Young Writers Society

I'm sorry for everything I did
I'm sorry for every word I said
I'm sorry for every tear you shed
I'm sorry for not using my head
I'm sorry for being misled
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I'm sorry for being like the flu
Hurting, disturbing and bothering you
I'm sorry for having no clue
I'm sorry nothing from the things i said were true
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry am not smart
I'm sorry I have no heart
I'm sorry let’s have a fresh start
I'm sorry sweetheart

Written by Huthaifa,
By the way English is my not mother tongue so excuse me for my bad English

Hi Huthaifa,

I quite like this poem, however I'd like to make a few suggestions;

'Am sorry for being like the flu,
Hurting, disturbing and bothering you,
Am sorry for having no clue,' - This part is good.

Who the hell were you? - This sentence doesn't quite fit in with the others, maybe you should change it.

Also, throughout the entire poem you wrote 'am', but I think you were suppossed to write 'I'm.' Other than that the poem is sweet and sad, whoever you intended this poem to be for is likely to accept your apology

Keep up the good work.

Hello Huthaifa!

I liked this! There are a couple of pointers here thought that I would like to go through.

English isn't your native language so this is impressive But there was one big error in this.

Am sorry am not smart

All the 'Am's in this should be 'I'm' and then it makes a lot more sense. But seeing as this was consistent I guess you just forgot the exact way to write this

Another point was here:

Am sorry for every tear ... you shed

I don't think you need the elipsis here, it just breaks the rhythm and it would be better without it

Other than these little things I liked it. I thought that the rhyme scheme worked, except for here:

Am sorry for being like the flu

This seems a little forced. Rhyming dictionaries are a great thing to use if you can't find a natural rhyme.

My favourite stanza was the last one, but I did enjoy it all. And I am pleased to say that you have improved a lot from the last poem of yours I read! So well done!

Hope I helped,
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Lydia1995 wrote:Hello Huth!

I liked this! There are a couple of pointers here thought that I would like to go through.

English isn't your native language so this is impressive But there was one big error in this.

Am sorry am not smart

All the 'Am's in this should be 'I'm' and then it makes a lot more sense. But seeing as this was consistent I guess you just forgot the exact way to write this

Another point was here:

Am sorry for every tear ... you shed

I don't think you need the elipsis here, it just breaks the rhythm and it would be better without it

Other than these little things I liked it. I thought that the rhyme scheme worked, except for here:

Am sorry for being like the flu

This seems a little forced. Rhyming dictionaries are a great thing to use if you can't find a natural rhyme.

My favourite stanza was the last one, but I did enjoy it all. And I am pleased to say that you have improved a lot from the last poem of yours I read! So well done!

Hope I helped,
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Thanks Lydia and i will do everything you said
Thanks again

Thats, quite alright

I hope I helped

Lydia1995 wrote:Thats, quite alright

I hope I helped

Yes a lot haha
Try to come and review always ok
Thanks

Hi, Spy! Thanks for your request. Although I don't review poems, I'll make yours an exception, but bare in mind that just as your mother tongue isn't english, my fortay isn't poetry. Anyway, here goes.

spy0h wrote:I'm sorry for everything I did
I'm sorry for every word I said
I'm sorry for every tear you shed
I'm sorry for not using my head
I'm sorry for being misled

[In my opinion the short rhyming needs something a litte extra to really inject emotion into this piece, right now it's very basic in terms of the rhyming words]
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry for being like the flu
Hurting, disturbing and bothering you
I'm sorry for having no clue
I'm sorry nothing from the things i said were true

[The last line confuses me]
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry I am not smart
I'm sorry I have no heart
I'm sorry let’s have a fresh start [This sentence sounds very awkward and spoils the mood of the piece - you seem to be apologising for all these serious things and then suddenly asking for a fresh start]
I'm sorry, sweetheart

So, as I mentioned before, poetry isn't my strong-point, but I did feel that this piece lacked something - maybe a sense of emotion of the narrator and maybe the simplicity of the rhyming - what I feel you could do in order to improve this is try and explore different rhyme schemes and rhyming words to give your poem that extra excitement.

Hope I've helped!

*coco

*coco wrote:Hi, Spy! Thanks for your request. Although I don't review poems, I'll make yours an exception, but bare in mind that just as your mother tongue isn't english, my fortay isn't poetry. Anyway, here goes.

spy0h wrote:I'm sorry for everything I did
I'm sorry for every word I said
I'm sorry for every tear you shed
I'm sorry for not using my head
I'm sorry for being misled

[In my opinion the short rhyming needs something a litte extra to really inject emotion into this piece, right now it's very basic in terms of the rhyming words]
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry for being like the flu
Hurting, disturbing and bothering you
I'm sorry for having no clue
I'm sorry nothing from the things i said were true

[The last line confuses me]
----------------------------------------
I'm sorry I am not smart
I'm sorry I have no heart
I'm sorry let’s have a fresh start [This sentence sounds very awkward and spoils the mood of the piece - you seem to be apologising for all these serious things and then suddenly asking for a fresh start]
I'm sorry, sweetheart

So, as I mentioned before, poetry isn't my strong-point, but I did feel that this piece lacked something - maybe a sense of emotion of the narrator and maybe the simplicity of the rhyming - what I feel you could do in order to improve this is try and explore different rhyme schemes and rhyming words to give your poem that extra excitement.

Hope I've helped!

*coco

Thanks and i know that it needs more strong feelings because for me i write my feelings i will try later.
But thanks ~Huthaifa