Young Writers Society

Hey Everyone!

I've finally decided to post something again, and although it isn't a continuation of a past story hopefully you'll like it. This one has seemed to stick to me more than the others did, so hopefully you can expect updates regularly. In total both chapters are about 1900 words. Enjoy!

BTW The character from Chapter 1 is male and a different character than the princess from Chapter 2.

EDIT: For all those who saw Chapter 2 here I've decided to expand it, so I'll post it when I've finished.

EDIT2: I fixed up all the corrections

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1

Silently following the small group of riders, I remained a good distance away. As the night closed in around me I wouldn’t have to worry about the distance anymore. Soon they would break for the night, and shortly after that I would strike. After stalking them for a long while, night finally set in, and they decided to break for camp off the side of the path, within the shelter of the trees. Moving off the ancient dirt path two hundred feet away from the camp, I began moving silently between the trees.

Nearing the camp I became much more cautious. My movements were few and far between. Crossing silently from tree to tree, I reached the edge of the camp. They had pitched their tents in a small clearing, an ideal spot. By the time I arrived three tents had been erected. Two were plain and positioned to the left; the other tent, much larger than the others, was located on the right. The target would be sleeping in the larger tent, and his men would sleep in the tents opposite him. At the moment he was sitting on the ground, deep in conversation with the guard. He had short light, brown hair that featured slivers of gray. His face sagged, and he was quite a fat man. I guess you can afford to eat whatever you want when you’re that rich. Beside him one of the two guards sat. He was a younger man in his mid-thirties who had a gruff looking face. This man was probably hired to escort my target to the palace, and he definitely appeared to have an air of confidence about him.

Just then the other guard reappeared from the opposite side of the clearing, carrying a pile of large sticks for a fire. He set them down between the other two men and began the tedious job of starting a fire. Having seen enough, I backed away from the bushes and backtracked into the woods a good fifty feet from their position. Killing him would be easy, and only one of the guards would have to die since they would most likely switch shifts in the middle of the night. That left me some time to sleep before I would need to finish it. No one would see me this far off the road, so I had no worry of being discovered. Setting my recurve bow down beside the tree and taking off my quiver, I sat down and leaned up against the trunk. Soon I drifted off into my normal light sleep.

|\--------------------/|


Upon waking I moved back to the edge of their camp where I had been earlier. The guard who had gone to get firewood was on duty, and he was wide awake, which meant that he had just relieved his partner. Now was the time to complete this job. When the man looked away I stood up, so that he wouldn’t see my movement and notice me. After turning around he was still oblivious to my existence because of my dark cloak that blended in with the background. Standing just thirty feet from him, I raised my bow, taking my time, as I pulled an arrow out of the quiver on my back. The movement from quiver to bow was smooth and swift. Drawing the bowstring back with expertise, I let my instincts take over, and in a moment the arrow was on its way. Without a sound ever leaving his mouth, the arrow pierced the guard. All of this had happened within a few seconds, and I moved out of the bushes and toward the big tent without even looking to see where my arrow had landed. I knew it had hit its mark.

I drew a knife from my waist, and opened the flap to the large tent. The plump man was fast asleep on the ground before me, and I moved beside him thrusting the knife into his chest. Now that I had finished, it would be time to complete the next phase.

Hey,

Since this seems to be in a Medieval time period, I would recommend putting it in the History forum or Fantasy forum. I don't really like Medieval time period stories, but this one caught my eye and I did like it. The descriptions were good, the characters believable and I would love to know what happens to the assassin type guy. Sorry, this was pretty unhelpful, lol.

~Jasmine Bells

Hiya, Day! Coco here as requested. Hope this review helps!

So I'm a total sucker for medieval stories, to me they're like brownies, I can't get enough of them! I'm actually working on a period piece myself, so when I read words like "chamber" and "castle" I was uber excited and...I wasn't disappointed!

Onto the improvements, I've found a few...

You do have several mistakes here and there in some of your paragraphs, you said "me" instead of "my" somewhere which made me smile when I read it because I sounded like Hagrid, anyway, that's nothing that some re-editing won't fix

I also think there's something missing in some of your paragraphs, maybe it's just me, I just feel that some of your paragraphs don't seem to flow, especially in chapter 2

Lastly, i felt that, since you wrote about Alice a lot more you should have really elaborated on her emotions, you don't mention her mother, maybe she's dead, if so, perhaps you could have Alice thinking that maybe if her mother were alive today, her father wouldn't be so overprotective, something like that just so we get more emotion out of her and maybe some personality too.

All in all I really enjoyed reading this, I loved the character change between chapters, the guy in the first chapter was awesome and I thought the whole assassin thing was great. I'm delighted that there's going to be more, I'm looking forward to reading them and finding out the male character's role in the story and whether he will have any connection to Alice in the future.

Anyway, I'm glad you wanted me to look at this and I'll definitely be following this to the end so make sure you pm me when the next chapter comes!

i hope this review has been helpful!

*coco

First of all thank you a lot for the review I appreciate it!

1. Obviously didn't mean to use me instead of my, so hopefully I'll fix those soon.

2. Yes, there might be something missing from Chapter 2. I wrote this at the university, and they gave us a flash drive, but I lost it. Having only one copy I rushed to retype it, so most likely I missed something.

3. Yes, Her mother is dead, but I didn't want to rush it, but I'll most likely bring that up later.

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

~Day

Hi Day! I am here to review your novel's beginning! And for some reason I was reminded of Ranger's Apprentice while reading this. XD

Silently following the small group of riders, I remained a good distance away

Moving off the ancient dirt path two hundred feet away from the camp, I began moving silently between the trees.

My movements were few and far in between.

OK, here I was confused. There would have to be some movement to actually make it to the camp, right? Maybe you could say something like 'My movements were barely noticeable in the gathering darkness'?

Crossing silently from tree to tree, I reached the edge of the camp.

By the time I arrived at the edge of camp ,(this is a little redundant when you look at the previous two sentences) three tents had been erected (I don't like this word for some reason; maybe say 'set up'?).

At the moment he was sitting on the ground, deep in conversation with the guard.

And also, just wondering, there's only one guard? These people must be either pretty careless or arrogant if that's the only guard. (Oh wait, but you say there are more sentries later, so which guard is it?)

He had short, light hair (what color is his hair normally? blonde?) that featured slivers of gray. His face sagged, and he was quite a fat man. I guess you can afford to eat whatever you want when you’re that rich.

I liked the last sentence. XD Irony and sarcastic humor.

He was a younger man in his mid-thirties

Add a hyphen and take out the space between mid- and -thirties.

Just then the other guard reappeared from the opposite side of the clearing, carrying a pile of large sticks for a fire.

Having seen enough, I backed away from the bushes

Killing him would be easy,

Specify here who exactly you're going to kill. I know that it's the fat, rich guy, but the last person mentioned was one of the guards.

That left me some time to sleep before I would need to do the deed(this seems a little awkward--maybe you could say it instead, because we understand what you're talking about). No one would see me this far off the road, so I had no worry of being discovered. Setting my recurve bow down beside the tree and taking off my quiver, I sat down and leaned up against the tree.

and he was wide awake, which meant that he had just relieved his partner

Standing just thirty feet from him, I raised my bow, taking my time, and pulled an arrow out from the quiver on my back.

Drawing the bowstring back with expertise, I let my instincts take over

Without a sound ever leaving his mouth, the arrow pierced his heart

And again, specify that this is the guard being killed.

without even looking to see where my arrow had landed because I knew it had hit its mark.

Yet, in the last sentence, you tell us that this assassin sees the arrow pierce his heart.

I drew the knife from my waist

and I moved beside him, thrusting the knife into his chest. Now that I had finished, it would be time to retrieve me my next assignment

Right then! I really liked this intro. I'm interested to see where this goes and why this assassin killed the rich, fat guy in the first place. Your description of the events was also nice, and I could visualize everything happening in my head. But who is the rich guy in the first place? Who's this assassin? And of course, what's going to happen next? You've got an eager reader waiting for the next chappie. And I apologize if I seemed harsh in my review.

Ah! Yes, I was wondering if a fan of RA would drop by and read this. After rereading the piece it does seem much to familiar to Flanagan's masterpiece, and so in the future I may move away from bows for the most part. A lot of the changes you made concerning commas I have already fixed due to help from someone at my Writing Camp, but thanks a lot for the details.

Concerning the next chapter it involves the story being told from a princess's point of view. It isn't quite as interesting as this chapter, but it is much longer. Around 1700-2200 words, I forget right now. Although it isn't quite as appealing to action lovers it introduces a few key characters and begins to unravel the plot.

Hey Day. I believe that I am a bit late. *coco and Isabella have pretty much covered everything, so I would give a general review and sorry if it doesn't help you or makes any sense.

Nearing the camp I became much more cautious.

There should be 'on' before 'nearing'. This way it won't look like a fragment of a sentence but a sentence.

My movements were few and far in between.

By the time I arrived at the edge of the camp three tents had been erected.

I noticed that there were many errors with the commas. You should do some research and study to know where exactly to put commas. I think you missed the commas wherever they had to be out and on even being told where to put them, you haven't corrected them. So, you should do the corrections as soon as possible so that before others read it, the piece becomes smooth and clear.


I really liked how you tried your best to put in the action but somewhere it didn't work out for me. The repetitions of the words like feet made me think ' Hey am I reading the same thing again?' Try to use more for the different verbs to show the actions and make it more beautiful to read.

Right now we only know about his target a bit, which is nice in a way as this makes the thrill and suspense more cool. I specially liked the cliffhanger you left us with. It really made me think about what possibly could his mission be. Why is he doing this all? So for the cliffhanger I give you full marks.

Although it might sound strange that I would be talking about the beginning in the last. I must say that the beginning was quite gripping and the way you phrased the things caught my interest. My other nit-pick would be that when he enters the tent, there could have been more description. Since his target seems someone rich, you could have told us what all was there in his tent, the way he slept( like a royal), and how the protagonist felt. Was there some joy on completing the task or a pain? I was just curious to know all this.

I seriously hope that you make this into a very good novel, as I think that you have a very good concept in your hands, just waiting to be converted into a literary master piece.

So my one and only advice would be that before you post more, proof read this one and revise the rules of putting the comma so you could master it and no one would have to tell you where to put it. Also, try to know more action words from the dictionary, a writer's best friend.

Keep writing and sorry for the small review.

~Shubhi

Thanks for the reviews, and I fixed up all the issues that you guys found.

Heya Day

I'm here to review the first chapter of this. I need to review more, so yeah... here I am. You've already gotten quite a few nice reviews from other members, but I'll try my best to give you a decent one too. If I repeat something that's already been said, it's because I think that it needs emphasizing.

As the night closed in around me, I wouldn’t have to worry about the distance anymore. Soon they would break for the night, and shortly after that, I would strike.

You don't need the comma I highlighted in red here.

After stalking them for a long while, night finally set in, and they decided to break for camp off the side of the path, within the shelter of the trees.

You don't need the commas that I highlighted here, either.

Nearing the camp, I became much more cautious.

They had pitched their tents in a small clearing; an ideal spot. By the time I arrived, three tents had been erected.

I guess you could afford to eat whatever you want when you were that rich.

You changed tenses here.

Just then, the other guard reappeared from the opposite side of the clearing, carrying a pile of large sticks for a fire.

Soon, I drifted off into my normal light sleep.

|\--------------------/|

It looks like the top of a cats head...

Upon waking, I moved back to the edge of their camp where I had been earlier.

The guard who had gone to get firewood was on duty, and he was wide awake, which meant that he had just relieved his partner.

Do you mean 'The guard had gone to get the firewood...'?

Now was the time to complete this job. When the man looked away, I stood up, so that he wouldn’t see my movement and notice me.

The comma I highlighted in red isn't needed.

After turning around, he was still oblivious to my existence because of my dark cloak that blended in with the background. Standing just thirty feet from him, I raised my bow, taking my time, as I pulled an arrow out of the quiver on my back.

You don't need that comma either.

Drawing the bowstring back with expertise, I let my instincts take over, and in a moment, the arrow was on its way.

Overall

This is pretty good. Normally, this isn't really my kind of story, but I did enjoy reading this. There were some parts that were more interesting than others, but overall, it was definitely well written. You didn't overload with descriptions, which can happen often. Any descriptions that you did have, you balanced out with some action. That is definitely a good thing. When it comes to your grammar, you did have some issues with using commas correctly. Don't worry about that though, there an awful lot of writers who get confused with their commas. I myself am one of them. I did correct the areas where I thought that you misused commas or didn't use them where they were needed. Although your grammar wasn't perfect, your spelling seemed to be. I'm not the best speller in the world, but I'm confident when I say that you spelt everything correctly. As for the idea of the story itself, I like it so far. Like I just said, it's not really my kind of story. It does seem rather interesting, I have to say. At the moment, your characters feel rather stiff, but it's only the first chapter so that is fair enough.

My main critique is the fact that I didn't really know much about the background of this story. You've kind of like jumped in head first with the action. To begin with, who is your MC? Is it a guy or a girl, even? How old are they? What time era is it? Why is your MC with a load of guards in a forest? Because I know so little about stuff like this, I can't really critique all that much about it because I'm not sure about what there is to critique and what is going on. The lack of background to this affected the speed of this chapter, as well. To me, it moved a bit too fast. Your MC followed the guards, left them, waited a while, and then attacked them. Considering this is the first chapter, I'd like to get to know the characters before all of the action comes in. I'd also like to know why your MC was following the guards in the first place. To be perfectly honest, this feels more like a prologue than a chapter. The reason for this is the fact hat we know little about what is going on. The mystery element in this creates a prologue kind of feeling. Do you understand what I mean?

My other critique is about the grammar, for obvious reasons, I'm sure. Other reviewers have mentioned this, actually. I noticed that you aren't very confident when it comes to using commas. You either use them where they aren't needed or don't use them at all where they are needed. Like I said before though, you shouldn't worry all that much about it. The more you practice your writing and the more advice you take in, the better your grammar will get. I've corrected the areas where I noticed you misusing commas, or didn't use commas at all, so that should hopefully help. To be honest, I'm not sure on how to give you advice when it comes to commas. What you could do though is try and find a thread here on YWS that explains comma usage. You might even be able to find a blog written by someone that helps you with that. If not, you could always try and find an article through Google or something? To be honest though, the best way to improve your grammar is by simply practicing your writing as often as possible.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

he definitely appeared to have an air of confidence about him.

How did he appear to have an air of confidence about him? Use a little more detail.

Soon I drifted off into my normal light sleep.

There needs to be a comma after "light" because it's a short pause.

After turning around he was still oblivious to my existence because of my dark cloak that blended in with the background.

I'm going to be nit-picky here but it sounds like a run-on to me. It isn't, but it reads like one, at least in my head. Maybe shorten it?

Now that I had finished, it would be time to complete the next phase.

In my opinion, this is a weak way to end a chapter. I think it's because it's been used so many times before. My best advice is just to reword it.

Overall

I liked it. It was short but you did a great job with description, with the exception of the one time I pointed out. Just be careful of cliches, like the last line, unless you want them in here.

I know this review wasn't very helpful but I hope I helped you at least some.

-Kat/alwaysawriter

Chapter 1

Silently following the small group of riders, I remained a good distance away. As the night closed in around me I wouldn’t have to worry about the distance anymore. Soon they would break for the night, and shortly after that I would strike. After stalking them for a long while, night finally set in, and they decided to break for camp off the side of the path, within the shelter of the trees. Moving off the ancient dirt path two hundred feet away from the camp, I began moving silently between the trees.

I have a few questions here. Since you were following riders, I assumed that you also were on horseback in order to keep up with them. However towards the end it seems like you were on your own. It left me a little confused.

Nearing the camp I became much more cautious. My movements were few and far between. Crossing silently from tree to tree, I reached the edge of the camp. They had pitched their tents in a small clearing, an ideal spot. By the time I arrived three tents had been erected. Two were plain and positioned to the left; the other tent, much larger than the others, was located on the right. The target would be sleeping in the larger tent, and his men would sleep in the tents opposite him. At the moment he was sitting on the ground, deep in conversation with the guard. He had short light, brown hair that featured slivers of gray. His face sagged, and he was quite a fat man. I guess you can afford to eat whatever you want when you’re that rich. Beside him one of the two guards sat. He was a younger man in his mid-thirties who had a gruff looking face. This man was probably hired to escort my target to the palace, and he definitely appeared to have an air of confidence about him.

You say the word ‘tent’ in every sentence for about five sentences in a row. I would look up synonyms for that word to keep it from being repetitive.
Just then the other guard reappeared from the opposite side of the clearing, carrying a pile of large sticks for a fire. He set them down between the other two men and began the tedious job of starting a fire. Having seen enough, I backed away from the bushes and backtracked into the woods a good fifty feet from their position. Killing him would be easy, and only one of the guards would have to die since they would most likely switch shifts in the middle of the night. That left me some time to sleep before I would need to finish it. No one would see me this far off the road, so I had no worry of being discovered. Setting my recurve bow down beside the tree and taking off my quiver, I sat down and leaned up against the trunk. Soon I drifted off into my normal light sleep.

I liked this paragraph except for when he fell asleep. It would be more logical if he/she would stay awake in case anything out of the ordinary would happen. Even if they had to wait a couple of hours, a trained assassin (who I assume they are) probably wouldn’t have minded keeping awake for that long.

|\--------------------/|


Upon waking I moved back to the edge of their camp where I had been earlier. The guard who had gone to get firewood was on duty, and he was wide awake, which meant that he had just relieved his partner. Now was the time to complete this job. When the man looked away I stood up, so that he wouldn’t see my movement and notice me. After turning around he was still oblivious to my existence because of my dark cloak that blended in with the background. Standing just thirty feet from him, I raised my bow, taking my time, as I pulled an arrow out of the quiver on my back. The movement from quiver to bow was smooth and swift. Drawing the bowstring back with expertise, I let my instincts take over, and in a moment the arrow was on its way. Without a sound ever leaving his mouth, the arrow pierced the guard. All of this had happened within a few seconds, and I moved out of the bushes and toward the big tent without even looking to see where my arrow had landed. I knew it had hit its mark.

I drew a knife from my waist, and opened the flap to the large tent. The plump man was fast asleep on the ground before me, and I moved beside him thrusting the knife into his chest. Now that I had finished, it would be time to complete the next phase.

The second part of this was very short and I couldn’t really find anything wrong with it.

Overall, I think what you have here isn’t bad, but it could still be better. A bit more description and emotion can go a long way. I still don’t even have the slightest idea who your main character is, so maybe you can try to hint as to who they may be. I don’t mean give us a name or anything, but maybe just if they are a man or a woman.

Good luck! If you need any more help I’m just a PM away.