Faith (an excerpt)

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For reviewers: Go absolutely nuts nit-picking this. I don't want any grammatical issues (especially tenses) to ruin this. Much appreciated!

I sit on the harsh, concrete floor, allowing my head to rest loosely on the wall. My back is hunched because a man's joints tend to ache and worsen when they hit old age. Even with the animal experiments. That would be right: make me part owl, give me perfect night vision and feathers to keep me warm, but don't repair my damaged spine.

Carrie's head is glued to the cell bars again, and all I can see is her long, shiny, black hair entangled with the iron. She refuses to leave from that area, except during feeding and bedtimes. She seems fascinated with other prisoners. I guess watching them is more interesting then watching me, I think.

I rub my wrinkled nose and collapse into a world of blankness, for what is there to be done? I will spend the rest of my retired life in a laboratory cell with not a flicker of the faintest hope that release might be granted.

I hear cries, I hear shouts and I hear yells. I hear desperation, I hear fury, and I hear depression. Two years in this cell, and that's all I hear.

The blank, grey, concrete walls give no mercy. If you are surrounded by them for as long as I've been, it does havoc on your anxiety, on your insanity.

Well, insanity wasn't my problem, but it was for the other prisoners.

Sometimes, a mad prisoner, most likely empowered by the pain of their latest animal treatment, would scream. He would scream and scream until another crazy prisoner would join in, and another, and the prison walls would echo with the screams of insane prisoners. I would hurry to shield Cherrie's ears, and jerk her head away from the bars and to the dismal excuse for a bed, to guard her from the pain and fury those screams would bring about. Then the sedation gas would kick in from the ventilation, and all those poor prisoners would be instantly knocked out.

Misery and remorse are out of the question. Two years of severe treatments and loneliness does that to me. You express all your anger and emotion until there is nothing left but an empty, pitiless shell of a man. A dying, withered man that will never see a sunset, or a rainbow, or even a cloud before his death. And the worst part is that there will be no tears shed. My wife and children passed away over a decade ago; I outlived my youngest son. In fact, the only person who might feel any amount of emotion over my death would be Cherrie.

"Mr. NAME?" She was kneeling beside the iron bars, peering out. I turned and face her, endeavouring the faintest of smiles. I had to. It was my responsibility to smile, as it was a parent's responsibility to assure a frightened child that there was no scary monster hiding in the closet.

"Cherrie?" I que, and quickly divert my eyes. I cannot bear myself to glance at her dark young face, scared, starved and succumbed by the feline DNA that is fused with her figure. Although she grins sappily, and her cat-like eyes are full of questioning, the internal sadness shown is so apparent that it pierces my old heart.

"I hope Social Time is soon. I wanna' meet a new boy. He came yesterday. He prob' my age. Do you know when social time is?"

"No, I don't." I say. "Without a watch, a sun and a clue what time Social Time begins each day, I cannot tell you when."

"The sun? Why would you need the sun?" Although she was nine, the effects of not getting an education make her painfully ignorant of even the most common of knowledge. I considered it my duty to teach her everything I knew, for I was sure to die, who knows about her? She might be released in the near future. And if that was the case, as I surely wished so, she wouldn't survive in the outside world with no education.

"The sun has come hand-in-hand with time since the period where ancient civilisations existed," I begin. Cherrie pulls a confused face, and I realise my mistake. I'm using too many large words.

"Sorry," I say, "let me try again. A very, very long time ago, before watches were made..."
"-Really? That must've been ages ago!" interrupts Cherrie.

"Would you like me to explain, or not," I ask her, a little impatiently.
"Fine then!" she huffs. "I dun' want to." She rolls her eyes and returns spying on the prisoners. I give up, resolving to try again later once she's in a better mood, and return to my corner.

Funny thing about this concrete corner is that it's not straight, or pointy, or angled. It's more- curved. Like the edges of an eraser. I lift my gaze upwards to the roof, where the walls mould into stone, and become sprinkled in various shades of grey.

The cell isn't particularly high. If I stood up straight, which I can't, it would be only me and a half in height. Which would mean a fair few brawny young men would have difficultly standing up.

A theory of mine is that this whole prison complex is built entirely underground. It's only a guess that takes in other clues I have discovered, like in the mornings, you can smell an earthly sort of scent, and at nights, due to poor ventilation, it becomes extremely chilly.

I retreat my thoughts into the emptiness of my brain. What do these guesses matter, when death is so inevitably apparent? There's no chance of escape, no chance of life, and no point of useless estimates on our location. So I continue to stare at the wall, the cold, concrete wall; an accurate reflection of prison life.
-x-x-x-x-x-

The prison guard follows the patients from behind the pack, leading them from their cells to the Social Hall. In one hand, he carries a taser baton, while the other hand fiddles, twirling the baton. He is careful not to touch the tip of the baton, for it could wreck the equipment, and guess whose pay packet would the money come out of to replace the weapon?

Treatment centre or prison, whatever you call it, it doesn't matter. It is still hell to those who are kept here. The walls are grey stone, and reek like dirt, yet the place is regularly cleaned and sterilized. It was almost as if the smell was coming from the prisoners, not the prison itself. Animals.

He can see the closest patients to him are unlike the normal people kept at the treatment centre, if you could call any patients there normal. There is an old man, hobbling slightly along, looking as if the world pains him, and a young girl, probably of South American descent, with black hair so long it wraps around her ankles.

The guard inspects them closer, and sharply withdraws breath. It was taking him a lifetime to grow accustomed to the creatures these humans were being turned into.

The old man was bird-like. His hair wasn't hair, but feathers: long, grey ones, some spotted, some tipped in charcoal black. The feathers stretch downwards to his neck, and line his sunken face. The place where eyebrows are supposed to sit lays only skin, yet the gaunt stretch of tightened skin underneath makes his expressions clear without the need for them. His lips are narrow and jaunted, similar to a fleshy beak. But above the bizarre mouth lies the most horrifying part of all; the eyes are so dark the pupil is undistinguishable, and they twitch constantly as if they were desperate to leave the eye socket.

Next to the man, murmuring softly, was the girl. She was a feline; the guard was reminded of a jaguar when she talks, revealing sharp, pointed teeth. She has full cheekbones and a big nose, but her eyes resemble cat's: piercing yellow slits. She walks around with an air of grace, as if the prison was but a castle, and she was attending a royal parade. The guard shakes his head softly. How can a little girl hold her dignity in a place such as this? Surely by now the prison must have crushed all her childish hopes and dreams?

He looks away, focusing on another patient, who is clearly suffering. There, the guard thinks, isn't that a perfect replica of what should be a patient? Patients don't bond, and they definitely don't talk with feeling unless it's anger. Patients should be living in anguish, and the guards should be able to tell they're starving and in pain.

At last, the guard can see the hall approaching. Like a heavenly beacon, it so graciously informs him that his shift is over. He hands to baton to a waiting guard, and turns on his heals the other way.
Last edited by Maddy on Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:20 am, edited 3 times in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
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Hey, Maddy!

You said you wanted nitpicking, but I'm not very good at that, so I'll do a little of this, a little of that.

On the harsh, concrete floor I sit, and allow my head to rest loosely on the wall.


When you're writing, try to put your clauses in the right order. This sounds like Yoda speaking. It's a lot simpler to say, "I sit on the harsh, concrete floor, and allow my head to rest loosely on the wall." My general rule of thumb for sentences is: the fewer commas, the better. It's okay to have long sentences, but if you can cut out the commas, you're generally cutting out needless clauses and it's easier to read.

“I hope Social Time is soon. I wanna’ meet a new boy. He came yesterday. He prob’ my age. Do you know when social time is?”


Writing out character dialects is fine--I mean, Mark Twain did it--but it's probably one of those things you're going to want to pull out of the bag when you're a little more comfortable with your grammar/punctuation/that fun stuff. It's just easier to say, "she had a drawl" than write it out. It might feel like a cop out right now, but it will help you out until you get to that point where you can whip out sentences with perfect grammar, no problem. You have to know the rules before you break them, and typing out dialects requires a lot of creative rule-breaking.

I thought that your descriptions of the inmates were really creepy--especially when you talk about the man and his feather head. Good stuff! However, I feel that you leave an important question unanswered--why are all of those people there? The Holocaust didn't happen just because Hitler felt like it: there was a legitimate psychological reason (in the minds of the Nazis, at least) as to why it was okay to stick people in ovens and sew them together. Many alternate universe/sci fi stories have cool/creepy concepts like this, but it's somewhat unsatisfying to read, because we don't understand the social forces at work in this new world that would cause such a hospital to crop up. Explaining why these experiments are in place, and why the scientists chose this particular format, really helps us to understand the world you've plopped us into.


Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to read anything else.




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Hiya, Maddy! Invisible hug to you for requesting a review :D Although Rosalie beat me to it I'll try my best.

Here goes:

Maddy wrote: On the harsh, concrete floor I sit, and allow my head to rest loosely on the wall. [I agree with Rosalie, you definitely need to work on this sentence. Maybe you could find another way of introducing your character's predicament?] My back is hunched because a man’s joints tend to ache and worsen when they hit old age. Even with the animal experiments. That would be right: make me part owl, give me perfect night vision and feathers to keep me warm, but don’t repair my damaged spine.

Carrie’s head is glued to the cell bars again, and all I can see is her long, shiny, black hair entangled with the iron. She refuses to leave from that area, except during feeding and bedtimes. She seems fascinated with other prisoners. I guess watching them is more interesting then watching me, I think.

I rub my wrinkled nose and collapse into a world of blankness, for what is there to be done? I will spend the rest of my retired (short) life in a laboratory cell with not a flicker of the faintest hope that release might be granted.

I hear cries, I hear shouts and I hear yells. I hear desperation, I hear fury, and I hear depression. Two years in this cell, and that’s all I hear.

The blank, grey, concrete walls give no mercy. If you are surround[ed] by them for a very long time [I'm not much of a fan of the term 'very long'. I just think there are so many more interesting ways of saying it, like "if you are surrounded by them for as long as I've been" or "they have shown me no mercy since the day I was first damned to dwell within them..." see how much more interesting the sentence becomes?] they've surrounded me for so long , it does havoc on your anxiety, on your insanity.

Well, insanity wasn’t my problem, but it was for the other prisoners.

Sometimes, a mad prisoner, most likely empowered by the pain of their latest animal treatment, would scream. He would scream and scream until another crazy prisoner would join in, and another, and the prison walls would echo with the screams of insane prisoners [I love the imagery this creates - very creepy]. I would hurry to shield Cherrie’s ears, and [drop the 'I would'] jerk her head away from the bars and to the dismal excuse for a bed, to guard her from the pain and fury those screams would bring about. Then the sedation gas would kick in from the ventilation, and all those poor prisoners would be instantly knocked out.

Misery and remorse are out of the question. Three years of severe treatments and loneliness does that to me. You express all your anger and emotion until there is nothing left but an empty, pitiless shell of a man. A dying, withered man that will never see a sunset, or a rainbow, or even a cloud before his death. And the worst part is that there will be no tears shed. My wife and children passed away over a decade ago; I outlived my youngest son. In fact, the only person who might feel any amount of emotion over my death would be Cherrie.

“Mr. NAME?” She was kneeling beside the iron bars, peering out. I turned and face her, endeavouring the faintest of smiles. I had to. It was my responsibility to smile, as it was a parent’s responsibility to assure a frightened child that there was no scary monster hiding in the closet. [Loved this!]

“Cherrie?” I que, and quickly divert my eyes. I cannot bear myself to glance at her dark young face, scared, starved and succumbed by the feline DNA that is fused with her figure. Although she grins sappily, and her cat-like eyes are full of questioning, the internal sadness shown is so apparent [that] it pierces my old heart.


So, I agree with Rosalie about your description of the inmates - it was really gritty and reminded me of the movie Shutter Island. It takes a skilled writer to be able to project the emotions and intensity which you were able to do so well done on that regard :D !

As far as nit-picking, apart from a couple of points I made earlier there really is not much to say. This was a really solid piece, it was different, gritty and engaging. I'm glad I read it and I'm looking forward to reviewing the rest if you'd like me to.

Hope I've helped!

*coco
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Hey Maddy! Here as requested! :D

Let's get through the nitpicks first:

That would be right: make me part owl, give me perfect night vision and feathers to keep me warm, but don’t repair my damaged spine.

If this is the first time his animal counterpart is introduced, it's a little bit sudden I think. I don't know, maybe I'd just do it differently. Though if it's not the first mention, it's fine.

I will spend the rest of my retired (short) life in a laboratory cell with not a flicker of the faintest hope that release might be granted.

I would leave out the (short). It's a bit weird. Leaving it just as retired also gives a good sense of his age.

Three years of severe treatments and loneliness does that to me.

Earlier you said he had been in the cell for two years. Unless he was subject to these treatments for longer than he was imprisoned, they should be the same number.

“Mr. NAME?” She was kneeling beside the iron bars, peering out.

Mr. NAME? Is this intentional? Or did you just not have a name for him yet? (I do the same thing when I can't think of a name, haha!)

“—Really? That must’ve been ages ago!” interrupts Cassie.

She was Carrie a minute ago ;)

Alright. So I really enjoyed this! You did a very good job of capturing the setting and the emotions of the prisoners. I got a good feel for your characters, which is fantastic for an excerpt. It's such an interesting concept and I'd love to see more of it! If you ever post more, send a messege my way and I'll be glad to review. :)

Good Job and Keep Writing!

-Lauren-
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Thanks for all the reviews! They all mean the world to me.

@Rosalie: There definitely is a reasoning behind these experiments. The reasoning can be sumed up in one word, which is the title, Faith. This will be mentioned throughout the whole novel.

@Coco: Shutter Island? Guessing that's a horror movie, I've never seen it. B) But if the imagery is creppy, it's exactly what I was looking for.

@Lauren: You bought up several points.
My owl character is introduced earlier: This excerpt is the beginning of the 4th chapter. I posted it only to see if the people reviewing it got the right imagery in their heads, which I think I did achieve.

Mr. NAME is because I haven't decided on a name yet. :P

Oops, I put her name as Cassie! XD I did not mean that. Cassie is a common name in my stories. Totally unintentional.
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Aloha! It's Aushy here, with my review, FINALLY.

Sorry it took so long, I've been away. D:

Nitpicks!

“Would you like me to explain, or not,” I ask her, a little impatiently.

Should be: "Would you like me to explain, or not?" I ask her...

The old man was bird-like. His hair wasn’t hair, but feathers: long, grey ones, some spotted, some tipped in charcoal black. The feathers stretched downwards to his neck, and lined his sunken face.

You kinda messed up tenses here.

Next to the man, murmuring softly, was the girl. She was a feline; the guard was reminded of a jaguar when she talked, revealing sharp, pointed teeth. She had full cheekbones and a big nose, but her eyes resemble d cats’: piercing yellow slits. She walked around with an air of grace, as if the prison was but a castle, and she was attending a royal parade. The guard shook his head softly.

Wow, terrible tense changes here. D: But thanks for using correct grammar and doing: cats'. Thank you. :}

He looked away, focusing on another patient, who was clearly suffering.

Remember this for tenses: Past tense can be anywhere from three seconds ago to three hundred years.


This was really good. I did enjoy it a lot. The only thing I didn't like was your tenses mess up at the end, but that can be easily revised.

Very good job! If you ever need another review, come to my shack of reviews, write on my wall, or PM me!

Please keep writing. :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.




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MADDY!!!!
loved the story, it was definetly interesting. It was definetly individual and well thought of. it kept my attention and seemed to be fine with the spelling side of everything. The descriptions are brilliant and it made me love the rest of the story.
Three years of severe treatments and loneliness does that to me.


Just dont make things too sudden and also make sure that everything has the correct data. Because before you have two years in the cell.

Anyways, i love it.
Love Georgie xxXXxx
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)




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Hey there Maddy,

I'm Tanya and I was intrigued by this story.

There was only one thing bothering me; you should reread your story because your female character's name went from Carrie to Cherrie. Haha. Funny, only because you must have changed it when Lauren pointed out it was 'Cassie'.

That being said, this is a great excerpt, one that makes me want to go read the rest, which I will in a minute or two.

You've created an interesting world here, nicely done.

Tanya :D



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