owners in terms of status, then perhaps her behaviour could be excused. But today? If she was actually caught doing this by the authorities of Work Place Health and Safety, she would suffer severe fines for denying a human being a drink of water or food, which is denying them their Human Rights. I hope that her current suitor finds her actions despicable and doesn't want to marry such a brat.

Oliver is a complete moron. He's my favourite character so far, but he has no redeeming qualities. He's stupid (a retarded learning rate, for sure) and his behaviour in this chapter - where he pushes Victoria into the water (which is insolence) and then decides to obey her and not eat anything (which is an absolute contradiction to his attitude beforehand) - is questionable. I almost wish that this story was written from his point of view. I'm far more interested in Oliver's background and his thoughts and feelings than Victoria's, because she's a cow.

I still find the idea of an arranged marriage ridiculous. While it's true that the legal age of marriage is 16 in England, the idea that a child is marrying for money is simply barbaric. What does the suitor think? "Mmm, I'm 21 and I'm going to marry a child of 16, delicious. There's only a five year difference, just because I could have been her baby sitter when she was three doesn't mean anything. I wish I could have had her when I was in year 12, at that point she would have been in year 7, right as she started to become womanly. Mmmmm."

Overall, I don't mind reading this story because it is extremely well written, and you've obviously taken a good amount of time to figure out how everything is going to be laid out. Though I'm questioning how many eligible suitors there are out there, really. And I would like to know why Victoria's family is in such a state of monetary problems. They could simply sell their home for example.

Aha! I knew something else had been bugging me. If they were in such a state of financial crisis, why on earth would they hire another person? They should be firing people to make ends meet. On to the next chapter.

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers! One for all, and all for one.
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Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:27 am
Light_Devil! says...



Heyo, you know me and my Musketeer job by now I hope and well, there's nothing more to say than getting on with the review.

I find myself completely agreeing with everything Seemingly has said. Pointless to say, I know, but I do owe you a review for which you requested and thus I find myself here.

I like Oliver. Though his attitude is topsy-turvy I find that a enticing point about him. At this point in the story, I believe I can already tell the ending - which isn't a good thing by the way.

Victoria can go to hell. She's possibly one of the most awful characters I have ever run into, including villains. Though if your purpose was to make her like this and make the reader's hate her, good on you!

As far as the plot is concerned, your still not really getting anywhere and things seems to be stuck on slow mo. It may just me, but I think that this entire story is a bit cliche. However, your writing is well done. Anyway, onto the next chapter.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

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"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.
  





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Mon Sep 20, 2010 8:58 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Skins!
Alright, so I started this review yesterday but got caught up in a couple other reviews that needed some last minute critiques. Thus, I just saved this and now, I've come back to finish it. :)
So much for the everyday thing, huh? Haha

yet they’d never be any the wiser.

This sentence sounded weird to me for some reason. I think it's the 'the wiser' part that reads awkwardly.
“Bloomin’ hell,” Oliver moaned, leaning his head back against the coffee table. “and I thought a hangover was bad.”

You missed a capitalization here.
“I don’t want anything anyway, thank you. I have to leave now; I have to go to a family dinner this evening, so I need to get ready.” Richard said politely.

So I actually noticed do you this quite often. You abruptly end the quote with a period and then add 'he said/she said'. You should put a comma and combine it. Since the word is explaining what has been said. Um, not too sure how to describe it correctly but it's like:
"Hey, stay away from my beans," he said impolitely.
or
"Come here, right now," he ordered.
“Um, yeah.” I replied, trying to sound casual.

Same thing here, It's like adding the period makes it an unnecessary stop.
“I can’t go, Tori. I’ve got more important things to than spend my time making you celery sticks or whatever that orange stuff is that you eat.”

I'm seriously wondering what's up with the dude health, XD
But he's cute, nonetheless :3

~~~


Overall


So, now we've entered the third chapter of this novel and I'm still wondering why the family is in a crisis. Although, unfortunately I must agree to what Jai had mentioned before. Although, I don't find Victoria as much as a cow as she had, lol. I must say, she's extremely rude, arrogant and spoiled. Now, with that said, it's still confusing to me why she's following her father's words. If I had that attitude, I would be making a complete fuss, I wouldn't even be trying to make myself presentable and I would freaking hate my parents for wanting to sell me out. But, for some reason, she doesn't seem to hate her dad that much and it's odd because there are parts where her personality doesn't match much. Also, I agree that the suitor is way too old. I mean, maybe you should've had him be a little younger, nineteen seems good. I mean, 16 is just so tiny :( Or make her seventeen? I don't know.

As for the plot so far, it's good, slightly unrealistic but I have a problem with realism too so, eh. Plus, most Romance is, right? Check out Romeo and Juliet, seriously? I thought that it was good story, lame and unrealistic though. Anyways, with Oliver, I really like his character, I like the somewhat witty things he says but his intelligence level makes it impossible for me to picture Victoria and him together. I mean, you'll have to pull off a big one for us to see him together because logically, she's smart and he looks like a...dog? LOL I still find him to be a sweet charter, funny and humorous and I'm interested in him a lot more than I am with Victoria.

I'm still finding some weird comma placements with your quotes but it's not a big deal. I just find the flow of it can be a bit choppy but your writing is done very well. In fact, I wish I could have written this well back when I was fourteen...*sigh*
Overall, I still found this chapter interesting, not much too it besides Oliver waking up and some events but you've still managed to keep our attention with the nicely worded sentences and the amazing dialog from Oliver. I seriously love everything that comes out of his mouth, it never fails to make me laugh. :D
That's about it! I'll have the next chapter done as soon as I can :)

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:04 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Wow, this chapter is ....Well, reviewers were quite adament about their feelings. Haha.

I'm also wondering where you are going with this. I think it was weird that although Richard was the first to get to Ollie in the last chapter, hurrying to check up on him, he kept a good distance from him here.

Was it Jai who said that she hoped RIchard would decide not to marry the cow? Well, I don't completely agree. Maybe he was raised to treat people like that also. Although, the fact that he runs to Ollie belies that. And Vic isn't that much of a cow, she seems to care deeply for Ella. Your characters are quite contradictory, like Jai mentioned before. Ollie, Richard and Vic act one way, then another.

I still think that she should run from it all. After all, she can't be forced, she says. She moans and groans but does nothing about it. Maybe she could secretely start selling stuff off. Maybe...Oh, I don't know. Just don't make her into a passive character. Make sure to define them all well.

Ollie doesn't bother me at all. I can't figure him out yet, but I'd love to see a little more depth to him.

Hope this was helpful, on to the next!
Tanya :D
  





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Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:53 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Skinnykins!

Here to review your third chapter.

Nitpicks, comments and errors in RED.

“Ollie?” Ella spoke softly as she gently shook Oliver’s arm. “Ollie, can you hear me, darling?”


First and foremost, you've got to slow down when it comes to your adverbs. Don't always depend on adverbs, rather, show us. As said by Kara," A good rule of thumb- one adverb every two pages is about right."

constantly glancing at the silver watch that was wrapped around his wrist.


Maybe this is just me but I think it's unnecessary for you to say "that was wrapped around his wrist". Clearly speaking, watches are worn around our wrist, so why would you even bother tell that? O_o

“It’s nearly three o’ clock, Mr. Brooks has to leave soon.” He muttered, turning to Ella.


Like I've said before that whenever a speech tag follows after a dialog, place a comma before the quotes, not a period.

she often gave people dirty looks,


Perhaps you meant to say: "she has often given people...". It's because it would only denote that she's still doing it.

when the last time he ate was,


I think you might want to rephrase that. It's awkward to read when you've swapped words.

I could tell that he was still a bit dizzy because it took him ages to actually stand up, and when he did eventually stand up,


You can just actually erase the second "stand up", since it's understandable that you're still referring to it.

“There we go, the boy’s fine.He said, “Now that he is fine, I’m sure he won’t mind getting something to eat for Mr. Brooks."


Even though the dialog tag is in the middle of quotes, you should always end your fist dialog with a comma and "H" should be in lower-case. That's just a suggestion though. :3

With a small grin, Richard opened the door and left the room. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and then close.


I find this quite confusing and a bit redundant. Richard opens the door and after few seconds later, Victoria hears the door open again? O_o

Oliver wasn’t so eager to let me now either.


"Know"?

“No.” Oliver said, shaking his head. “I ain’t going.”


And again with this, you should place in a comma not a period, my dear.

If someone would have once told me that I would one day meet someone who didn’t know the difference between celery and carrots, I wouldn’t have believed them. Oliver was clearly an exception. Why he thought celery was orange, I had no idea.


Don't worry, this is not an error or something. It's just that I laughed at this part. :D

“Just don’t expect me to be happy about it.” he mumbled.


And a comma on this.

~

So once again, this is a good read. However, as seeing from those errors I've nitpicked about, I could really say that your minor weakness is punctuation. Try to always remember that when you use a speech tag such as "he replied, "he said", you should end your dialog with a comma, not a period, okay? But at any rate, the plot itself is entertaining to read and Oliver is truly surprisingly cute, amusing and all. I'm guessing his parents died or left him when he was still small, probably the reason why Ella is so close to him. That's a slight theory of mine though. Also, I'm starting to like the development of Victoria's personality and thinking towards Oliver. Though she acts mean and thinks negatively at Oliver, I'm assuming that she will someday understand and will probably like him someday. *laughs*

Speaking of grammar, I think it is only how you write your punctuations in a dialog that could sometimes confuse me. So I'm also going to post here Demeter's helpful thread about Punctuations within Dialogue. I'm pretty sure that that will really help you in terms of punctuation. In addition, there are just some slight errors of how you phrase things and of your wordings. But anyways, there's always the good things. Your verb consistency is so good and I like how you write dialogs coming from Oliver and how Victoria reacts to it and also the relationship between them.

Kicking aside those nitpicks, comments and negative opinions of mine, this is really good and fun to read. I'm going to apologize in advance if ever I was being rude or anything. Anyways, this review is entirely based on my opinions. PM me for questions and I hope this helps.

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:44 pm
Jashael says...



Hi, Skins! Here again. =))

Skins wrote:

“Ollie?” Ella spoke softly as she gently shook Oliver’s arm. “Ollie, can you hear me, darling?”
Oh God... this was all my fault. I should have noticed Oliver acting weird. Why didn't I let him eat or drink anything decent? What if there was something seriously wrong? Why did I have to act so blooming selfishly?
Both Richard and I were staring anxiously at the scene before us. My father, on the other hand, just looked annoyed. As Ella continued trying to wake Oliver up, my father was pacing back and forth, constantly glancing at his silver watch.
“It’s nearly three o’ clock, Mr. Brooks has to leave soon,” he muttered, turning to Ella. “Can’t you just take the boy into another room or something?”
I couldn’t help but notice a glint of annoyance in Ella’s eyes as she turned to my father. That was something I loved about Ella; she often gave people dirty looks, yet they’d never be any the wiser.
Without replying to my father, Ella turned back to Oliver and carried on with her attempt to wake him up. The second he started stirring, I felt a wave of relief run through my body.
“It's about time!” my father said loudly.
Ella wasn’t the only one who was pissed off with him now. I should have been used to this behaviour because that was just the way my father behaved. I was aware that I was arrogant, but I was nowhere near as arrogant as my father.
After a few more stirs and some eye flickers, Oliver awkwardly lifted himself up so that his back was leaning against the coffee table in the middle of my living room. My father had began tapping his foot and sighing impatiently.
“Bloomin’ hell,” Oliver moaned, leaning his head back against the coffee table. “And I thought a hangover was bad.”
Trust him to have said something as stupid as that after being unconscious for five minutes.
As though Oliver was her own child, Ella began fussing over him, asking a load of questions. She asked him if he still felt dizzy, when the last time he ate was, if his head was hurting, and she must have asked him if he could hear her okay about seven times.
“Ella, I’m fine! Honestly,” Oliver laughed, slowly pulling himself onto his feet.
I could tell that he was still a bit dizzy because it took him ages to actually stand up, and when he did eventually do so, he almost fell back down again.
When Oliver did manage to stand up straight, my father was the first to say something. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t an are you okay, or a do you want me to get you anything?
“There we go, the boy’s fine,” he said, “now that he is fine, I’m sure he won’t mind getting something to eat for Mr. Brooks." He turned to Richard. “You must be starving,”
“Well, I would if my hand wasn’t bleeding...” Oliver chuckled to himself. “I don’t think Richa- Mr. Brooks would appreciate blood on his beans and toast.”
Beans on toast...? Seriously?
“I don’t want anything anyway, thank you. I have to leave now; I have to go to a family dinner this evening, so I need to get ready,” Richard said politely.
My father shot a scathing look in Oliver's direction, who was rubbing his head gently with his undamaged hand.
“Well... I better be off then.” Richard smiled, heading toward the door. “I suppose we’ll speak soon.” He sounded hopeful.
“Um, yeah,” I replied, trying to sound casual.
With a small grin, Richard opened the living room door and left the room. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and then close. Well, that was certainly an eventful morning.

*****


There was this strange feeling at the pit of my stomach, something I’d never really felt before. It wasn’t a nice feeling and it made me question my previous actions. For the first time since I could remember, I felt guilty. I knew that it was stupid, I knew that I didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. Maybe I had been a bit harsh on Oliver within the past few days, but come on, he was hardly pleasant to be around. Then again, I didn’t treat him as well as I could have...
I was being stupid now. I hadn’t done anything wrong, not really. Laughing to myself for being so silly, I leaned back on my sofa and closed my eyes as I swept my fringe off of my face.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I heard Oliver’s voice beside me.
His voice still sounded slightly strained, even though he’d passed out quite a while ago now. He was leaving an hour or so early because of what had happened today. Ella hadn’t actually told me why he’d passed out; I didn't like it. Oliver wasn’t so eager to let me now either. That didn’t really bother me that much. What did bother me was Ella.
It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t tell me why Oliver had passed out, but the fact that she’d purposely not told me. There was something weird about the way she treated Oliver; it was so different to the way everyone else here treated him. Everyone else here was irritated by him just as much as I was and thought that he was the most annoying teenager they'd ever met. For some bizarre reason, Ella seemed to like him. I knew that she was friends with his mother, who I was very compelled to meet after experiencing the way Oliver behaved, but I didn’t understand why that meant Ella had to treat him like her child or something. Maybe she is her child? hehe.. I'm suck in guessing. =|
As my mind began to ponder, I only confused myself more. What were my parents thinking when they hired Oliver? I'd figured out that they'd probably hired a teenager due to lack of money. That was my theory. They wouldn't have had to pay him as much considering he was only eighteen years old. Another thing that confused me was Ella's relationship with Oliver. She was such an amazing person, one who was never able to get on my wrong side. Why would she even somewhat like Oliver?
“Hey, aren’t you going to Reading or something in a few weeks?” I suddenly heard Oliver’s voice once more. “Or are you not going anymore?”
Opening my eyes, I processed the word ReadingI think that would be better with quotation marks. Another stupid attempt of my father to show others that we weren't becoming bankrupt. It was also another idiotic way of losing even more of our much needed money.
I saw Oliver stand up and take his jacket from the other end of the sofa. It was just us two in the room now; my mother and father were discussing something in the kitchen. Most likely my future, knowing them.
Richard had left an hour ago by now, but I kept on thinking of him. I could easily see myself being with Richard. The thought of marrying him seemed a little too far-fetched right now, but I had plenty of time to get to know him better.
“Hello...?” Oliver’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “Is that a yes, Ollie, I am going to Reading or a no, I’m not, now piss off?”
“Yes, I am.” I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re coming with me though, you do realise that? Just because I get a holiday for two days, it doesn’t mean you do.”
Oliver clearly wasn’t happy with that because once I’d finished my sentence, his face dropped and he stared at me, raising his eyebrows.
What did he expect? I had to go to Reading for some kind of family get together. My father had foolishly agreed to pay, unsurprisingly. Not even my family knew the full extent of our problems. They assumed I was getting married to obtain the family's estate instead of Joseph. There was a hell of a lot more to it than that.
By family, I meant me, my mother, my father and my two grandparents. It was hardly the party of the decade. Oliver needed to make up for his insolent behaviour within the past few days. This could have been the perfect chance for him.
“No,” Oliver said, shaking his head. “I ain’t going.”
“I think that’s up to me,” I replied, offended. “If you don’t go, don’t expect a job when I get back. Besides, it's almost three weeks away. You can't have made many plans already.”
“I can’t go, Tori. I’ve got more important things to do than spend my time making you celery sticks or whatever that orange stuff is that you eat.”
If someone would have once told me that I would one day meet someone who didn’t know the difference between celery and carrots, I wouldn’t have believed them. Oliver was clearly an exception. Why he thought celery was orange, I had no idea.
More important things to do? What important things could he possibly have to do? Go out and get drunk with all of his loud mouthed mates. That is if he had any friends. He was hardly rolling in money; I doubt he could do all that much, to be honest.
“What could you possibly be doing over the weekend besides drinking, smoking and taking drugs, or whatever you kind of people do?”
“Tori, I ain’t from another species, you know. I don’t smoke or take drugs either, by the way. What I get up to in my spare time has nothing to do with you. All of you rich chicks are the same; you think that you know everything when you obviously don’t have a clue.”
“Look, if you don’t turn up, don’t expect to keep your job.”
Cursing under his breath, Oliver glared at me. “Just don’t expect me to be happy about it,” he mumbled.
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to talk to me that much anyway. My parents are going to ask Richard if he would like to join us.” I smiled. "You're just there to keep an eye on me, really, even though I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. My parents clearly think otherwise.”
I couldn’t help but notice Oliver’s lips curve upwards slightly in amusement. I gave him a strange look and he winked back at me which made me cross my arms.
With me still glaring at him, Oliver slipped his arms into his jacket, struggling slightly as he tried to get his bandaged hand through the left sleeve. Straightening the jacket out, he turned to me once more.
“That guy’s dodgy.” He laughed, heading for the door.
“What?” I didn’t even try to hide the offense in my voice. “He’s lovely, kind and handsome. Perfect.”
Oliver laughed as I swooned over the man I’d met a few hours ago. How could he say that about a man like Richard, especially when Oliver himself behaved the way he did?
“Exactly.” Oliver winked at me, reaching for the door handle. “Perfect don’tI don't know if that's just how Ollie speaks, but if not so, that should be "doesn't" exist, Tori. When someone comes across as perfect, it ain’t good. The worst ones always seem perfect at first and then, when you realise who they really are, bam! You’re stuck with them. I know his type, Tori.”
Still glaring at him hard, he opened the door and seconds later, he was gone.
I was extremely annoyed now. How could he even say something like that about Richard? Fair enough, perfection was a hard thing to find, but Richard certainly came close to it. What Oliver said was stupid. What did he know?


That was it?! This chapter seems soooo short. Haha! I'm still hooked by the way. Didn't really get to nitpick. =| Oh well, I'm off to bed. See chapter four tomorrow! xD
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not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


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