Busy rice fields, disturbed water above the ground, birds calling each other and all this is looked at by an orange-ish sun of an early morningThis got the description off to a flying start! But as you're listing, you still need a comma after the last article: "the birds calling each other,"
the ego potatoesthis confused me...
One step forward, one deep inhale. Right hand to the belt for knife, left hand leaned forward. Grin.I loved the systematic nature of this sentence, the one-one-right-left, with the cheeky ending.
Before the bloodshed would start I dared to ask: “Say, have you sinned?”A brilliant ending! Almost annoyingly so, makes me want to read the next part and find out why everything is happening. Actually as an introduction to your story this is very good. Without being blatant, you've introduced a lot of ideas, like the wandering, the sins, and ninjas, and that's intrigued me to want to find out more about them
Personally, I started wandering as there wasn't (This part quite confused me, I don't know but I think you should perhaps add 'anything' instead of 'what' the rephrase it)what to bound me to one place, I decided to take a proper look at life and live the life we get only once.
I turned around to find out what’s (was? if you're in past tense) going on.
I saw a girl in new ninja clothes (I think you should portray to us how her clothes looked clean, needs more info and description to this paragraph)without a head-cover run with the last strength she had left – she was dragging her legs, her breathing greedy for air.
I took a quick look around me and noticed that nobody actually cared. All the workers pretended like if nothing’s (was)happening at all, they didn’t want to be in a trouble… Figures, I was the only one who watched it.
“No,” murmured her lips.
I rose my eyes and looked at the three who stopped in front of me right after I said what I said(This line kind of is redundant. Improve it like: "...infront of me right after I said it"). They were trying to catch their breathe (You meant 'breath', right?), their sleeves except one’s were stained by blood.
I wasn’t surprised, I grinned as if I enjoyed it all, I grinned (I think those two words are unnecessary)a grin of a sinful man who didn’t care.
Before the bloodshed would start, I dared to ask: “Say, have you sinned?
Sinful Pride
Chapter 1
Busy rice fields, disturbed water above the ground, birds calling each other and all this is looked at by an orange-ish sun of an early morning. That’s the scenery of yet another morning of my life as a wanderer at an age of eighteen.
Very nice beginning sentence, it creates a very vivid image in the reader's head, but... I don't know, it seemed like it was formatted odd. May I suggest reformatting?
Busy rice fields, disturbed water above the ground, birds calling to each other, the orange sun of an early morning. That's the scenery of yet another morning of my life as a wanderer at the age of eighteen.
Honestly, it's hard to think of ways to reformat this. x[} I'm sorry, there's probably nothing wrong with it, it just feels odd.
I slowly walked on a dry muddy road and watched the people do their work.This made me smile, a lot. 'Dry' and 'muddy'. It kind of contradicts itself. You don't have to change it, but I had to point that out. ;P They were so busy that they didn’t pay attention to anythingelseother than the rice,; or . I’d even say they were in a hurry. Not really interested in the view, as I couldn’t feel anything positive from it, I continued walking further, wondering what kind of city I would visit this time.
Personally, I started wanderingasbecause there wasn’t anything to bound me to one place,. I decided to take a proper look at life and live the life we get only once. I'm going to sound like the stuffy people who read books not to enjoy, but... you've used the form of 'life' three times in this sentence. It makes it sounds kind of awkward and confusing. I suggest something along the lines of: I decided to take a proper look at life, because we only get to live it once. But to be honest, this sentence sounds randomly placed to me? I'm sorry.
However, this time my thoughts were disturbed by a noise of somebody running behind me. I heard a female voice calling for help in a quite desperate tone. I turned around to find out what was going on.
Okay, yes, the previous sentence makes a bit more sense now. But I would suggest combining it with this paragraph. Because. You can. x[} And it sounds better that way. ^^
I saw a girl in brand newcleanOkay, I had to do this, because this is something I would be SLASHED for. "Brand new clean". Since it's brand new, it's obvious it's clean, so clean is unnecessary. Also. How might you know it's brand new? Because it's clean? If so, simply put, "I saw a girl in clean..." Okay. I'm sorry. I had to. ninja clothes, which on top of that lacked the head cover and weapons, run with the last strength she had left – she was dragging her legs, her breathing greedy for air. I love that description. Some distance behind her were three men one would think are mercenaries as they wore heavy leather armor and carried weapons, though they certainly weren’t of a simple sort if properly looked at, I couldn’t feel anything good from them. Grawg! It felt like such a run-together sentence. Can we please fix this up a bit? :}
My suggestion:
Some distance behind her were three men. One would think they were mercenaries, for they wore heavy leather armor and carried weapons. However, they weren't of a simple sort if properly looked at. I couldn't feel anything good from them.
I took a quick look around me and noticed that nobody had actually cared. All the workers pretended like if nothing was happening at all, t. They didn’t want to be in any trouble… Figures,And so, (I felt the sentence was better with those two words in front of it, it just flowed more naturally... but you don't have to take that suggestion, no.) I was the only one who watched it.
In the following second the girl tripped and inevitably fell a few meters in front of me, bringing all the dust into the air around her. She didn’t have the strength to stand up anymore, she only tried to stretch her hand to me as if to grasp the disappearing light. Deep in her green soulful eyes behind strokes of her light-brown hairwith a bit messed up ponytail(sorry, unnecessary info, and in any case, almost oddly placed) I clearly saw how afraid she was, how desperate. She feared the death to the extent of breaking her own body from exhaustion. I really love your description a lot, it's quite beautiful.
By any means, she couldn’t be a real ninja. I just couldn’t imagine her being one. I looked at the three men running,; they were still quite far as the armor made it difficult to run much. I walked closer to the girl and crouched. With a very calm voice I asked her: “Have you sinned a death?”
“No,” murmured her lips.
I softly patted her head. “So be it.”
I rose my eyes and looked at the three who had stopped in front of meright after I finished talking with the girl. Since this is all in chronological order, it's a bit obvious that's when they arrived. Don't worry, though, I make this mistake constantly. :} They were trying to catch their breath, their sleeves except one’s were stained by blood.
One of them spoke to me in a threatening tone. “You’d better get lost, lowlife!”
Now I had even more reason to prevent the girl from being taken away,. I hate everybody who says this, hate it to the extent of sinning. People who usually called villagers, wanderers and poor people low lives were the type of people who care just for their own good, the ego potatoes. It took me three read-throughs before I completely understood what you meant. Perhaps you can rephrase it's so it's easier? :}
Irritated on the inside, but the same cold face on the outside, I stood up and checked their weapons. One spear, one sword, one bow – a tactical trio. They certainly weren’t a push over for an inexperienced fighter.
“Makes me wonder, are you talking about yourself?” Oh, burn. :[} I knew I’d anger them, but I seriously didn’t care anymore. I wouldn’t get away from the fight anyway if I was to save the girl.
The reaction was expected, their egoistic nature got blamedatand soitthey wanted to punish. They said something, but I didn’t hear it at all, I was busy planning my move. After all, the few next seconds would be decisive. I knew it as if I looked at the bottom of sea through a crystal clear water.
One step forward, one deep inhale. Right hand to the belt for knife, left hand leaned forward. Grin. I love this.
Seeing me get into a stance they grabbed their weapons,athe man with bow made few steps back. Though, even for all the threatening they made just a moment ago their eyes were filled with a certain slight fear of possible future. I wasn’t surprised,. I grinned as if I enjoyed it all. After all, I’m a sinful man who doesn’t care about such people as them.
Before the bloodshed would start, I dared to ask: “Say, have you sinned?”
Last edited by Kyousuke on Thu Jun 17, 2010 8:40 am, edited 5 times in total.
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